I'm new here. My dad died in Dec. My mom refused to be alone. She is hysterical when alone. She had a falling out with sibling and threw him out of her house. This was unfortunate because he was willing and able to move in with her so she could stay at her house and start working on getting used to living there. Her mood swings are not new, I have heard about them from my dad, he had 55 years of experience in handling them or ignoring them. He did complain more in his later years and I'm sorry to say that we thought he was exaggerating.
The fallout with my sibling was in Feb and since then she lived with me. We gave her my daughters room and we started to build a room for her because she did not want to live alone and my daughter needed her space. Previously my eldest son who just turned 17 would spend a few nights with her but he needs supervision to make sure he gets his work done etc so that was not going to be a long term solution, besides that's not his job in life.
My other sibling would come weekly, he lives out of state until Feb because he lost his job, but the Covid and he lives in a state with massive cases. When he would leave and I would suggest my mom go to her house she would get hysterical and lash out so I stopped.
My kids would go with her to her appts but then Covid got worse and limits on waiting rooms etc so they stayed home. I've signed them up for a slew of classes to keep them busy and engaged. She says I keep them from her but I don't. I keep them busy, they are 14 and 17 so they are not 4/7 and she treats them like little kids and expects a whole lot of attention from them and as teens you know they hardly pay attention to me. Not rude but doing their own thing which I'm ok with.
My mom hates everything about how we live, FYI we aren't heathens or anything lol. It's just not like how she does things. She holds in a million little things that irk her and then has a massive meltdown, tantrum, whatever you want to name it. She demands that I do not tell my sibling because she hates to hear anything from anyone and when I do tell him and he confronts her, her anger is even worse. She favors him, I'm the daughter I have to take it all and stay silent.
This past weekend she had a meltdown because we didn't attend a zoom funeral with her. She refused to connect on her own and had a massive meltdown from there, she stated spewing all this crap about all these things that I do wrong. To make me feel bad she refuses food, when she does that she will cry and say it's better to get sick and die. So I told my husband to talk to her. That made matters worse. She went to her house to cool down on Sunday (this started Saturday) and came back acted fine chatted with us etc. Mon am, while my husband was working she lashed out again and told me I should have NEVER involved him. I told her she lives with us not me and when she talks like that I will involve him.
She's been self exiling to her house during the day to stick it to me. But it's a silver lining as I get a break. She should have been doing that for months, so it's a good thing. The only problem is she lies that she eats when my sibling talks to her and to me tells me she hasn't eaten all day.
She can drive, she has enough money, she has her own house and with meds she has her conditions under control, diabetes, high blood pressure. She tells me she can get her own food, refuses any delivery and if I offer food to take with her she will say, why? Unless you are implying that I'm leaving. So damned if I do, damned if I don't
Back story we did live with them before but moved after a few years even though we built a 2nd house due to the meddling in how we raised our kids. If I punished my son especially, she would cry. Now as they were older if she thought I left them alone she told my daughter she could call the police and get custody even though they were old enough to be alone (and it was usually an hour or two)
You need to do what is best for you, your spouse and your children. This is an important and difficult time in their lives and they do not need the added stress of dealing with your mother and her behaviors.
Depending on your mom's personality, from the outside it might appear to everyone that you had a wonderful childhood. You lived in a clean, nicely decorated, solidly middle-class 1960's house. Your father worked hard, wasn't abusive, wasn't an alcoholic, adored your mother, and let her rule the roost. No one was ever spanked, hit, slugged, or knocked around. Your home was a haven for the cousins who lived in chaos. What on earth did you have to complain about?
Out of this 'perfect life' where confusion and misery swirled unknown beneath the surface, I managed to marry a man just like my mom. Fortunately a few events occurred that started me on the path to recovery and along the way I raised two very independent and smart children, unafraid of anything including 'hurting my feelings'. I helped my brother on that path too and told him before he got married that he should always put his new wife first, no matter what our mother wanted. I warned him it wouldn't be easy and that she would work on his emotions hard and do everything to come between he and my SIL (which she did) but he did it.
My advice to you is:
1. Find a good counselor to talk to and ask her about narcissism. Not because you are crazy, but because your mom is crazy. It will help you pull out all the crap and put it in the trash where it belongs. You are also going to need to learn how to get away from her. After years of this treatment, you won't be able to just walk away from it.
2. IMHO - this is ONLY MHO - don't waste time or money looking for a medical reason for her behavior. My mom, god love her insanity, did the best she could raised in toxic slime. Considering her vile father and enabling mother, its amazing she came out as outwardly sane as she did. She did try, she had a lot of great instincts, but some stuff you can't just slough off without help recognizing it. Whatever your mom's back story is, it molded who she became. You can't fix her and she's probably too old to fix herself. But its not too late to fix you. You owe it to yourself and your family.
3. I'll tell you what I told my brother. Your husband and children now come first - always. It won't be easy but it's critical so you can move forward. That is why if its possible to engage someone trained to help with situations like this, you won't have to sputter along, surfing all night on the internet and trying to find the road map. Realize that one day you won't feel guilty and accept that it may take a while. Taking a step to escape sometimes is liberating enough to keep going.
Finally, realize that despite your understanding that she is a hot mess, she is your mom and you love her. I adored my toxic, controlling, sometimes demeaning mom while knowing how damaged she was. I cared for her until the day she died. And I thank her that in her last year her selfishness sucked every ounce of that love out of me so that when she died I rejoiced and never shed a tear. I consider that the last thing she gave me - freedom from grief.
Your mom needs a doctors assessment and advice if she needs live in or casual help. Given her character it’s far healthier if support comes from outside the family.
Set your boundaries firm.
Re-arrange the furniture in living room and bedroom. Together, go online to pick out some fun, bright throw pillows or accessories. Of course, ultimately they have to be her choice, but then she also has to be at her house when they get delivered! Maybe new curtains in a room. This will accomplish a few things. It makes it a "new" place, not the place she shared with Dad. And it secretly starts to get her used to her things in a different place...just what would happen if she moved.
Some elderly people have had the same living room for 50 years! It's what they know and love, so if she is one of those make minor changes and have her involved so the changes are HER idea.
What about a cat? Something at her house that needs her there.
As for the guilt...STOP! Guilt never accomplishes anything but making you miserable and sucking your energy dry. That energy wasted on guilt and worry is much better utilized to work on solutions. If Mom were a sweet little ol' gramma there'd be no problem having her in your home. But she isn't. And her behaviors make her a problem. No reason to be guilty. Your house, your rules.
Its hard, and it hurts. But Mom having a meltdown is no different than a 9 year old having a meltdown. Just say "I understand you are upset. If you want to scream and cry please go to your room so you aren't bothering the others that live here. " If she doesn't, then leave with everyone else. Drop whatever you are doing and go. Her meltdown is making you drop everything anyway! It will only take a couple times before she learns her actions have consequences.
Sometimes the elderly need to be treated like kids. Watch a few episodes of Super Nanny with Jo Frost on YouTube! Her technique will help everyone in the house!
Good luck. I hope you get the peace you and your family deserve.
She had 3 meals a day, restaurant style. She had activites and people to interact with when she felt like it and her own space to retreat to when she felt like THAT.
Mm-hm.
See what you can do to deserve more and more of this punishment, I should.
Meanwhile, though. What arrangement do you think would be best for your mother's welfare, looked at all round? I don't mean "what would shut her up." I mean, what do you think would serve her real best interests?
Sounds like she will never be happy no matter what. Don't beat yourself up over this. Reacting to her is making your family miserable also. You don't want your kids with bad memories of growing up.
In learning about codependence. ( living with an alcoholic) I learned this:. When the melt downs start, you have to tell them you will no longer remain present when this behavior starts. Warn her and if she doesn't stop pick up your purse & whomever is at home and walk out. Go to a movie, shopping, out to eat. She will realize after a couple of times that she has lost control of you. Magically the behaviours stops.
Hopefully she will figure out that you are in control of your life & she has to make decisions of how she wants to live and needs to change her behavior.
DONT FEEL GUILTY. Especially because she is a capable person and chooses to be miserable. Seems to me that whatever her living circumstances, she isn't going to be happy.
Perhaps an intervention with ALL family members using a professional facilitator can help. Good luck
Guilt is part of life now, as we, too, age and are caregivers. Try to let go of it. Contact your local Alzheimer’s group. They have a wonderful caregiver support group. You’re not alone. It can be so frustrating and time consuming and overwhelming. Your mom has a lot on her plate, too. Family dynamics play a huge role, too.
Try to take time for yourself. If you feel guilty over something you said, or, maybe you think you handled something wrong, try and realize that we all lash out when we feel attacked.
I’m sure you’re missing your dad, too and are grieving.
I found so much help in a support groups. It sure helps. Maybe try to see things from your mom’s side too. She sounds so frightened. She doesn’t seem to know how to handle this loss.
It’s not easy. I know first hand. Just remembered that you’re only human and you’re doing the best you can with what you have.
But, that doesn't mean you should continue this living hell.
The time you have left with your teenage kids is diminishing rapidly. You need to be pouring into those relationships and needs for their stability and good well being, not hers. When my kids were that age, I stepped back from many volunteer commitments even, so I could be fully invested in launching successful well grounded young adults. The teen years are fraught with big emotions, hormonal fluctuations and big decisions that affect their futures. That is where your time and energy need to be now.
I would not allow this person to live in my home.
So I haven't a lot of sympathy. I am sorry. You had best run while the running is good, because this sounds like a strong, if mean old woman. And she likely has decades of abuse to lay on all of you.
Learn to have boundaries. There are books and books written about them. Some in fact are called "Boundaries".
If you feel guilty it is likely because you were raised and trained to feel guilty.
Stop living with abusive people, OR, if you CHOOSE to continue to live with them, involve them in your life, accept the fact that you are doing so by your own choice. I doubt you will receive much praise from ANYONE for that choice. Certainly not from the abuser.
I honestly think that CHAOS can become an addiction.
her emotional imbalance? You didn't create it and she is responsible for her own emotions.
her manipulative relationship behaviors? Again, you did not teach how to act this way; she has been doing this longer than you have been an adult.
living with her for a time? OK, how long was it? What kind of support did your parents provide during that time period? What would be a reasonable equivalent reimbursement in money, goods and/or time?
not doing your "duty" as a good daughter? You are responsible to make sure that family members that are not mentally competent, or childlike, are safe and healthy... not "happy all the time." If mom is mentally competent to live on her own (and I do have questions that she may have mental health issues), she should live in her own house and meet her own needs. She doesn't need you to provide for her physical needs and she is definitely not happy with you providing for her social needs.
I would suggest you and hubby have discussions, without mom, about the life you want to have: with each other, with your children, and with your mom. Decide what behavior is ok and what is not acceptable. Decide on how to handle mom's problem behaviors when they occur. Then, follow through on your decisions. Please try reading any of the Boundary books by Cloud and Townsend to help you with creating boundaries and coping strategies.
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When she is in her home can she afford to hire a part time care giver? Does she even need care beyond being alone? Perhaps she could go to a senior center for daytime activities with others with whom she could socialize.
One other thing, has she been evaluated for dementia or even bi-polar illness? Her mood swings make me think there is a mental problem going on.
Stop enabling this behavior. Next time she throws one of her hissy fits, tell her that she is acting like a bratty 9-year-old child - and then IGNORE her tantrum as best as you can.
A person who acts like that has NO RIGHT to live with you. It does not matter if she is your mother.
At this point, I would recommend encouraging her to move to a senior community, where there are LOTS of other people around so she would not feel lonely or alone. You will need to "talk it up" for a while to put the idea in her mind so that she believes it was "her" idea. Then, just go visit one of the places "for future reference," having her talk with a few of the seniors there who are very upbeat about their lifestyle there.
Clearly the issues are all your mother's, not yours and you shouldn't make them yours, hubbies or kids. You say she is healthy. Her medical issues are under control (at least the physical ones!). You've tried living with her before and it didn't last long - meddling. Nothing has changed. She is STILL meddling and using her age and "position" to lord it over you. You said she hates how you live. She feels you are keeping the kids from her. She has meltdowns when things are not going her way. She tells you you can't do things right, criticizes what you do, rejects offers to help (food when she goes home to sulk), etc. If it is all so bad, WHY does she even want to be there? Oh, to control, to make you in the mold she wants. I would even tell her that since you can't do anything right and she hates it there so much, why don't you just go home and stay there!?!?!?!
I personally would put a stop to ALL of this, guilt included! You are NOT the problem. Next time she decides she has to go "cool off", tell her it is time to stay - you can pack her things and deliver them, but she stays in her home. If she wants some occasional assistance and can ask nicely and be grateful, fine, you will help. If she starts in on you, walk away.
Even before our mother developed dementia, she could have her "difficult" moments. I wavered over the years about taking my parents in, and knowing it wouldn't work finally made my decision. Nope. When we took the car, I helped as best I could, ensuring she could get groceries, get to appointments, etc The original plan was to help her stay in her own condo, so I took over finances and hired aide company to come in 1 hr/day (minimum), mainly to check on her and see that she took her meds from the timed/locked dispenser. I didn't care if they just sat and chatted with her at that point. As she needed more help, we could increase the hours, but this didn't last 2 months. In her head she was fine, independent and could cook. Nope. But, she refused to let them in, so we had to start on plan B - facility. We couldn't discuss any of this with her as she refused to consider moving anywhere (one brother offered) and NEVER mention the "D" word!!!
Your case is different in that she is relatively independent, or could be. As far as eating, do you have any way to check on her (she tells bro one thing, you another, so who is she lying to?) If she isn't visibly wasting away, she's probably just trying to guilt you. Limit further contact to HER place, unless she's willing to visit on occasion to see the kids, have a Sunday dinner with you, etc. I think I would probably make those visits at HER place, and bring a meal. That way you can just leave. At your home, if she starts her nonsense, cut her off and remind her this is YOUR home. She behaves or she can go home. Walk away from her.
Just because she is your mother, she has no right to demand anything from you, order you around, treat you with abuse. None. It will be difficult, for sure, but you need to stand your ground. Set the boundaries and if she crosses them, she can go "cool off" and stew in her own place.
Perhaps your Dad was doing the same thing for your mother, and her behaviour has been deteriorating over quite a long time. If so, she is likely to get worse, not to recover from his death or to respond well to boundary setting. This may not help right now, but it might change how you view plans for the future. At least something to consider.