How do you cope with anger and resentment towards a sibling who doesn't help with caregiving?

SadBigSister

Robert Frost, the great American poet, wrote a poem about the road not taken and though in the beginning he considered the other path, he felt the one he took “had made all the difference”. I’m sure you know the poem. It might help a bit to revisit.

Either your task with father fills you up, increases your well being, or it leaves you depleted. That’s one quick way of knowing if you are on the right path FOR YOU. And sometimes, we do tire quickly when we are doing a job that is filled with Emotional Overload. Know that none of this is about finding fault. It is about taking personal responsibility for our own choices.

It seems you’re about done with hands on. Perhaps you needed on some level at one point to do everything yourself.
But now that you are really resentful, angry, judgmental, dismissive, it is past time to stop and choose again how to accomplish this huge task you have set for yourself and DH. You are currently filling yourself with toxic energy, inflammation and all things negative.

Turns out we aren’t meant to choose another’s path. Our paths are One to the customer. Unique.

And as RFrost said, “way leads to way”. So while we can’t create detours in others lives, we can choose again for ourselves all day long on what comes next snd how we respond to what shows up in our daily life.

You followed your path to the point to where you now need to choose another. My advice on action steps.
Hire Help.
Visit the attorney.
Learn how to submit an invoice to father for the expenses you have incurred and will incur that bears scrutiny and to avoid any future issues.
Father's estate pays for the attorney. If the attorney feels your POA doesn’t allow you to charge for your services, then hire it all out as has been suggested.
Get that sorted this week.
(I personally would not involve sister in any of this. Too triggering for you. Get the best legal advice and then move on).

In short, REFRAME your expectations of anyone’s personal involvement other than your own. Take action to right the course you chose. Honor yourself and DH at all times. That is your focus. Then dad and then way down the line you can revisit how you feel about your sister.

It truly isn’t necessary to lose a sister over divergent paths. It’s a choice, just like the others you have made. We all know that the choices we have made led us to where we are today. Yes, even these choices. The first step is to own it.

Then choose what your next steps are free of that extra weight of resentment.

Your decision to come on Agingcare to view your situation (as presented) and receive feedback is a great start to reframing.

We are here to support you. Many of us have been there to one degree or another.
And like most really simple things, it is very hard. We know that. We aren’t dismissing your reality.

So, how do you cope with anger and resentment, etc…let it go.

It doesn’t belong to you. It is not on your path….a rouge wind or tornado or hurricane may dump it all there on occasion. Just repeat the steps you uncover that work for you over and over if need be until you get your equilibrium back. Be at peace or be headed in that direction every moment.

Here are a couple of links that might help.


1. Posted on a migraine blog but really good info on emotional overload.

https://blog.cefaly.com/dealing-with-emotional-overload/#:~:text=Emotional%20overload%20is%20the%20feeling,to%20think%20and%20act%20rationally.

2. The poem.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44272/the-road-not-taken

You don't cope with them. You'll never get over it. And that's the truth.

I've experienced this sort of thing myself. The problem is that we expect others to want to pitch in. They never intended to, and by having unrealistic expectations, we doom ourselves to feeling hurt.

And when you think of it, why should any of us have to shoulder such a burden? My parents had houses, offices, a boat, many attics and garages full of junk that they hadn't thrown away for 70 years! It was so daunting that all I wanted to do was sit down and cry when I saw what needed to be done. So much stuff! Why didn't they take more responsibility while they still could? Who did they think would clean up after them? And during the time of their dying, which took over 5 years for the two of them, I was managing their business (also a mess) and their care at home.

Takeaways: We should all get rid of our own unneeded belongings long before we become a burden. We should not make our children responsible for our health care, should not move in with them, should get our own affairs in order while we can. We shouldn't expect relatives to help with the care of our parents, and that will save us a lot of tears.

Also, you don't have to do it either. Stop doing so much for dad, and he may grow up and find a good life for himself in AL. Hire a firm that does contractors' cleanouts. They'll get the job done at your dad's in about a day and haul everything off to where you want it to go. It's well worth the money, which isn't a lot anyway.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but if you're going to blame people, blame your parents for creating the problem in the first place.

Idk how to get over the anger and resentment. My brother stood by and did nothing while I cared for my mother since Covid, and throughout her almost 7 months in hospice. Then he went abroad when she passed while my husband and I and some helpful friends and family filled 2 30 yard dumpsters.

Now he has moved in to mom's house, is paying nothing. My lawyer says I can't make him sign a lease or charge him rent because he is half owner of the house according to the will.

Now he is angry at US because we continue to come in and clean things out, often with help from friends and volunteers. He will do nothing, and feels that he is being stolen from, even though I have given him the unearned courtesy of letting him know what I am getting rid of and asking if he wants it first.

He said he didn't want much of anything when first asked, but now that he is living there he wants everything he sets eyes on, because we did the hard work of removing everything that was actual trash. The best and only advice I can give you is NEVER let your sister move in. Although I didn't LET my brother move in. He just did it while I wasn't around.

Alva is right, anger an resentment eat us from the inside out. I chose to care for my mom, and I would do it agian. I need to get to a place of acceptance, because I can't control others.

I also agree with Fawnby, I asked my mother many times who she expected to clean out her hoard after she died. By the time she was about 70, it was totally overwhelming, and she couldn't physically have done it even if she wanted to. People my age (late 50's) need to clean out our own houses while we still can.

You’re not the first to be left on your own with caregiving and/or cleaning out a home. Many of us have been there. My siblings did the same. Choosing to be resentful, angry bitter over it has zero effect on others and totally messes us up, it’s the same as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Let it go. Accept that your sister has chosen minimal involvement and let it go, it will eventually make you feel better, for acceptance is a gift you give yourself. Realize your parents created the mess, not your sister. If you’re not up to the clean out, hire it done with dad’s money. I wish you acceptance and peace

My life improved by leaps and bounds when I stopped having expectations of others. I was wasting a lot of energy being disappointed. Harboring resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. Let it go.

Anger and resentment does no one any good and it eats us from the inside out.

There is no way to "get paid" when your parents have passed.
The will is going to be whatever the will stipulates.
If you are POA (I am guessing you would be as your sister isn't really involved) you cannot enrich yourself by paying yourself. You are responsible for every penny in and out of your parent's funds if you are POA and it would be considered gifting.
However you CAN HIRE IT DONE. Why would you not do this? It would save your back and your time and get the job correctly done.

Now on to your sister. Really she doesn't care to participate in caregiving. As she is not visiting overmuch I think that she may not be overly fond of your parents. That's her choice and I am certain she has her reasons. Few people are purposely evil and neglectful. Most have reasons.

I also am one who would not take on caregiving. It's fair to have an opinion about me; our feelings and our judgements are ours. But it isn't fair to try to change me.

I am hoping, if there is any money here, that your parents have long recognized who is doing the work here and has made a will that takes that into account.
If they have not then there is nothing to do about that and I will warn you that it is often the "prodigal son" if you will, who is the favorite. The one who does the care moves from being a son or a daughter to being a bossy caregiver that no one much likes. Goes with the job.

Life isn't fair. I was taught that at a very early age by my parents. It's very random and what happens happens and our choices have consequences but not always the ones we thought would be a result.

You can't change others. I would remove as much of the burden as you are able to from your own and husband's shoulders. I would hire help and your parents funds are to pay for that. And I would allow my sister to make her own choices as there really is no choice to do otherwise. You don't have to love it, or love HER. Blood connection is a pure accident. Our friends are our choices.

Best out to you. I am sorry you didn't luck out on a connection with a sis who would see it your way and be a support. But sounds like you have one very loving husband, and that's great.

My brother had the excuse that "Dad's already gone. This is just the body he lived in." With pressure he showed up when Dad died. Dad was hanging on just for that. Repeat no-shows for Mom, but I didn't ask him to come when Mom was dying. Total no-show to clear out either apartment (Mom moved after Dad died.) All as expected. We know our siblings. Why do we expect otherwise?

You can't change other people. You can change your expectations. You can change your reactions. I am proud of all I did for our parents. I do not have any guilt for things I should have done differently. The stress I gave them as a kid was made up many times over with the love and consideration I gave them when they needed it.

Taking care of our aging parents is hard work and they often make it harder. You might feel like a martyr. Try to let that go. Hire people to do as much as possible. Remind yourself that your are a good, loving daughter. Focus on that. Don't drive yourself crazy. Just get the job done and know you are stronger and better than your sister.

Good Afternoon,

Join the Club honey...you are not alone my friend.

This is not unusual but unfortunately quite common. My parents were the one's who cared for everyone.

Fast forward today I find myself caring for my mother. I, too, an unwell but I always have my hair done and lipstick on so I don't appear sick on the outside.

The expression, "there is always one" is all too common. You can only control what you can control. I am in the exact same position. You should see my brother's passport from the countries he has visited, while I on the other hand
go to the gas station, doctor's and drugstore drive-thru.

I believe in your mother's old age show her your appreciation. Do not abandon me when I am old and cast me aside. It's hard but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing.

However, pay your bills on time, keep your medical appointments, buy some flowers for yourself...no one else can do this for you. I know it's hard to accept when others won't assist, especially in my case where my siblings and I had a fabulous childhood. But don't get stuck there. It's like a broken record after a while.

This forum will be good for you. It has helped me. Sometimes we agree on things and other times we agree to disagree but I always learn something on this site.

Every Friday, my day off, is beauty day! I look forward to it each and every week. It keeps me going. Find little things that mean a lot. It's different for everyone but it makes a difference.

As mentioned, many people have gone through this alone. In my situation, I eventually disowned my brother, wasn't worth my energy. He would offer to help me and bailed a few times. He even went as far as telling me that my mother would've been disappointed in me because I didn't put her 14yrs younger sister in her obituary! (she was given 5k (moms money)to come see Mom, fromTexas to MN, 8 months later she came for 3 days) He told me that the day before her funeral and I just bit my lip knowing I didn't want to ruin her celebration of life. I was all alone with everything! I arranged the service and it was what she wanted. We planned early on about the color of flowers and food for after the service.
The house, right where you are now,OVERWHELMING, you're doing the same thing I did, donations is beautiful!! Take it slowly and don't forget to breathe.
Brother only cared about her will and wanting his share! There's a legal issue that I had to wait 30 days before distribution of her funds and I needed to hold on to some till taxes were done. She did owe almost 7K and I finished the distribution and I'm done with him!
I think what hurts the most is we expect family to be there and when they're not it's sickening!!! Who are these people? Don't they have any concerns about all the things they did for us growing up? What makes them think that their life is more important than mine? I was very resentful and now that I don't have to deal with him, I'm good! Put the sister to the curb with the donations. Remember that you're going through enough and it's draining your energy, energy you'll need later.

There are children caretakers and then there are children 'takers'. They will not help out in any way, but will expect equal share when it comes to taking. You can't fix those people or change them. If dad's will (and mom's) left equal shares in spite of the fact that you do the work for them, there's very little you can do.

It's hard to ignore or put aside the resentment, but you really have no other option. As one of my relatives told me, it was my 'choice' to take care of my parent when that parent could no longer do so alone. And that part is true. I did the best I could for the parent 24/7 with little help. My heart is good with my decision.