My wife and I took in her mother 6 months ago because she fell a lot. We felt it was the best thing to do, but now I want her gone! The issue is that she is always in the way. She insists on doing things HER way. We have to plan our meals around her. We have to plan our times away around her. If we don't include her, she pouts. In addition, my wife has developed mixed connective tissue syndrome and is constantly in pain. Yet, her mother feels she should shuttle her everywhere and constantly lift her walker in and out of the car. My wife and I are both around 60 and still work, yet she thinks my wife should spend more time with her taking her shopping and driving around. She hates our pets and puts trash bags on her chair so she won't get any cat hair on her! She is very, very slow. She has a lot of water retention in her legs and has to use a walker. She claims she is an independent woman but has to have us to take her places. Oh, she will wash her own laundry and dishes but get in our way so much, we don't have the opportunity to keep up with our OWN dishes and laundry. She insists on going to the store. My wife and I no longer have "us" time. Our whole home is now operating on what she wants. Despite having the mobility issues, she insists she will drive again when she's already had a few minor accidents but won't give up her car. My wife and I...we've prayed, we've cried, we've cussed and fussed and have just about thrown our hands up. Her mom keeps saying "don't you put me in a (nursing) home", so we feel stuck with this woman who will not compromise in any way about anything except HER way!
I had a similar problem when my Dad moved in. After a few months, we came to an arrangement. At home, my father (90) does laundry on Monday, that's his day. We run his errands on Tuesday; so all doctor appointments, shopping trips, dry cleaning, etc are scheduled for Tuesdays. I do dishes on odd numbered days, he does dishes on even numbered days. Dad has a night out with friends, I drop off and pick up. We go out to eat once a week, his treat (instead of burning the house down trying to cook). We discuss the calendar every two weeks so things don't surprise us. We are flexible for changes as needed. But we don't have the emotional roller coaster of conflicting schedules, or competing power any more.
I suspect some of this is her misplaced need to feel important.
I’d develop a quick response to her perpetual ‘don’t throw me into the briar patch, brer fox’ (AKA nursing home). “This is not your nursing home and you are not the manager”.
Then two or three follow-ups: "Please do what we ask"; “If you want the services of a nursing home, you will have to move”. Write your own extras – “This is our house and to live here, you follow the rules without complaining”. Repeat repeat repeat.
You can’t persuade her to change. What you can do is draw a clear line in the sand, that you all can see, and see if she stops. If she crosses the line, she has had ample warning of the result.
If the old woman was in her own home , and not able to care for herself properly or has signs of dementia and wasn’t safe to live alone, Dept of aging or Adult Protective services can be called to check . They will remove them from the home and place them in AL.
That was the plan for my mother who lived alone . Even though I went over everyday , I knew she wasn’t safe alone the rest of the time . She refused to go to AL . Dept of aging was called , they determined she needed 24 hour supervision . They were due to come back to remove her from the house but Mom ended up in the ER before that and then went to AL from there . While in the hospital they also determined she was not safe to be alone . While in AL My mom finally agreed to see a geriatrician to prove to me that she could go back to her house . Well , nope . She had dementia , no surprise .
But again without a cognitive problem and if this old woman basically takes care of her personal physical needs , it can be difficult . Basically her daughter has to kick her out. But if the woman is not totally independent , including making meals etc. she should be in AL.
My mother used to say she was going to leave AL and I told her she had to figure out how to do that on her own , which never happened.
My Mom eventually ended up in AL with dementia.
Although certainly not laughing at dementia..
My DH likes to go shirtless. He has mentioned he may add pantsless if the future needs it to dislodge adult kids...
Dislodging a MIL may need different tactics!
Agree with her that someday, when she gets better, she'll drive again. You know she won't. She knows she won't. Hell, I know she won't. So why are you about it. Pick your battles. Let go of what you can, change what you can't let go of. You didn't want to leave her home alone and that was very good of you. Now you got this lovely little package in the house, wrap it up pretty and do the best you can with it.
Sometimes the lovely little package in the house needs to be regifted or rehomed for everyone's sake and sanity.