Yesterday was a bad day visiting my dad in his nursing home. There aren't a lot of bad days, but when they happen they can really knock me down. And I never know quite how to react or handle things.
He generally seems very content there. He has favorite aides and favorite nurses (though I'm realizing now this may be part of the problem... that nobody can measure up to the favorites) and likes the activities.
But yesterday... it was like a 'got up on the wrong side of the bed' situation.
He was mad that nobody got him up until 10:05, which is not uncommon for bath/shower days (even when his favorite daytime aide is there), and even phrased it as "I didn't see another living soul until 10:05." Then he complained that the aide asked him at 11:05 if he wanted to go to the exercise, which seemed to offend him greatly because they would be almost over. Then he told my mom and I that "Nurse Ratched" blew him off when he asked about why he hadn't gotten anything for his hand (which the doctor had looked at), told him he needs to wear his hand brace type thing more (he has contracture of his left hand), and walked away before he could say anything more. Then he both complained that the "subpar staff" doesn't know how to put the brace on (except for his favorite aide) and said that he doesn't want to wear it much because it's uncomfortable.
It turned out that everything he'd told us the doctor had said she was going to do for his hand (ointment for an ingrown nail, which the first nurse had told him it might be) was actually what he assumed she'd do. Because yesterday he said she hadn't said ointment at all, that she had said something about fungus and wearing his brace.
So it's like he decide what the problem is and how to fix it and is now upset that it is not being fixed that way, probably because it's not actually the problem, and he wants my mom and I to do something about that. And what are we even supposed to do?
I'm sorry to go on so long like that but... if anybody has advice for enduring the bad days and keeping patient and calm and doing the right thing... I'm all ears!
On a really REALLY bad day, I usually say that one of the grandkids needs to go somewhere so I have to go. She loves them, so I usually get a reasonably peaceful exit. Doesn’t make me feel any better but I pretend I’m a grown up and try to look brave.
Then try to meet with the staff to discuss what happened or what didn't, and how the issues can be addressed in the future. He does have certain rights, and sometimes staff can work out problems when he feels those rights have been denied.
It may also be that it was a bad day for him, in which case I would spend more time with him, change the subject to something positive, and try to leave on that tone, with his knowing as well that you'll see what you can do.
That's what I did - try to resolve the problem that day, and present the solutions to Dad so he didn't end the day anticipating more problems.
What I then thought was I put him there to help him; not hurt him. I would do anything for my father. I think deep down inside he knows that but, it's so hard seeing him like this. It tears me up completely and I totally understand your feelings.
I would say just hang in there...know he's there for all the right reasons and support and love him as much as you are doing. That's all we can do at this point, right?
I'll be praying for you.
I often think about what the guy who managed my dad's IRA told me when all this started, that he had a client who told him that he was going to try to get his mother out of the NH she was in because she kept telling how unhappy and miserable she was. He told the client to try and remember that nobody 'wants' to be there, but that they wouldn't let a person be there if they didn't 'need' to be there.
And my dad needs to be there, and right now yours does too.
Maybe this is us taking care of them the best we can, just like they took care of us the best they could.
If Dad has a Dementia, I would take what he says with a grain of salt. This is what "he" believes. Don't disagree with him.
When my Mom is having a bad day, I try to distract her with things she enjoys talking about like the grandkids or the dogs. I come up with funny stories that she will laugh at and that seems to help dissipate the agitation or anxiety. I also try to time my visits with a meal so I can eat with her. That is usually enough of a distraction to move her beyond whatever is bothering her.
It's easy to get caught up in the issue(s) of the day and difficult to decide which ones are real and which ones aren't. I try to independently figure that out but am not always successful. I know the facility will call me if there's something I really need to know about so if I haven't received a call, it's probably not as bad as it sounds.
You are obviously a caring child and that's what really matters. I've learned from Mom that she won't remember the conversations or words but she always remembers how she feels. Continue to be there with a hug and sympathetic ear then hope tomorrow will be a better day!