How do you cope with losing just about all of your family to death? I've lost almost all of my family, and have changed. Anyone else?

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How do you cope with losing just about all of your family to death? I've lost almost all of my family, and have changed. Anyone else?

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I've lost most of my family over a period of a few years, one after the other, including my parents, grandparents, my sister's only two children (which were very close to me) several aunts, uncles, my only two brothers, and even several friends.......my 52 year old brother just died a few months ago in the ICU and I was never even told by the hospital how he actually died. He had an alcohol problem, and all I do know is that he was conscious and aware in the ICU one minute, and then gone the next.
8 months prior to that, our mom passed away from cancer. I stayed home at her house with her so she could get hospice care, but at home rather than dying in a hospice unit, potentially surrounded by strangers (that's not to say that the hospice people are not complete angels, because they are) I couldn't have done it without their help and real compassion.
I did hold my mom's hand as she took her last breath that July early morning around 2 am, and feel like I did make it to the most important engagement of my life (to be there for my mom when she passed away, and not let her pass away alone) and I'm extremely thankful that I got to do that. However, life for me truly changes at that very moment, and has stayed the same ever since. I remember looking up at the sunny sky that morning after mom was taken out of the house, and even the sky looked different. The trees, the roads I've traveled for many years, all just looked different.
I've never felt so alone, and could never have imagined this is how life would be at the age of 47.
I still function like a normal person, but feel different inside, and it's kind of a numbing feeling, mixed with sadness and regret. Why am I writing all of this? Perhaps others have experienced similar situations, and hearing it from other people may help just knowing that, yes, you will feel different. You may always feel this way. You'll still be able to move on. But most importantly, I feel like I should tell my story in the hopes that someone out there that isn't making time for their loved ones will read my words, and understand that it could all change in an instant leaving you alone in this world, just wishing you had one last chance to tell your mom you love her, or take your dad out to that car show he used to enjoy going to in his younger years...............

Depression End of Life Grief Mental Health

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I lost all of my immediate family with the exception of one older sister and a brother who is about twelve years older than me. I just came across this post even though it is three years old. I feel so alone today. I lost my older brother in February. I lost my younger sister in 2015, my dad in 2014 right after Thanksgiving, and my husband in 2016, a few days after Thanksgiving. So holidays are hard. I'm going to put up a tree even if it is one from the dollar store.

Grief doesn't end. It is just a matter of managing it. Some days are harder than others especially Sundays when I would hear from everybody. I would say that it get easier with time, but who am I fooling.

I scrolled down and saw that I posted before. I'm leaving this up anyway.

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Reply to Scampie1

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It’s crazy how Google brings you where God wants you to be. These answers are all the things I feel. My grandfather is currently in the hospital dying from Covid … the same way my mom died 3 years ago. But he’s in Italy. I won’t be with him as he passes just as I wasn’t able to be with her. So as passes, the last of my heritage and memories die with him. I have no one left now. His passing is so much more than him leaving me. It’s the complete ending of my life and dismantling of my family. Those memories and that heritage level with him. My kids and my husband don’t have those stories and those moments. The things I couldn’t remember, my grandpa did. Now it’s over.

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Reply to xmaswish44

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Maybe you can share your stories and memories with your husband and kids? It won't be the same, but you can relive your heritage and memories with them.

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I read your blog on what happened to you and it seems we have an almost identical problem with some different variables.
Please send me a hello email and I'd like to open up a dialogue about this matter. Take care.

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Reply to Hawkeye8

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I too feel this way. I wish I could offer some advice, but I suppose I have come here looking for some myself. I was the last of 4 children. My parents were slightly older than parents of kids my age. Both my parents had children from previous marriages, much older than myself, I was the only one born from them both. They both passed away within 5 months of each other when I was 30... 3 years ago. So out of all my siblings, I was the only one to lose both my biological parents. My last remaining grandparent passed away previously, that same year. My siblings have all fought over estates and gone separate ways. I have one remaining brother that I'm in contact with, who is 11 years older than me. Because of the age gaps, I grew up almost feeling like an only child. Although it's not his fault, the age gap has always created a distance between us. We struggle to connect and talk and it makes it very difficult when that is your only remaining family member. I will never speak to my 2 other siblings again. Unfortunately, they revelled in my mums death, and I will never be able to forgive them for being so opportunistic and cold following her death (who was not their biological mother and for which their mum is still alive). I understand people behave out of character during grief, but some things are unforgivable.
It's the first time in my life I've ever really felt loneliness. And I just don't know if this feeling will ever stop. 3 years later, I'm not sure what I'm doing, other than just floating through life. Someone in the comments said you will never be the same, and I whole heartedly feel that. It's terribly sad to say, it is comforting in knowing there are other people in the world who understand and feel the same.

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Reply to SophMatt

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I too feel this way. I wish I could offer some advice, but I suppose I have come here looking for some. I was the last of 4 children. My parents were slightly older than kids my ages parents. Both my parents had children from previous marriages, much older than myself, I was the only one born from them both. They both passed away within 5 months of each other when I was 30... 3 years ago. So out of all my siblings, I was the only one to lose both my biological parents. My last remaining grandparent passed away previously, that same year. My siblings have all fought over estates and gone separate ways. I have one remaining brother that I'm in contact with, who is 11 years older than me. I grew up almost feeling like an only child. Although it's not his fault, the age gap has always created a distance between us. We struggle to connect and talk and it makes it very difficult when that is your only remaining family member. I will never speak to my 2 other siblings again. Unfortunately, they revelled in my mums death, and I will never be able to forgive them for being so opportunistic and cold following her death (who was not their biological mother and which their mum still lives). I understand people behave out of character during grief, but some things are unforgivable.
It's the first time in my life I've ever really felt loneliness. And I just don't know if this feeling will ever stop. Someone in the comments said you will never be the same, and I whole heartedly feel that. It's terribly sad to say, it is comforting in knowing there are other people in the world who understand and feel the same.

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Reply to SophMatt

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Admin. Could we not have this shut down for posting to.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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This post is 3 years old

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Reply to MACinCT

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I wonder why AgingCare doesn’t close down these old posts.

Perhaps, they feel like the topics are timeless or there may simply be too many questions to keep up with.

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I lost my mother at 2 years old, she was 39 and left behind 7 boys and 3 girls my baby brother died at 6 months old I do not remember that. My brother committed suicide when he was 30. I was 19 my father died when I was 25. Since then I have lost a brother in 2000 he was 40 I lost my oldest brother in 2016 he was 70 I also lost another brother in 2021 he was 74. My best friends die in 2013 along with my pretty kitty. I’m only in my 50’s. I feel life pounded my brain and my heart. I am never happy. It’s terrible. I’m always so sad.

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Reply to Hearthurts

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So sorry for all your loss. So much in one lifetime ❤️

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Thanks for sharing your experience with grief. It's almost unfathomable to be left alone after every sibling and parents depart in death.
I've also lost my three sisters and mom in a short span of nine years. It's rather daunting knowing that they aren't here to communicate with them anymore.
We can only truly grieve because we love - that love is carried on beyond the grave

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Reply to Saavon1015

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I was just sitting here feeling extremely sad and numb. I lost my favorite sibling, my oldest brother two months ago. I was barely functioning and have been working horrible cases with clients that have all types of problems. I hadn't worked since December 2023, so financially, I've been under a big strain. I've had all types of heart palpitations, weakness, sore muscles and gut wrenching anxiety. My favorite uncle died a day before my brother's funeral service. Everyone in my immediate family is just about gone. My mother pre-deceased my younger sister, dad, brother, my uncle; so, it is just my middle brother who is suffering from prostate cancer, and my oldest sister who is in a nursing home suffering from cognition problems. She lost her oldest son to cancer last year, and now our brother. I don't think its dementia, but grief. She tried to be strong, but she has suffered so many losses.

I've taken a couple of days off from work this week because my emotions are raw right now. I don't feel like dealing with clients, and needed time to mourn the deaths of my brother and uncle. However, the sadness is for my entire family and all of our losses.

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Reply to Scampie1

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So sorry 😞 scrampie

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I’ve l lost my parents, my two sisters and my only brother, last year. I feel so alone .

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Reply to Beejills

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I have lost my parents, my two sisters, my brother last year. I’m the sole survivor and feel so alone

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Reply to Beejills

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My dear, you are grieving. You have had a lot of overwhelming losses and you are sad. It’s ok to feel sad and empty and irs good you are acknowledging how you feel.

Please take care of yourself and hydrate. Grief and dehydration go hand in hand.

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Reply to Southernwaver

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Oh and my guess for your bother is heart attack or stroke. My brother has an alcohol problem and that is how I expect him to go out.

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I'm so sorry, I have a friend that lost her husband and 3 weeks later her dad, this holiday season, I have no clue how to help her, I just check in on her , I just want to say thank you for sharing your story, and that there are others in your shoes. Remember to take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you

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Reply to Anxietynacy

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I lost my mom to cancer and just lost my dad to dementia and heart disease. I can’t imagine how you feel. I’m so sorry. You are certainly not alone. 🤗

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Reply to Momzindl

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Hi ihave lost my beautiful mum and brother in the last 2 years….so I know what you’re going through, it’s the worst, just look for bereavement councillors but sue Ryder we’re awful…I missed one and they cancelled it all…because we got mixed up times .
but it’s a struggle and it may not get easier for while, mines been 16 months and today was my worst day! ? Strange I know. But true.
just take day at a time.

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Reply to Obywon

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I lost my brother years ago, and my father recently, only have my mom left she's 89 and in good physical health. Always has been a difficult complicated person - narcissistic - there are so many emotions for me in there. Once she is gone I will have no one. I am single and thankful that I have a good base of friends and some cousins but I have such mixed emotions about what happens after and how difficult she still is. She still takes up so much real estate in my head and I don't know how to change that I am 67 she could last another ten years and the relationship and it's always heavy for me. On one side I am thankful that physically things are ok but there is always a pervasive heaviness around her and it wears on me so much. She was diligent, extremely hard working and sacrificed for my brother and me (and no, she didn't harp on that)- but I think she was always somewhat depressed -- and looking back, seemed outright antagonistic to happiness in others or herself. And very suspicious of people's motives. It took years to see how draining that was and still is. She is however still my mother and the only family I have left so there will be a big hole.

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Reply to Cascia

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Thanks for sharing your story.
I also have very little family left and I feel like an adult orphan. Life still goes on I still have my beautiful wife of 35 years but most of her family has passed as well.
If something happens to my wife that would be the end of me she is the strongest person I know and I would be lost without her.
I’m turning 60 this year and life has gone by in a flash. All I care about is leaving something behind for my children and grandchildren so that is the only thing that keeps me going.
God Bless and take it a day at a time
Tom M. Florida

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Reply to Tjm135thomas

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I posted this below in response to a person who had responded here- but I'm posting also in response to the OP...

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Nearly the identical situation with my mom. Only child, never married, father passed in 2010. Mom was in decent enough health until diabetes took a toll. She had controlled it for years but at 81 it started causing more issues, a toe amputation, a wheelchair which took her mobility (she had bad knees too) so while the wheelchair wasn't meant for long term, just for her foot to heal, she felt safe in it and stayed in it. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (mild) about a year before that. So with the toe amputation, her bad knees and residual weakness from the heart issue, I lost her quickly. All in just a few months. I have a couple of decent friends where I live now and a few good friends in Denver- where we had lived most of our lives. A few of my mom's relatives in Missouri have been very good at talking me through this and being genuinely caring. I am thinking about moving out there to be closer to them. Thats a huge life change for me, but probably necessary. Don't give up, it WILL get better. You will adapt. I am, but it's a slow process. Been nearly a year for me and I'm in the EXACT same boat as you. My mom was my world. Well meaning friends have said, 'You should've moved out and built your own life'. My response to them-

I could've moved out and done that- but what happens if my husband were to pass away or if I had had kids or one kid, what if they had passed away too? I'm alone again. Then are people going to tell me that I still should've built my own life?? What will people say then?

People are silly and don't think things through they say. Nothing wrong with a parent or sibling being a huge and best part of your life.

You will move forward and learn to live again.

Living with and loving a dear parent for decades, when they pass it's like being widowed.

It will take longer to heal. Live each day and don't be hard on yourself. It's contrite, but your mom would not want you living that way. Life is not a prison sentence. This is rough road in your life, but it will smooth out again. You will see. Go to a therapist or a group. If you are a church person, griefshare.org has free grief groups in your local area that may help.

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Reply to MarchGirlSue

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I am now 51, I lost my mom in 2021 when I was 49. I'm an only child my father passed in 2005, I now have no family left. These past 2 years have been by far the toughest times of my entire life. Every day is like living through a Twilight Zone episode that you just want to wake up from, and waking up from the strange dreams I have now only to enter an even more bizarre reality just feels hopeless. Like there's no escape. I'm back now in her house which is also my childhood home, we moved here when I was 2. I don't know if this was the right choice. It's the last real thing here as a connection to my past once this is gone it's like I had no past or any history. Yet it is torture in a way being back here and it's just an empty house now. Makes it virtually impossible to move forward though I have no idea what that is or how it can be done. The emptiness and loneliness is overwhelming. And you don't come across people that can have any concept of what you're going through. All of which just adds to the sense of isolation and being completely alone and alienated. As someone said here you go about your day and see familiar surroundings, do the same mundane tasks yet nothing feels the same or as they should. Every day I wake up and the storm clouds come in and it's just like you're waiting out a prison sentence getting every day "over with". My mom was my foundation, my stability/the ground under my feet. My father was my great friend when sober but had a bad alcohol problem and they divorced when I was 18. My mom was always the one stable person I could always rely on my entire life. She always took care of herself and had more energy than I do. You worry as the years go on but she never had anything major beyond some osteoporosis which my grandmother had. Then in December 2020 she had a bad stroke. She didn't pick up the phone so I raced to the house knowing something was horribly wrong and she was in the hallway. Conscious, I had no idea what happened I thought she broke a hip. I got her into bed and against her wishes called 911 where they discovered she had a bad stroke. This was still the end of Covid so I couldn't go with her to the hospital or visit her there or the month she was in a nursing home which was awful. All she wanted was to come home, finally Medicare wouldn't pay out anymore so they released her home and I had to hire a 24 hour aide who was terrible and costing $340 a day. She could still talk and converse but her mind was scattered. Seeing her that quickly go from the person she was to bed ridden and incontinent was devastating. When they told her she would never walk again that was where I think she willed herself to go she only lasted 3 weeks at home and had to go back to the hospital where she went into septic shock and passed. The whole thing transpired in 3 months and poof she was gone. We had nothing sorted oungly depressing having no idea what happens now. I'm glad I'm not all alone on this topic,

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Reply to Donald1972

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I know you posted months ago, but I just wanted to reach out & see how you're doing. Your post really touched me. I lost most of my family too. Since 2015 my mom, dad, Godaughter Brooke, and recently, both of my younger brother and my older brother have passed. I was very close with both of my brothers so it's been tough. I do have an older sister but she's 5 hrs away and she refuses to drive anywhere out of her city. I visit her when I can. Plus, since she lost her daughter, my Godaughter, she's kind of gone off the rails mentally, so its hard to even have a normal conversation with her. I can't say I blame her for losing her mind considering Brooke was her only child. Anyway, I hope you came to some kind of resolve for yourself. Your story was so touching and you sound like a nice person. I really hope things have improved for you.

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There are many good suggestions and kind words here. I would like to add that your description of the sky looking different struck me as a post traumatic symptom. Yes you are grieving but there are obvious brain changes which leave you so isolated from the world even while in the world. It’s as if you were hit by a car and get up and act normally but are no longer really normal and no one who hasn’t been there can understand. You speak from a place outside. So please, please ,see a competent psychotherapist, agree to antidepressant medication, join a grief group and understand that this all takes time. It is also as if you are encased in ice and the melting can take a long, long time. Keep a journal of your internal experience/feeling of lack of feelings. It is as if there is someone out there who gets it.

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Reply to KathleenQ

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There are many good suggestions and kind words here. I would like to add that your description of the sky looking different struck me as a post traumatic symptom. Yes you are grieving but there are obvious brain changes which leave you so isolated from the world even while in the world. It’s as if you were hit by a car and get up and act normally but are no longer really normal and no one who hasn’t been there can understand. You speak from a place outside. So please, please ,see a competent psychotherapist, agree to antidepressant medication, join a grief group and understand that this all takes time. It is also as if you are encased in ice and the melting can take a long, long time. Keep a journal of your internal experience/feeling of lack of feelings. It is as if there is someone out there who gets it.

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Reply to KathleenQ

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Good Evening,

Yes, life does change as we know it. Oftentimes things remain the same for many years and then when the changes happen and you look around you see the everyday relatives you would call on the phone or go to their homes for the holidays are either deceased, moved out of State, divorce/remarried, etc.

The next generation, at least in my family, is not living like my generation--Sunday dinner, visiting, no sports on a Sunday, Blue Laws everything was closed.

Pastor Rick Warren said something so profound--he has YouTube Videos...he said exactly this, when the kids are out of the house, spread all across the country, spouse if you have one has passed, loved one's went to be with the Lord, "your Church family is there for you". This gave me such peace and consolation. While I have a large family everyone is all over the country. I am unable to travel due to mother's sickness.

You are not alone in this. You can make a family in your apartment building, on your street, at the Y, etc. You don't have to go to India to help people. There are people right under your nose.

My coffee pot and ham and cheese quiche are a big hit when I know it's time to have company. I keep it simple. 2 hours on a Sunday morning every 6 weeks or so. This really adds to everyone's life. One lady divorced, another recently widowed, one single and one with Dementia.

At different stages of your life the people are no longer there because of the life cycle. People do not die in birth order. But, there is always someone in need.

There are a lot of little one's in my next generation but I miss my dad and my Uncle who made everyone laugh at family weddings when he imitated Tony Orlando. You take the good memories with you and create some new one's.

I know it's hard but my grandmother had a saying, "you can't go back in life".

I'm glad you thought you could share this with all of us. This does happens but you are not alone...

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Reply to Ireland

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Funny, when I was younger it seemed like I was going to endless weddings. Now that I'm older it seems like I am going to endless funerals.

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Reply to olddude

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If you still need anybody to talk to I’m here

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Reply to Jams80

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Thank you for sharing. I'm 37 and an only child, I've lost my grandparents, my parents, and three uncles on my mom's side. I don't know my dad's side. I have no family to introduce my kids to. I can't give them aunts/uncles. I can't call family and share the joy of my progress in life, or my kids' achievements, or invite them to holidays. Everyone I grew up with is gone, all their stories, all their influence, all those shared memories...gone. If I have another child, they will never know or be loved by my parents. It sometimes feels like "when is it my turn to go where they are?" I have amazing friends, but my history, my origin, is gone. I'm in a whole new life without the "restart" of being reborn. It's an emptiness no one can know unless they've been through it. The world seems false and foreign because your loved ones aren't around to help you feel anchored. I was thinking about my family members and how they all died early, and wondered what the point of their lives was. I guess the point is to be remembered and missed for what you were to others. As much as I miss and grieve them I know it's my job to touch others in the same way they touched me until it's my turn go. You will see them again, and as hard as it is, keep being a light to those around you. It's important to be missed because that means you inspired others. Life goes on and we are spirit, and we'll understand more when we're on the other side.

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Reply to PurpleFlowers9

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I've lost both parents, three siblings, 5 nieces and nephews. Seems like all I've done is grieve. But I keep moving on.

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Reply to CinDay72

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Im so sorry you've had such profound loss. Sometimes life is just so unfair.

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I wonder if most of us go thru this… a hollow feeling .. I had 2 siblings, just me and my sister left . My father passed years ago, my mom in May…

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Reply to babsjvd

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Babs,

You could do a DNA analysis on 23andme.

They send a list of relatives. I have over 5,000 in mine. I reconnected with a cousin that I hung out with as a kid. His mom and dad were my godparents.

He lives in California now but planning to visit for French Quarter fest and we are going to reconnect with each other.

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Dear Nevertoheal,

God bless you because you have been through a lot these past few years. My daddy passed in 2020, my mom in 2022 and still am caring for my husband's 94 year old aunt with end stage dementia.
Then I had a sudden lost of my sweet puppy of 13 years completely unexpected.

The trauma and stress of caring for my parents contributed to my stroke and heart surgery. During the time my dad was in his end months my sister ( only sibling involved)had severe covid (2019)and was on a ventilator for weeks. Her long haulers symptoms after effects has changed her permanently and we are now estranged. She became so toxic, angry and abusive to me.

I need to recover and take care of me!
Yes, it's lonely for sure and makes me wonder about the future. I have a great husband but his health is declining.

All I can say is pray and take one day at a time. That is all we have. Try to sit outside each day and go for walks. Can you reconnect with old friends? I started some peaceful crafts and gardening. The goal each day is peace. Be grateful for your life!

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Reply to InFamilyService

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I also understand this iv lost my mum 2014 my sister 2017 my dad 2022 and i looked after him for 8 years with dementia and pancreas cancer till May 2022 now my brother been told he has 6 to 12 month s the grief is on going and you find yourself just feeling a little more OK and something eles happens just at that point you thought things had settled...I'm so sorry for your loses everyone, i totally get this I'm still living day to day wondering what next my brother is the longest person iv known 54 years my sister was the closest best friend, sister loyal kind and beautiful. My brother is the hardest worker and family man, my mum was Cuddly and warm hearted and beautiful my dad was firm strict and annoying at times but he was kind also in his later life ...my kids dad was a great decorater worker and money provider..they all had good intentions i love them all and miss them , I feel drained at times confused and heart broken sad angry down ..but I always smile and try to keep sane in this very very strange but wonderful world we all share ...sorry for all yor losses stay strong you are still here to help others God bless us all keep us strong to cope with this crazy life we all have, spread the love and kindness to those less fortunate.

How do you cope with losing just about all of your family to death? I've lost almost all of my family, and have changed. Anyone else?

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