He is 52 and has early onset dementia. Moderate to advanced stage. He needs constant supervision. He is receiving disability and Medicaid benefits. I am 20 years old, work 40 hours a week, and go to college full time. My aunts and uncles say he can't stay with them ever. They do not want him in a nursing home, but I can no longer physically, emotionally, or financially care for him. How do I let them know that if they do not take him into their home that he will be placed in a home?
In other words, you just tell them.
If you can arrange to have them all together then you'd only have to do it once. Before you tell them, though, I suggest you have a care facility picked out. This is no small task. Perhaps his disability case worker could help you, or find you another resource who can help you.
If you make your announcement and also say "These are the two care centers I've picked out so far" and hand out brochures that will make the point about your seriousness.
I don't think I'd say "unless one of you will take him in." They have already told you their answer about that. Simply say that your dad now needs far more care than you can provide and you want him somewhere that he can get that. If this changes anyone's mind, they'll speak up. You don't want to come across as giving them an ultimatum -- you do this or I'll do that. You are not doing this to punish them or force their hand. You are doing this for the sake of your father's best interests. Keep the focus on that.
You are too young to be doing this. And your father is too young to need this. But life doesn't always play by the rules. If you can get him into a suitable care center and visit him often you will be doing enormous good!
Working full time and going to college full time can be hugely satisfying and also very stressful. You don't ask for advice for yourself, but I can't resist suggesting that you cut back a little on one or the other, perhaps for the next year. Even with Dad in a care center, he is going to need some of your attention and there will be stress in that direction. I'd hate to see you burn out before you are 25!
Please keep us informed as this unfolds.
Let us know how you make out with this.
Your father will be as fine as possible in the facility. I hope that people will visit him while he can still enjoy him. You may want to read other messages to find out a little of what to expect when he goes into the facility. It may take him a couple of months to settle in.
I hope everything goes well. Just tell the family the truth. If they do not understand now, they will in the future. You are doing the right thing.
But actually that's beside the point. What you tell them is that your father needs the expertise of a specialist unit, and that is the truth of it. You can't manage him safely, but the real point is that neither can they.
I'm so sorry that your father and you have been dealt this hand. It's a cruel thing, and I personally wish you were more concerned about your own and his wellbeing than about what your unhelpful family might have to say. Please stay in touch and let us know how you're getting on.
Nursing homes can get a bad wrap, but I know that I would not be able to provide my mother with the level of care she is currently getting. Everything is definitely not perfect, but she has actually been doing better and feeling less depressed in the past months. This would not have happened if she were living with me.
I have often found that those most likely to judge are usually those least likely to help. My parents-in-law (whose mission in life is apparently to ruin mine) have been consistently trying to make me feel guilty about my mother but have never offered me a single word of support. Maybe your relatives are not aware of the full extent of your father's condition. It is so easy to look the other way when you do not have to actually live with people. Please take care of yourself.