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My mother recently turned 92. A trip to the ER a couple months ago landed her in the hospital, and then into skilled nursing. When she is released, she will go to an assisted living facility. The problem is, I am the only person who is responsible for her care. My sister lives in another state, too far to do anything but the occasional visit. My brother is in England. He contributes by making phone calls, arranging for her admissions, and taking care of insurance. That is helpful, but it still doesn't equate to the day after day wear and tear of caring for my mother. She has never been a pleasant person, even before she became older. She has driven away all friends and family members. It has been such a relief to me to have her in skilled nursing where I don't have to worry about her safety, hygiene, dressing, medications, or the dozens of other things that are required. In order for her to have a room reserved for her in AL, it is necessary to have all of her things moved from her apartment within 10 days. Of course, this again falls on me. To say I am burned out is an understatement. I need to take some time for mental health breaks, but when I don't go to see her for a few days, I end up feeling guilty. When I go back to see her after being gone, she'll tell me that everybody was asking where I was. This is her not so subtle way of letting me know that SHE wondered where I was and why I wasn't there. How can I take much needed breaks for myself and not let the guilt consume me? I admire all of you who post on this website. Until someone has "walked in our shoes" they have no idea how grueling and exhausting being a caregiver is.

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Becky, sometimes it's hard for us to remember that we can only take care of our parents when we take care of ourselves. That means ensuring that you're able to continue to visit her and handle what aspects of her affairs are necessary. You cant do that if you're sick yourself.

Your mother is I think attempting to make you feel guilty, and it's working. The expectation that the adult generation of children is going to take care of their parents seems to be widespread among that older generation, and many take it for granted that their adult children will fall into that role and accept it. Not so.

The important thing to remember is that you did what you felt best for her; from your description of the situation, it wasn't feasible for you to care for her at home. She'll be mad and she'll take it out on you, probably not even realizing how miserable she's making you. She's angry and wants to vent at you.

Ask yourself this: if you did bring her home and care for her there, how long do you think it would be before you developed such severe health problems that you ended up hospitalized, or with depression worse that you probably have now? How serious would your illnesses be and could you recover from them? If you could not and the illnesses were such as to be for the rest of your life, or to damage the quality of your life, how would you be able to continue even visiting your mother? You wouldn't.

So if you remain at the mercy of the guilt feelings, at some point it will build so much that you're not able to function effectively, either for yourself or your mother.

I think the first step is putting a little distance between your visits. Let your mother learn to appreciate you and look forward to your visits, even though that may take some time and actually may never happen.
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There are some things that you are going to have to handle, like arranging the moving of furniture. But many people go into assisted living who have no children or whose children are a great distance away. They survive just fine. Your mother will, too, even if you visit less often and give up chores that can be done in/by the care center.

Feeling guilty about taking care of yourself? Do it anyway ... and push that guilt far, far into the back recesses of your mind! :)
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I can relate. I have a 95 year old mother in an AL. I have one older sister 10 hours away so my mother's care is my concern. I used to visit her almost every day because I wanted to make her happy. I am the one who had to remove her from her home 2 years ago and she misses it every day. She will never be happy and I feel guilty for that. Every time I back off a little she either gets sick or hurts herself and has to go to rehab and then needs my attention a lot again. It is a vicious cycle. Your goal should be to back off and take some time for yourself...as I try to do. I am recently retired and I have a wonderful husband and kids who try to help but the guilt I feel doesn't go away especially now that AL is using up all of her savings. If she were totally in her right mind she would be so upset to know that her money is almost gone. I feel guilty for that too. Guilt is a horrible thing and I try to fight it because deep in my heart I know we are doing the right thing for our mothers' care but I understand your guilt feelings. She forgets most things now except she hangs on to her beloved house and doesn't appreciate what she has NOW. She will die a very unhappy lady.
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I feel so much for you. I never figured out what to do other than just be there both my mother and father. Now that it's almost over, I would like to help those of us that have given so much. But it has to be said, few will know of what you are doing, but you still are an unsung hero to me.
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Thank you both for your replies. Just reading your kind words and knowing you can relate make me feel better. I didn't say before that my dad died 10 years ago, and since then, my mom has just kind of been moping around, waiting to die. I keep telling her that God isn't done with her yet, that he has something else he wants her to do or experience. Yesterday was a good day with my mom--I wish there was some way to know or predict their mood swings. I am going to put more time between my visits. I have noticed that she is much more agreeable if I haven't been there for a few days. She spent most of yesterday telling me how much she hates it where she is now. I kept telling her that if she worked harder in therapy, got stronger, that she could move sooner. Of course she doesn't equate the two.
Thank you again for your understanding and encouragement. :)
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My mom is still in good health, but needing more help at home. My sister and brother are both only an hour away, but are overscheduled in their lives. They do show up..but it is on my husband (once a week for him) and me (another two times a week and the daily phone calls) to do the most of the work. We moved back to this area to be able to do so, and I am happy for it ...but find it exhausting.

My method is to go over a weekly schedule with her. I find out what days she has things that might keep her busy (at the home, any holiday festivals or events etc) and we go over what days I will be with her. We were with her yesterday, I will talk to her today for if she wants me Monday or Tues. She is busy Wednesday and perhaps Friday we will both go down and Saturday my sister is having her. Sunday is church, and then, another week is done. So #1...set a schedule.It helps her relax to know when I will be there. Supplement with phone calls.
#2. guilt- we can't take as good and patient care of someone else when we are exhausted. We have to recharge our batteries.
#3...tell your sister and brother how you are feeling, and let them call on days you won't be visiting....it will let them help more in their own way, and perhaps appreciate that you are getting burnt out.....and go get a manicure or have a nice lunch somewhere...spoil yourself. you deserve it. And lastly, if she never appreciates your help, hopefully all of this hard work will clear your heart of any more guilt for the time that is coming. You know you have been a wonderful daughter to a difficult woman. Bless you!
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I finally had to make arrangements to get away from my mother (94 years old) and going to a local YMCA to exercise. I still have to leave notes explaining why I am not in the house when she goes looking for me (I am 67). Two pf my siblings live 3 hours away and might come check on mom three times a year. One sibling lives 10 hours away and never comes to visit. My brother (oldest sibling) calls mom every morning to chat but never offers to take her to his home, my other siblings call mom two or three times a week. None offer to take mom home for a while to relieve my family of here care. I have been okay with the arrangements until the older sibling retired and now calls or emails about their trips and places they are visiting. While we had some of those opportunities years ago, we no longer feel asking our children to come and care for mom. Mom only leaves the house to go to a hair appointment once a week, otherwise she reads and watches TV. So I try to slip away after leaving her a note that I was out of the house and get some time alone and "away".
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Yes it can be grueling and breaks are as important to your wellbeing as anything. No one does any job 24/7 and the worry of being a caregiver can be just that. Use a senior moving company to pack and move her. Is there some reason at least one sibling can't come up for a few days to help support you while she moves in. And then let you have a few days to yourself to even get away. I have found that by taking short getaways ....it can help because I'm not in the same city. But beyond that you need to decide that she has the care necessary and you will be a better daughter and happier person mentally if you limit your visits. You've done nothing wrong and there is no room for guilt. Remember, you have a right to a life. Set your boundaries. The more you do it the easier it becomes. You are a good daughter...do not let her take that from you with manipulation.
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I completely feel for you, as I am in the somewhat of the same situation with my 94 year old Mom. In my case, my sister lives an hour away and decided to bail on my Mom completely when she was diagnosed with ALZ, as did the the rest of the family. So... I'm it, and my husband & 8 year old daughter have been suffering right along with me. In September, after a horrible time with my Mom in AL, not meeting her needs, etc. I took it upon myself to find someone that could help me handle all of this on my own. I found a Social Worker through my Mom's Neurologist and started meeting with her on a bi-weekly basis. She helped me to see that I had to put my Mom's caregiving on paid professional's, as it was wearing me down mentally and physically, as well as my family, to try and continue to handle it all. I took on the task of moving my Mom to a Memory Care facility this past September. She wasn't happy about it, but, it's been the best thing for her care, as well as mine. I do things for my Mom from a distance now, I depend on the facility to oversee her care and keep me abreast of any changes or needs she has. It's allowed my family to become somewhat "normal" again. I hope this helps. My advice to you is find some support for yourself first, get your Mom the help she needs, and take a breaks frequently. You are one person, and are doing your best to help your Mom, and that's all anyone can do! God Bless you.
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Now that your Mom's hour by hour care in being managed by professionals it is time for self-care. Hire movers to support you in the move. In my area there are companies who specialize in helping seniors to move. I am a counselor/ psychotherapist who also works as an advocate to seniors and disabled. You need to get an appointment with a counselor, licensed clinical social worker or psychologist. They will help you carry the load and sort through the feelings of overwhelm and fatigue that will open up your emotional capacity to move on. They will also give you ideas about how to do self care and hold you accountable to your self care. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel for you with the move to the assisted living. Once she is moved and settled in this will free up some of the day to day demands of her care. Caregiving is very very very hard word. You need to be acknowledged for your hard work and love. In my experience thing should improve once she is moved. If you find after trying all these thing that it is still not working find an Aging Life Care Professional and an Elder Care attorney in your area. They will be able to assist you with a plan to take more of this off of your plate. Prayers for you and your mom. Self Care is vital.
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