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So, while I am visiting my mom this month, I have discovered that she is having episodes of paranoia regarding my older brother, whose name she had added to her checking account so he could help her keep up with paying bills on time and general daily/weekly expenses. I had no idea she was having these episodes, but twice she has come to me saying that she is scared that my brother is doing something fishy with her money (he is not), and she wants to take his name off of the account. Which is fine, it's just the checking account and she is not making any gross errors, we just thought that since she was at the "getting forgetful" early stages, it would give her-all of us- peace of mind that she would not forget to pay any bills. Most have been automated anyway by now. And the two left can easily be as well. However, this recent development of paranoia throws a wrench into our further planning to help protect her, because I had thought that it is getting to be time for her to assign POAs for her health and finances. I assumed she'd assign it/them? to my brother as a matter of course since he lives with her and is her primary caretaker (she does not need any physical help yet and is in early stages of memory loss--unless the paranoia indicates more, but she's always been sorta paranoid that strangers will steal her stuff, so it's really hard for me to judge any recent decline based on that, except the fact that now she's not trusting her own oldest child, who has always been the favorite! My siblings and I have no conflicts between us and we're united in our concern being for her safety and wellbeing, so there are no issues there. The dilemma facing us now is how to even begin discussing POAs if she's already experiencing fear around losing power or control over her finances? One of her comments when in the throes of the paranoia episode was "He has all the power, I am so afraid" and it just broke my heart! I worry that whomever of us she "gives more power to," she will continue to develop these fearful feelings about.


Thank you for reading this!

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Imho, a visit to her physician is in order to discuss the reasons for the paranoia.
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IF you get POA's done up, your brother does not need his name on her checking account. I had my name on my mothers account until the Elder Care Attorney (which you should get in touch with) told me that IF my mother died, I would have to pay inheritance tax on "half" of the money in her account even though all that money was hers AND IF I died before her.....she would have to pay inheritance tax on half even though all the money was hers. So I took my name off her account. Both my brother and I are POA's and mom (fortunately does not have dementia) had no problem with me handling her bills, which I had been doing for the last 10 years. (she is 94). Maybe your brother should sit down with your mother while he is writing out the bills to show her that everything is fine and nothing funny is happening. But definitely get in touch with an Elder Care attorney NOW so that you can be sure things run smoothly as time moves on and her mental capacity is more limited. I think the paranoia is one part of the disease and things will change all the time. So when you all get together with the Elder Care Attorney and discuss things, get POA's set up, make sure you discuss the name on the checking account thing. All you need to do is sign your name with POA after it using her checking account. Wishing you luck.
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Let your brother continue since he lives there. Reassure her that you both work together on the money and you watch what is spent. Should she become fearful of you (when talking to him) tell him to say the same. That's about all you can do. Keep getting any documents signed as you can to make it easier for you all to handle her affairs.
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The time is now to have her evaluated by a doctor, set up a will and power of attorney because Alzheimer's will come on pretty quick and you need to do this while she is still cognitive.
Next time that you take her to a doctor ( or you could call her doctor before her next visit and set this up ) ask the doctor to give her a test.
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I believe you will need a doctor to access - which can be tricky - When we first noticed my moms dementia was when she thought everyone was stealing from her because she couldn't remember where she put things. When it came to money, she would go to the bank 3 times a day and loose her money. After that we took over her account but she already had POA in place.
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You need to get Mom evaluated by a Neurologist. Some labs would help in ruling out anything physical going on.

If your Mom has Dementia, you may not be able to get POA. She has to be competent to make that decision. From what you wrote, she may not allow it. She may consider it you taking over her life.
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1st off, have everything paid automatically.
Then have your brother's name removed from the check's itself, just leave him on the account.
Have your mom list one of ya'll on all her accounts as POD which only allows the person to take her money once she has died.

Wautomatically for a good day when she isn't paranoid and have the talk or, wait til she's at her Dr's appointment and tell the Dr beforehand to have the paperwork and talk to your mom about it. Just do the medical part for now.

You can have her add someone to her savings, ect another day when she is having a good day.

In the meantime, if you're not getting paper statements from the Bank, Do so. Show mom the Bank Statements of what her money went for to ease her mind about her finances.
Do this every month and it will help her to feel more in control.
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Anxiety and paranoia are fairly common for those with dementia. She can't remember doing something and fears that the one she asked to help her may be taking advantage of her. So, you need to put things into place that help reassure her. Get ALL the bills on autopay. Take brother's name off her checking accounts - which will free up those monies to be part of her estate when she dies. It might help to have a "financial corkboard" on the inside of a cabinet door. Post the current status of her finances - last bank statement, list off all places she has recurring bills with and how/when they are paid, and any other "numbers: that concern her. When she frets about loss of control, show her the board and go through explaining that every bill is being paid and she is not "losing money."

Get her legal paperwork completed while she can still manage. Have talks about who she trusts to oversee her finances with a financial POA. Explain that everything is being paid automatically and that this person will have electronic access to make sure she is not hacked and to make changes or payments as needed. Have talks about who she trusts to oversee her medical affairs: go with her to the doctor, ask medical questions, make medical decisions... and get that person a medical POA. Ask her who she trusts to manage division of her assets when she dies and have her will drawn up and that person named as executor. Also talk with her about end of life issues and help her decide if she wants CPR, fluids, and/or food if she is in a vegetative state. A family lawyer or eldercare lawyer can help with preparing all those documents.

Something else to consider is an appointment with the doctor. Wait until AFTER the lawyer writes up all those legal documents. THEN, ask the doctor to evaluate her for type of dementia and treatment. Alzheimer's and Parkinson's can be managed with medications in early stages. Anti-anxiety medications can help with some of the paranoia as well.
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My husband is also paranoid about money and family members. There is no way that I could convince him to sign a POA to me - he is just too paranoid and suspicious. These feelings of paranoia or thoughts that someone is stealing from them typically do fall on the primary caregiver who unfortunately for your brother is him. In my case it is me. It is extraordinarily difficult to be in your brother's position. It is good that all the siblings are together on the care for your mother as that hopefully will help your brother cope. Right now I am just watching the bank accounts closely. I have the VA as a back up if I need them as my husband is a 100% disabled veteran. I would just have an attorney that you all trust (siblings) that can advise you as you go through the process. And, remember your brother counts. His stress level needs to be monitored so that he is okay as your mom declines. This is a very sad disease that robs not only the ill person but those around them of their normal lives. That, right now is what I am working on - not losing me because of his illness. I feel that 2 lives shouldn't be destroyed but the caregiver should always be compassionate to the ill parent/partner but not be a martyr.
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From my experience, I'd say your final sentence is something you really need to consider. ("I worry that whomever of us she "gives more power to," she will continue to develop these fearful feelings about."). Luckily you and your siblings are not divided, but whomever it falls on will be forever hurt. Give that person all the love and support you can.
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These days, seniors are right to be careful with their money. There are so many scammers out there...But hopefully she'll trust her children. Is she computer savvy? If so, try to get her set up with automatic payments. But she or someone else still needs to check the statements to make sure they are correct. Every adult should set up Powers of Attorney for medical and financial affairs (this person would take over if she becomes incapacitated) and have a living will with medical directives, and everyone with assets should have a will. Especially now, in the time of covid. You never know what can happen. Talk to her about this, while she is still capable of understanding and setting these things up. You may need an attorney if there are assets. The attorney may be able to explain things to her in a way that she'll feel more confident about. Banks and other financial institutions often have their own POA forms, so that's more forms she'll have to sign. She also needs to have your brother or a POA on file with Medicare and Social Security as someone who can speak with them on her behalf. I hope she'll stop resisting having her children help out. Approach this, not so much that she is failing, but more that the children would like to help her. Hopefully she'll go along. Some people don't know that they have dementia.
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Not sure how you will phrase it, but assure your mother that POA doesn't have legal control until she can no longer make decisions for herself.
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If you know your mother is of sound mind, why are you second guessing her fears? Why is your brother living with her if she doesn’t yet need live in care? Is he in financial difficulties, a gambler, or chronically unemployed or unable to hold a job? How do you know for certain he can be trusted? I think you should discontinue exercising the POA, change the person named as POA to another sibling and see whether her anxieties abate. It’s quite possible she knows your brother better than you do or knows something about him that you and your siblings do not. Based upon your post, it sounds like your mother is still capable of handling her own affairs and you and your siblings are jumping the gun by taking over without her consent and in ways that are premature and anxiety provoking. It’s completely understandable that your mother doesn’t want someone exercising powers over her before she is incapacitated and unable to do these things for herself. All your brother has to do is to identify the bills that need to be paid by check, sort the mail when it comes into the house and make sure she pays them.
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ExhaustedPiper avatar
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ExhaustedPiper Jul 2021
Can you read? There are no issues with the brother. The siblings are united in wanting to CARE for their mother who is having memory loss. They are smart to set up POA *before* she is incapacitated.

Paranoia is very common in dementia, you should read up on it before assuming the worst about people. The brother is her caretaker, the OP said nothing about gambling or chronic unemployment.
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Prior to my mother entering AL and starting a joint account with her (including setting up POA) I had her bank give me print outs of the past few months of activity with her accounts. She was doing all sorts of transfers on several accounts which not only made no sense but was incurring unnecessary finance charges. My husband and I sat with her and told her this was not making any sense and costing her money. There was the proof in the statements and she could see that truth and came to accept that we should take control. She also was being charged monthly by charities and other companies. I closed a credit card and started another one to avoid this as the bank on the credit card was not being helpful.

If you could show your mother statements perhaps she could come to realize that there is a valid reason (hopefully) for payments being made and your brother is acting in her best interests. Good luck with how you proceed.
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I set my Mom's POA up with me (caregiver) as the first POA agent my brother as 2nd agent and other brother as 3rd agent. That way Mom will always have someone to handle her business when the time is needed if the first POA cannot do it.

You can add your name to Mom's checking account but if you need to remove a name you have to close that account and open up a new one. I had to do that for my Mom. Hope you get things sorted out and get some peace of mind.
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Just as there is a time when we need to give up driving, the same applies to our capacity to manage our money/assets (although it would be nice if we could just give up paying bills altogether!).
My dad was (is?) the same and it was only after some issues with certain spending and the ensuing dramas to reconcile his oversights that I had to make this clear to him that it was no longer in his best interests to handle financial matters. The evidence works better than persuasion.
Although at the time I did have POA, I considered myself 'overseer' to avoid appearing controlling and gradually obligations shifted over completely.
I can understand the anxiety and would feel the same about anyone taking over my asset management. To help alleviate this, I prepared reconciliation reports showing all expenditure which dad could check off his bank statements (it also helped me feel more confident when balancing accounts). His condition has deteriorated since then and the numbers don't really register anymore but providing the reports still offers reassurance as he scrutinises what he no longer comprehends.
While my siblings have no role in his care, they are supportive regarding dad's finances, but I do know that any misappropriation of funds would receive the utmost condemnation, so I maintain this practice not only for my own peace of mind but also to protect my integrity should my dealings ever be questioned - it helps me sleep better at night...
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The delusional paranoia can easily transfer from brother to anyone else. Talk to her doctor to try and treat that.
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So, two things.

A sudden change in mental status should be investigated. It could be a UTI or other infection (or sudden drop in O2 sat) that is causing these episodes. Report this to her doctor.

Who told her that POA holds "all the power"? Does her POA take effect immediately or only when she is deemed unable to speak for herself?

Possibly a return trip to the lawyer who prepared this for a better explanation is in order.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2021
Yes to having a checkup, culture test for UTI, bloodwork, etc. to rule out any medical cause for the paranoia.

There are no POAs at the moment. OP was planning to get these done, but is concerned about mom's condition, which may get in the way of assigning POA (to a person who needs to agree and sign the legal paperwork. keep in mind POA does stand for POWER of attorney! No, it doesn't mean they get all power, but to someone who is already distrustful, it will seem that way!)

OP was merely using that expression to describe her mother's concerns, not telling mom anyone has the power.
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Tricky indeed.

Maybe instead of 'giving Brother power (or you), it could be rephrased somewhat.

Mother, you have the right to sign financial, legal & medical documents for yourself.

Many families like to have an 'just in case of emergency' plan. That seems sensible to me. What do you think?

What if you were unable to sign for yourself (hit your head, very sick with Covid or something else)? Who would decide things with your best interests at heart? Who would be better to sign? Your lawyer, family or someone else?

I've heard it phrased similar - wish I could remember the exact wording! A very paranoid man with delerium was able to clearly explain to his Psychologist that he would pick his son over his lawyer or a court appointed person. In that case it was deemed he could understand the question, weigh the facts & legally sign the EPOA.

But cases differ & lawyers can disagree with medicos too.

Hopefully some posters with legal knowledge will be along to advice you on this one.
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Victoria244 Jul 2021
Oh no, the "giving brother power" is just my way to try to define what/how it seemed to be feeling for my mom to have added my brother to her checking acct. At all steps we're being clear that the assets are, and will remain, hers, and that these are just protective measures on her behalf. It's just that this new symptom of paranoia has thrown us a huge curve. Now, after having read up on it, I realize it is a common symptom, but it was shocking at first. Thank you so much for your suggestion to approach it as gentle questions, as that helps to give her agency.
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