Exhausted! How do you deal with the irrational behavior?
I am a caregiver for my father who moved in with my aunt two years ago. I have someone come into the house and help my father with his daily activities, medication and feeding tube five days a week. I have been going in twice a day on the weekends. It has gotten to be too much for me. I never feel like I have had any rest. I am single and MUST work full time. I have no life just for me.
My aunt who has always been the "special" one in the family is a difficult person. She clearly has severe cognitive issues and is unable to control her emotions. She refuses to accept help with housework and medical care. Other family members find her exhausting and therefore stay away.
Two weeks ago, she verbally ripped me apart. I was already at the point of exhaustion and responded back by telling her to back off. Typically, I would just get out of the house or hang up the phone when she gets into her tirades. She pushes arguments to the point that the other person is so mad and beside themselves that she starts to laugh and smile. I find it disgusting.
Now, a days I feel a literal knot in my stomach going to my aunt's house to take care of my father. There is minimal family support. Any support has to be purchased (i.e., health assistant).
Last night, I was offering the health aid additional hours on the weekend. During the conversation, I learned that my aunt went off on her and even threatened her with bodily harm. I was horrified to learn my aunt was talking like that to a worker. This aid does a good job of working with the family. I will need to hire more help. I am just not confident that others will be able to stomach my aunt's stuff.
How do you deal with verbal attacks from your loved ones?
Do it tomorrow.
Help Dad apply for Medicaid. Get him into an appropriate care environment. You can visit him as often as you like.
It is not my style nor personality to just have people in and out of her house without asking her. I am extremely sensitive to my aunt's needs and space. It is not my house. I thank her all the time. I have offered to pay out of my pocket to get her help. I have offered to take off time from work to go to the doctors with her. I have cleaned up her house while mine remained a pig sty. She refuses any assistance from anyone. My aunt is not being held back from doing anything because dad lives with her. In fact, it is clear to all that she benefits from having his company and interacting with others. The lingering question is “what will happen to my aunt when dad leaves?”
I have spent my 30s and 40s caring for my sick, elderly parents. Many of my life decisions have centered around taking care of my parents. Now I realize that those decisions made out of love and compassion came at a cost to me. I love my father and care very deeply about his well being.
Any chance she is being abusive towards your dad when no one else is there?
Contact your local agency for aging and also social services regarding your dad and possibly also your aunt. The first priority is to get your dad situated in a better place and supported by medicaid. You need your money for your future. Medicaid is there for people like him.
I agree keep your relationship with your aunt as good as possible while you work something else out for your dad and let her know you appreciate that she took him in. From what you write, I think she needs an assessment and treatment. If she has always been difficult she may have a personality disorder and be developing dementia as well. Threatening bodily harm to an aide is way out of the normal range of behaviour. Likely it will get worse. She needs help too.
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