My mom has been a binge drinker for the past twenty-years. She's been in and out of the hospital for trying to "drink herself to death". Then she sobers up and acts like nothing happened. Sober periods an last months, but since the beginning of the holiday season, she's been on one bender after another - always at home and drinking massive amounts of vodka by herself; until she looses complete control. This week, she took a bunch of sleeping pills as well and ended up in the hospital.
Addiction treatment places just tell us the same thing. They can't do anything until she asks for help. And again, she sobers up and then is "fine" - until the next one. But it's becoming more and more clear that she doesn't want to live anymore.
My dad and brother are with her all the time. They live across the country. My brother is also an addict and tends to mimic my mom's behavior. My dad is completely broken as he gets blamed for everything. My mom abuses him verbally when she's drunk and I worry about him just as much. And my brother ends up in a spiral when she has her episodes too.
I am always the one who has to reach out for help on their behalf; so here I am again - trying to help from 2500 miles away. Needless to say, I'll be looking for my own therapist this week.
Any resources you can give would be helpful. I told my dad to reach out to the suicide prevention hotline too. They are located in Cleveland. My mom was born in 1947. I'll be sending info their way.
I would concentrate any efforts on him if he shows an inclination to go to rehab.
Have you attended AlAnon meetings? I think you would find them very useful.
There is a very unhealthy dynamic at work in your family. You seem have to broken free but you have no power to control the behaviors of the others. It must be heartbreaking to witness this.
My brother is in recovery from heroin. He's been clean for over three years. If/when he falls apart, he does drink. I don't think he's gone to therapy in a while due to health insurance loss (COVID lay offs). He "hates" my mom, but has the gene. I had to beg him last night to call the suicide hotline to find some help for him and my dad. I swear, she wants to take them with her.
It's a mess. And YES, their dynamic is completely unhealthy! You nailed it. THANK YOU. It's exhausting to tell them to find professional help for themselves. I feel like it's all I can do from where I'm at. I'm scared to call my mom tomorrow for our weekly calls. I don't know what to say.
I agree that if she does not want to live there is at this point little you can do about either that fact or about her "drinking herself to death". That may be her choice. It is difficult for us to "get" but life becomes too difficult for people at some point.
Again, there is little you can do about this but placement when she is no longer safe and has no longer the mental capacity for her own decisions. I very much doubt that anti depressants will work; they certainly did ZERO for my bro's ex.
Let her know you will assist her if she decides to change. Otherwise you are where you have been for 25 years. Get on with your own life.
I definitely recommend Al-Anon for your own support and understanding. They and their members are wonderful. And you will learn about support options.
My partner's Mom made this choice. Living in the desert in a lovely home in the Carefree area, she created a little drip pond and watched the desert wildlife out her window, slowly drinking herself to death. She took out a reverse mortgage and had the support of housekeepers, shoppers, and etc. She was lucky to die in her own bed with her own vodka bottle nearby. To be frank, for some, it's an option. I shock people when I say that, but I do believe it.
We've already had her in treatment, done the Al-Anon support and all of that. She's not diagnosed with anything, but has a hell of a rap sheet for being in the hospital for drinking herself incapacitated.
Thank you, again, for your story. It means a lot.
Try searching for a site that deals with addiction, alcoholism or suicide prevention.
I am sorry you are having a hard time with this. It is true, addicts cannot be helped until they are ready to help themselves. Often unless they reach out, death results.
Alanon is a great suggestion. They offer online support meetings.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/
BUT - This is no longer just "alcoholism". She's straight up a danger to herself and she will probably kill herself. I don't want to have regrets of not trying everything possible to find professional opinions in what my dad (mostly) can do. Yes, she is elderly.
And that you won't be calling any longer, because you are done with her if she won't stop bingeing?
Your mother is very young, she could easily live another 20 years. Try 911 and if that doesn’t work, back off and lead your own life. You did all that you could do. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. I had to repeat that mantra daily when my mother was still alive.