Init2Win Asked May 2021
How do you keep the rest of your family relationships healthy? My mother is not agreeable to having anyone other than myself help her.
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Dates with my husband and family outings have become a memory. I know to keep the rest of my family healthy we need to have the ability to go and do things once in a while. My mother has declined to not being able to do much for herself and I provide the care she needs willingly. When I asked her about having someone else available to help her on the occasion we need to be away for more than a couple of hours she refused and stated that I am just trying to push her off on someone. She has lived with me for 2 1/2 years and in that time I have not left her for more than a few hours. We don't get to celebrate anniversaries or take day trips with our younger daughter anymore and I am made to feel guilty if I try. Help with suggestions.
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I take it there is some dementia at play here and why she's acting this way? Whether that is a factor or not doesn't really matter either. What does matter is that you strike a happy medium between living your own life and caring for your mother. Otherwise, resentment kicks in and everybody loses. Your husband gets angry, you feel pulled at every end, and nobody is happy in the long run. I suggest you set up a regular schedule of caregivers coming into your home so that you have some free time every week beginning now. Get mother used to the new rules immediately. That will give you a chance to go out and have lunch, get your hair done, shop, etc. Plus it will get your mother accustomed to a new person in her life that she will likely become friends with.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down some new rules in your own home so you can take day trips and have some fun!
I assume that it is not safe for her to be alone so whether she likes it or not, a caregiver needs to be introduced into your household. Maybe you need to hire, with her money, someone for a few hours a day a couple times a week to come to the house for your mom to get used to them. Then you can start slipping away during those hours, even if you just go take a walk or do errands. The person can be there to do the dishes and the laundry. And chat with your mom and help her with some basic things and get her a meal. Or whatever you and the caregiver agree upon.
Your mom may not like it, but this really is not about her. It's not all about her, sorry to say. You and the rest of your family matter to and must be given the time and attention they deserve.
Does your mom have dementia or is she "just" selfish?
When she starts with the guilt trip about pushing her off on someone else, yep! That is exactly what I am doing because my family and myself need time with one another. Sorry you don't like it but, I can promise you that you will not like the alternative if you don't stop with the self centered attitude. Everyone in the house matters, all of their needs matter and she can come to terms with that or relocate.
Sounds harsh, yep, but for crying out loud, she has manipulated the situation and you are losing time with your children that you will never have again, the 13 year old trumps her every single time.
The nursing home threat is a very effective tool for family who are caregivers to fussy elders who demand being catered to by one person.
If Mom has money, I would suggest an AL. There will be so much more she can do there. My Mom coukdn't participate in Bingo but she enjoyed sitting and watching people. She loved when they had entertainment. I agree, use her money. If she is considered low income then check out Medicaid for in home.
By the time that I found this forum, I was so fragile, that I felt as if I would break into a million little pieces if I were criticized in any way, shape or form. I was in need of all the comfort I could get. I don’t think I could have even handled helpful, constructive criticism. Criticism was the very last thing I needed at that particular point in my life. No one knows how it feels unless they have walked in our shoes. I had no clue how hard full time caregiving was until I did it myself. You may not feel the impact as deeply as I did because my caregiving years lasted so long.
I was completely exhausted, felt a bazillion other emotions too and was burning out!
We become fragile, lost, develop anxiety and depression as caregivers. Some people are compassionate towards us and throw us a lifeline to hold onto until we are able to get our bearings. Others kick us when we are down, and not understanding at all of what we are going through. It’s a mixed bag of emotions, for sure.
Seeking the help of an objective professional was the most useful thing that I did for myself. My therapist was amazing and he helped me to help myself. Many people on this forum helped me as well. Some of them had been in my shoes and they truly understood. Don’t discount others being able to help because they have never been ‘hands on’ caregivers. Some of these people helped me the most because I was able to see the other side.
Sooner or later, you will find those people that you personally connect with. Take advantage of those connections and learn from their experiences. Later on, you will be able to help others in the same situation.
You need time for yourself. This isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. If not, you will crash and burn. You are equally as important as the one that you are caring for. In order for you to be your best, you have to care for yourself too.
In person caregiver groups are amazing. I participated in one that was led by a social worker. I learned a lot and received helpful information.
In the end, it’s about balance, peace and joy in our lives. We all need this in our lives. Do whatever you need to do to achieve it. Some people continue to be caregivers at home with help. Others choose facility care. There is no ‘right or wrong’ way as long as you find a healthy balance in your life.
Wishing you peace during these challenging times.
If you mean your whole family needs to get away for a few hours, do you have a sibling who can come visit, or a neighbor, or someone from church who can come visit.
My mother has been living with us since June 2018 and for over the last year we have not been comfortable leaving her by herself because she is a fall risk. When I had cataract surgery, I had a friend ( who also helps with cleaning) come clean and keep an eye on Mom. When my husband had a heart attack and was admitted to a hospital 1-1/2 hours away, the same friend came over and sat with mom until my brother (who lives 6-1/2 hours away) could get here.
Mom is now in hospice and we used to have a hospice volunteer who came by every few weeks and we could go out to eat while she was here, but those visits have been suspended for the foreseeable future.
I don't know if your mother is trying to manipulate you or if she's afraid of being left in someone else's care because they can't take care of her like you can, but for your, your family's and especially your mother's sake, try to find a backup, like when my hubby had a heart attack.
Please take care of yourself in addition to those you love.
Thanks for all the suggestions. Considering an appointment with her doctor so they can determine her real needs.
Have you considered putting cameras in various places in her apartment so you can monitor her without actually being there? I have a baby monitor pointed at the head of Mom's bed and take it to my office in the morning so I can see when she starts getting restless and wants to get up, and I take it to the bedroom at night so I can hear if she calls. There is a wifi monitor in the living room area of her space (all 1 room, but separated into living and bed area by furniture). My brother and his wife have access to that camera and can monitor her when they want. It has been helpful for us. If you had a monitor maybe you could see how independent she really can be.
I understand about the senior center failure. Mom refused to go, even though (or maybe because ) she knew an older lady (probably close to 10 years older) who rode the center's bus to and from several times a week. We live in a rural area and it would have been great if she would have gone.
Does your mother do any crafts? Mom used to crochet until she couldn't keep the afghans wide enough (they were triangular) and then she colored for a while but stopped for reasons unknown to us.
I hope you area able to find someone who can watch your mom occasionally so you have some family time together.
She needs a workup by a good Geriatric Psychiatrist (it sounds to me like there is anxiety and long standing mental illness or depre5ssion at play).
Age senility? Who told you that?
This is dementia.
And Guess What? You are paying for the care provider.
Time for some firm boundaries. Mum I will be away from the house and a carer will be hired and paid for with your funds. I do not owe you any explanation as to where I am going or what I am doing. I will no longer be at your beck and call 24/7.
There is no need to feel guilty.
Sometimes our elderly loved ones need a little bit of tough love and a practical lesson about respecting boundaries.
No one ever died because they had a tantrum over not getting their own way.
Your mom has been living with you for 2 1/2 years and you are her sole caregiver.
The fact that you took this on willingly is commendable and you have my deepest admiration for doing so.
I say all the time that caregiving can only be successful when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
It sure sounds to me like your mother is the one setting the terms of the caregiving in your house. When this happens it will lead to resentment, caregiver burnout, and many times risk of elder abuse. No one wants that, but it happens and often. So mom dictating when and where you can go and for how long, stops today.
Mom needs a little tough love from you now. I know how hard it will be for you, but it's for her own good as well as yours. You can put an end to her refusal of allowing anyone but you to take care of her 7 days a week.
This is how. Plan a vacation and arrange suitable care for her. This can be family members taking it in turns to stay at your house with her. Or a paid caregiver willing to take a short term live-in assignment. Or even a respite stay in a nursing home or LTC for the time you'll be away.
Speak to your family first about them helping out to cover the care for her while you and your husband go on a vacation.
Then a few days before you leave tell your mother about it. Where you're going and for how long. Make it clear to her who will be taking care of her and where if you're planning to have her stay somewhere other than your house.
Let her ask questions if she has any, and answer them within reason. Let her fuss about it or complain as much as she wants. Ignore it. No one ever died from fussiness or not getting their own way.
Then let that be the end of it.
No more discussion about it. After you've explained to her and she's asked her questions, the discussing of it is finished.
Then go on your vacation. It will be fine. Your mother will be fine.
Bon Voyage and have a good time! You deserve it.
Even if she has the tiniest of pensions, she needs to be covering her share of the household costs. There are various ways of computing the amount. You can use 30% of her income, this is often used by low income housing to determine rent. You can take your total housing costs, rent/mortgage interest/property taxes/insurance/heat and divide it by the total number of people living in the house, Do the same with the grocery bill and utilities she consumes.
Have her POA documents been prepared?
It is time for you to have a come to Jesus moment with Mum. No more free ride. No more dictating how you spend your time.
You say you will not spend Mum's money on anything she does not agree to, which is valid. But you cannot allow Mum to use not wanting to pay for care to be a club held over your head.
You need to set firm boundaries. Mum, unless you start contributing the household and covering the costs of hired care givers, you will be looking for another place to live. I am not a slave. I have the right to live my life as I see fit.
You are placed in the unfortunate position of having “trained” Mama to use you as SHE has chosen to do so.
If you are going to dissolve into guilty acceptance, sorry, but that’s on YOU, NOT ON MAMA. She’s using the only tool she has, and you’ve accepted that 100%.
”Mom, we have to go out for a couple hours because none of our buggy whips are still worth using, and (husband, daughter) and I want to go to the factory and select our buggy whips ourselves. We’re going to be home before supper. You’ll need some company so Mrs. Haverstraw from Church is coming in around 1 pm, before we leave, and SHE’LL help you use the bathroom and have your snack while we’re out”.
Tell Mom your intentions while you serve her lunch, then let her pout (cry, grumble, etc.) get Mrs. Haverstraw in and settled, THEN LEAVE.
REPEAT a couple times a week, then increase length and frequency of outings.
The “rest of your family relationships” are NOT HEALTHY NOW, and CANNOT BE until you come to terms with the fact that Mama won’t die because you leave for an hour walking around Walmart, AND NO ONE CAN MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY UNLESS YOUARE ALLOWING THEM TO DO SO.
Your mother may well have been a wonderful vibrant active engaged woman when she was younger, but age and illness have stolen that from her. That Does not Giver the right to spend ALL OF YOUR LIFE, or the lives of your OTHER LOVED ONES, from you.
Be brave, be confident, enjoy resuming family activities, and be at peace with the knowledge that “guilt” has NEVER done a single positive thing for anyone it has attempted to consume.
Your mother is an elderly lady who cannot be left alone. She is an elderly lady of limited means. She is an elderly lady who at the very least should see a primary care physician and an opthamologist one a year.
Does she qualify as a single person based on her income ( which I assume is just SS? Have you asked?
Does she pay her share of costs for food and utilities?
Your mother HAS needs and is apparently dictating to you that YOUR wants and needs don't matter.
Has it always been thus?
Eta, just read your update. She needs a new doctor. You can deposit her in respite care. If she won't be reasonable about this, I would tell her she needs to find someplace else to live. Two can play at "unreasonable" as easily as one.
I watched my elderly grandma manipulate my mom ( orctry to) with this forcyears.
"My how you've changed".
"You'll be sorry when I'm gone".
(Insert huge sigh here).
Mom learned to say " Then I guess you'll have to go stay with one of the "boys" (one was an alcoholic, living in a Bowery mission on good days, the other lived far away and was married to HER).
Grandma learned to cooperate. So can your mom.
But you need to stop allowing her to play you.
It's YOUR house and YOUR family. Your rules.
Let her pout.
Fear, anxiety & depression are crippling to all who come in contact with it and are forced to endure it every day. You've exposed yourself, your husband and your children to this now that your mother is a fixture inside of your home and nobody has an escape; mother is holding you ALL hostage now!
Until you put your foot down and say ENOUGH, you'll stay trapped in this cycle of your mother's mental health issues. That's a huge price for your family to pay, isn't it?
Wishing you the best of luck making some well deserved changes in all of your family's lives.
It's a three-way process involving you, the paid worker, and your mother. You will be teaching the worker how your mother likes things done, and you will also be teaching your mother to communicate her key needs to someone who isn't you. As agencies tend to send quite an array of individuals, some of whom she'll take to and some she won't so much, the second part is crucial in making your mother confident that she won't be left helpless in a stranger's hands.
It is always lovely to hear "it's nice to see you" from a client. Less lovely, in fact worrying, is to hear "thank God it's you." At first I found this very disturbing, but now that I know my co-workers better - there is not a single one who does not genuinely care about our clients - I also understand the problem better. I am not doing anything that my co-workers can't do or wouldn't do... if only the client told them what.
So for a while, playing it by ear and seeing how the progress goes, book HCAs to come and assist with your mother's everyday routines. They watch you, then they do it while you watch, then you stay in the house but leave them to it, then you go out for an hour... You get the idea. I won't guess at a timeframe but this is about developing good working relationships with both the agency and the individuals who attend the home. Eventually you should have a small team of people your mother has confidence in and you will finally be able to get proper breaks; and meanwhile at least you'll be able to share the workload.
My Father had to learn this the hard way - but has! 🤩
Mother insisted on him, only him, all day, everyday. Just.not.reaslistic. But alas, with brain changes, she cannot reason that. He, alas, has been trained to please her. But slowly slowly he learnt just what you clearly described. Now.. Mother has her aides, must communicate with them, making a better relationships with them, along with Father's care + he gets some time out = win/win/win.
I have started (baby steps) on DH's side. Oh boy!
SILs are apt to leap up to press a hospital call bell, instead of let MIL to do it. (top of the class in people pleasing & top marks for disabling - unfortunately).
I am encouraging you to see yourself as the bus driver and not the passive passenger in this caregiver journey--one who indeed can toss a passenger off the bus for certain levels of misbehavior.
I understand that you are a dutiful daughter, doing what you've been trained to do, but your child and your marriage MUST come first.
Caregiving only works if it works for all the parties involved.
As I said, your mom needs a new doctor.
I can't understand why a PCP who hears a caregiver talk about loss of skills, depression and anxiety wouldn't make a referral to a geriatrician, a geriatric psychiatrist or a neurologist to do further testing to figure out how to address the issues at hand.
.
I think you can’t avoid some sort of ‘bull by the horns’ approach, and perhaps it’s a case of finding the best option. I’d suggest that for some reason it is necessary for you, DH and at least younger daughter to go away for a weekend together. You tell mother that it’s fixed, and these are the options for her care while you are away. She can hire a carer, and this is the phone number (you can phone, but she is the hirer). She can go into respite care (and the ‘respite’ is for the carer, which is often misunderstood), and this is what it will cost. She can stay in a local hotel, and this is what it will cost. If she chooses to stay at home by herself, “please do your best to stay safe, and keep the phone handy for if you need to call 911”.
Of course there will be ructions. She will probably complain to the doctor (and it might help the doctor to get a better idea of her dependence level). Don’t feel guilty if it’s unsafe – it’s your life or hers, and she is old enough to know better. The current situation is certainly unsafe for you, big time.
Ideas for why it’s necessary to go away (not that you really need an excuse): Younger daughter’s school organised this, and it’s compulsory for parents to take their turn in supervising. Or younger daughter won this in a competition she signed up for, and it will break her heart not to do it (this actually happened to me, when my own younger daughter signed up for every competition at a fair, including for a half price funeral! We actually went on the holiday she won).
Ideas for paying for care: work out the care hours you provide, the cost of accommodation, food and it’s preparation, etc etc etc, and bill mother for them at the going rate. You should be doing this anyway, but probably aren’t at the commercial rate. Use the funds to pay for care, at least some starter care. If mother doesn’t like it, you already have your handy list of the options available for her.
At least this is something to think about. I hope that you can take it from there. Yours, Margaret
Her money should pay for these services if she has any money. Are you using her money now to help with the expense of her cate? If she does not have enough money, it is worth the expense on your part to arrange the time off.
SIL runs to MIL's house every day for some length of time. (45 min, RT) She has her scheduled for grocery delivery, but then has to go to her house to bring the gorceries IN and put them away. So, she really hasn't solved any problem. Dr calls and visits and daily things all fall on SIL.
SIL doesn't complain much, I personally would have cut this off YEARS ago and MIL would be residing in a lovely ALF, but I'm the dreaded in law who is not allowed in the house, much less make any decisions.
I do know that SIL is beyond exhausted and MIL doesn't even see it. She feels fully justified in this babying b/c her kids' father was so awful (he wasn't) and she's exacting her pound of flesh from his kids. SIL feels so abd that he her parents had a terrible marriage and she's trying to 'fix it'.
DH is way on the outside of this. He dislikes his mother and is struggling to find peace with her before she dies (she's 91, but I think will live to 100 and beyond).
The only thing I know is that the fall that breaks her hip is the fall that will land her in a NH. DH is POA and he will enact that if he has to. It will be ugly and hateful--I'm sorry to be so negative, but there is only one way that will go with her.
(A 'Ha! That's why the self-centred behaviour?)
That guy had burnt through his DIL, son & daughter, then tried the grandchildren then started on nephews & nieces. At no time accepted his own aging or accepted his need to adapt. Hope I don't go like that ☹️
Seek a balance. Help your mother remember you are a mother too.