For me to justify having in-home caregivers, I must give my mom a reason why. When I do, she says I'm always coming over to her house and chewing her out. An example is she learned how to order food on Amazon. Her refrigerator is packed. She has some cognitive decline but a part of her recalls that you should order food for a well-balanced diet. She orders it and then she lets it rot. Along with this, she is ordering things that she shouldn't eat and that's what she gravitates to. When I opened her refrigerator yesterday, I noticed the smell of rotting food. I opened the veg-crispers, and they were full of moldy food. When I told her about it, she denied that anything was spoiled in her refrigerator. So, I told her to come and look at what I was referring to. Her response was like a child. She said, "NO, I'm not going to." Every time I go to her house it's something, some things more serious than others. But I would be doing her a disservice if I didn't do or say anything. So, I'm the bad guy I guess... which doesn't feel good when you are just trying to help.
This is "mom can no longer live alone safely".
Someone other than you needs to be the one telling her that. Like her doctor.
Make up a bulleted list of what you're observing. Take it to Mom's appointment with you and hand it to the nurse. Ask that the doctor read it before seeing mom.
Sit behind mom. If she answers untruthfully to the docs questions, shake your head in disagreement.
Let the doctor be the one who tells her she needs help at home or a facility.
Also, you can get a "needs assessment" through your local Area Agency on Aging.
I do not believe that a person with dementia should be living alone.
Anything could happen.
She could leave the stove on,
Leave water running
Put papers in the oven "to keep them safe" forget about them and turn the oven on.
She could decide to go for a walk in her nightgown at 2 am. No slippers, coat
She could get lost on her walk (anytime day or night)
The "nice man from the gas company" that comes to check her furnace could rob the place.
In theory you could place her shopping order so you know what is being ordered. And when it is delivered so you know how long it has been in the fridge.
The big question is what is mom eating when you are not tossing out moldy food? Is she eating properly? Is she eating spoiled food? Is she eating?
I think her dementia is more progressed than you believe it to be.
She should either have caregivers 24/7 or you should be looking at Memory Care facilities. The other option..one that most here would not recommend is her moving in with you or another family member or a family member moving in with her.
Do you or another family member have POA?
BarbBrooklyn is right. A doctor or other professional is going to have to deal with your mother about what she needs. Unfortunately she will not appreciate it coming from you. You should be document everything for her doctor and give it to them ahead of time. You should go to the appointment with her as well and sit behind her. I'd even go one step further and talk to her doctor on your own before her appointment.
So time to get your head out of the sand and decide now what can be done to keep mom safe.
And until you get all that figured out, I would suggest the next time you find moldy, rotting food in your moms fridge, just throw it away without having to prove it to your mom. or saying anything.
You have to remember that when one has dementia, "logic doesn't live here anymore" so trying to prove your point or reason with her is useless and futile.
I wish you well in either hiring full-time help(with moms money)to come look after her in her home, or finding the appropriate facility to move her to, as she certainly shouldn't be living by herself.
This is tough stuff. I think you already are recognizing what we are saying.
Whatever you say, and in whatever manner it is said, isn't going to "compute" anymore.
I am so sorry. I think you know what is coming soon.
but as Barb mentioned , she probably needs to also hear the message from others