My wife and I took in her mother 6 months ago because she fell a lot. We felt it was the best thing to do, but now I want her gone! The issue is that she is always in the way. She insists on doing things HER way. We have to plan our meals around her. We have to plan our times away around her. If we don't include her, she pouts. In addition, my wife has developed mixed connective tissue syndrome and is constantly in pain. Yet, her mother feels she should shuttle her everywhere and constantly lift her walker in and out of the car. My wife and I are both around 60 and still work, yet she thinks my wife should spend more time with her taking her shopping and driving around. She hates our pets and puts trash bags on her chair so she won't get any cat hair on her! She is very, very slow. She has a lot of water retention in her legs and has to use a walker. She claims she is an independent woman but has to have us to take her places. Oh, she will wash her own laundry and dishes but get in our way so much, we don't have the opportunity to keep up with our OWN dishes and laundry. She insists on going to the store. My wife and I no longer have "us" time. Our whole home is now operating on what she wants. Despite having the mobility issues, she insists she will drive again when she's already had a few minor accidents but won't give up her car. My wife and I...we've prayed, we've cried, we've cussed and fussed and have just about thrown our hands up. Her mom keeps saying "don't you put me in a (nursing) home", so we feel stuck with this woman who will not compromise in any way about anything except HER way!
https://www.charterbowlinggreen.com/
The point is that you and your wife aren't going to "put" your MIL anywhere. You don't have the power to do that even if you wanted to, because your MIL is a competent adult who makes her own decisions.
But no one has the right to decide they're going to live in somebody else's house, and if you and your wife are united in wanting her mother to move out then it becomes your MIL's choice to decide where *else* she is going to live. If you have some ideas ready, ideally places you've been to see and even better know people who can vouch for them, it can be a positive choice that will make everybody happier, including her.
If no one is her PoA and she doesn not have a diagnosis of cognitive impairment then your home is her legal residence and she cannot be extricated unless she is evicted, or she has a medical incident which lands her in the hospital... at which point you don't take her home because she is an "unsafe discharge" -- and then she goes directly to rehab and then a facility.
Stop fearing her reactions to things. Dementia robs people of their logic and reason, their inhibitions and self-awareness, their empathy for others, their judgment, etc. Stop waiting for her to accept anything. Do what is right and best for your marriage and lives. You did the best at the time by moving her in. This was kind and merciful! But, temporary! Now should come the permanent solution for all involved. I wish you courage and wisdom as you move forward.
No one has ever died from pouting.
Learn to say no.
Then, say yes to all of the brilliant advice you’ve been given here.
Not so, be honest tell her this is not working and she either has to go into AL or find herself an apartment.
It is not about what she wants it is about what you and your wife need. You are entitled to a life of your own.
I wish people would join a site like this before they take a family member in, they would learn a lot and be able to make an informed decision.
She could live for another 10+ years, then what? My mother is 98.
Do something now, set your boundaries and roll with them.
What are MIL's finances? Where was she living before she moved in? Is there a house to sell?
Are there other siblings? Does your wife have POA/HCPOA? It seems like your wife can't make any decisions for her mother, as she is still mentally competent?
Does your wife want her mother to move out? Can she withstand the (probable) bullying from her mother when the idea is presented? (It seems like the "don't you put me in a nursing home" order is just one of many orders that MIL gives your wife.)
Your mother in law says she’s independent , but really she isn’t . She has you and your wife doing things to help maintain her lifestyle .
It is your home, it is reasonable to have expected that your mother in law try to be more cooperative and less demanding since you were helping her .
You will have to have frank discussions , set boundaries . If mother in law doesn’t like the conditions that you set then she goes to live somewhere else.
Do not give up your lives like so many of us have. You and your wife’s lives. health and happiness are your number one priority. You don’t have to stop living your life .
The fact is your mother in law is losing some of her independence . But it’s her age that is taking that away . Remember that when she accuses you of taking away her independence when you refuse to follow her schedule or respond to her demands . You don’t have to do everything she wants .
If she does not like the conditions at your home she can go live elsewhere . If you would rather just not have her living with you. Tell her that it’s not working out and she needs to go live somewhere else. Maybe independent living or assisted living .
My mom lived to be 95. She had Parkinson’s disease and fell quite a bit, so I totally relate to your posting.
I certainly feel your pain.
My mother was independent when she was younger and it definitely hurt her to become dependent on others for help. I understand this. We all want to remain as independent as long as possible.
I asked my mother when my father died if she would like to move in with us. She said, “No, the house is paid for and I would like to stay here as long as I can.” I respected her decision.
She didn’t have as many Parkinson’s symptoms earlier in her life. Her doctor did tell her not to continue driving. So, I took her to her doctor appointments and other errands.
When hurricane Katrina destroyed her home, she became instantly homeless and we took her into our home. At this point, we were all devastated and all I wanted to do was to comfort my mom.
As you know, too much togetherness in a family for longer periods of time can become very stressful. It’s difficult.
As someone who has been in your shoes, I sincerely encourage you to speak to your wife and ask her to tell her that she needs to live in a facility.
Let me tell you what my husband told me one day when I was discussing the situation with him. He said, “Honey, your mom complains if you don’t do what she asks of you. She complains if you do everything that she asks of you. So, why are you doing it?” He was right!
Of course, people are going to be afraid of the unknown. Plus, they have memories of nursing homes from way back that weren’t so nice.
My mom died in an ‘end of life’ hospice care home which was lovely. She received excellent care. She adored her nurse and aides. They were so kind to her.
Mom was actually relieved that her children were no longer burdened with her care. She had been praying for a solution for everyone.
She acclimated beautifully to her new surroundings. In time your mother in law will too. If she doesn’t, oh well…we don’t get everything we want in life.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
You need to stop saying "We have to...." because NO you do NOT have to. She is NOT the boss. This is your house, not hers. And you are all adults and she does not have the right to take over your house and try to control you.
Do some research on setting boundaries and start enacting some ASAP. Again, she'll bitch and moan but so what. It'll be annoying but it's annoying now so I would start changing things immediately.
If you want her to move out, you are going to have to be firm about it. You can still be kind but very firm and no backing down. Don't let her ruin your lives and your marriage.
Best of luck.
This would be my reply.
Well Mother, it's YOUR life.
It's up to YOU where you live (from the available, suitable & affordable options).
Either in your own place alone - or a group living type of place.
We offered to put you up as a temporary arrangement but it is time for longer term plans now.
We all age. We all will need more help as we age. It is a big adjustment to make, but you will. You are not alone - we can help you find solutions - but we cannot be your ONLY support or solutions.
We can help you to find what options are available to you. Let's call our local council Aged Care office to start with.
That's the long version..
Expect tantrums.
Expect tears.
Expect manipulation.
Expect to have this conversation at least 6 times. (Was told that by a professional councellor).
Keep the focus on the future plan. A plan that works for ALL of you.
Simplify the message to MIL as you need: *Finding you a new home*. Keep on with that message until the task is done.
The right thing to do now is give her a reasonable move out date, doctors orders for your wife who's NOT to have any stress in her life, and then tour some Assisted Living places for her to select. Her choice. AL offers her autonomy which is a beautiful thing, and socialization w elders her own age who she can kvetch with at the horrrrrrible dinners they serve the poor souls every night which aren't enough to fill a cavity. Meanwhile, you'll notice her behind widening like a bread delivery truck from all that horrrrible food! 😂🤣😁
My mother lived her best life in AL where she could put on the Ritz for others and spare her family the bitter histrionics she'd never display for strangers.
Take your lives back now. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for ANY of us. Live life on YOUR terms while you have that opportunity. Mom will be better than fine in her own place, trust me.