Mom has recently moved in with us. She's 90 and we're starting to suspect undiagnosed dementia. One of the minor issues that I'm trying to get a handle on is trying to deal with the differing nutritional values in our household. Mom has always been a big junk food eater. Her nutrition has always been horrible, shockingly so. I was unhealthy and severely overweight until I grew up, moved out of mom's house and learned about proper nutrition. These years later, when we started planning for her to move in with us we expected that there would need to be some compromises on both sides of the food issue. And I was very much willing to compromise. I just don't see a point in denying a 90 year old whatever she wants to eat. But her eating habits are far worse than I anticipated. She's addicted to sweets, pastries and frozen dinners. She won't eat a home cooked meal that I prepare because she wants frozen mac and cheese dinner instead. As I've mentioned, we suspect dementia is in play. She misunderstands things - A LOT. And she can't remember new information. So the discussion on this topic that I had anticipated having with her probably isn't in the cards. The kids are seeing all this junk food in the kitchen and they're constantly upset when I won't let them have what grandma is having. When I try to ease back on the junk food, my sugar addicted mom has a hissy fit. And I mean it. She's like a child. She gets so angry if she doesn't have her junk food. I just can't win. My husband and I have worked so hard to established good nutrition in our home over the years. I'm not trying to control mom's eating habits but I don't want them to exist at the cost of my family's nutrition either. Especially with summer right around the corner, I'm really concerned that the kids are going to start picking up grandma's terrible habits. (As for how she's getting the food, she goes shopping with her aide.) The aide suggested that mom keep her treats in her room. Husband pointed out how she leaves her used incontinence underwear all over her bedroom, we don't need her leaving food all over her room as well. Food needs to be stored in the kitchen. How do I strike a happy balance between moms food cravings and our nutritional values for our kids?
I don't really know how you can strike a happy medium with this.
Perhaps you can just teach your kids that what your mother eats is not healthy?
If she is leaving soiled diapers around her bedroom, then I'd be worried that she is suffering from some dementia as you pointed out.
I separate food into "good for you" and "just tastes good" and I teach we eat "good for you" when we're hungry and anything goes when you just want something that tastes good. Until one hour before a meal (when I usually start cooking) there's unlimited fruit, yogurt, ice cream, cheese and crackers or leftovers. If the meal is less than an hour away, I encourage pick one snack to hold you over and then eat a good meal. After meals, the "snack" drawer is open for the afternoon or evening. The snack drawer has chips, fruit gummies, pudding cups, small packs of cookies and little debbie cakes; it also contains applesauce cups, peanuts, peanut butter crackers, cheese crackers, popcorn and fruit cups (peaches/pears/pineapple/mixed). The fridge has yogurt and ice cream, along with grapes, Clementine tangerines, raw veggies and dip. There's candy in containers on the back counters. So there are pure junk snacks and good food choices too.
When the kids get older I also teach comparative choices - a whole bag of popcorn has fewer calories than 1 snack bag of chips or a handful of m&ms. Broccoli, carrots, celery, cucumbers, tomatoes and yogurt based dips are almost "free" good for you foods. That plate of roast beef and broccoli that you love with chocolate milk has fewer calories than chips and a soda - which makes you feel full longer? Beef, broccoli and milk are nutritious choices, chips and soda have no nutritional value.
The kids with few restrictions generally eat sparingly of the junk snacks and in particular of the chips and candy, preferring popcorn, yogurt tubes, ice cream, fruit and raw veggies. They also ask for "good food" when they are hungry. The restricted kids easily eat 3-4 times the amount of junk food that their cousins do even after a good meal. I'm afraid they will carry that pattern into adulthood because they felt deprived during childhood. The kids who know can have junk food later and/or tomorrow eat less junk.
You may be able to control the food choices your kids have in your home during childhood, but as adults they will have complete access to all the fast food and junk choices. I believe you need to have both good and junk food around and teach children to make balanced choices in childhood if you want adults with healthy attitudes about food.
how about 2 cabinets - one with enough snacks for the day that is NOT child-proofed, and the other for the remainder, with child-proof locks. Then you supply the needed amount each day in the cabinet she can open... That way she can help herself, but as you say, when the day's supply is gone, you eat what we eat or wait until tomorrow!
Of course if she has dementia, this may not work either... Your idea of a day's supply may not match hers...
My DIL is a vegetarian. My son is a very committed carnivore. Talk about a mixed marriage! They almost never eat the same meal (although they often eat together). They each shop and cook for themselves. No major crisis has ensued. The mixed marriage so far has lasted 18 years.
It seems like Mother in this scenario shops for herself and can cook for herself (heat up the mac & cheese). Sounds pretty much like my DIL and son, except for Scout's kids. And that is all Scout asked about. How does she handle the bad example Gramma is setting for her kids? I think there have been several good suggestions for that.
It doesn't sound to me like Mother is insisting or expecting Scout to make separate meals for her, nor is Scout complaining about that.
Scout, my hat's off to you for respecting your mother's differences and trying to accommodate them while setting good examples for your children. Gramma may not be setting good nutrition examples, but you are demonstrating love for someone with special needs!
(I had to install these locks in my previous house to keep the CATS out of the cabinets! My kids were already full-grown and moved out before I had to resort to those!)
It may not apply to your mom given her lifetime affliction with less than healthy eating but sometimes there are medical issues that contribute to a change in eating habits or require a change in habit. It might be worth checking in with her doctor about the lack of nutrition and incontinence to see if there is a connection. Along that line, even if it's stretching the truth a bit, this could be a helpful idea for talking with your kids about it too. Sounds like you just had a good conversation but I imagine it may take ongoing discussions to get them through this transition of eating habit contradiction. The changes in taste, smell and food intake as one ages as well as pointing out the negative results of unhealthy eating habits (including medical issues not just weight) depending on how you want to approach it might be a good opportunity for driving home some cause and affect.
Just getting back to the incontinence issues for a moment though, your husbands point/complaint is not only valid but maybe something to address a bit more if you haven't already. Especially given that she has an aid it seems like there shouldn't be so much of an issue with keeping up with this. There are probably factors I'm not privy to or connecting with from other discussions based on responses here but your family shouldn't have to give in to having urine soaked undergarments and or bedding lying around and even if that and the high sugar content of her diet or lack of good nutrition aren't connected you should be getting as much help as you need to deal with it. No doubt you have seen the recent threads dealing with the incontinence issue and have implemented anything that makes sense to you but do be sure to again consult medical assistance with this if those ideas and the aid aren't dealing with the issue well. I'm guessing your mom's lack of assistance on this is similar to her lack of consideration for meals prepared and enjoyed with the family unfortunately. We all have our less than positive qualities as well as crosses to bear I guess. Hang in there you are obviously an extremely caring and loving daughter with a caring husband and your mom is lucky to have you both in her life.
What she can't do is dictate what is stored in Scout's kitchen and what gets cooked for the family's dinner. If she wants to do that, which is her perfect right as an adult, then she will have to do so in her own household and not in her daughter's. As long as she wants to be part of the family, then she will have to make compromises.
That's the problem. You need to stop the source. You need to let the aide know that if she continues buying junk food for your mom, then she will not be able to take your mom shopping.
You may have to shop for your mom.
The elderly are often like children. Sometimes, we need to become the parent.
She is in MC now, so she gets healthier meals, however many have their bad habits still - the "Banjos" are a big item there (chocolate covered ice cream bar - when I eat with her she's constantly trying to get me to take one while she's eating hers!) Despite having better meals, she really refuses to get some exercise (I encourage walking, esp after meals with some of the other ladies, to no avail) - so, she gained 20 lbs in a year... clothes no longer fit, and bringing in the size L isn't going too well - oh I usually wear a M.... not any more mom... :-0
As for Scout - yup, keep grammy's food supply off-limits, have her eat the crap out of sight if possible and keep reinforcing with the kids that it is better to eat healthy (as you indicate, some snacks periodically are okay, but not as a steady diet!) If nothing else, they see her "behavior" and some is likely due to her poor choices in nutrition!
There are so many health issues that arise from eating crap that you can point to, even if they are under 10 (heart, diabetes, weight issues, etc.) Focus on how eating healthy is best for them to help avoid issues as they grow up and age. You don't want to be like Grandma, do you? ;-)
Best of luck getting her into a place - I have read your other posts and the sooner a space opens up the better for ALL of you!!!
I don't have small children around now, but if I did, I would be sure to point out the link to poor nutrition and dementia. How limiting carbs and added sugar, and eating lots of fresh vegetables and leafy greens, which isn't that hard, may have actually prevented mom from ending up like this, and might prevent lots of other inflammatory conditions. And yes, any good articles that you find are worth sharing.
I liked the idea of a locked cabinet to keep the kids away from grandma's junk...I'll actually will take a similar idea for my pantry, so that mom's aides can find her food more easily! Get a basket with her name so they know where to look...and probably keep track of what she's eating when we are not there.
I remember very well the "my house, my rules" and I've brought that up with mine...but it is as if once they reach a certain age, they forget about how they were as parents, is like magic...poof!
Seriously, it sounds like assisted living or possible by the time there is an opening, memory care. The unsanitary depends etc. show she probably has dementia.
And sometimes people who are very sick have/need special privileges.
It is your job to help your children grow up healthy. Grandma is already grown up, is not healthy, and it is not your job to supervise her food.
I see lots of teaching opportunities here.
And, BTW, if Mom does have dementia, then it isn't really reasonable to expect her to make concessions, especially on life-long habits.
I have to say, if it were my home - as it was - shared with my mother (so her home too) - and I were in charge of getting the family meal on the table, there would be one meal which you eat or you don't eat, and if you prefer not to then fine. But I ain't cooking twice.
The thing is. I get you about not making a person who's got to advanced age on a terrible diet suddenly discover the joys of wholesome eating. Sure. But... your mother enjoys the advantage of having a family that wants to include her. It's not entirely unreasonable to expect her too to make *certain* concessions to being part of that family. Like, for example, having her treats after meals, rather than for meals.
Was she always like this? When you invited her round long before she was living with you, did she expect to be catered for separately then?
I remember not that long ago getting my parent's [in their 90's] groceries, and Mom had on the list pie, cake, muffins, fudge ice cream, Little Debbie treats, Hostess treats, etc. And I noticed that my parents didn't eat as much as they did a decade ago because at their age they weren't as active. I even find my self wanting just frozen Mac & Cheese for dinner than a regular large meal.
If the children understand good nutrition, then I wouldn't worry about them getting into Grandma's junk food. Being your Mom is 90 years old, if she wants ice cream for breakfast, ask her if she wants one or two scoops. Too many times I read on the forums here where some adult children cannot get their parent to eat anything.
She’s not going to compromise. She wouldn’t do it for her own children. She’s not going to do it for yours.
OMG. I just looked at your profile and said to myself. This is Scouts mother we are talking about!
I know you have her on a waiting list already. You may need to move her into interim housing before you get the room you are waiting on. She can take the “ aide” with her.