Dates with my husband and family outings have become a memory. I know to keep the rest of my family healthy we need to have the ability to go and do things once in a while. My mother has declined to not being able to do much for herself and I provide the care she needs willingly. When I asked her about having someone else available to help her on the occasion we need to be away for more than a couple of hours she refused and stated that I am just trying to push her off on someone. She has lived with me for 2 1/2 years and in that time I have not left her for more than a few hours. We don't get to celebrate anniversaries or take day trips with our younger daughter anymore and I am made to feel guilty if I try. Help with suggestions.
Even that wasn’t nearly enough, but it was at least a few small breaks and you seriously need that.
In case you do come back, here's my answer your question "How do you keep the rest of the family relationship healthy?"
I keep and protect my marriage and my children from my mother's Alzheimer's disease by moving her out of my home and into her own place. She gets the care she needs from 5 rotating caregivers (me mainly, her sister, 2 paid caregivers, and my brother). Having her in my home and just me taking care of her 24/7 almost destroyed me and my family.
I read (in another thread) that you moved her into your home because of you religious belief that it was the right thing to do. Perhap, that's the best thing and the right thing in your situation. However, it doesn't mean it won't cost you and your family dearly.
So to be.. blunt..
"My Mother is not agreeable to having anyone else help her".
That sums it up & that's OK.
Think about that statement. 'My Mother is not agreeable..' It's OK Mother feels that way. She may be nervous about others, may not trust them (yet) or can't communicate well with them (yet), she trusts YOU. You understand her so it's easier for HER to have only you. But is it reasonable for YOUR life? No Ma'am it is not.
Accepting Mother's feelings are valid but are HERS to own is a big step. Mother's feelings are not instructions for you to follow or to fix the world anyway she wants. Some of us have been trained as if that were the case...
See what suits you..
"Mother, when you make a lot of requests of my time, I feel bossed around. I would rather we enjoyed our time together. So I have arranged some more helpers, to help both of us".
Or from my book of blunt;
"Mother, do you like to be bossed around? No?
I don't either".
I am making the plans for care so that was what my original question was for, "how do you..." I am well aware I can not give my mother the best care she deserves at some point. My suggestions to her are getting her ready for what will happen. She can still do most things herself and lives in her apartment that is built into our house. She can be left alone and I do, but not more than 3 hours unless my oldest daughter is able to be home from work and help. This is only because of medication and food preparation. She and I both know she will need more care as time goes on. When I said she won't take help from others, I meant paid help. We do not live near anyone else she knows and with Covid she hasn't been able to gain a support system of friends by meeting new people. The question I am researching currently is cost of in home care and trying a day trip soon. We have not asked any financial contributions from my mother for staying with us other than her own cable and phone in her apartment. Her income is only a very low ss so she needs what she has to pay for doctor, medication and any future in home care. It is a catch 22 because having the small savings for needs and care has kept her from getting medicaid. I understand her tight fist when it comes to money because we grew up poor and she lived during the depression with 15 siblings. I have requested an appointment with her doctor to discuss help with care again but they have not gotten back to me. Finding a new, better doctor is not impossible but tough in this area. I am researching who will take a 92 yo new patient.
Again, I am thankful for all the comments and I am listening to all of it. If I were not willing to do the hard things, I would not have asked the questions. Just wanted to hear how others have done it if they had similar situations.