I often have to count to 10 and remind myself she is not the same person I married 63 years ago when she says nonsensical or insulting things, or gets demanding or difficult, and talks constantly about her childhood. I find that a couple of beers kind of dulls my sensitivity and I am able to handle it better. I have to wonder how others handle it!
I used to start fairly patient but by 4 pm, I would yell at mom when she used to ramble nonsense/repeat herself. Mom somehow manages to remember that I yell at her and none of the things I do for her daily. She was complaining to some relatives that I yell at her and I was mortified. So I try not to raise my voice now and talk to myself in the car. I might get those squeeze balls from Five Below.
A friend’s advice was to just let it run off your back like water off a duck. Our code word is DUCK! Instantly says “aaargh! I’m frustrated with difficult situation!!!!”
You might also talk to her doctor about some of the stressful things she is doing. She might also be stressed and agitated. A mild anti-anxiety medication might help.
I listen to music. I have a calming playlist, or a single song that I play on repeat that always calms me down (“These Days” by Ian Matthews).
Going for a walk outside - I can’t tell you how liberating it is, particularly if you have access to a forest. The crisp air and stillness of the forest is freeing. Even if only for 15 minutes.
Sometimes patience is the hardest thing. Particularly when the loved one you love is no longer there. You feel robbed and cheated and angry. I know that so well. But acknowledging those feelings is also helpful in grounding me. It validates my feelings, but then I only feel pity for my Dad, so it’s easier to forgive what he’s become. And pity is better than being pissed off.
"She's built up a lot of credit," he said.
He was absolutely right. My mother had his back for at least 60 of their 66 years together, raised his children, took care of his house and all the cooking, put up with his crazy mother, and kept the ship running when he worked six days a week and didn't take a vacation for the last 15 years he worked. She was 100% devoted to him as he was to her.
Marriage isn't always a balance of give and take, and sometimes one partner has to give a lot more in a shorter amount of time than the other did over the span of the marriage. However, if you keep score at all, I'll bet your wife has some substantial credit built up herself.
My dad was not a saint carrying the load alone, though. I was around to help, and I made sure that he got out of the house on his own to do the grocery shopping (the hunt for bargains took him to five stores each week), attend his church's men's group on Wednesday mornings, and to his weekly Rotary meetings. You can't exist in a bubble with absolutely no support, and while I don't think most of my dad's friends really knew what he was dealing with, at least he had an outlet to think about something other than Mom for a few hours each week.
Try to make time for yourself to have an outlet as well. It's vital you maintain your health and sanity while you're on this path, and if it gets to be too much, look into placement for your wife. You aren't required to sacrifice your existence for her, and it doesn't do her any good if you go down. If you place her, you'll be freed up to just love on her and not worry about the other stuff. I wish my dad would have done that, but he was adamant Mom would stay home. He ended up dying three years before she did, and I had to place her anyway.
Her brain is changing- it's complicated, difficult and so very, very hard to understand. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is extremely difficult to watch a loved one decline. Yet, you did have six decades with her, of many, many memories, worth holding on to, when once again, the poop hits the fan-try to think back to that time when you two were doing something really silly and maybe that will take the edge off of how your wife is behaving.....
I'd be careful dulling sensitivity-it can lead to more dulling and then-what good is one when they aren't at their best to take care of another? Her brain is self selecting to becoming dull....you can see where this may not be the best way to deal with stress. Do talk to a therapist, so many good people out here are willing to help.
Exercise! I walk and jog in place in my room while watching TV in the morning. And additional exercises. Getting the blood flowing is very good for you. Even better would be for you, if you can safely leave her alone, to get outside for a half hour or longer walk every day. That will really help clear your mind and is a good form of self care, which all caregivers desperately need.
You have to find a way to accept that the conversation with your wife will not improve and that it will be, as I tell my sister, BORING. You will have to talk to other adults to get your socialization. Your wife is not longer the woman you married. Her brain is broken.
You need to get some time for yourself. Do you have any paid help yet? If not, start looking into it now. You can not spend all your time home with her. You need to get out and do things on your own. Go to lunch with a friend. Go shopping. Do something that you used to do. You can tell your wife that the person is there to clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, etc. And keep an eye on her, which she does not need to know.
I personally would just try and get away for a little while even if it was just to the grocery store or to just sit outside on my patio. You must do whatever you need to to continue on this journey with your wife, as I will tell you now from experience that there will come a day when you will wish for just one more day to care for your spouse no matter how difficult it was.
May God bless you and keep you as you do the very best you can for your wife.