I have been caregiving for over 10 years to various family members as they have needed help. I have maintained a balance to give care and not overstep and take over the independence of my parents. I have done everything for them financially, emotionally, and physically to support them and to help them maintain their independence. However, on every visit, I never know if I will be treated with kindness or the opposite.
How do you get to the place where no matter what behaivior is done, no matter what is said, you do not get hurt by it?
I'm not sure it's possible to get to a place where no matter what is said or done by our parents we won't get hurt. We're emotional beings, we feel. This site is full of people who are trying to deal with an elderly parent who is hurtful. I don't think anyone has found a magic combination of personality traits that will render us immune to pain from our parents.
How do you feel about yourself? What I am seeing is a loving, generous soul. Can you stop equating their crankiness with loss of love for you. It is hard to be old, nothing works, everything hurts, you can't do what you want, yadda, yadda. Don't take it personally, let the meanness and ingratitude roll off your back. It is more of a reflection on them then you.
How not to get hurt. Care more about your opinion then theirs. If not recieved with kindness, and it hurts leave. Be honest with them. I can't take your nastiness, goodbye. Instead of hurt you will feel good about yourself.
If I'm visiting her, I leave the moment she starts badmouthing my long-dead father and/or bit____ng about my inadequacies as a caregiver; and as a son.
If she's visiting me, I have no problems putting her in a cab if I sense she's being disrespectful. So the boundaries are clear.
My point is that when you respect yourself, it shows. If every time you meet someone all s/he does is recriminate, humiliate, hurt you and abuse you, then there should be no place for them in your life. Doesn't matter whom, doesn't matter when, doesn't matter where.
My MIL is 87 and even with dementia, she can figure that out.
My Dad likes to annoy at minimum. I do not tolerate name calling and the only thing that seemed to stop that was my Son. HE realized it was no good for him to hear. However he now likes to play physiological warfare as I call it. I have to try and stay on top of my toes and not let him know the minuscule actions get to me. IF he does know he does it all the more. It has worked for me.
Just an FYI I am to the point I start to shake when there is yelling around me. I think my body has had enough.
So, I suppose, you have to concentrate instead on what you're trying to achieve on any given day. Say you've gone to their house to deliver their groceries. If they thank you and invite you to stay and share a meal, great! - that's a good day. But if they are rude, and unkind, and complain unreasonably... well. You went there to deliver their groceries. You have delivered them. Mission accomplished. Go home and think about something else.
I have a favourite line of Hilaire Belloc's, when he was addressing children: "Your little hands were made to take the better things, and leave the worse ones…" Embrace your parents' kindnesses. Do your best to cut short and overlook the opposite. And be comforted: you are doing good work.