Hi, I need some advice. I love my mom dearly. I have been taking care of her every need for the last 8 years. It's always been her & I until these lsat 2 years (we now live my my fiancée and his son). She has lost a lot more independence during this time, but I still do a great job with her; I work from home, I change her, feed her, hang out with her, etc.... Her passive aggressive comments are really getting to me. She even now rolls her eyes at me when we go out for an hour or so. Even tonight when it's a wedding errand. She says I should make plans around when my sister can come watch her (which is never by the way). I told her I thought it was unfair, our entire lives revolve around her. It's always the same reaction from her .... "go some other time" "is it that important" "what if the house catches on fire," etc... I just don't know how not to let her guilt trip effect me when I walk out the door because I end up having a miserable time when I leave OR rush to get home, which is really not good for my relationship. Are there any magic words I can say to her to make her more grateful for what I do and act and less entitled to my every moment?
It's funny, but when I ask my mom to please do this/don't do that/etc. - she doesn't listen to me. When MY HUSBAND asks her the same thing? BAM! It's like God himself spoke to her & she is right on it! I think it is that generational thing...he's the "man of the house", so she gives him that respect...and I'm left feeling like chopped liver. I try not to let it get to me though, as long as she listens to SOMEONE, that's really the main objective. I have had the "boundary" talk with her on more than one occasion (I don't need my mom folding our underwear/making our bed/ etc.) - I think she just wants to help and wants to be needed, which is fine, but again...boundaries. Unfortunately, she shoots down all other suggestions on things to do & complains about everything under the sun, which seriously drains the life out of me. I don't know. Sorry for rambling... I wish there was a magic word or two, that's for sure! Good luck!
If she can safely be left alone, then leave her. Let her comments roll off your back. Will your mother continue to live with you after you are married? This could go on for decades and decades. Now is definitely the time to set boundaries.
I'm afraid a complicating factor here is that you began caring for your mother very very young. You never really established your independence and a separate life. It will be hard now to do that. But it is absolutely essential, for the success of your marriage.