I lived with my parents’ for 40 years when younger, and, then found a place of my own. My Father is deceased, and, my aging Mom is in an independent facility. Just recently, she mentioned me moving back in for help which upsets me a great deal. If this happened, I would be losing my place and all belongings.
I fear if moving in with her happens, I will be a caregiver and have no life of my own. Also, physically and emotionally it would be hard as I have arthritis and high blood pressure.
Upon inquiring if she were serious, my Mom stated “No”, and, seemed understanding about us living apart. I’m unsure if she’s sincere, but, stated so. My Mom mentioned us arguing a lot which is more than likely true. Presently, she’s mentally and physically able to live on her own. I know she has a couple of issues with hearing and sight, although, she can still see at this time.
I don’t see moving back in with her as a happy situation, and, feel in time I’ll with physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Also, I will lose all the belongings that I have that make my condo a home.
Stay where you are and treasure having your own place and your own belongings.
Your response is spot on! This is definitely one of those questions where we can all give our response as to "what we would do," but it really comes down to a personal decision. It doesn't make you a bad person if you'd rather not have your mom move in, and actually it'd likely be much worse to have her move in against your better judgement. Just be honest with yourself and your family. :-)
"No, I am sorry but I can not do that."
then
"I'm sorry but I can not do that, you will have to find another solution, we can sit down and discuss options".
As long as this is not an option for you at any time you need to be clear now and set boundaries that you will stick to.
There is noting wrong with stating that you can not safely care for someone. This is for your safety includes mentally and financially and physically.
Why would you think your sister has had anything to do with the discussion?
Meanwhile you, who would be the chief if not the only decision-maker about the whole thing, regard the idea with horror.
So... the plan isn't even in development. What on earth are you so anxious about? What do you mean, "if this happened"? - it couldn't just "happen." You would have to take an active decision to do it, and you're not going to.
I suspect the fear that's welled up in you may be related to your not having left your parents' home until you were forty, and working part-time from home perhaps not entirely through choice, and your being (quite naturally) very attached to the home you have made for yourself and the sense of security it gives you.
Did your mother perhaps think that your living together could be a way of supporting the both of you? How did the subject come up in the first place?
If she is IL, then let her stay right there, soon she possibly will need AL, most facilities today have a step up program, she can then move up to AL.
It is obvious that this will not work, stand your ground and go forward with your life.
Keep doing it until you believe yourself. Then it will be easy to tell your mom and sister. And I agree with the others, recommend that your sister move in with your mom. Tell her you had the first 40 years, now it's her turn! Big hugs to you.
40 years of living together is MORE than enough. WAY more, in fact.
If your sister thinks it's such a splendid idea for mother to live with a daughter, suggest she live with HER instead! I always advocate for being helpful, don't you? :)
Make sure to stick to your guns on this. Otherwise, you WILL lose your independence and the entire life and lifestyle you've worked so hard to build for yourself!
If mother reaches a point where she can no longer live independently, then offer to help her find a nice Assisted Living apartment.
Best of luck!
Just say, sorry will not happen. It took me 40 yrs to move out and I'm staying out. Plus, would Moms facility allow you to move in? Moms OK now so let it go. But if mentioned, say sorry Mom/sister, not going to happen.
Your sister is your sister. You are YOU.
If your mom is able to manage her life independently, then the best thing for her is doing that.
If she is UNABLE to do so, you and your sister may need to COLLABORATE to develop a care plan for her. That plan does not necessarily require EITHER ONE OF YOU to give up your present life style(s) to be Mom’s caregiver.
Do either of you hold POA for Mom in order to manage her careIf/when she does become dependent on you for help? If not, the discussion may. Red to start there.
Remind yourself often, several times a day- YOUR SISTER IS NOT ENTITLED TO MAKE OR INFLUENCE YOUR PERSONAL DECISIONS in relation to Mom’s care!
You can, however, consider plans for mom's future. Getting all legal documents in place (POAs for financial and medical decisions, will, wishes for medical care/DNRs, etc) This does NOT mean you take over as soon as the ink dries - it is a planning process, something that can become a huge necessity if mom goes down the dementia path in the future.
You can also consider alternatives for her care. When she needs more help, AL is an option. It will cost more than IL. Another option is bringing in help (mom's dime!), but this can become very expensive, more than AL. It could start with hiring some minimal help that IL doesn't provide, but when it becomes more expensive, it would be time to consider AL.
Caring for a LO does NOT mean one has to do the hands-on oneself. You become an advocate and explore/monitor all options to ensure the care s/he gets is appropriate. It doesn't mean giving up your life!
If she has limited finances, it would be time to consider whether she qualifies for Medicaid (not all states cover AL - from what I have read, there are few who do, but the requirements are huge!) You would likely need to seek assistance for this as well. If dad or step-dad were in the service, she might also qualify for VA help. Both VA and Medicaid do sometimes provide a limited amount of money for in-home care.
AND, repeat: NO!
Just don’t move back home. Keep your home and sanity. Help mom find another solution. If your sister says that she shouldn’t be alone. Tell her to move in with her.