Mom has told her she can use her credit card to buy herself some things for doing this job here and there. I don’t have a problem with this if it’s occasional and small things. They just bought a 100k boat. How do I find out if they used some of mom's money for that and if she’s abusing mom's credit card for personal use as well? Or am I just trusting God and giving worry over that she’s not given us any reporting at all and is hiding her personal use of the card. I have just restored our relationship to a safe level and we’re closer than ever. This could be a set back if she takes me asking her for some basic reporting defensively.
I would have told them if they were that interested in it, they were welcome to take on the responsibility for her care themselves.
As far as "if you're not guilty of anything, then you shouldn't get upset" - bugger that. It's an accusation of theft, pure and simple, and it reeks more of a child's sibling rivalry - or worse, concern over inheritance - than any concern over a parent's care.
I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your sister, and what sort of relationship you want to have in the future. But if one of my sisters hit me with this, once my mom had passed, so would that relationship. You trust me with the life of our mom, but not with her money? It would take a lot for me to cut my either of my sisters off completely - even the one with whom I have a less cordial relationship - but by golly, accusation of stealing mom's money would do it.
Think long and hard before you ask for an accounting is the only advice I'm going to give.
do again
Firstly, is your Mother suffering from dementia or loss of mental capacity and is this diagnosed? As what?
Is your Sister your Mother's POA, acting for her in a fiduciary capacity (which has very hard and fast legal responsibilities? Or is she simply a preferred sibling who a mentally capable Mom with a lot of money chooses to spoil.
If there is no chance that Mom will "run through " her money and need the assistance of medicaid in her future, that is to say she is self-insured for life, then there won't be any repercussions to her gifting. So the person or persons she showers money upon is her business, and none of your own. No matter WHO that person is.
You have no rights to know what your Mother does with her money, and if your sister is the Mother's POA she not only has no obligation to report to you how Mom spends her money, but has an obligation NOT to report Mom's private financial transactions.
However, if your Mom is incapacitated, and your sister is her conservator, guardian or POA and is enriching herself with your Mom's money, this is illegal and should be reported to authorities with what suspicions you have. If you have proof of nefarious activity go to both the police and APS. If you have only your own suspicion, and have discussed all this with your Sister (if you are able) then ask for APS to open an investigation. They DO have ways to examine financial statements and activities if you feel your mother is being stolen from because of her own mental incapacities.
So the answer goes one of two ways according to the realities of your Mom's mental condition and health, and your Sister's obligations, legally, to your Mother.
Good luck in tracking down the information you need to protect your Mom. I wish you the best.
If you are already her POA or one of them all the better because this discussion should be easier. If mom is no longer able to handle her own finances and your sister is POA, well not sure there is a way to handle this that won’t be confrontational.
It seems to me that questioning your sisters families ability to afford a board without using your mothers money is the epitome of confrontational and I wouldn’t blame her for being less than accepting of the question. Just because mom gave her the OK to use her credit card for various things doesn’t mean she asked or even needs it. When I went to help care for my dad and his wife they insisted on buying things for me, things I would have picked up for myself but because I was away from home caring for them it made them feel good to do for me. Maybe that’s all that’s going on. I don’t think I would question your sister if I were you unless you are in charge of moms finances and can see that your sister is taking advantage. Guessing is just that, guessing and can only get you in trouble, trouble that’s apt to negatively affect mom too.
you wrote:
"It seems to me that questioning your sister's family's ability to afford a boat without using your mother's money is the epitome of confrontational and I wouldn’t blame her for being less than accepting of the question."
my view on this, is simply ask, directly and nicely.
when someone is innocent, they have no problems answering nicely. they might say something like, "i bought the boat with my money. don't worry, i'm not doing anything strange/wrong with our mother's money. it is a bit hurtful that you thought i would do that, but don't worry. nothing bad is going on."
when someone is guilty, they tend to reply in a very aggressive way.
hug!!
if the sister alone has POA, she doesn't/shouldn't report about her mother's financial situation to the other sister, unless the mother gives permission.
regarding the specific purchase of the boat, since there are some doubts/suspicions...i would say, just ask directly.
:)
i will add that MIL has dementia but we have had this conversation prior to the dementia. MIL was adamant about not allowing daughter any information. Once dementia set in I felt I still didn’t feel right in betraying MIL request so I didn’t. SIL stated she doesn’t know what she is thinking and that dementia is keeping her from making rational decisions….funny how SIL used MIL dementia when she wanted information and other times state she is fine and knows what she is talking about. Crazy! Anyway….ask your mom her thoughts. In the end Once MIL was moved to be closer to us(states away) I did give a vague glimps of what MIL has by saying she has X amount of years to cover MC with the use of cash on hand, sale of her home.
Your mother might hopefully be able to call the issuer of the card with you in the room and ask pertinent questions. They would discuss that with her but not with you unless you have POA and have filed that with them. They might be able to ask your mother if she gives permission to discuss charges with you. That would be the simplest way unless you are concerned your mother might get upset finding out about charges she is not comfortable with. We have done this with my husband about our shared card as he pays my mother's bill.
You don't indicate your mother's state of mind unless I missed that. Obviously the more cognitive she is the better. If you succeed with this then I guess you both have to decide how to proceed if there are questionable charges. Stock issues would be dealt with a financial planner and again you might run into the same problem or not. If you can make these calls with both of you together that would be best. Your post just leaves me wondering why your sister has been put in charge of this rather than yourself.
If your sister is stealing mom's money via POA authority, she is breaking the law and can be prosecuted and jailed. Many states have strict, strong elder abuse laws and they are vigorously enforced.
You need to do something now, lest you be held accountable for not doing your POA duties.
Personally, I wouldn't worry about the future relationship with sister. Who wants a relationship with someone that would steal from an elderly parent? And put you at risk by doing so.
That said, I will mention that my sil accused us of stealing funds. My husband worked really hard for years, and made a good salary. But when mil moved in, the nutty sil went insanely jealous. She told everyone the little economy car we bought was some fancy $60,000 model. Etc, etc. unending etc. I guess i always sting with scepticism when someone accuses a sibling of that. Could be more to the story, but I'm truly hoping what happened to us is rare
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