My sister and her husband have been very selfish when it comes to helping with my elderly widowed father after our mother's death. There are always excuses why they can't help which is infuriating because they seem to have time and money to do what they want - vacations to Europe, home remodels, dinners with friends, concerts. They do not visit my Dad either saying they don't have the time or money and they hate the place where he resides. The worst is that there is no concern for all the time and effort my husband and I have been doing to help my Dad transition to assisted living. It's been hard for him. Sending him a card once in a while and a random phone call is about all that is done. Now my husband and I are trying to clean up his affairs and get his home ready to sell. This is not a job for the faint of heart as my mother was not a hoarder but she saved everything (old worn towels and linens, sentimental things such as birthday cards from our first birthdays, photographs through the ages). My father quite literally had a hardware store supply of tools, nuts and bolts along with old paints and toxic chemicals in the garage along with two old TVs that need to be taken to a recycling center. While we are happy to help my Dad get things sorted out and selling the house will help finance his stay in assisted living or a nursing home, we are tired. We are donating anything worthwhile to Habitat for Humanity or other charities so that is helpful. A friend has mentioned that we should get paid for all the hours we spend cleaning things out for the donation pick up when my Dad passes. Does that seem mercenary? I would not even consider it if my sister had even offered to help. (BTW, we are both retired and she could stay at my father's house during the clean/up clear/out.) How do you cope with the feelings of resentment when you know your sister is off on vacation in Europe and you are cleaning out old attics and basements with years of accumulated "treasures?" Its hard and I hate feeling this way but I know I will never feel loving towards her again given her selfishness.
Hello, I can complete relate not sure if you're going to see this or even read it, but I'm sending a reply because I can relate to your heartache, anger, sadness, disappointment, let down! major let down feeling.
My whole back story is on the profile oldageisnotfun, as it seems it's impossible to contact any administrators for agingcare to help with support to get that profile back online. So you can read my back story on that profile if interested.
I've found that the people on this site are supportive and given good advice for my situation, but it's only the one's that have lived through similar situations, "like with most problems in life" that really get it.
Firstly I would say you're a little bit lucky in that you only have those feelings again one sibling. Multiply that by 6 for me, 6 people I have the same kind of resentment feelings about, all for different issues with each of them as individuals, but also because since my father passed away, they really have not lifted a finder to help support my mother, only one sibling that has done more than the rest of them, but even that one is more interested in their own independence, socializing, going places.
What really gets me is people immediately think, oh that's jealousy. It's not! It's about equal responsibility, it's not written that my parents would have 6 children and only one would take have the sense to understand, parents raise you, in most case love you unconditionally, provide for you, etc. then where there time comes all siblings should see it this way and take equal responsibility.
You say how do you cope, we'll I would say support from your partner, in my case no partner, no one, so no one to let steam off either, no one to listen, except write on this platform but everyone knows it's not the same as personal human comfort, someone to be there with you like a rock! you don't get that on computer based platforms of any type. People do say comforting things I do not deny this, but not one is living through your life, they say it and move on. So people do need that rock in their life and I'm so glad you have your husband, that's big! someone to share your thoughts, provide comfort through touch.
How do you cope? I guess various people have various ways of handling it. One thing I know is, after all my determination to explain, many arguments, to the one sibling to take on more responsibility; they have nothing else going on with their life over the last five years, no job, no partner, no children, yet still never made the commitment to change, do more, take an "equal" share of the responsibility. I've given up.
My other siblings are similar to your sibling, come for special occasions, live their live, send the cards and occasional phone calls, of only 5-10min after not calling for weeks on end. In addition asking my mother, is she's getting help from me, am I doing things ok, asking on the phone if she's ok. What they don't see on the phone is how she struggles with everything, but still when she's on the phone with them she say "I'm ok", so it doesn't even phase them they have not done their part during her struggles with health and pain, but when she's "god forbid" bed bound or worse they'll all be here, with their pretentious act, Do you need anything? can I do anything for you?
My silblings have been giving me s*!?1 while I've have been looking after my mother all this time, so for it hasn't simply been they're not doing anything to help. You could say mine is double anger, they haven't done anything to help my mother since my father passed away, plus there's one to one issues with all of them, for wrongs they've done to me.
see part 2... if you can bear any more....
I would say for the anger, if I had that rock in my life, that loving partner. I would maybe let the anger go and focus on living a beautiful life with that partner and children if you have any and forget that sibling.
Keep those treasures to yourself if your sibling is not interested, take comfort in those treasures and hopefully wonderful memories.
I do not have such a rock in my life and have to face this things alone, and try and get some kind of supportive help via this forum, entertain my and humor myself. Anyone suggesting psychologists, counsellors, etc it's not for me, because they're obviously still detached from your real situation, even though they're trying to help. Only a loving partner or loving friends that are totally with you 100% "like a rock" make a difference in this world.
People have learned to forgive people for drunk driving and killing loved ones
There is power in forgiving
The person that holds the power is the one that benefits the most
But forgiving doesn't mean you want them in your life
It only means you want the anger out of your heart, because that anger only hurts you.
It's like holding onto a hot rock.
Who is that hot rock hurting them NO you!
When you are angry with someone, that gives them the POWER. You give them to much power with anger. Forgive, let go and you have the POWER
Instead, this did not happen, and you are left to wonder who the hell they are, and who you are. It can feel like you’ve lost the rest of your family, too.
You’re dealing with loss. Don’t listen to people here who are flip and telling you to just “hire a junk hauler and sell the house.” A house is more than a commodity. Everyone who has been through this should know it usually takes at least a year to clear clutter, memories and feelings, arrange sales and giveaways, and then yes finally the haulers and realtors. It’s the flyaway siblings who have that self-indulgent quick fix life path, why follow them? (
(Oh, and “sell everything and take the best European vacation” - no, go where YOU want to go. European vacations are where you just wind up shuffling around crowded tourist sites surrounded by the hordes of non helping siblings who are living the prescribed “good life” LOL who wants to be around that?)
I have had good times with mom, and my sister will forever miss out on those good times. That is her loss!!!
I really is none of your business why your sister does not want to visit your father. That is on her. But you will have to figure out how much interaction you want with your sister when this chapter of your life is over.
I would talk to your father about being financially compensated for liquidating everything and inform your sister that you are being compensated for the time and effort of handling this. Maybe she won't like that you are receiving this money and will be more participatory in the process.
Good luck to you.