How do we convince my narcissistic father in law that getting his own place will be a good thing?
Its 5 weeks until my father in laws apartment is ready. I'm counting the days until he's out! He however is finding every excuse under the sun now to NOT move out of our home.
The closer it gets to him moving out, the more he has to say about why he doesn't want to and shouldn't leave.
I told hubby it's him or me! I'm tired of his demands! He has turned my life and my home upside down!
Me and hubby were fighting so bad that we were talking about divorce! I smoke like a train now! Im tired of ALL the demands! Im tired of his old west way of thinking “The woman should cater to and treat the men like kings, after all your JUST the woman” grrrrrrr My husband was never demanding and never seen things that way BUT he sees his dad getting away with it so now hes starting to be like his dad. Im sick of it! The old man needs to get out!
He is so used to being catered to: meals made, (I hate having to knock on “his” door to let him know foods ready. I feel like some peasant serving the king) we buy him and make him all the foods he wants, he wakes up in the morning and his breakfast and coffee is ready, his lunch is made for him, his dinner is made for him, (He wants dinner on the table at 6:00 because he doesnt like to eat “late”)
(I run to my room when he eats because he smacks his food and will talk while hes eating while he is spitting food everywhere. I can barely understand him WITHOUT food in his mouth! If hes eating I dont understand a word he says!) we make his doctors appointments, we drive him to the doctor, I take care of his meds, he doesnt have bills to worry about, everything is done for him here!
Why would he want to move out?
The apt is in an elderly community, its a place that I would live in when I get his age. Its really nice!
But there will be nobody to make his meals or cater to him and he will have to do things on his own and as narcissistic and demanding as he is that to him is completely unacceptable!
How do we convince him that living in his own place will be a good thing?
That he NEEDS to be independent!
And I NEED MY LIFE BACK!
11 Answers
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If so, you (what your DH does is up to him, never mind him for the moment) need do and say ab-so-lute-ly nothing. Not a thing. Smile vaguely. Pat his hand and say "now don't you worry Pops, it'll all be fine." Rub your hands and cackle "vengeance is mine, I will repay." Whatever pops into your head, or nothing at all, just as you feel.
You have only to keep breathing and not stick a plastic bag over his head, and in five weeks' time you will be free. Or free-er, anyway. After that you can revisit the other boundaries.
No more knocking on his door to tell him a meal is ready. No more planning meals around what he wants to eat. No more buying different food for him, if he wants something different, he can go shopping for it, prepare it and clean up after himself.
Serve dinner when you want to, not when he demands it. Or better yet, go out and leave him to figure out what he is going to do about dinner.
Stop doing anything for him, no laundry, no shopping, no appointments.
Yes he will likely pitch a fit, but you have to stand up for your rights as an individual. Stand your ground.
My first former mil had the mil from hell. She was physically, mentally and financially capable. Looking back she probably was a narcissist. Frances would announce that she was coming to visit, giving short notice. She would expect the master bedroom would be vacated for her. Like your fil dinner was required to be on the table at 6:00 pm on the dot.
The list goes on, she had to have one banana a day of the perfect ripeness. God help you if it developed a freckle overnight, or someone else ate the last one.
She was a bully through and through.
I was 22 and was the only person to ever stand up to her and her crazy demands. But you know what? She respected me after that. She did not like me, but she knew she could not get away with her antics with me.
As you said yourself, why would he want to leave?!
Because, hey, the help at his sons place is a little snippy but she’s a hard worker and the foods not bad.....
So how to make him want to leave? Be proactive on making his move a success.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that staying is not an option.
If he can’t do for himself, perhaps an ALF is more what he needs instead of IL?
I assume he drives. You don’t mention health issues. How old is he? Why is he living with you now?
Is he already familiar with the neighborhood where he will be living?
If appropriate, get a notebook and start gathering info for him on how to make his new home a success.
Set it up like a hotel guide. Emergency numbers. Pharmacy and medical numbers. Insurance information.
Take out menus, delivery services, grocery stores, movie theaters, cleaners, a maid service.
Recipes for his favorite food items. laundry tips. Local parks and walking paths.
Visit facilities at the senior center and visit the office and discover the employees names and services they offer.
Maybe a trip to a pet store to consider a fish or small pet?
Involve him in this so that he feels comfortable and is forward looking. Take him shopping for a TV tray and a trial run at the grocery. Don’t do it for him. Do it with him.
And cut back on waiting on him. “let” your husband do any personal services required. All your efforts are to get him out. All personal services in your home done by your husband. If your husband is so comfortable with dad, maybe look into a two bedroom for them.
edit. I see you are taking him to doctor appointments. So maybe he doesn’t drive?
Now a year and 1/2 later Im burned out.
He moved in in August 2017, my aunt in October my father passed away Jan 2018 then my mom broke her hip in March then my stepdad died in April 2018.
I havent had time to grieve for anyone!
Hubby is on a job working 6 days a week right now so its all up to me!
Hubby does make him breakfast which is great, but he is so picky and cant eat a lot of stuff because he has no teeth! 🤷🏼♀️
Stop catering to him.
And if your husband is getting to be a sh4% - then marriage counseling when FIL in his own home.
MY dad and FIL were the same way - exactly. I stopped catering to them. "I want to eat at 6pm" "Sorry, in this house we eat at 6:30". etc. They felt that the "little woman" should be at their beck and call. One time I was so angry when my FIL yet again complained about something I cooked and said "I want something else!" that I took his plate - scraped his food in the garbage and came back. "What am I going to eat?" "I don't know - up to you. You didn't want what I made". WWIII between MIL, FIL and Me. Thank goodness my DH is on my side - he took FIL outside and asked him to look at our house "I don't see restaurant written up there"
It boils my blood when old a@@ treat women this way. And my MIL would try to get me in line "don't you want to please your FIL?" and my answer was "no, I'd rather please DH and myself"
UggggHhhh!!!!!!!!
I had a father like ur FIL. Mom waited on him hand and foot till the day he died. My first marriage I thought this was how it was done. My efforts were not appreciated. I felt like a slave. Second marriage I am not so obliging. Don't get me wrong, I do for my hubby, but he is also a BIG boy and can do for himself. I don't cook much since its just the two of us. When I do, its "thank you dear".
Has he had a professional needs assessment?
Yes he will have to make his own meals, make his own coffee, etc
Theres a grocery store, bank, and restaurant, right across the street from his apartment building.
They also have things there at the apartment that he can eat.
The apt building has a library, pool tables, poker tables, they have meetings, get togethers, food nights, doctors who come in and give seminars.....
Im telling you this place is awesome!
When my mother in law was sick he did everything, got the mail, cleaned up after her, made her meals, called about her meds etc
but since she passed away and moved in with us hubby and I have done everything for him.
Believe me hes the healthiest and strongest 87 yr old man I have ever seen.
Its not a factor of can he live on his own, its that now he feels like he should be catered to and taken care of, he doesnt WANT to live on his own.
He is really arrogant and he is getting worse.
Sit your man Down, Talk Turkey, Chickie, Lay it on the No Fine Line, How it is going to Go Down.
Tell HIM you ae Going to Leave if Dad is Not Out by the Time the House of Cards are calling for Grim Him to MOVE OUT.
It's an elders' "community" - and, yes, certainly, with all conceivable conveniences by the sound of it - but run by whom, with what kind of assistance services available on hand, and with what admissions criteria?
I hope all these bases have been covered; we're only asking, that's all.