How do you handle the guilt from taking some time for yourself?

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How do you handle the guilt from taking some time for yourself?

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I managed to have a whole day out yesterday with 2 of my sisters filling in to stay with Mom in my absence. She loves being with them, but when I came home I got the silent treatment, and it went on through the evening. When I asked what was wrong she said she was so bored from staying at home all day. At bedtime she apologized for being “pouty” with me. I told her it was all right and we would make tomorrow a better day. She then offered she had been blue and lonely from being home all day. I do so much for her willingly and keep her engaged with activities she can still do, outings as often as we can, etc. Today I feel it wasn’t worth it to leave her with how low I feel this morning. After almost 4 years of caregiving, this has happened before, but not to this degree. I’m sure this is normal, but how do you handle similar situations?

Burnout Family Caregiver Guilt

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You have no reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong! You have to take care of yourself to take care of her. Please don't let guilt control your life or self-care.

This kind of guilt is useless. How do you get over it? You keep telling yourself that you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your mom, and just keep doing outings and it will get easier the more you do them. As long as mom is in good hands while you are out than you are good!

I know it is difficult for your mom to understand that you need time to yourself, but just keep explaining how it is important for you to have this time to yourself, and that you will do whatever she wants in turn. Don't reward bad behavior, but a little reward for being good goes a long way. Get what I am telling you?

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How do I handle it? I do not feel guilty. If I were caring for my mother, old habits of behavior might have kicked in, but I am not. I do not need my aunt's approval to feel good about myself, or to remember that I need to be well in order to do caregiving. You do also. You do not need to justify self care. You do not 'cause' her feelings, either. If this continues to bother you, try counseling as many of us have.

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Beejay, my sister once told me, "Nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission." This was because our mother, rest her soul, was a past master at dishing out the guilt trips! I'm so grateful she told me that, and I'm glad that over time, with practice, I came to believe and understand that she was right! Nobody is in control of my emotions but me. I can choose whether to feel guilty or not, especially if I have done nothing wrong. People will try, but this is a form of manipulation and passive-aggression. Don't buy into it! You did nothing wrong and therefore have *nothing!* to feel guilty about. You did not do anything to hurt your Loved One (LO). Your LO may be feeling sad, lonely, and neglected because you (quite rightly) took some needed time to yourself, but that's just too bad. She doesn't get to own you 24/7. And you are not responsible for how she chooses to feel about you doing that! When she tells you she felt sad, blue, lonely, or neglected during your absence, you might respond by saying something like, "Oh really? That's too bad." And then change the subject. Because just as she is not responsible for your emotions, so you are not responsible for hers. Detach. Good luck! And enjoy your time off, everybody is entitled to it. 😉💖

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Desert,

That’s true. No one can make us feel guilty. Oh, can they try though! I haven’t mastered how not to let it drive me crazy. Know what I mean?

Changing subject doesn’t work with her so I end up having to walk out of the room.

(4)

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How could she have been bored with her two daughters with her. I think there is some controlling here. Mom, I need some time to myself every so often. I take you places but there are times I need to do something for me. I wouldn't say I am sorry. That's an addmission of guilt.

I really think that parents need to understand that we have lives too. Were they with us 24/7. No, we went to school, had activities. If they wanted to go out they got babysitters. Are we really suppose to spend every minute with a parent we r caring for. Not even husbands and wives should spend every minute together. We all need time to wind down, get away.

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JoAnn,

I adore this answer! Our parents do expect a lot. I am going to read this answer over and over for me! Thanks!

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I think they get attached to one person and when that person is not there they feel lonely. No disrespect intended but our beloved dog was like this. The house could be full of people but only my dh mattered to her. Waiting patiently by the door until he returned and yes, sometimes a little distant even when he got home. When my daughter was a small child she would do the same when we went on a trip without her. She’s bonded with you in a different way than them. The sisters could have taken her out and I bet she would have still missed you. Hopefully your sisters aren’t offended by her not enjoying her time with them as much as you. And if anything, you probably need to go out more often, not less, so that it’s not so unusual to her to be without you.

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97,

So true! My mom has always been closest to me. I don’t think she intentionally tries to make me miserable. She just feels closest to me, not even realizing that her feeling of being closest to me can sometimes be a burden to me.

We do bond with certain people more than others. I dated lots of people and enjoyed their company but my husband stole my heart.

I overlook her comments or silence because I love her so much. When I reach my limit I have to explain to her that I have needs to. I try to do so as calmly as I can but I am human and make mistakes too. Sometimes I am frustrated and not as kind as I should be. She will then agree with me and say that she is sorry. I tell her that I am sorry for raising my voice.

She is more passive aggressive, haha, never raises her voice so she can say to me that she NEVER raises her voice at others. That drives me crazy! I would rather someone tell me off than be passive aggressive. Anyway, pet peeve, I suppose.

I tell her that all of us make mistakes, misunderstandings occur at times, and so forth. It’s sad that we put so much pressure on each other to be perfect. No one can be perfect.

We are going to screw up and all we can do is start over. Makes no sense at all to beat ourselves up. We can feel badly about something to motivate ourselves to improve, but if our guilt ends up hurting ourselves then it has the opposite effect, self abuse. No good can come out of that.

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You learn to love yourself....and care for yourself accordingly. Don't let it bring you down. Take your Mom out when you can, it'll get better.

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I’ve been in charge of f/t caring for my 89 yr old mother since Feb 2017. I have hired help so I get a lot of this almost daily but I remember the roles have reversed. It’s not her fault and the mother that raised me would be appalled at her own behavior if she could see it. I tell her & myself that she lived a good life, she took her trips, she got together with friends. I can only stay sane through this if I do the same. I do take her out & laugh with her but not 24/7. It’s hard not to feel guilty but you have to analyze the situation & not accept blame that’s not deserved. Be objective and think if you have a child & you couldn’t help acting this way would you want them to feel guilty & stop living? I know my sane mother wouldn’t want that. Tell yourself what you would tell a friend in this situation. I’m always amazed we are kinder to our friends than to ourselves.

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Dear Beejaycee, I deal with similar guilt when I go out to play and don’t bring mom along. When I remember her complaint is a bid for empathy and can say with real complassion “oh it must be a long lonely day here at home” or something similar, mom feels validated for her own feelings and then can have compassion for me and my need to be independent of her. This is hard to remember to do when I feel the need to defend myself. It is simple and effective when I can really be there in the moment with her. Good luck.

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Good advice. A perfect example of being assertive but not aggressive.

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I can’t take any time for myself y mother has been living with us for over 3 years and I didn’t plan on this I was 47 years old when she started living with us now I’m 50 years old and I have my own health issues. She has nothing wrong with her physically. I’m sick to death of this.

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I so understand this. My mother has lived with me since 2001. I was 41 at the time. I got remarried in 2009. My husband, who is a saint, knew it was a buy one get one free package. I don't know if I could have done it for all these years. She is now 89 and was diagnosed with Stage 3b lung cancer. I am her primary caregiver, but my brother and sister come in for a couple days a week. I am so sick of this as well. My husband and I have never had a normal marriage. Never just us. I look forward to the day when we can have our own place with noone but us. She is extremely passive aggressive and OCD. She is not an easy person to deal with. My siblings can come for a couple days then leave. I can't do that. It is wearing on me massively. I feel like I am going crazy at time.

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I think you taking time for yourself is wonderful it’s good for your nerves it’s good for your mental health is good for everyone around you including your mom because it refreshes you gives you a new outlook it makes you feel better and when you’re happy and you feel better you can take care of someone better so do it do it often as you need

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What!!!??? Your mom was bored although she spent the day with her other two daughters? That is very manipulative behavior of her's designed to make you feel badly. Shame on her. See it for what it is and do not let that be an excuse to not get out and have time for herself. You will need to get a thick skin and learn to let this type of behavior roll off your back. She will survive your absence and if she wants to pout so be it. Once she sees it doesn’t change your behavior, and she isn’t rewarded for it, she will realize it doesn’t work. Plan more outings. She can read, watch TV or talk with her lovely daughters. Once we realize that only they are responsible for their happiness and not us, we will cope better.
you do not mention in your profile if she has dementia. If she does then the tactic mentioned above is a good statement. Validation and empathy but do not give away your right to good mental health by not taking breaks.

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Great response!!!

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If you don't take time for yourself and become totally "worn out" from you daily care of her, who will be there for her.

You NEED rest days to continue.

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She is being MANIPULATIVE, just like children do. Don't buy into it.
Do it regularly to keep your sanity and avoid burnout. Same time each week will develop a routine for you. She'll get used to it.

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Hi Bee,

The sentiment I see most often from former caregivers when their caregiving has come to an end is "I wish I took more time for myself." I try to remember that every time I leave the house and leave mom with someone else.

YOU have to take time for you, it is a non-negotiable. Maybe if you switched the perspective a little from "mom was unhappy" to "mom was safe." Sometimes you're not going to get happy from them, but as long as they are safe you are doing your job.

Hang in there and keep trying, it will get easier.

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My mother ia almost the opposite, she plays the mytra. Honry please go get time for time for yourself, then when i return abd ask how was her day, oh i just s lk ept what else could i do. Then the answer to every question ou s whayever is easier for you, Drives me crazy. For days even weeks this goes pn. Do you want coffee it tea, what ever is easier for you.

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Try replying sweetly saying, "why thank you mother, how thoughtful of you"., do this each time she replies with "whatever is easy for you". I'm 65 and I can see by reading these questions how hard it is for children taking care of parents. Honey you're a good person, but remember to take care of yourself first. You can't help others if you're depleted. I hope by reading these sounding boards when it comes time for my children to help me, I'll remember these and be kind to my children. God bless you, and take time for you!💕

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This issue is spot on for me, so thanks for bringing it up. And THANKS for all the helpful responses.

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Care giving will likely get more challenging. This means that taking care of yourself is more important than ever. You have become your mother's go-to, and even though she likely loves your sisters, she feels comfort with you. It's natural I think. But if you have decided to be her care giver for the long haul, you must take care of yourself. I don't know whether your family dynamic is ready for this or not, but perhaps asking your sisters for help more often, will also help from a variety of angles. It will help your sisters understand what's necessary for the ongoing care of your mother, and it will possibly help your mother eventually get used to help from others. Do take care of yourself. You're wonderful, and you're worth it.

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And I would add to this that by letting your sisters partake more often in giving you a day out, she will become used to that being the way it is. I think you should have at least one standing day a week where they or one of them stays with her while you get a break. Certainly not to much to ask of them. And then mom will be used to it after a regular routine. Give yourself something to look forward to and be refreshed.

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You need time to your self. It keeps you somewhat same. I still would continue to go on outings. Right now they are like kids. Don't ever feel guilty doing something for you.

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Was it our wise Barb who said here once that guilt is for those who’ve done something wrong? You’ve done the right thing by taking time for yourself, and the answer is to do it more often. It’ll help both you and your mom. Talk to sisters about how to make this happen

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I said that once but it doesn’t matter because that IS the actual definition. I wish we’d all learn to lose the word guilt from our vocabulary. It doesn’t belong there. Replace with obligation, sadness etc...but not guilt.

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I found out years ago that if you find ways to make yourself happier you can take better care of someone else. Do nice things for yourself including going out. When Mom says something to guilt you about your not being there --- Do something very nice for her, do her nails, give her a neck massage, get her a cup of her favorite ice cream. Then plan your next outing. Do you !! then you can have peace taking care of her. Trust me this can work Gena

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You HAVE to get out of the house once in awhile for your own peace of mind and to take care of YOU in order to do a better job of taking care of your loved one! It happened to me as well when my grams lived with us. It’s hard but you need to get past the guilt and realize that getting out once in awhile just as important for your health and wellness as taking care of her is for her!

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Keep telling yourself you can not be a good caregiver if you don't take care of YOU!

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In all of the 12-Step programs, they would call you an "enabler" for allowing your Mother to make you feel guilty.

Yes, sad as it sounds, you are allowing her to make you feel guilty. Stand up to her, you're not a child anymore. It's only difficult the first time, then it gets easier.

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I have had this same exact battle. It’s tough no matter what you do. For me I was falling into such a deep depression and getting so upset that my life was no longer my own. I had to MAKE time for myself or I was going to be no good to help my mom. I made time once or twice a month to go get my nails done. As small as that sounds it gave me something to look forward too. I also sat down with my mom and talked with her and told her that I absolutely have to have some time for myself. I’m literally at her beck and call 24/7 work a full time job have four sons and a boyfriend so my time is extremely precious to me. I have told my mom on several occasions... time is the only thing you can never get back, you can’t return it, and it’s value is priceless. At the end of the day the resentment that will build up in you over not getting your time to your yourself will be much more damaging then dealing with the silent treatment. My mom has done the silent treatment with me and it used to really hurt me. I’ve had to get tough with her and my own self and take contrary action. She knows now if she does that I’ll just let her be silent... by herself. It’s taken about two years for us to adjust and get into a good routine with each other. This is just how I feel and my opinion of things but I pray it will help you. You truly deserve time to yourself without guilt. Whether you want to sit in a room by yourself for a while or go out for the day. This was a VERY hard thing for me to get used to but I’m so happy I did. You will be in my prayers. Stay strong you can do this.

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I have been in your shoes! In my situation family is not nearby and I brought in a caregiver 2 afternoons/week. I'm a pretty sensitive person and mom's comments (similar to your mother's) made me feel guilty and question if it was worth it. Here's how I got past that feeling:
First I remembered my promise to myself at the beginning of all this which is to prioritize my own self-care. You can't pour freon an empty cup.
I also realized that some situations require me to respond purely as her full time caregiver and not as her daughter. That was a big one! Finally, I had to understand that in the end, mom is fine. I redirect the conversation. Sometimes I bring something back for her (a pastry, a decorative pillow, new coloring book, etc) so that she knows I was thinking about her while I was out. Lastly, it's ok to tell a white lie if you think it will help her to feel better about you going out (a DDS appt or helping a friend paint.) Do what you need to do- remind yourself caregiving is a big job! She loves you, ok your turn. 😊

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What a great approach — respond as a caregiver & not the daughter.

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This is interesting because the problem isn’t just social interaction, it also involves, in my humble opinion, the structure which has been developed in your self-conscientiousness regarding your mother. All your life the relationship with your mother has shaped your self-conscientious until your relationship has become “second nature”, i.e. you react and follow through without really being aware of it in your conscious thought processes.
Consequently, a lot of what you feel in this situation is not just a simple guilt feeling, you have dared to go against your basic self-conscientious feelings regarding your mother, and now you are paying for it. No amount of logic will counteract what you feel.
I don’t exactly know how to get around this situation, other than to suggest you treat it as a habit that you must break, i.e. keep going out as much as you can and eventually it won’t bother you as much as it does now.

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Forget the guilt. What would she do if something happened to you? It is better to let sisters or paid caregiver come more often so she can get used to being with someone other than you. Just like a child - not good for them to be totally dependent on just one person (or for your world only to include her).

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You have to take time out. If you don't you will get burned out and maybe have some bitterness towards your mother and that is nothing you want in the midst. Explain to her that some times you need quality alone time, not because you want to get away from her or that you don't love her but because you do love her you need to re energize yourself so you can give her the Best You.

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It's called recharging your battery. What good after you going to be to Mom or yourself if you go until you are useless.
I'd schedule a day like this weekly if possible. Work it out with Mom or just tell her this is what's happening. Explain its personal time for you and her. Running errands, your going rp tour own appointments, shopping,etc.
Could do an entire day or 2 half days. She needs to get used to this because things will only get harder for all. Someday she won't understand and might not ever understand and then you just go.
You have earned your time off my dear. Take it and keep your sanity.
Afterall, Nurses even get days off.

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Remember that you are part of the cycle of life and our elderly parents are back to the childhood stage. With this comes the teenager stage or toddler stage. (thinking they know best and temper tantrums, etc.) You love them. They love you. AND you are in the middle of the normal power struggles between people who love each other. DO NOT stop taking time for yourself because of her actions when you get home. She will figure out the buttons to push and craziness will set in after 2 or 3 years. Since she apologized for being pouty, this means she understands her behavior at this time. Tell her a day or two in advance of your plans, let her know the activities/visits/phone calls you have set up. Let her know you know she will be sad being alone. COMMUNICATE with her before you leave for the day. When you come home, let her know how much you missed her and how much you hoped she was OK while you were gone. Tell her all about your day while you were alone. If she gives you the silent treatment, IGNORE IT. She will figure out soon enough that her behavior will get her nowhere with you and she is just making the time you do have together worse and she will change. You can't change her, but you can change how your respond to her. Once again, DO NOT LET HER BEHAVIOR CHANGE THE TIME YOU NEED FOR YOURSELF. If you let this happen, burnout will happen and you have seen it a lot on this site, worse things will happen that is far worse then the "silent treatment at night" and her pouting that you left for the day.".

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How do you handle the guilt from taking some time for yourself?

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