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Dad frequently thinks his parents are still living and he is still a child. We have been telling him they are in heaven. Is there a better way to handle this?
rfisher2861, it's pretty common for the elderly with late-stage dementia to not remember events of their later years and, as the disease progresses, to remember only their very earliest years. So, as others have said, it may be better to not keep telling your dad that his parents are gone and, instead, either change the subject or just go with the flow. But dementia affects everyone differently, so you should do whatever works best for your dad.
That said, here's what worked for my dad: Within two weeks of moving him at age 92 to our home, he completely forgot that he had ever lived anywhere except his childhood and college-day homes from 70+ years ago. Then, easily within the first 24 hours of moving him to a memory care facility a few years later, he didn't remember ever living with us. I visited him daily and he usually thought I was his dad, but sometimes I was one of his brothers, and only rarely did he recognize me as his son. During almost all of those visits, he would ask me to take him home, but "home" was his childhood home where he thought his mom was waiting for him (or waiting for us, since he often thought I was his dad). I always told him it was too late today since all I had was a bike, but that we could go "home" in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, then we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride "home." Sometimes other residents overheard us and wanted us to take them to their homes and I'd tell them the same things I told my dad (which makes me wonder if your dad had been there if he would also have asked us to take him home).
Like I said, everyone's different, so tell your dad what you think is best. Best wishes.
Agreed that it will relive the grief, and now he's mourning them as a child losing his parents.
He's probably scared and needs to feel taken care of. If he asks where they are, give a simple excuse that has them away and you and anyone helping you to look after him for them.
So agree with lealonnie1. Telling him the truth could be painful overandoverandover. It's kind to tell him a fib that they're doing well or something like that.
Of course, he could manage the news just fine, like he may recall it was a relief that they had passed because they were in pain.
Assuming your father has dementia/Alzheimer's, just redirect the conversation when he mentions his parents are still living. Because otherwise, every time you tell him they're deceased, he gets to relive the grief of their passing as a brand new experience. The best thing to do with dementia in general is just change the subject when it's an ugly one, and move onto snack time or an activity he enjoys. If your dad feels he's still a child, perhaps he'd enjoy playing with some trucks or toys that he enjoyed playing with when he was a child. It may be worth your while to offer him some things like that & see if he likes them. Things and activities need to be kept super simple for folks at this stage of life.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
That said, here's what worked for my dad: Within two weeks of moving him at age 92 to our home, he completely forgot that he had ever lived anywhere except his childhood and college-day homes from 70+ years ago. Then, easily within the first 24 hours of moving him to a memory care facility a few years later, he didn't remember ever living with us. I visited him daily and he usually thought I was his dad, but sometimes I was one of his brothers, and only rarely did he recognize me as his son. During almost all of those visits, he would ask me to take him home, but "home" was his childhood home where he thought his mom was waiting for him (or waiting for us, since he often thought I was his dad). I always told him it was too late today since all I had was a bike, but that we could go "home" in the morning after a good night's sleep and a hot breakfast. That usually satisfied him, but when it didn't, then we would walk the halls together looking for an exit and a ride "home." Sometimes other residents overheard us and wanted us to take them to their homes and I'd tell them the same things I told my dad (which makes me wonder if your dad had been there if he would also have asked us to take him home).
Like I said, everyone's different, so tell your dad what you think is best. Best wishes.
He's probably scared and needs to feel taken care of. If he asks where they are, give a simple excuse that has them away and you and anyone helping you to look after him for them.
Of course, he could manage the news just fine, like he may recall it was a relief that they had passed because they were in pain.
Best of luck to you!