So my husband was in a nursing home and they allowed him to acquire a bone infection. The next nursing home had an outbreak of Covid and didn’t protect him let alone treat him at all. It’s been bad he fell out of bed and I wasn’t notified. I'd visit and he would be significantly worse so I’d mention it but no one would listen. To make a very long story short one day he was moved to the dementia/psychiatric ward and he really rapidly declined to the point that I was called and told he was being transferred to the hospital. Immediately I knew this had to be bad because they NEVER contacted me before. Then the hospital called me and asked me to come right away because they weren’t sure he’d make it thru the night and so off I went. I met the doctor who spent a total of maybe 5 minutes with me. I explained to her that I have mental health issues enough so that I’m on disability from the government. I collect SSD. That this was really hard for me. She foo fooed me in a placating manner and I sat watching my husband twitch and groan and not know I was there at all or if he did he know I brought zero comfort. Let me insert here that I am terrified to a phobic level of death. I didn’t even go to my own mothers funeral because it would have been too hard on me. So I stayed with my husband for 3.5ish hours. Getting home around 1-1:30am and fell into bed about an hour later. I woke up at 5:30am - nightmares and was up until 7 but then the neighbors dog started barking and freakin out my dogs at 9:30. Now I call the office at my apartment complex because this has been a recurring issue, and then the hospital calls and wants me back ASAP. I don’t think I can!!! I feel badly but my husband and I spoke about this years ago when mom passed that he didn’t want me to put myself thru any undo torture but I feel terrible not being there too. My sister is giving me crap saying I NEED to do this. I’m afraid HIS sister won’t understand. I KNOW the hospital won’t either. What on earth do I do? What do I say to get them to understand we knew this was how it should play out? How do I handle losing my best friend and watching him go thru what I can only describe as torture onto him? I don’t have a very strong faith component in my belief system so that’s just scaring me even more. I feel like I’m losing it, I’m gonna tip right off the edge of sanity!! HELP! Sorry this was so long as marbled but it’s how my mind is working.
You could have him transferred to the Hospice In Patient Unit.
There will be staff with him and Volunteers that will be with him as well.
One of the things that Hospice will try to do is have someone with him 24/7 while Actively Dying the idea being is no one dies alone. So you do not have to be there, or if you are you will not be by yourself.
The "hospital" - I assume you mean the people who are taking care of your husband - has/have seen just about everything, including people who don't want to be there when their loved ones die. It happens all the time. If you really can't, then you really can't.
My friend couldn't face her 35-year-old daughter's death from cancer. She asked her husband, the daughter's stepfather, to be with her instead. My friend sat outside the door while her husband held her daughter's hand at the time of passing. People understood. I understand. I've lost a child (suddenly through an accident), and although the geographical circumstances kept me from being there, I'm not sure I would have wanted to be in the room (he never regained consciousness after the accident) when he drew his last breath. So do it your way. And don't explain to anyone. This is your choice to make, and anyone who judges you isn't worth your attention. Maybe ever.
If you wish, you could ask your sister and sister-in-law to be with your husband when it's his time. Or, if you decide to be with him, ask them to stay there with you.
My sympathies on your impending loss, and I wish you peace. So sorry.
Is husband on hospice? They might be a source of great comfort to you both.
(((Hugs))).
See if his sister or someone else can go if you cannot bring yourself to do this.
My condolences on your impending loss.
Please do whatever you feel most comfortable with. I struggled with these feelings too. I’m not at all comfortable being around someone who is dying. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care.
It has absolutely nothing to do with whether you care about someone or not. They already know that you care.
I am happy for people who wish to be with a person and they are able to make this happen. Sometimes, people are not able to be by someone’s bedside due to one reason or another. That doesn’t mean that they are ‘less than’ anyone else.
I have spoken to social workers in hospice about this and they say that a person should do what they need to do for themselves.
i don’t know, I find more people will wait for their loved ones to leave the room so they can pass over.. it happened a lot..
yiu and DH have discussed this, that’s all that matters.
Prayers are with you.
Thoughts with you this a.m. on Thanksgiving, Katie.
Last I read your updates you were waiting for the phone to ring.
I am thankful for the support you have received from nurses you mention.
My experience of the dying, as an RN, was that they separate from even the most beloved of their own, and the ancient expression "He turned his face to the wall" comes of family's recognition that they choose and are busy with this passage, and leave the love of family to enter it.
I found this to be so, with some few mustering last moment to say goodbye, but more waiting for family to leave the room.
I do not fear dying because of all I learned watching the dying. I DO fear pain. I don't fear going, and think it is the last huge adventure of our lives.
Know that the thoughts of more than a few on the Forum are with you throughout this day. You say that you currently have no mental health support because of late you have been "in a good place". With your history, your fear of abandonment, your diagnosis, you are going to need support. Please reach out for it.
The only link I can find for a National Mental Health Hotline is this:
National Mental Health Hotline | 866-903-3787
They have a .org website as well if you look them up online.
I hope, if others have any resource ideas for Katie that they will post.
Hang in there, Katie. I am glad you have the support of the beloved Pets of you both, just hoping they are helping your burden more than adding to it.
Again, our thoughts are with you. Thank you for your responsiveness to us.
I hope you will update us.
I suggest you read this book when you are able:
Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey Into The Afterlife, by Dr. Eben Alexander
It's a powerful book you can get on Amazon. Once you overcome some of your fear of death, life becomes a whole lot more enjoyable.
All the best.
Not a new one, IS a short one, and one of the best books I have read.
C. S. Lewis A Grief Observed. He lost his wife. He was a believer (unlike me) and was briefly even angry with god, allowed himself that, returned eventually to his faith.
It is full of common sense to me.
My condolences out to you.
Please hug those pups, take good care of yourself, get the support you need.
I hope you will return to AC to update us on how you are doing.
I will leave this posting now, wishing you strength, peace and good support.
I'm proud of you for going and staying with him in at the end. I hope you are proud of yourself too because you should be. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be there.
Now you can grieve and get on with your own life in your own good time and with no regrets because you did what was right and decent by your ex-husband when he needed you.
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