My 77 year old mom currently lives in a senior apartment building in NC. I live in Ct. with my husband teen daughter and two early 20’s sons. My step dad passed in 2013 and my mom moved from Fla to here at that time because she quickly sold her little senior mobile home on the advice of my brother and his wife who also live in Fla. she was depressed and in mourning at that time, I was not prepared for her but felt obligated to take her in. After three months of her living here I couldn’t handle her and my aunt in NC told her to come live with her. That lasted for a year and they couldn’t live together any longer. My mom moved into her senior apt. and all was well for a while, although she would tell me how she no longer wanted to live there because she was far from everyone. Funny enough she does not call my brother with all her grief because she doesn’t want to “bother” him. My SIL told my brother that there is no way my mom is welcome to move in with them. Fast forward to now my aunt calls me to say my mom can no longer afford to live on her own and she asked for us to supplement her financially. So I have, my brother states he can’t afford to send anything to my mom. (He had no problem receiving money from her when she had some tho). Just Christmas my aunt suggested that my mom move up north with us and because I felt sorry for my moms situation I agreed. As I write this I know for a fact I cannot let this happen. I love my mom but we have always had a strained relationship and I have asked for her help many times in the past and she had refused saying she was unable to do so. If she did come up to help she would bring my nephew and treat it as a vacation. I know I sound horrible but I mentally cannot let her move in. I am afraid to tell her because it will be a complete s**t show when I do! Any suggestions? I need help ASAP !
Your mother is only 77. She has two more decades of life to live. Are you ready to sacrifice your own life for her? Your have a right to have your own life. So when you discuss things with anyone make it clear that you cannot afford to supplement her and that she cannot live with you; if there is other help you can give, then that can be up for discussion, but live in and money you don't have yourself is not an answer. Tell them, in fact, that you DON'T HAVE an answer. You have told us that. And it is the truth. Not everything has an answer. Not everything can be fixed.
When my mother told me 'jokingly' one time that, for the cost of Assisted Living, they'd move in with ME & pay me rent, I let her know right away that 'that would not work for me, mom, and would be impossible.' No uncertain terms, no wiggle room, nothing.
I suggest you explain to your mother that it just wouldn't work for the two of you to live together again, as you both discovered the last time. You love her, but living together just isn't ideal. You have a family, and THEY come first, so having her move in again would be too big of a burden and you cannot and will not be able to manage it. Sorry mom. How can I help you find a place to live, OUTSIDE of my home? Oh, and I cannot possibly afford to finance your life in any way b/c I can barely afford to finance my OWN life. Let's look into what you CAN afford on your SSI income.
"Funny", isn't it, how these women never want to 'bother' or 'impose' on their sons, but have no problem whatsoever making huge nuisances of themselves on their daughters? It may just be time for all THAT nonsense to change, too! May just be time for sonny-boy to pony up HIS fair share of time, effort & $$$$ for mama's care & management now!
Wishing you all the best of luck managing the word No and finessing the phrase, "I can't possibly manage that mom!"
What you have written DOES NOT sound “horrible”. It sounds honest and self affirming and powerful.
Can YOU send money to your mother without depriving your family? Then DON’T.
It is APPARENT that your mother is not easy to live with.
You have not stated her age. She may be eligible for low income senior housing. If so, she may move near any of her family, including near you, and be independent.
No matter what she says or does, she is NOT able to permanently injure you be screaming at you.
Don’t discuss her circumstances with anyone else.
You have made a good decision for yourself and your family. Stick to it.
Tell Mom you have thought it over and having her move in really is not an option with the three kids still there. And she probably could not afford the cost of living there in Ct.
Maybe you can do some research on the area she is in. Call the County Office of Aging and ask what type of law income apts there are. And before I gave her any money I would want to see her bills and bank statements. Where does her income go. Her savings. If you find out brother is still hitting her up then maybe brother should be paying it back.
Better a short show now, than one that can go on for 20 years.
Best wishes to you.
Seniors are often victims of predators. My relative Was a potential victim of an attempted bank scam where someone tried to take large sums of money out of his bank account. Were it not for the watchful eye of a banker to call this to the attention of his family, thousands of my dollars would have been extracted from his account.
FPOA and MPOA will allow you to understand where her monies are going. It also gives you control of where her money goes. And medical power of attorney allows you to assist in making very difficult medical decisions regarding her health.
For example, If one relative wants to ask her for money, you would have the final say. That is when and if you mother gives you the authority to do so.
This could be done through an attorney or it also could be done through LegalZoom.
Good Luck!
My mom would pull the, “I don’t want to bother your brothers.” That is crap! Why can’t moms bother their ‘precious’ sons?
A friend of mine called me recently. She brought up to me that she is ‘closer’ to her sons than her daughter.
Then she went on to say that her sons call her more. I so badly wanted to say, ‘Yeah, to mooch more money from you!” I kept my mouth shut because I knew that she would feel insulted.
Her daughter is lovely and very independent, always has been. Her sons are lazy as can be and aren’t smart enough to budget their money very well.
They know that if they overspend, mommy will write a check to bail them out! The daughter wouldn’t dream of asking for money.
I reminded my friend how my mom made differences with my brothers and I. I even gave examples. She nonchalantly replied by saying, “Yes, I do the same thing as your mother with my sons and daughter.”
She feels it is perfectly acceptable! It was then that I didn’t waste any more time on the conversation and politely said goodbye. She isn’t going to change!
What is it with some moms with their sons? And why do they not feel like their daughters are equally as important to their sons and don’t think twice about inconveniencing them?
Best wishes to you. Many of us have walked the same difficult path as you. It’s very hard. Mom lived with us for 15 years! I totally get your frustration!
Best wishes to you. Movie forward in your life. Help mom become settled into a nice facility where she will be taken care of.
I learned from this and had many years to think it over. When I married, I did tell my own DH that his mother was not welcome in our house other than to visit for an afternoon or evening. Even having her over for dinner was difficult as she treated me like a servant and any time I sat down to eat, she would request something that required me to get up. And then she would sit there and smirk. I finally realized she wanted time with DH alone at the table, so I told him to take her to a restaurant from that point on if there was going to be a meal involved. Can you imagine if she were living here? Nope. Set the limit and stick to it - even if someone is mad in the short term. You don't sound horrible. I get it.
Regarding the finances, I highly recommend making sure there is complete transparency with the money if you are considering helping her in any way. I always take it with a grain of salt when someone says they can't afford something and they need me to chip in. Sometimes, it's honest-to-goodness the person can't afford it. Sometimes it's a case of they squandered money on some frivolous extras and now expect someone else to buy food or prevent a utility shutoff. If she's not willing to disclose everything and give you access to monitor her spending, then your checkbook is closed to that person!!
Whatever you tell mom and the busybody meddler aunt is not important.
What's important is NOT moving mom in.
What's also important is finding mom the help she needs that is provided by someone else, not you. You can't take on anymore. Try to do everything yourself and nothing will get done right.