I am the only sibling in my family. I take care of my father who is on borrowed time as it is. My mother (who I actually hate to even call her that) is so extremely jealous of the care I give my Father and the love I have towards him. She also is very very Narcissistic to the point that it makes you hate to be around anywhere near her. My Question is how to I keep my sanity? I do have a psychiatrist that I just started seeing. My Mother is extremely mentally abusive to me. What are the guidelines for her to be so mentally abusive that I actualy good do something about it? THank you in advance for any help given!
But my darling Dad would have ended up in a nursing home
I learmed to just tune her out and focus on my goal was to make dad as happy and comfortable his last year.
Being a caregiver is hard enough and dealing with a self centered N. Is something else.I am blessed the days I spent with dad and I refused to let her take that away
Hang on to the good.Which in my life was the love of my father
I will pray for you
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Only you can allow/ prevent someone from treating you poorly. You deserve better.
Good job on recognizing what she is, Cleo0467; that it has a name. (I just thought mine had a right to be angry even if it was all the time oh please... years later she's still full of it) In hindsight, knowing that I'm one of SO many would have helped.
Forums like this one, and ones like narcissisticmother.com would have helped greatly. Youtube videos on the topic - amazing at how many informative videos are there.. I've found the "best" are from ones who are living it, and reading the comments under the videos have helped me since.
They all seem to have the same traits, these mothers (and others) and learning how others have handled it seems to help.
One thing I've read over and over again is that the only thing they respond positively to is flattery; strategize to work that in your favour.
Another thing I've read and learned over and over and over again is that they hate to be challenged, so some say don't bother.
I agree you don't deserve any of this behaviour especially from someone who should only be loving and supporting you, especially at this time and circumstance, one would think.
Good on counselling - from what I've read not all get the n thing as much as one would hope, and that if you feel they don't get it, then find another.
Meditation and prayer do help, too.
I don't mean to be assumptive, but you said the n word, and provided many examples of traits of one. Its a deep well, but it can be dealt with. I just wish I knew then what I knew now.
Bless you for being so good to your Dad, and I know you've been good to your Mom too-- but I bet its never good enough...
After all is said and done, you will carry the good memories of the love you showed for your Dad and that I can say with full confidence, is something that you will always gratefully cherish.
Wishing you the best!
For my own peace I am trying to look deeply to find the two people who, like myself and all of us, are very imperfect, and to seek in my own heart some compassion for them in their last years. Not easy peasy!
I live with a mother who can be abusive. She is very self-centered and there is no way to get her to see beyond herself. I no longer try to get her to have empathy toward me or others. I know it is not something she is capable of. What I do for myself is remind myself that it is not me, it is her. I give her wide berth, which is a shame because I live in her house. To keep my sanity I just do the things I need to do. I treat her with respect, but I don't try to make a mother out of her. I hope that makes sense.
Is it a happy existence? No, it's miserable and I don't deserve it. But it is something that needs to be done. It can be hard to imagine sometimes that I can even be related to my family members. Sometimes I feel like the rock in the midst of a flock of fluttering sea gulls.
Lisa, it sounds like your mother may have full-fledged borderline personality disorder. There are some good sites about BPD on the internet. It may help you to understand if you read about it and watch some of the videos that have people with the different categories of BPD. The disorder is devastating on children and I feel the devastation you are going through with your mother. I can also tell your mother is dependent and needs to have someone take care of every aspect of her life. Sometimes all we can do is pull our emotions back and do the things that need to be done. It helps a lot to think of yourself as a professional, just doing your job. A professional can show respect, but doesn't have to get sucked into the emotion. You are doing the best you can, Lisa. I wouldn't depend on any support from your mother at all. You have my sympathy.
Along with me, she treated my father like dirt. he got a puppy and wanted it to sleep in the bed ... my father said no dogs in the bed so she took herself and the pup into the spare room. For thr last 12 years of my father's life he slept alone and went everywhere alone. Any supposed misdemkeanour was met with niot speaking to him for weeks, merely slapping his food plate on the table and storming off.
After a lifetime of jumping to fulfill her needs, wants and whims (which were never good enough his heart gave out. Just before he died he came to my house, said "Your mother will never be happy with anything" and hugged me - first time he'd ever done so ( scared of her I suppose ... we were both terrified of her)
She screamed down the phone every day for years and sent the cops if I didn't answer, even while in the NH. Changed my phone number, made sure she didn't have my address, blacked out driving my truck at 85 and had a nervous breakdown, hid in the house for months.
She passed away in a NH last week, thank the lord. It's a challenge to deal with her stuff but I'm getting there. Having sold my home and quit my career to care for her in her home for four horrendous years and continuing to give her everything in the 3 years she was in a NH, I have no regrets.
I see things more clearly now. My mother's father was a narc (grandma was planning to divorce him in her 80s), her brother (who she never spoke to since I was a child) was a narc as well and Mommie Dearest was the narc from hell.
Frankly I choose to believe that she was mentally unstable her whole life and, in that fought, I can forgive and get on with my life.
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