How do we physically get my father to a memory care facility? He said if we try and remove him from his home, he will disappear.

Dear Vickier,
Perhaps it might be best to sedate him and transfer him when he is asleep.
Just a thought/suggestion. You may wish to discuss that option with your physician and how to go about it.

Did you withhold taxes from your mother's aide's paycheck, Kelkel?

I know how hard this is, I had to trick my Dad into AL after a fall resulting in brain surgery. He was never the same. I have full POA but he threatened to sue me. I consulted with his attorney who drew up the POA. He told me dad could sign himself out and leave. The only way to keep him in there was to have him declared incompetent by a judge. I didn’t do that because his dementia was so bad he could not find his way home anyway. That was 3 yrs ago, he is now in memory care.
These decisions are so hard and take their toll.
My health is failing now. Take care of yourself because in the end that’s what your left with.
I know the guilt that comes with it. I hated spending his money that he worked so hard for, knowing he wanted to be home. But people have different dispositions. My dad isn’t compliant to where he would tolerate someone caring for him at home. He ran care people out when mom was sick. I lived an hour away so I couldn’t be there in a moment notice. Again I felt I dishonored him but not everyone can stay in their home. I wished it could have worked that way but it didn’t. Someday I hope I can find peace in these decisions.
God bless.

Please respect his wishes. Between the 3 of you, you can hire a live in aide. Hire a private aide off care.com for $10/hr. If you hire from a company, they will charge around $21/hr & only pay their aide around $9/hr. Get 1-2 wireless cameras & tell the aide. I used mine as home security (with the added benefit of watching from afar to make sure mom was treated respectfully). I fired many for yelling, blasting music over my mom, ignoring her, etc. Face the cameras towards the front door from inside. You can still hear them talking but it's not as intrusive. Mine filmed past a sitting room & kitchen to face the door. Put another outside facing the door where you can see possible intruders (and can monitor your dad & aide coming & going). You can run background checks on care.com. Also, I was able to just pay the aide during my mom's waking hours & the aide would stay overnight for free. This worked as long as she slept good. Melatonin 3 mg helps. It wasn't very expensive & mom stayed home. You can find any documents you need online such as timesheets, job duties & even release from liabilities if he hits them with a cane or something (like my mom likes to do). Listen to your Dad. I believe in doing unto others as we would have done to us. Just try it before anything else. My mom has lived with me for 3 yrs and had caregivers in her own home for 5 years, I've learned a lot!

As others have said, trick him if you can force him physically if you have too. You are doing the right thing. If he was just a danger to himself that is one thing, not ideal, but we can argue it is his right to make poor decisions, but if he causes someone to have a car accident and get hurt trying to avoid not hitting him on the road at night, or tries to get in a house at night that is not his and gets hurt by the homeowners...those people will have to live with the fallout if his poor decisions. Do not do that to someone else. That is why the local police are being so helpful and reasonable, they know how poorly this could all playout and are trying to keep everyone safe with no regrets.

Do you have a DOCUMENT that states how and why your dad is unable to make his own choices and take care of himself?
I had a document drafted for my LO that explicitly detailed her symptoms and diagnosis.
It is a powerful tool for managing her affairs, and I have a copy with me EVERY TIME I do banking or ANY SORT of medical management decision for her.
Your current medical personnel may be able to recommend a geriatric specialist dealing in psychiatry, psychology, or social work who can visit your dad, observe his symptoms and question him cautiously about his surroundings, memory, and other cognitive concerns, perhaps prescribe a small dose of a calming/anti anxiety/anti depressive medication, and provide documentation for you based on their professional observations.
If you’ve already had this done, USE IT. If you haven’t, investigate getting this, out of love for your dad, and peace of mind for yourselves.

I look forward to an answer on this one as Michigan has just passed new laws to protect seniors making it even more difficult to place parents in proper care. At the same time the law is being viewed as neglect if family member / members don’t get parents medical care or a safe living environment. It’s getting ridiculous as families face difficulties trying to take care of their loved ones and now have to fight legal battles with the state.

Flying solo on my own with my mother and grandmother as I’m the only living family member to try and help my own. Best wishes and good luck.

First I think the fact that his doctor is saying he needs to be placed helps a number of your concerns, from a legal perspective if the doctor is saying this and his POA is in agreement (especially all of you!) I think your covered even if he's refusing. Now that is not to say I am advocating forcing him kicking and screaming if you can help it but you should be on good legal ground so you don't end up having to go through it all over again if it get's the kicking a screaming point. You would be well advised though to cover your bases by consulting with the attorney that drew up POA for instance and making sure you have copies of everything you might need including doctors statement in the event your dad is able and does sound reasonable challenging anything (for instance police are called). Once you are prepared for the worst, that I hope doesn't happen, you can go about planning for the best possible transition.

So much of what may or may not work revolves around how your fathers mind is working now of course. Some patients are eased into it by setting up their room with furniture from home so it looks familiar and know how much they forget that they accept being told "this is where you live" but it sounds like that might not work with your dad given his activity level and isolation. Would he see the logic and be willing to move closer to you and or your sister and BIL? Maybe that would be an avenue for getting him to go along with a move and you could transition that to MC? Does he have people coming in to help or be with him at home? I ask because that might help him adjust to having people caring for him before being moved to someplace where that is the point. Would it be possible for him to be in AL first or something that warms him up to group living situation before feeling "locked in"? Does he have any friends or family living in some sort of elderly housing/AL/MC that he could start visiting regularly first to get familiar to that type of surrounding? A hospital stay of course would probably help with a transition like this but a medical event that would cause this isn't something you really want. I do mention it though because should something happen that lands him in the hospital you should be ready to jump on the opportunity. Needed or not you could tell him he's going to rehab from hospital and then work him into permanence from there, you can also in either case make the doctor the "heavy", he or she is putting their foot down he can no longer live alone for safety reasons so here are the options (have "them" ready). But moving from somewhere other than home is going to be easier. You could perhaps come up with a reason for him to need to go for respite care maybe and then once he's there that keeps extending until he stops asking, if he is a patient that will forget and adapt. Perhaps a reason he needs to leave the house for a time (fumigating) or permanently (we can't afford it anymore) would be easier for him to accept? Does he get in the car to go out to lunch or to doctors appointments? Will he get in the car if he isn't thinking he is being moved to a facility? Does he know MC means he will be locked in? I can see how this might be difficult if he doesn't understand the danger's of his wandering, maybe he would respond better if he believed it posed a danger to others or caused you and sis a lot of stress and anxiety? I know my mom often gives in when she thinks she is causing us harm. This is a tough one, I'm sorry you are going through this but it's nice you have your sister & BIL to work with though. Good luck

For several years before my dad went to a Long Term Care Facility, we had tried to get him in. But at first the doctors would not deem him incompetent. Until he was deemed incompetent, he could sign himself out if we put him in a home. We had to call the ambulance several times as he fell often. The last time an ambulance was called, the ambulance attendant asked if he had a POA. My mom spoke up and said she is his POA. The paramedic then said he is making a judgement call and the POA is to take control. So after he got to the hospital, the doctors agreed with this assesment and finally deemed dad incompetent. So the hospital kept him at this point till a nursing home excepted him. I know that calling an ambulance is traumatic but I am greatful for this as it got the ball rolling. He has been in the nursing home for 2 and half years now.

You’re going to have to tell dad whatever fib it takes to get him in the car. Then you go to the facility. Tell him it’s a resort. You’re having a nice lunch, whatever.....

Few old folks ever agree to go into care especially stubborn old guys with dementia.

i went through this with my dad not long ago. Took him to lunch with mom at the assisted living place. I left him in the dining room and the staff took over. They immediately got him on some calming meds but he soentbweeks looking for his car. Took a swing at a caregiver once so they sent him for a phyc eval.

POA or not, when it’s obvious that folks can’t go it alone these facilities will do their job.

sometimes even this may not work. He may have to be dealt with by the local authorities after his next adventure wandering around lost.

this is the toughest time. Good luck to you.

You go visit. And you trick him. That's how. Make sure your ducks in a row. All insurances, social security and Medicare cards copied. Make sure they accept.

What we did with our mom was tell her she was going to dentist. We took her to a geriatric behavioral health Center for a week plus. 70k but between Medicare and supp insurance, they paid for. She was on skilled for a month post hospital discharge. Then we went to,private pay.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. Was there another choice? Well the sheriff to remove her from home. This has been an unpleasant journey, but we had no choice. But we had guardianship which allowed us to do. And we had to.

Just to clarify: Does your Dad live within the city limits or does he live on a farmstead that is 5-10 miles from the city and his closest neighbor lives 1-2 miles away from him?

What type of wandering deterrents have you tried? Those suffering with Alzheimer's, other forms of dementia and memory loss have a tendency to wander whether they are at home or in unfamiliar surroundings. They are trying to make sense of the world they find themselves in at that moment. 

A couple of articles about wandering: 
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/products-and-strategies-for-managing-dementia-wandering-142801.htm
(Please note that I do not think the suggestion of locks on the outside doors is appropriate for your Dad since he lives alone.)

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/wandering-alzheimers-patients-142875.htm

Visual deterrents such as STOP SIGNS that hang ACROSS DOORWAYS and Black or DARK MATS on the floor that are interpreted as "BLACK HOLES" are a couple of ways to minimize wandering of people with Alzheimer's and Dementia.

Here are some websites (Copy & Paste URL to your browser.) of Stop Signs made especially as visual deterrent for wandering. Many of the signs are attached with Velcro-like fasteners so that you can take them off anytime you want to.  The sign will need to be removed prior to your loved one going out the door. 

https://www.webmd.com/brain/10-ways-to-prevent-wandering#

https://www.alzstore.com/stop-sign-banner-p/0134.htm

https://www.caregiverproducts.com/posey-stop-sign-door-banner.html

https://www.mindcarestore.com/stop-sign-banner-p/mc-0134.htm

https://www.alzstore.com/alzheimers-dementia-wandering-s/1828.htm

“Locator Services for Wandering Alzheimer's and Dementia Patients” Several companies offer (for a small monthly or annual fee) “medical alert systems” for dementia patients with or without GPS. The https://www.alzheimers.net/8-8-14-location-devices-dementia/ website offers a list of 10 Lifesaving Location Devices for Dementia Patients.

https://www.medicalert.org/safereturn “MedicAlert® + Alzheimer’s Association Safe Return®” offers “24/7 Wandering and Emergency Response Services for Individuals with Dementia” offers:  A personalized medical ID with the MedicAlert + Safe Return 24/7 toll-free number; 24/7 emergency response and family notification service (with ability to contact the people you designate to step in and help until you are able to care for your loved one again); Personal Emergency Health Record; Six Steps to a Safe Return magnet; Advance Directive Storage.

Until you are able to convince your Dad to move into Assisted living facility or a Memory Care facility, deterrents and/or locator devices might be helpful and decrease some of the stress and worry that you are feeling.  Talk to your local sheriff and police regarding which company they prefer and maybe set up a locator system for your Dad.  [FYI: One problem is that some people with dementia or Alzheimer's refuse to wear the locator device and you have to hide the device in their clothing or on their shoes.]

Good Luck with finding an option that works for your family.  I know how scary it is when a loved one gets lost.  My Grandmother would go walking in the corn fields around her farmstead and my Mom tried to wheel out the facility doors looking for my brother and myself. 
{{{HUGS}}}

My dad is 92. I am in the same boat but my dad has care that comes in for a few hours a day. I am told by everyone involved that he needs to be moved. I have guardianship and I can get a note from the doctor any time but he will not go. He already had a major meltdown when I tried to take his car keys about a year ago. Police, handcuffs, hospitalization. Don't want to go through that again. For now, we do the best we can. I have reached out to my attorney and all he could say is that these things usually take care of themselves after a fall, hospitalization, etc.

As you already have a good working relationship with the sheriff's office, and the people there are already familiar to and with your father, I think it is appropriate to seek their help; more so than it often would be. They know him as an individual and will be able to "personalise" their handling of the event.

It won't be like calling the cops on him. They will be able to use their authority to give him calm instructions that he will follow as a matter of course, without drama or excitement. Discuss the possibility with them and see if they're prepared to provide an escort.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Ask his doctor or the hospital for advice on whether you can get him hospitalized for being a danger to himself. Once at the hospital, they may be able to assign a social worker who can guide you through the process of getting your dad properly assessed and placed into a home. They can determine whether they feel he needs a secured ward so that he cannot wander. Ask if they will provide medical transport to a facility when the time comes.

What do you mean that you have no time left?

This is an alternative answer. If your Father happens to need medical attention (from a fall, or sickness), make sure he is in the hospital for 72 hours minimum...this is a requirement for Medicare because a social worker will be assigned to him and you can then smoothly place him into a rehabilitation facility or directly to the memory care facility. He will be taken by chartered ambulance. While in the hospital, they may have you sign for his medical decisions, you already have a POA. A durable power of attorney lists out specific things that you have the right to be his guardian / decider /finance etc.

I was told by a doctor that my dad needed memory care and it wasn't true. He needs assisted living but not memory care.

Have you had a second opinion? I would find a good geriatric doctor and get dad assessed by someone that does elderly care. You may find that lower level facility is actually needed or meds adjusted and in home health will be sufficient.

Unless he has been legally declared incompetent, you nor any one else can force him to do anything.

Sometimes we have to step back and let them fail in home before they are willing to do something different.

Your dad doesn’t have to go with you based on a POA.
Here is a great article on what you will need to override your dad’s rights.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/legally-force-move-to-assisted-living-155888.htm

I doubt the Sheriff would be of much help. Most law enforcement in the US doesn't like to participate in kidnappings.

It seems like we have posts like this everyday. People don't understand what a POA is. I think it's the word "power". People think it gives them power of the person who executed it. It doesn't. It gives someone the power to represent that person to others. It gives them no power over that person.

For the Sheriff to help you out, you would need guardianship. That gives you the authority to make decisions for your dad whether he likes it or not. It's a high hurdle though. The fact that he understands what a memory care facility is, knows he doesn't want to be there and has threaten a way to avoid it seems to speak to competency of that issue at least.

I think the best way is to convince him to go willingly. It might not be easy but in the end it might be the faster way compared to going to court to get guardianship. Having him go willingly might also prevent any escape attempts from the facility.