We are homeschoolers, and my daughter attends a co-op twice a week. It ends in April, before a near 5-month break. My FIL experienced cardiac arrest in December and my husband has been going back and forth from our house to theirs (it's an 8 hour drive), helping as much as he is able. We disagree on whether or not I and the kids should go along often, as I am reluctant for my daughter to miss her co-op, when it will be finished so soon anyway (and then we can stay for a while without her missing anything). My husband feels unsupported by me about this, and it is creating tension and resentment in our marriage.
Furthermore, when I bring up the topic of discussing a retirement home for his parents, it is met with resistance and frustration. His parents do not view this as a positive thing and I am very afraid how much care they will expect from us (he is an only child) as their problems continue to get worse. My husband has floated them living with us, which I see as a very bad solution. My MIL has a challenging personality and I think this would have a very negative affect on our marriage.
I am becoming depressed about the state of our relationship, even more so when I consider how differently we see the long-term solutions for their care. I am trying very hard to be a supportive spouse; when my father-in-law first had cardiac arrest we stayed for 3 weeks at their house in the winter to try and help. I only left with the kids when my daughter's co-op was about to begin. My husband views the fact that we left as unsupportive and is upset about it.
Any advice in this situation is helpful. I am trying to care for my husband, oversee my daughter's education and keep her having experiences with classes and other kids given the fact that we homeschool. I am very hurt that he sees me as unsupportive and very fearful of how our relationship will progress as this is not likely to get easier any time soon.
Your husband may be in denial about his parents’ decline. You have the benefit of a little more distance and clarity. I feel for your husband’s being torn. And unlike some others, I don’t see it as a case of his not putting you and the children as his priority. He is operating in crisis mode. The parents are in crisis. He sees you and the children as being fine. (Obviously all speculation on my part. But this is how I feel he may see it.)
You, of course, prioritize your children, as you should—whether homeschooled or in public school. ( I don’t see how changing to public school will help your situation as another writer suggested. )
In the end, I think your husband has some boundary issues—bt his parents and himself and bt himself and you and the kids. (I suffer from the same “saviour/superhero” impulse your husband seems to. But in his case, his self-sacrifice also sacrifices his family.)
Can you make a plan with him for the next 3 months? Putting a deadline on things prevents you from slipping into an endless situation. At the end of the 3 months, sit as a family—all 4 of the adults —to discuss options. Know going in what you cannot accept.
I have just had my 94 yo mom with me for 6 months—2 while I lived with her as her personal caregiver in her ALF and 4 in my home while a health issue was resolved. It is very very hard. I have been home 2 days—a 12 hr drive from her place. (My brother lives locally.) I tell myself she cannot live with me again. Time will tell. But having spent time with her in her ALF, I can say she has a better life there, whether she believes that or not.
There are no easy solutions. And we cannot turn back the clock. But practically, if they will need longterm help, a move to an ALF —if their needs can be met there; ALF’s are not a solution for all cases—near you will relieve everyone’s stress.
Wishing you some peace in this tough time.
What is the financial situation of his parents? I know they don't like the idea of a facility, but could they afford it if they sold their house? Is your H their POA/HCPOA?
What happens when your H is not there? Are there in-home caregivers?
It certainly sounds as if YOU are to be the caregiver when D isn't able to be (because of his job?). It would be so convenient for this scenario if you and the kids were right there after April. What would happen then? Would you be left with the ils while he worked, helping as "as much as he is able"?
He really does seem to think that your entire family should be united in one main goal, which is to become his parents' caregivers.
Time to suggest marriage counseling.
Is he an only child?
However in my family, we’ve come to the conclusion that SIL’s approach to life (eg simply can’t understand Brexit) is because he left home for University at 16, then moved to London, then moved to Geneva, with high-paid international colleagues, and doesn’t know much about the ‘lower classes’.
You have a difficult situation here, and home schooling is adding to it. Would a couple of years in a state school help right now? At least think about it?
My guess is the answer is a lot. You took the burden of care off of him. He didn’t want the full burden of care, so he tried to make you feel guilty.
I hope I am wrong, but that my first impression.
Sorry, but you are doing the right thing by going back to your life. The ONLY way he will see how unsustainable this is if is you are not propping him/them up. You being the caregiver is not the solution. I think you are being used, maybe subconsciously, maybe not. But, the only way to stop it is to draw boundaries. If your DH is too overwhelmed to see the unfair burden he is putting on your family, then you will have to be strong.
As an aside, we cared for DH’s parents in our home. I also homeschooled our kids. We had the very best relationship you could imagine with his parents. They had funds. It was STILL awful. If they are too selfish to see this is a burden to your family, they will NOT magically be better about this if you care for them in your home or theirs.
Homeschooling is a huge commitment, and involves a whole set of joys and challenges that most people can’t wrap their heads around. It is ok to hold to that commitment. Your DH should be prioritizing it (and you and your child). If he can’t, you will have to. You can be kind, but firm. Our home is for our family. I will happily bring your parents dinner on occasion in their AL. I will listen to them and love them. I will not be their maid, chauffeur, bather, bathroom attendant, etc. Their life does not get to absorb ours.
Best wishes to you.
He needs to have a plan with them that you two have discussed and agreed to ensure you are balancing and even prioritizing the needs of your own children. His parents could need care for years, if not decades, and their need for care will only increase.
I think there are three solutions:
1. They stay where they are and either hire outside carers to support their needs. Your husband can then visit less frequently and be a son, and not a carer.
2. They move into a retirement community or assisted living, depending on the level of their needs.
3. They move closer to you, but still, live independently. I would not move them into your house, especially with young kids.
His parents do have options, your kids don't. They need their education and stability, not traveling 8 hours and staying away from home on a regular basis.
I think the replies already cover the issues well regarding your husband's responsibilities, priorities, family duty.
I think many have been in similar sensitive situations, trying to be the good adult child/in-law/spouse, being supportive to everyone. The million dollar question is when does *supportive* cross over into *enabling*?
From 'stepping in to help' to being so 'stepped into' his parent's lives, he steps out of his own...
It sounds like your DH means well & is very family orientated (which you knew & probably valued from the start). He jumped into the challenge of a family health crises very quickly. But is now knee deep & sinking.
His next challenge is to ACCEPT he is not Superman. Cannot FIX his parent's health. Cannot SAVE them from old age.
His parents have to start the process of changing their lives to meet their new needs.
If he stays as a One-Man-Show enabling his folks avoid change, leaving his own obligations to his own wife, job, children - he risks staying a One-Man show. Men have lost their wives & kids that way.
I would recommend a marriage councillor, so you both have a safe place to discuss your expectations, perceived obligations & priorities. Help your DH to move out of crises mode. Hopefully sidestep enabler & into an advocate for his folks instead.
Your FIL can't be too old. FIL should be feeling much better unless the attack did a lot of damage. Cannot MIL do things on her own. Its really her responsibility to care for ur FIL. If they have money, she can hire xtra help.
Does he view his parents' old-age care to be his primary responsibility?
There are certainly places in the world where that is true. In the U.S., in general, a husband and father sees his minor children and spouse as being his first obligation. Their well-being outweighs any perceived call that his parents have on his time and attention.
Is his thought that you should all relocate to the area where his parents live and bring up your children there? Or would he/you consider moving his parents closer to you (not into your home) into an apartment with caregivers?
The current situation is untenable and would have me questioning his commitment to the marriage.
It's hard for an only child (I am one also) to balance marriage & a home life with figuring out how to care for aging parents. I myself set down boundaries a long time ago about what I would & would not do for my aging parents; I would help them find senior housing but I would NOT have them come live with me or I with them; that was not an option for many reasons. I too had a challenging mother, so us cohabitating again would NOT work; I knew that, and that's why I made the decisions I did. So in 2011, when my dad had 3 fender benders back to back and couldn't drive anymore, I had to move them from FL to CO to be near me so I could help them. I found senior IL housing for them, moved them in, and did everything in my power to help them for the next 10.5 years. I managed their entire lives FOR them for that time, which was no small feat, but I did not move them in with me.
You moved in with the in laws (ILs) for 3 weeks when your FIL had cardiac arrest. Yet your DH found it 'unsupportive' when you moved back out with the children to resume your normal lives. I find HIM to be unsupportive & also unrealistic with HIS expectations of HIS immediate family to care for his elderly parents, frankly. They can do either of two things here: they can move into Assisted Living together where they will get help with their ongoing care needs in response to their chronic health issues (I read your profile), which is the most realistic of all the solutions imo. AL can be close to you for ease & convenience; their house can be sold to finance their care in AL. Or 2, they can hire in home caregivers to come every day to supply the care FIL needs so your DH does not have to make 8 hour drives and disrupt YOUR family life. Realistically, why should your children's lives be uprooted and filled with caregiving when the matter is easily remedied by hiring help? You can all go down there again when the children are finished with school to 'try it out' and to show DH you're supportive, but what is HE going to do to show HIS support for YOUR immediate family?? That's my question.
Your husband's loyalty needs to be for his wife & children first; then comes the parents. That's not to say he should abandon them, of course not. But he needs to understand there ARE other alternatives than him driving 8 hours and dragging the family along to provide care for his folks! Most elders' wishes are to 'age in place' which is all fine and well until it infringes upon OTHERS to make that dream a reality. When 'aging in place' means it costs YOU your marriage and your children's childhoods, then how is that not selfish of the ILs? They have to be more realistic and realize that Assisted Living is not some house of horrors but a nice hotel-like campus where seniors socialize and do activities together AND get the care they need from a staff of people devoted to that cause!
My folks went from Independent Living for 3 years into Assisted Living after dad fell and broke his hip; his care needs exceeded what my mother could give him in IL so they segued into AL where mom stayed after dad died. And let me tell you, the women there gathered around her after he died and swept her up, bringing her back into the dining room & into the activities & into LIFE again! Had it not been for those women, who knows how she'd have fared as a widow? She went from AL into Memory Care in 2019 with advanced dementia where she lived for almost 3 years and passed away last month, again surrounded by friends and caregivers who loved her a lot. We were able to visit her and she also got great care; it was a win-win for all of us.
It's time to talk to DH & let him know that there are 6 people involved here, all who matter; not just his elderly folks. You and his children matter too, and have a voice in your future together. Decisions have to be arrived at together, and calling you 'unsupportive' isn't going to cut it, sorry.
Good luck!
He can help and support his parents by getting them the help that they need.
He can arrange caregivers.
He should also respect your views and opinions as to what the next steps are for his parents.
This means you need to have a very difficult discussion with him.
What are the "what if's"
Are you ready to have his parents move in? If not what are your options?
Why will he not consider Assisted Living for his parents?