I managed to have a whole day out yesterday with 2 of my sisters filling in to stay with Mom in my absence. She loves being with them, but when I came home I got the silent treatment, and it went on through the evening. When I asked what was wrong she said she was so bored from staying at home all day. At bedtime she apologized for being “pouty” with me. I told her it was all right and we would make tomorrow a better day. She then offered she had been blue and lonely from being home all day. I do so much for her willingly and keep her engaged with activities she can still do, outings as often as we can, etc. Today I feel it wasn’t worth it to leave her with how low I feel this morning. After almost 4 years of caregiving, this has happened before, but not to this degree. I’m sure this is normal, but how do you handle similar situations?
Why should you feel guilty? Is she old because you did it? Sick due to you? Life is life, being willing to help is one thing but when someone demands you give up any semblance of a normal life for them, that’s not healthy.
My my mother is a narcissist so a pro at manipulating. For me the easiest way to handle it is pretend she’s a toddler. If my grandchild did something to get her way how would I react? I wouldn’t give in, I’d stand my ground but I’d do it without yelling or screaming. I may bring her a trinket back( a fancy dessert or something) but I’d still go.
You can do it and after you do this a couple of times, I think you will be more at peace and she will stay within her boundaries. Good luck.
Remember, whenever that grimmy, dirty, greasy, tool called guilt beckons you to pick it up, stop; look at it for what it is, and throw it back. Tell it, naw, no thanks, I think I'll use the good tool of love instead.
In my situation, Mom is more and more not wanting to go out, and I have a choice of either not going, also, or take some time to myself, enjoy, and come back home a bit more refreshed. If it's at the end of the day, Mom goes to bed. I retire to my bedroom and watch something funny on Netflix, go to sleep, and wake up a bit more refreshed tomorrow.
It is hard sometimes to separate yourself away, but if you do not, you both will be depressed. BUT if you can alienate yourself from that depressing "GUILT", you will be more refreshed and better able to care for your mom the next day, and so on.
That said, when Mom was like this with me, I realized part of it was because she was accustomed to me being there so much. I had to get her accustomed to more than me being there for her. Please don’t do it once in a while — do it weekly. Perhaps instead of your 2 sisters being there together, have each come separately & on different days every week. That way, if you won the lottery & went on an around-the-world cruise, Mom would be accustomed to others. Nice thought, the cruise, right?
I'd schedule a day like this weekly if possible. Work it out with Mom or just tell her this is what's happening. Explain its personal time for you and her. Running errands, your going rp tour own appointments, shopping,etc.
Could do an entire day or 2 half days. She needs to get used to this because things will only get harder for all. Someday she won't understand and might not ever understand and then you just go.
You have earned your time off my dear. Take it and keep your sanity.
Afterall, Nurses even get days off.
Consequently, a lot of what you feel in this situation is not just a simple guilt feeling, you have dared to go against your basic self-conscientious feelings regarding your mother, and now you are paying for it. No amount of logic will counteract what you feel.
I don’t exactly know how to get around this situation, other than to suggest you treat it as a habit that you must break, i.e. keep going out as much as you can and eventually it won’t bother you as much as it does now.
First I remembered my promise to myself at the beginning of all this which is to prioritize my own self-care. You can't pour freon an empty cup.
I also realized that some situations require me to respond purely as her full time caregiver and not as her daughter. That was a big one! Finally, I had to understand that in the end, mom is fine. I redirect the conversation. Sometimes I bring something back for her (a pastry, a decorative pillow, new coloring book, etc) so that she knows I was thinking about her while I was out. Lastly, it's ok to tell a white lie if you think it will help her to feel better about you going out (a DDS appt or helping a friend paint.) Do what you need to do- remind yourself caregiving is a big job! She loves you, ok your turn. 😊
Yes, sad as it sounds, you are allowing her to make you feel guilty. Stand up to her, you're not a child anymore. It's only difficult the first time, then it gets easier.
The sentiment I see most often from former caregivers when their caregiving has come to an end is "I wish I took more time for myself." I try to remember that every time I leave the house and leave mom with someone else.
YOU have to take time for you, it is a non-negotiable. Maybe if you switched the perspective a little from "mom was unhappy" to "mom was safe." Sometimes you're not going to get happy from them, but as long as they are safe you are doing your job.
Hang in there and keep trying, it will get easier.
Do it regularly to keep your sanity and avoid burnout. Same time each week will develop a routine for you. She'll get used to it.
You NEED rest days to continue.