How do you cope with anger and resentment towards a sibling who doesn't help with caregiving?

You don't cope with them. You'll never get over it. And that's the truth.

I've experienced this sort of thing myself. The problem is that we expect others to want to pitch in. They never intended to, and by having unrealistic expectations, we doom ourselves to feeling hurt.

And when you think of it, why should any of us have to shoulder such a burden? My parents had houses, offices, a boat, many attics and garages full of junk that they hadn't thrown away for 70 years! It was so daunting that all I wanted to do was sit down and cry when I saw what needed to be done. So much stuff! Why didn't they take more responsibility while they still could? Who did they think would clean up after them? And during the time of their dying, which took over 5 years for the two of them, I was managing their business (also a mess) and their care at home.

Takeaways: We should all get rid of our own unneeded belongings long before we become a burden. We should not make our children responsible for our health care, should not move in with them, should get our own affairs in order while we can. We shouldn't expect relatives to help with the care of our parents, and that will save us a lot of tears.

Also, you don't have to do it either. Stop doing so much for dad, and he may grow up and find a good life for himself in AL. Hire a firm that does contractors' cleanouts. They'll get the job done at your dad's in about a day and haul everything off to where you want it to go. It's well worth the money, which isn't a lot anyway.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but if you're going to blame people, blame your parents for creating the problem in the first place.

Anger and resentment does no one any good and it eats us from the inside out.

There is no way to "get paid" when your parents have passed.
The will is going to be whatever the will stipulates.
If you are POA (I am guessing you would be as your sister isn't really involved) you cannot enrich yourself by paying yourself. You are responsible for every penny in and out of your parent's funds if you are POA and it would be considered gifting.
However you CAN HIRE IT DONE. Why would you not do this? It would save your back and your time and get the job correctly done.

Now on to your sister. Really she doesn't care to participate in caregiving. As she is not visiting overmuch I think that she may not be overly fond of your parents. That's her choice and I am certain she has her reasons. Few people are purposely evil and neglectful. Most have reasons.

I also am one who would not take on caregiving. It's fair to have an opinion about me; our feelings and our judgements are ours. But it isn't fair to try to change me.

I am hoping, if there is any money here, that your parents have long recognized who is doing the work here and has made a will that takes that into account.
If they have not then there is nothing to do about that and I will warn you that it is often the "prodigal son" if you will, who is the favorite. The one who does the care moves from being a son or a daughter to being a bossy caregiver that no one much likes. Goes with the job.

Life isn't fair. I was taught that at a very early age by my parents. It's very random and what happens happens and our choices have consequences but not always the ones we thought would be a result.

You can't change others. I would remove as much of the burden as you are able to from your own and husband's shoulders. I would hire help and your parents funds are to pay for that. And I would allow my sister to make her own choices as there really is no choice to do otherwise. You don't have to love it, or love HER. Blood connection is a pure accident. Our friends are our choices.

Best out to you. I am sorry you didn't luck out on a connection with a sis who would see it your way and be a support. But sounds like you have one very loving husband, and that's great.

If your father has the funds, I would hire a company to do the downsizing, this way there's a 3rd party being paid for the effort and won't appear as "enriching" yourselves. It's a win-win.

Resentment towards an uninvolved or apathetic sibling is a very common theme on this forum. BUT, no one can be "assumed" into caring or caregiving. You had an expectation however, "an expectation is a premeditated resentment".

I would hire out as much of the downsizing, estate sale, moving effort as possible and have it come out of his assets, if he can cover it. You know your sister will probably become *very interested* and involved once there is expectation of an inheritance. Make sure to keep very detailed records and accounting to head off any problems, suspicions or accusations.

All you can do is CYA and keep emailing or texting her, giving her notifications that you are in the process of doing (X) and she needs to come review the items by (X) date. If she can't make that date, you will move forward with (X). Then you have written proof that she had a choice in it. Whether she was on vacation or not, is not your problem. This way she can never say, "I didn't know".

Idk how to get over the anger and resentment. My brother stood by and did nothing while I cared for my mother since Covid, and throughout her almost 7 months in hospice. Then he went abroad when she passed while my husband and I and some helpful friends and family filled 2 30 yard dumpsters.

Now he has moved in to mom's house, is paying nothing. My lawyer says I can't make him sign a lease or charge him rent because he is half owner of the house according to the will.

Now he is angry at US because we continue to come in and clean things out, often with help from friends and volunteers. He will do nothing, and feels that he is being stolen from, even though I have given him the unearned courtesy of letting him know what I am getting rid of and asking if he wants it first.

He said he didn't want much of anything when first asked, but now that he is living there he wants everything he sets eyes on, because we did the hard work of removing everything that was actual trash. The best and only advice I can give you is NEVER let your sister move in. Although I didn't LET my brother move in. He just did it while I wasn't around.

Alva is right, anger an resentment eat us from the inside out. I chose to care for my mom, and I would do it agian. I need to get to a place of acceptance, because I can't control others.

I also agree with Fawnby, I asked my mother many times who she expected to clean out her hoard after she died. By the time she was about 70, it was totally overwhelming, and she couldn't physically have done it even if she wanted to. People my age (late 50's) need to clean out our own houses while we still can.

I’m sorry. I understand how you feel. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. But to the best of our ability, we just need to let it go. It cannot be helped or changed or possibly even explained. I have mentioned here before that there is a letter writing exercise in Men are From Mars….wherein you write a letter to the person who has hurt you (you don’t send it), then write yourself the letter you wish they would send you. TBH, I’m still too busy drinking from my cup of rage to have tried it yet, but I’m told it’s very helpful in these circumstances (for people further along the maturity spectrum than I). I do meditate, and that helps a lot, it trains my mind to not dwell so much. I am sorry and I hope you are able to make some peace with the situation.

SadBigSister

Robert Frost, the great American poet, wrote a poem about the road not taken and though in the beginning he considered the other path, he felt the one he took “had made all the difference”. I’m sure you know the poem. It might help a bit to revisit.

Either your task with father fills you up, increases your well being, or it leaves you depleted. That’s one quick way of knowing if you are on the right path FOR YOU. And sometimes, we do tire quickly when we are doing a job that is filled with Emotional Overload. Know that none of this is about finding fault. It is about taking personal responsibility for our own choices.

It seems you’re about done with hands on. Perhaps you needed on some level at one point to do everything yourself.
But now that you are really resentful, angry, judgmental, dismissive, it is past time to stop and choose again how to accomplish this huge task you have set for yourself and DH. You are currently filling yourself with toxic energy, inflammation and all things negative.

Turns out we aren’t meant to choose another’s path. Our paths are One to the customer. Unique.

And as RFrost said, “way leads to way”. So while we can’t create detours in others lives, we can choose again for ourselves all day long on what comes next snd how we respond to what shows up in our daily life.

You followed your path to the point to where you now need to choose another. My advice on action steps.
Hire Help.
Visit the attorney.
Learn how to submit an invoice to father for the expenses you have incurred and will incur that bears scrutiny and to avoid any future issues.
Father's estate pays for the attorney. If the attorney feels your POA doesn’t allow you to charge for your services, then hire it all out as has been suggested.
Get that sorted this week.
(I personally would not involve sister in any of this. Too triggering for you. Get the best legal advice and then move on).

In short, REFRAME your expectations of anyone’s personal involvement other than your own. Take action to right the course you chose. Honor yourself and DH at all times. That is your focus. Then dad and then way down the line you can revisit how you feel about your sister.

It truly isn’t necessary to lose a sister over divergent paths. It’s a choice, just like the others you have made. We all know that the choices we have made led us to where we are today. Yes, even these choices. The first step is to own it.

Then choose what your next steps are free of that extra weight of resentment.

Your decision to come on Agingcare to view your situation (as presented) and receive feedback is a great start to reframing.

We are here to support you. Many of us have been there to one degree or another.
And like most really simple things, it is very hard. We know that. We aren’t dismissing your reality.

So, how do you cope with anger and resentment, etc…let it go.

It doesn’t belong to you. It is not on your path….a rouge wind or tornado or hurricane may dump it all there on occasion. Just repeat the steps you uncover that work for you over and over if need be until you get your equilibrium back. Be at peace or be headed in that direction every moment.

Here are a couple of links that might help.


1. Posted on a migraine blog but really good info on emotional overload.

https://blog.cefaly.com/dealing-with-emotional-overload/#:~:text=Emotional%20overload%20is%20the%20feeling,to%20think%20and%20act%20rationally.

2. The poem.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44272/the-road-not-taken

My sister disappeared from being any form of help, over a year ago.

I was angry for a while.

Even more so when she would call mom and upset her about her problems

Honestly I am over it , been for a while. My first step was to erase her number from my phone, so I had no way to contact her , in case my anger got the best of me and I didn't want to mean text her. Honestly I wanted the anger gone. It wasn't help me or anyone. It is what it is, and it has been actually easier in the sence that I new what I had to do and just did it, instead of hoping maybe this time she will do a doctor's appointment for me.

Honestly I just let it all go because I new I needed to , for me, not for her.

This is her choice not mine, she gets to choose, we all do.

Would I trust her , absolutely not. To me she is a snake in the grass, I will watch her and keep my distance but I won't befriend her

I'm very much at peace with it , for my mental health.

Accept that your sibling will not help. Get your help from those who are willing and able to. Maybe get one of those folks in who by everything - and cart it off - for their thrift stores. You get some money and help in cleaning out the accumulation. After selling the home, take a well-deserved vacation.

I’m one of five . I did 95% of the work for both my parents for over a decade . Including clearing out the house .

It’s very common that one does most of the work and the others are “ too busy “.

Accept it . It’s not worth getting your blood pressure up . Luckily you have a supportive husband to help .

And yes unfortunately caregiving does ruin relationships between siblings sometimes . My family seemed to forget how much time I spent caring for my parents and were critical at the same time . They weren’t involved until I told them I had to place my parents in facilities ( at separate times ) then they thought I should wait and keep doing what I was doing . And I had waited too long already .

If your sister is not being critical then take that as a win . She can choose to not do anything . If it’s too much , hire a company to clean out the house .

My mother had a lot of figurine collections , many other knickknacks , a lot of clothes shoes handbags , gowns etc . I called an auction company for the furniture , large heavy pieces .

I’m not a collector of anything in particular , never was. It’s not fair that these people don’t clean out their houses sooner . I myself am cleaning out now at 59, reducing significantly before I turn 60..

You’re not the first to be left on your own with caregiving and/or cleaning out a home. Many of us have been there. My siblings did the same. Choosing to be resentful, angry bitter over it has zero effect on others and totally messes us up, it’s the same as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Let it go. Accept that your sister has chosen minimal involvement and let it go, it will eventually make you feel better, for acceptance is a gift you give yourself. Realize your parents created the mess, not your sister. If you’re not up to the clean out, hire it done with dad’s money. I wish you acceptance and peace

I gave up on trying to figure out why my sibling turned in the towel when my father got seriously Ill and I had to take over. I couldn't understand how or why since she was his favorite child. I was resentful for a long time. Then I realized that it wasn't something my sibling was equipped to deal with. She lacks certain capabilities including patience and therefore I needed to take over.
We have to recognize pls limitations and move on as best as we can.

It takes Practice when the feelings come around. You gotta take a deep breath and sit down. Or exercise or something. But after a while it won't bother you. Everybody who has astranged relatives can testify to that. For whatever cause the separation you don't need it probably even if it was you.

I am so sorry you are going through all this along! My thoughts and prayers are with you! I am the youngest of four daughters. I was the only one who took care of my Mom until she passed in 2022. My Dad started going downhill after that so I am his caregiver now. My 3 older sisters only do these things: my oldest sister does nothing, my next to the oldest sister comes up once a month for 3 to 4 hours to work on bills, and finally my older sister whom my parents gave her an half of an acre is suppose to mow and keep the yard up. She doesn’t do a good job at all! None of them come visit day. None of them call him to see how he is going. None of them send cards. Not to forget they NEVER call my and check on Dad or check on me. I have a lot of critical health issues. I too get so angry about their lack of help, and inquiring as to how Dad is doing. I stopped this year volunteering information to them about either of us. I felt if they wanted to know they could text or call me. I told myself I would stop helping them as well. However, I backed tracked a couple steps so far this year with sister asking for a ride and bringing her home and visa versa. Mom was the glue for our family, so now that she is gone I guess they don’t care about Dad which makes me so angry with them. I pray about it every night to release this angry I have been been hard on it since it only effects my health, and not theirs. I hope you can come to peace with your anger, but like I said it’s a long process for me.

My brother had the excuse that "Dad's already gone. This is just the body he lived in." With pressure he showed up when Dad died. Dad was hanging on just for that. Repeat no-shows for Mom, but I didn't ask him to come when Mom was dying. Total no-show to clear out either apartment (Mom moved after Dad died.) All as expected. We know our siblings. Why do we expect otherwise?

You can't change other people. You can change your expectations. You can change your reactions. I am proud of all I did for our parents. I do not have any guilt for things I should have done differently. The stress I gave them as a kid was made up many times over with the love and consideration I gave them when they needed it.

Taking care of our aging parents is hard work and they often make it harder. You might feel like a martyr. Try to let that go. Hire people to do as much as possible. Remind yourself that your are a good, loving daughter. Focus on that. Don't drive yourself crazy. Just get the job done and know you are stronger and better than your sister.

As mentioned, many people have gone through this alone. In my situation, I eventually disowned my brother, wasn't worth my energy. He would offer to help me and bailed a few times. He even went as far as telling me that my mother would've been disappointed in me because I didn't put her 14yrs younger sister in her obituary! (she was given 5k (moms money)to come see Mom, fromTexas to MN, 8 months later she came for 3 days) He told me that the day before her funeral and I just bit my lip knowing I didn't want to ruin her celebration of life. I was all alone with everything! I arranged the service and it was what she wanted. We planned early on about the color of flowers and food for after the service.
The house, right where you are now,OVERWHELMING, you're doing the same thing I did, donations is beautiful!! Take it slowly and don't forget to breathe.
Brother only cared about her will and wanting his share! There's a legal issue that I had to wait 30 days before distribution of her funds and I needed to hold on to some till taxes were done. She did owe almost 7K and I finished the distribution and I'm done with him!
I think what hurts the most is we expect family to be there and when they're not it's sickening!!! Who are these people? Don't they have any concerns about all the things they did for us growing up? What makes them think that their life is more important than mine? I was very resentful and now that I don't have to deal with him, I'm good! Put the sister to the curb with the donations. Remember that you're going through enough and it's draining your energy, energy you'll need later.

There are children caretakers and then there are children 'takers'. They will not help out in any way, but will expect equal share when it comes to taking. You can't fix those people or change them. If dad's will (and mom's) left equal shares in spite of the fact that you do the work for them, there's very little you can do.

It's hard to ignore or put aside the resentment, but you really have no other option. As one of my relatives told me, it was my 'choice' to take care of my parent when that parent could no longer do so alone. And that part is true. I did the best I could for the parent 24/7 with little help. My heart is good with my decision.

I think most of us can relate to the resentment.

You're not going to get paid. Instead, hire help with father's money - clean out help, sorting help, hauling help - there are companies that specialize in this ie: 'Smooth Transitions.' Get a great realtor to sell the house.

Talk to an attorney to see if there's any thing else that needs sorting with his estate while he's still able to think clearly.

The universe appreciates the work you and your husband have done, make efforts to make it as easy as possible on yourself because your parents left you a mess. Sending love.

It doesn’t matter if you’re an only child or have a bunch of siblings in a family. Most of the time it’s one child who is the caregiver.

You can’t force your siblings to help you and even if you could, would you really want to?

Would you want someone caring for you that didn’t want to be there? I wouldn’t.

Don’t be overly concerned about how your siblings choose to live their lives. Yes, it hurts when siblings don’t care about what you are going through.

Life stinks at times. In my experience, sooner or later everything eventually comes out in the wash.

Can you honestly say that you know everything that your siblings are going through? They may have problems of their own that they don’t want to share with you.

Or they could simply be rotten people who don’t give a crap about your suffering. Either way, what are you accomplishing by being disturbed by their actions or lack of action?

Sure, it feels good to get things off your chest, so go ahead and vent. All of us have vented on this forum.

Then, make a plan to hire a reliable professional who will actually be productive in helping you with your needs.

Wishing you all the best.

Good Afternoon,

Join the Club honey...you are not alone my friend.

This is not unusual but unfortunately quite common. My parents were the one's who cared for everyone.

Fast forward today I find myself caring for my mother. I, too, an unwell but I always have my hair done and lipstick on so I don't appear sick on the outside.

The expression, "there is always one" is all too common. You can only control what you can control. I am in the exact same position. You should see my brother's passport from the countries he has visited, while I on the other hand
go to the gas station, doctor's and drugstore drive-thru.

I believe in your mother's old age show her your appreciation. Do not abandon me when I am old and cast me aside. It's hard but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing.

However, pay your bills on time, keep your medical appointments, buy some flowers for yourself...no one else can do this for you. I know it's hard to accept when others won't assist, especially in my case where my siblings and I had a fabulous childhood. But don't get stuck there. It's like a broken record after a while.

This forum will be good for you. It has helped me. Sometimes we agree on things and other times we agree to disagree but I always learn something on this site.

Every Friday, my day off, is beauty day! I look forward to it each and every week. It keeps me going. Find little things that mean a lot. It's different for everyone but it makes a difference.

This is all about choices.
We weren't forced to be caregivers: we chose to be. Our siblings, who are living their own lives did not choose to be caregivers.

We could choose to stop being caregivers, but it would probably go against our natures. Just as how becoming a caregiver would go against some of our siblings' natures.

There's no point in railing against the fact we each chose this path for ourselves, just as there's no point in being resentful that our siblings chose a different path.

Instead, make some bold decisions. And take a step back.

If your father is downsizing, then there is probably money to pay for a house clearance company to do all this work.

Don't waste your time and energy doing a job that is making you unhappy, when others with no emotional attachment could be doing it for your dad, instead.

Go in and take out sentimental items you want to keep, then let the company take care of the rest.

Then be your dad's daughter, not his unpaid worker.

Who, if anyone is POA for dad?
You can be paid for the time and expense that you put in in caring for him. This includes running him to dr appointments, going shopping for things he needs. Actually anything.

What you need to do is TRY to forget your sister and her husband. What they do or don't do for dad is on them (on her). Will she regret not spending time with him when he dies? Who knows, again that is on her.
If you are POA for dad one of the things that you should discuss are funeral arrangements. If you are in agreement, great. If she has no time to discuss this then make whatever arrangements that you think dad would want.
Use dad's funds to pre pay so that that is taken care of. And payments can be spread out over a period of time.
As to all the "treasures" give her a deadline and say that this has to be done by....and if she wants to help or if she has anything to say about items she needs to step up. If she has no interest then do what you have to do to.

This is on her,
You need to let it go.
You can't "make" her care, contribute, visit, call.
The anger and resentment that you have, that you feel has NO impact on her, it does not effect her at all. You are letting her live rent free in your heart and head. Evict her.

6 years. My sister did not visit, call or send Mom cards for 6 years. My sister also jetted off to Chile to ski and to Iceland several times.

I have no regrets.

Pay someone to help clear out Mom's house. We had a Haitian American former caregiver haul off 6 SUV loads packed of things.

Your sister has made her choice. She does not want to feel obligated to do all of the things you are doing.
Why are you taking on so much responsibility? You wonder if you could be paid for all this extra work after he passes. If Dad has the funds, use them to hire a professional crew to clean up and prepare his house for sale.
You and your father would be better served by spending your time simply visiting and being a daughter. If you are choosing to do all this extra work because, as you say, you are happy to help, then you have made it your choice.
Do not resent your sister for not choosing to do the same.
You more likely resent her selfishness, or what you see as selfish choices.
You can't control what other people do, you can only control what you do.
Let it go for your own peace of mind. Anger and resentment will fester if you let them, and only hurt you more.

Don't hold anyone else; your sister, her husband, even your husband, to your expectations. It's not fair to them, and you will be left disappointed.

Sell the house, get paid for it. It is hard work.
And take the best possible trip to Europe or anywhere else

I don’t get the issue here. Hire some company to clear the house of the junk (using dad’s money) and be done with it. He’s in assisted living. You shouldn’t need to be so hands on.

SadBigSister: Although I could have been angry when I had to live with my mother to provide care out of state and then clean out her house after she'd succumbed to a stroke, I didn't let myself 'go there.' I was one exhausted AND elderly woman with no time for acrimony. And yes, I do have one male sibling.

My life improved by leaps and bounds when I stopped having expectations of others. I was wasting a lot of energy being disappointed. Harboring resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. Let it go.

I think I get it. You'd like some thanks.

So THANK YOU. Thank you for stepping up, being there, being the practical, useful, caring, do-er.
Give yourself a giant pat on the back.

Then maybe take a big cardboard box out to your yard & kick it hard. Beat it up. Let the rage out.

Your family are lucky to have your skills, but you are not without limits so outsource everything you can. Find services & arrange payment for whatever Dad needs. (It's FOR Dad so funded BY Dad).

A wise midwife once told me, "Family is grand, but you need a village". Sure that was about raising children, but also applies for elders I think.

Widen your view past your sibling & find other, more practical hands to help you. You have this.

We’re all going through similar situations and yes, it’s hard not to be bitter or resentful. In due time, they will get the same treatment in their last years.

So many are saying, let it go and move on. So easy, right? You love your dad, and are the only one doing anything for him, and you have a well-off sister oblivious to the toll it takes on you while she happily moves on with her own life. Moving on is easy to say, but resentment creeps in when we least expect it, even in the most loving of families. It is not unusual, and it is human. It is not a sin to feel the toll of being the only child who cares enough to take care of a parent. I hope your dad realizes just how much you care for him and is grateful for all the time, effort and money you have given for his sake. Sometimes even our once-wise parents in their old age do not see their world anymore for what it is and do not accept it. They may take it out on the one person who actually loves and cares for them. In this day and age, we have people we can talk to in helping us have some peace with all of "this" - and "this" can be overwhelming. Don't be afraid to ask for the help. And don't be afraid to go to a professional to see about financial situations, too. Perhaps, this would get the sister and family more "involved". If the sister does get more involved, then she might want more say about the situation, too. I wish you and your family and dad well, and hope the situation becomes more manageable. From my experience, time and routine and no expectations have helped. I love my sibling, but I think I knew that the burden of caring for my folks would have always been mine. I am blessed with a husband and family of my own that have been wonderful. I truly think that in time, your burden will ease and hope that the resentment that is only too human to feel will ease, too.