My wife and I took in her mother 6 months ago because she fell a lot. We felt it was the best thing to do, but now I want her gone! The issue is that she is always in the way. She insists on doing things HER way. We have to plan our meals around her. We have to plan our times away around her. If we don't include her, she pouts. In addition, my wife has developed mixed connective tissue syndrome and is constantly in pain. Yet, her mother feels she should shuttle her everywhere and constantly lift her walker in and out of the car. My wife and I are both around 60 and still work, yet she thinks my wife should spend more time with her taking her shopping and driving around. She hates our pets and puts trash bags on her chair so she won't get any cat hair on her! She is very, very slow. She has a lot of water retention in her legs and has to use a walker. She claims she is an independent woman but has to have us to take her places. Oh, she will wash her own laundry and dishes but get in our way so much, we don't have the opportunity to keep up with our OWN dishes and laundry. She insists on going to the store. My wife and I no longer have "us" time. Our whole home is now operating on what she wants. Despite having the mobility issues, she insists she will drive again when she's already had a few minor accidents but won't give up her car. My wife and I...we've prayed, we've cried, we've cussed and fussed and have just about thrown our hands up. Her mom keeps saying "don't you put me in a (nursing) home", so we feel stuck with this woman who will not compromise in any way about anything except HER way!
The right thing to do now is give her a reasonable move out date, doctors orders for your wife who's NOT to have any stress in her life, and then tour some Assisted Living places for her to select. Her choice. AL offers her autonomy which is a beautiful thing, and socialization w elders her own age who she can kvetch with at the horrrrrrible dinners they serve the poor souls every night which aren't enough to fill a cavity. Meanwhile, you'll notice her behind widening like a bread delivery truck from all that horrrrible food! 😂🤣😁
My mother lived her best life in AL where she could put on the Ritz for others and spare her family the bitter histrionics she'd never display for strangers.
Take your lives back now. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for ANY of us. Live life on YOUR terms while you have that opportunity. Mom will be better than fine in her own place, trust me.
This would be my reply.
Well Mother, it's YOUR life.
It's up to YOU where you live (from the available, suitable & affordable options).
Either in your own place alone - or a group living type of place.
We offered to put you up as a temporary arrangement but it is time for longer term plans now.
We all age. We all will need more help as we age. It is a big adjustment to make, but you will. You are not alone - we can help you find solutions - but we cannot be your ONLY support or solutions.
We can help you to find what options are available to you. Let's call our local council Aged Care office to start with.
That's the long version..
Expect tantrums.
Expect tears.
Expect manipulation.
Expect to have this conversation at least 6 times. (Was told that by a professional councellor).
Keep the focus on the future plan. A plan that works for ALL of you.
Simplify the message to MIL as you need: *Finding you a new home*. Keep on with that message until the task is done.
You need to stop saying "We have to...." because NO you do NOT have to. She is NOT the boss. This is your house, not hers. And you are all adults and she does not have the right to take over your house and try to control you.
Do some research on setting boundaries and start enacting some ASAP. Again, she'll bitch and moan but so what. It'll be annoying but it's annoying now so I would start changing things immediately.
If you want her to move out, you are going to have to be firm about it. You can still be kind but very firm and no backing down. Don't let her ruin your lives and your marriage.
Best of luck.
My mom lived to be 95. She had Parkinson’s disease and fell quite a bit, so I totally relate to your posting.
I certainly feel your pain.
My mother was independent when she was younger and it definitely hurt her to become dependent on others for help. I understand this. We all want to remain as independent as long as possible.
I asked my mother when my father died if she would like to move in with us. She said, “No, the house is paid for and I would like to stay here as long as I can.” I respected her decision.
She didn’t have as many Parkinson’s symptoms earlier in her life. Her doctor did tell her not to continue driving. So, I took her to her doctor appointments and other errands.
When hurricane Katrina destroyed her home, she became instantly homeless and we took her into our home. At this point, we were all devastated and all I wanted to do was to comfort my mom.
As you know, too much togetherness in a family for longer periods of time can become very stressful. It’s difficult.
As someone who has been in your shoes, I sincerely encourage you to speak to your wife and ask her to tell her that she needs to live in a facility.
Let me tell you what my husband told me one day when I was discussing the situation with him. He said, “Honey, your mom complains if you don’t do what she asks of you. She complains if you do everything that she asks of you. So, why are you doing it?” He was right!
Of course, people are going to be afraid of the unknown. Plus, they have memories of nursing homes from way back that weren’t so nice.
My mom died in an ‘end of life’ hospice care home which was lovely. She received excellent care. She adored her nurse and aides. They were so kind to her.
Mom was actually relieved that her children were no longer burdened with her care. She had been praying for a solution for everyone.
She acclimated beautifully to her new surroundings. In time your mother in law will too. If she doesn’t, oh well…we don’t get everything we want in life.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
Your mother in law says she’s independent , but really she isn’t . She has you and your wife doing things to help maintain her lifestyle .
It is your home, it is reasonable to have expected that your mother in law try to be more cooperative and less demanding since you were helping her .
You will have to have frank discussions , set boundaries . If mother in law doesn’t like the conditions that you set then she goes to live somewhere else.
Do not give up your lives like so many of us have. You and your wife’s lives. health and happiness are your number one priority. You don’t have to stop living your life .
The fact is your mother in law is losing some of her independence . But it’s her age that is taking that away . Remember that when she accuses you of taking away her independence when you refuse to follow her schedule or respond to her demands . You don’t have to do everything she wants .
If she does not like the conditions at your home she can go live elsewhere . If you would rather just not have her living with you. Tell her that it’s not working out and she needs to go live somewhere else. Maybe independent living or assisted living .
What are MIL's finances? Where was she living before she moved in? Is there a house to sell?
Are there other siblings? Does your wife have POA/HCPOA? It seems like your wife can't make any decisions for her mother, as she is still mentally competent?
Does your wife want her mother to move out? Can she withstand the (probable) bullying from her mother when the idea is presented? (It seems like the "don't you put me in a nursing home" order is just one of many orders that MIL gives your wife.)
Not so, be honest tell her this is not working and she either has to go into AL or find herself an apartment.
It is not about what she wants it is about what you and your wife need. You are entitled to a life of your own.
I wish people would join a site like this before they take a family member in, they would learn a lot and be able to make an informed decision.
She could live for another 10+ years, then what? My mother is 98.
Do something now, set your boundaries and roll with them.
No one has ever died from pouting.
Learn to say no.
Then, say yes to all of the brilliant advice you’ve been given here.
If no one is her PoA and she doesn not have a diagnosis of cognitive impairment then your home is her legal residence and she cannot be extricated unless she is evicted, or she has a medical incident which lands her in the hospital... at which point you don't take her home because she is an "unsafe discharge" -- and then she goes directly to rehab and then a facility.
Stop fearing her reactions to things. Dementia robs people of their logic and reason, their inhibitions and self-awareness, their empathy for others, their judgment, etc. Stop waiting for her to accept anything. Do what is right and best for your marriage and lives. You did the best at the time by moving her in. This was kind and merciful! But, temporary! Now should come the permanent solution for all involved. I wish you courage and wisdom as you move forward.
https://www.charterbowlinggreen.com/
The point is that you and your wife aren't going to "put" your MIL anywhere. You don't have the power to do that even if you wanted to, because your MIL is a competent adult who makes her own decisions.
But no one has the right to decide they're going to live in somebody else's house, and if you and your wife are united in wanting her mother to move out then it becomes your MIL's choice to decide where *else* she is going to live. If you have some ideas ready, ideally places you've been to see and even better know people who can vouch for them, it can be a positive choice that will make everybody happier, including her.
You mention having to drive her around a lot, don't. There is no reason she needs to go shopping constantly. See if your County office of Aging has Senior bussing. If so, sign her up and tell her call them when she wants to shop. Find out if Dr visits are necessary. My Moms Dr had her coming back every 2 months. Other than blood pressure and cholesterol meds Mom was healthy I stopped that. Learn to say the word No.
Your life should not be centered around Mom. She lives with you. If you eat at 7, she eats at 7. If you want to go out and she doesn't, go out. As my DH always says "there's peanut butter and jelly". At the time my Mom stopped driving, I became her chauffeur. We sold her car. I set boundries without knowing I was. I was lucky because I worked p/t. I picked a day we would be going shopping and run errands. Once a week we took her out with us for dinner. We met other people there so it was socialization for her. All of my family knows you do not call me at work unless an emergency. I was not at my Moms beck and call. If she needed something thru the week, if not an emergency, I did it when I was out and about. Dr appts were made at my convenience.
If you don't think setting some boundries will work than tell her "this is not working". If she has money find that nice AL. If she still has her home, sell that and the car for her care. Wanting to shop may be because she is bored. At an AL she will have socialization, activities and outings. Or if you have just had it, place her. No one person should be able to control two peoples lives like this.
She is able to make her own decisions and made the decision to move into your home, I assume you didn’t twist her arm so now that she’s feeling so much more self sufficient, less in need of help it’s perfectly reasonable to sit down and talk to her about what her next step is. You will never leave her high and dry but now that she’s better (according to her) you really need your independence back so what is she thinking she would like to do next? Give her the autonomy without giving her your house as her option. Offer to help find the rite situation but the decision is going to be hers. This will likely take multiple discussions but being proactive maybe before and certainly after each about finding options to present her is important. Your wife, her daughter should probably take the lead on all of this with you there to back her up and help diffuse any objections but remember the best way to diffuse may be making sure MIL feels she has the control, she does with her life just not with yours.
Personally I would try this before taking a firm line or “forcing” a placement since it doesn’t sound like anyone could do that anyway since she isn’t incompetent mentally. She may be slower to react and think about things but that doesn’t mean she isn’t able to do so. Now when it comes to driving her reaction time is a different story but for now and maybe forever you have the cover of her doctor saying she isn’t able to drive yet but no harm as she’s considering where to live in suggesting she consider the probability that down the line sometime she will probably have to stop driving so might as well plan for that by selecting someplace that is accessible (or in the case of retirement housing, IL, AL has transportation available.
Once you're all sitting down and you have her undivided attention, start with a clear statement about how your current living situation is no longer working because of the size of your house, your wife's health and your own. And that you and your wife will help her figure out her finances, set a budget for herself, and find the best place that she can afford.
Be ready for her reaction to be not good. Stick to the facts - that your wife is unwell, that your house is too small for 3 adults - and that this decision that you and your wife have made regarding her living with you is not up for discussion.
Also be ready to have this discussion on a weekly basis as you find more possible places for her to live and schedule a tour. You have to make this real for her because she cannot drive and she will not pick up the phone and make these appointments for herself. You will have to drive this change!
I see LOTS of senior apartments in Bowling Green. Get her on the list for all of the ones within her price range. And when one is available, take her to sign the lease and help her move in. Acknowledge that this will be a huge change for her but that it is necessary.
She's a senior brat. Same as a kid brat and you deal with them the same way.
No. The OP's wife does not have to get a doctor's note saying that she cannot be a slave to her mother.
Please. The OP needs to tell his MIL that no will be humoring her anymore.
That either she cuts the crap and learns to live by their rules with respect and within the boundaries they set, or she will be getting placed elsewhere.
End of story.
I gently suggest researching senior housing and gather a few options for “independent” MIL to have her own space. Then comes the talk. Most importantly, you need be united as a couple as Mom will go easy. Try to look ahead to calmer days. You both certainly deserve it.
You deal with a senior brat the same way you deal with a kid one.
I don't know if you have any kids of your own but even if you don't ask yourself this question.
How long would I put up with my MIL's behavior if it was coming from a child?
Answer:
All of five minutes. You put up with it from an adult half that long.
MIL gets told TODAY that either she shapes up or she ships out. When she says 'jump' you and your wife don't say 'how high'.
You and your wife say, 'when I'm damn well ready and if you ask again the answer will be no'.
Make sure she really knows that the nursing home will ALWAYS be an option. In fact, I would even suggest that you strategically place pamplets from different nursing homes and residential LTC facilities in areas of the house where she is sure to see them. Visual reminders may be just what she needs to keep her in line and respecting boundaries.
That if she gets too stubborn, too pushy, too entitled, or too fussy you and your wife will not hesitate to place her.
Starting today, she gets a bedtime. We will for our overly-sensitive forum members call it a 'retirement time'. At a certain time of night (set by the two of you), MIL retires to her bedroom. She doesn't have to go to sleep. She can watch tv, read, go online, take up knitting - whatever. She stays in her room though. The kitchen is closed to her. The rest of the house save the bathroom is closed to her. No one talks to her after hours because it's not her time.
It is your time with your wife.
Lay down the law with her today, my friend. If she will not live by your rules and be respectful of your boundaries in the home, then she will be calling another place home. Stay strong.
If you decide to keep her in your home then I would set boundaries by starting with a calendar. On this calendar you write in the day of the week you take her to the store, out to lunch, whatever. Even schedule the day she is allowed to do her laundry. Try to bunch a few things together on one day. Schedule it. Then when she makes a request to be taken somewhere NOW you tell her to check the calendar for her day to be taken out. The free spaces on the calendar are for you and your wife for work and time together. If she throws a fit you say, well there is always option 2 if you don’t like this arrangement but we will not continue to be run around ragged in our own home.
Set the boundaries that you are comfortable with and demand that your MIL abide by them. You may have to remind her over and over again because like a child, she may continually test them.
Be strong and don't let her reactions sway you. You're providing a safe, caring home for your MIL - you don't have to become her servants or care slaves.
2. Speak with her PCP about the dynamics and, have her assessed for cognitive status.
3. Be sure that POA status is in place so that decisions can be made if and when necessary for her well being as well as your and your wife's.
4. If you or she has affiliation with a faith community, you may try having the pastor come to your home to witness and be a part of a conversation with the mother in law about everyone 's needs, well being, boundaries, expectations and, options. This may or may not be possible or pleasant given the description you have provided.
Nevertheless it is a needed starting point conversation to move forward toward you and your wife's well being and, the mother in law's needs.
5. It is natural and many many people hear the same ranting from family members about " nursing homes". Have the PCP assess her for " level of care needs". That way you have the professional input as to whether she is " independent", " assisted living" or " skilled care" status.
6. You may also need and want to explain to her and the PCP about your wife's illness and, inability to meet the caregiving demands of the mother in law. Explain to her that for her( mother in law's) " safety" it is best to look into placement for her so that all her needs can be met and, you will all know she is being cared for as you and your wife are not physically able to do so.
7. If all else fails, you can always call APS, Adult Protective Services, and report the situation of her ranting and raving and, seek their advice. ( May or may not help)
8. If she is in one of her ranting episodes, call 911, have her transported to ER for assessment and, speak with Social Worker or Case Manager at that time about placement.
Elderly folks often grieve getting old and fear changes. Anger and attempting to ' control's the situation can often beca part of their demanding behaviors.
You plan based on you and your family's needs considering Mother's needs.
YOU do not cater to her. You politely explain once how things are going, i.e., we are eating dinner at xxx o'clock. We'll let you know when its ready ... or 'we are taking you to xxx medical appointment. We'll let you know when to be ready).
YOU set boundaries and stick to them.
You are not stuck unless you believe you are. You haven't set any boundaries with her so she is running the ship. You need to dock your ship.
Lastly, why are you catering to her and allowing her to dictate everything going on in YOUR home? This is about you and your wife allowing her to run YOUR household. "IF" you want to be helpful to your MIL, you need to compassionately set boundaries - for her wellbeing and safety. Period.
You do not engage in any argument.
She is, of course, frustrated, scared, and whatever else.
You calmly respond to her once ... whatever she says.
If you cannot that easily, do reflective listening: "I hear you saying xxx" and then stop. Talk in a calm voice, state your need/what is going to happen then walk away. Do not engage. This is adding fuel to the already ignited fire.
Gena / Touch Matters
One I had to call dept of aging. My mom
One I basically tricked into going to AL. My FIL.
And MIL ( divorced ) up at base will also refuse when we approach the subject. We can’t get her to do POA either.