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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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When I first came back home to live/help my mother she started to verbally and emotionally abusing me. I just told her that she is not allow to treat me this way and I Will Not allow it. Furthermore, if she continues I will walk away (move out) and to be never heard from again. He33, I won't even be at her death bed. At this time, she was more with it. She knew I meant it. I have never let people disrespect me-ever! She did stop for awhile. Now that her mind is going more she will say hurtful things to me here and there and I don't reply. I just walk out of her room. I don't go out-of-my way for her either. Every thing that she needs/wants done is on my time and my schedule. She would have me running around for her everyday if she could.
I should have given more details. I'm so excited to have found this forum. It's my first time using one. I wasn't quite sure what to do. I want to thank everyone that took the time to answer me. It gave me some great ideas. My question was how to state my point in a much needed conversation. Yes, my mother has been narsasistic and controling throughout my entire life. Now that my children are grown, and I'm aging, I have decided to seek help. I don't live with her, but do help her on my days off. I have another sister that doesn't help at all. Of course, thats who she'd rather see. I thought I had to put up with whatever she did, thanks to a christian upbringing. Now, I know, I don't. Thanks for the advice. I'm confronting her today. I do need to care for myself. It's affected my health and my life. Also, she doesn't have dementia and can still care for herself. Thanks again.
That's it, lay out your boundaries to her, and always enforce them, do not back down, if you do she will know that you are just crying wolf and she will have the upper hand.
Religion to me is a guidepost, not a hitching post. Good Luck.
Set your boundaries, when she starts on you, pick up your stuff and leave, no words, if on the phone tell her that you do not wish to listen to her abuse and that you are hanging up. If she asks tell her what your boundaries are and that you will keep them in place and do so. After awhile she will get the picture.
The bottom line this is about you, what you are willing to accept and what you are not.
Mother, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. When you yell insults at me, it makes me feel worthless as a human being. If this behavior happens again, I shall leave your presence or hang up the phone, depending on the situation. When my mother gets going on a roll, I tell her I'm leaving/hanging up the phone since she's obviously not having a good day, and will come back/call back when she's in a better mood. Dementia or no dementia, old age or no old age, problems or no problems, NOBODY has the right to use you as a scratching post. Period. The key to making her understand that you are serious is the use the SAME behaviors over and over again, each and every time. If you give in and let her off the hook ONCE, you'll have to start over again from scratch.
Good advice! I wasn’t so smart in communication with my mom. I thought I could reason with her. I was given the same advice by these lovely women who are telling you. I had to find out the hard way.
I wanted to believe in my dream, my fairytale ending. Then I felt like a failure if she wasn’t capable of understanding my view. The truth is not everyone can see the other side of things. It isn’t even always about agreeing. At least see that there is more than one view on a topic.
My mom wanted everything done her way. No compromises. That’s too hard. Don’t accept that from your mom because adult children matter just as much. Your feelings and opinions count just as much. Tell her that you are entitled to your view.
Thanks you for this response. My MIL is currently living with my spouse and me and our teenage children. Even though it’s my house she wants things done her way. She is constantly saying “when I was growing up.....” or “ in my family we did....” and tries to pull the kids aside and talk to them after my husband and I have disciplined them (as if she thinks they need a better response).
it’s not because she is senile, it’s just because she thinks her ways are the best ways. She has rose colored glasses about her childhood and can’t see other people’s point of view. We are not going to change her and she’s not going to change us.
having a conversation is a good start but don’t expect change. At least though you have made your point known and what she does with it is up to her. We just continue to carry on doing things our way and fixing things she does-it’s not worth the arguments. I recommend OP does the same—carry on and know that you need to take care of your own self first.
I never said a word to my mom.. I just decided one day I didnt deserve to be abused and when she starts I just say ‘I’ll see you later mom” and leave. I also practice some pretty strong energetic work before and after I visit her. And always send love to her higher self. best wishes
Don’t. You’ll never be able to reason with her. If she’s like my mom anyway. I don’t know your situation but I can no longer reason with my mom due to her dementia. I no longer try. Instead I change subject and if that doesn’t work I just tell her I love her and want to do what’s best and then say I think it’s best we end our conversation. Mostly, when I talk to her following day, it’s like nothing occurred. She has spoken very cruel to me but I remind myself it is not her but the disease talking. She must be afraid and lonely. So don’t let her manipulate you. That part is your choice, and my guess is that she’ll not get or agree to the point you’re trying to make anyway.
I'm living this right now. It's hell. My mom who is actually my paternal aunt raised me after my mother died when I was nine. She suffers from body diaspora, NPD, and all the other neat disorders that go a long with this. My childhood relationship with her was hell. Never a day went by were she attacked me or my other family members. I remember her scowl on her face all the time. Now I am the only one left to help her. She has some good days then bam, she's mentally losing it or manipulating in some form. Of course she gets pissed when I try to talk to her about. She acts as if she's innocent. Gaslighting me. Like I don't know what she's doing. Anyhoot, I'll be posting more now that I found y'all. I have a therapist. She told me its going to be hard for me. I need prayers. Cheers
Tea, sending prayers for you and a great big warm hug to you.
May you find a way to disconnect from this person that has never been a mom to you. She has made choices and she gets to live with those consequences. It is okay for you to step back and not be her scratching post. Hugs!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Remember we teach people how to treat us.
Take care of yourself because no one else will!
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Are you dependent upon her for your housing/support/board?
If not, walk away.
If yes, stop care-giving and get a job. Save your money and move out.
Thanks again.
Religion to me is a guidepost, not a hitching post. Good Luck.
The bottom line this is about you, what you are willing to accept and what you are not.
Good luck!
I wanted to believe in my dream, my fairytale ending. Then I felt like a failure if she wasn’t capable of understanding my view. The truth is not everyone can see the other side of things. It isn’t even always about agreeing. At least see that there is more than one view on a topic.
My mom wanted everything done her way. No compromises. That’s too hard. Don’t accept that from your mom because adult children matter just as much. Your feelings and opinions count just as much. Tell her that you are entitled to your view.
it’s not because she is senile, it’s just because she thinks her ways are the best ways. She has rose colored glasses about her childhood and can’t see other people’s point of view. We are not going to change her and she’s not going to change us.
having a conversation is a good start but don’t expect change. At least though you have made your point known and what she does with it is up to her. We just continue to carry on doing things our way and fixing things she does-it’s not worth the arguments. I recommend OP does the same—carry on and know that you need to take care of your own self first.
best wishes
best wishes
2. Make them stick
3. Walk away when silliness commences
4. Repeat Step 2 and 3
Do not give up, stay firm and you will see this through. Good luck!
She has some good days then bam, she's mentally losing it or manipulating in some form. Of course she gets pissed when I try to talk to her about. She acts as if she's innocent. Gaslighting me. Like I don't know what she's doing.
Anyhoot, I'll be posting more now that I found y'all. I have a therapist. She told me its going to be hard for me. I need prayers.
Cheers
May you find a way to disconnect from this person that has never been a mom to you. She has made choices and she gets to live with those consequences. It is okay for you to step back and not be her scratching post. Hugs!