How do you leave a LO at his new 'home' for the first time?

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How do you leave a LO at his new 'home' for the first time?

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After much family distress we have decided on a care home for our 95 year old dad. My siblings and I have cared for him at home since our Mom died in January 2020 and Covid slammed the world. It's time to get him full time care. The home we've chosen has come with much family turmoil. It's an older facility, a homelike environment vs one that has granite counters, high ceilings and private bathrooms. Some of us feel it will be an easier adjustment for him as it's smaller and the furniture has the lived in look. Much like his own. The others are upset we are taking him to a 'dump'. No matter where he goes, he will not be happy. I guess the big question is how to physically get him in there? We have talked about his moving 'for the winter', safer, he won't get lonely etc. I doubt he can comprehend what it means. My brothers took him there for lunch. We'll do it again. He's mild to moderate in his dementia, although it's our diagnosis based on what he is capable of doing. I know I feel sick thinking about having to say good bye and leaving him in the hands of strangers. Need help.

Family Caregiver Moving Senior Housing

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I feel for you. I had to take my husband to memory care in July of 2020, he passed away in Aug 2021. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I ever had to do, I felt like I was deserting him. But deep down, I knew it was the best thing for him to keep him safe. I cried for months, visited daily, sometimes twice a day. Luckily he really didn't comprehend where he was even when home, never mind in memory care. He thought I lived there with him and I told him I was going to the grocery store when I had to leave. It got easier with time, a long time...but I know in my heart it was the only solution for him. I got very close to the staff because I was there so much and he got great care, maybe because they never knew when I was going to walk in. Take it one day at a time and visit often. Sorry you are going through this, its rough.

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Here's how to handle the family members who are giving you grief. Tell them they are more than welcome to take your dad into their home and be 24/7 caregivers. Funny how they'll criticize you but never offer to step in and help. Their opinion means little if they don't step up.

You're not "saying goodbye and leaving him in the hands of strangers". You're not going to walk out the door and never come back! It'll be difficult in the beginning, but it gets easier. Like when a parent takes their kid to kindergarten the first day. You're saying "see you later" and the teachers may be strangers to you. You may miss your kid during the day. But you know the school will call you if they need to, and will keep an eye on the kid. If you truly thought your kid was in danger at the school, you wouldn't place them there! Before long, your kid is settled in a new routine and so are you. It'll be okay.

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Yes! And as long as husband is able to communicate/interact, try to treat the visits now as 'dates'! I've begun to learn we often just need to 'reframe' some life situations, use a different perspective/interpretation. Yes, this is a new chapter, uncharted territory, but as aging is an inevitable part of life we can be proactive. I occurs to me we need to insist on excellent facilities no matter how modest or grand, advocate for all elders, whether in care facilities or trying to age in place/home.

(4)

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How do you do it, like you would a child. We told Mom she was going to a new apartment. We got her there, got her settled, stayed a few minutes and then told her we needed to leave. My daughter said she had to go to work. Ask the home what they want you to do. Maybe they rather you take him to a common area, visit shortly and then leave. Them taking over from there. I would not visit for a day or two. He needs to be allowed to adjust and get use to the staff doing for him. When u do visit, don't visit for more than an hour. I used to go before a meal. Once they got Mom seated and dinner in front of her, I left.

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Exactally! Like when you drop off for 1st day of school. Loving but matter of fact. Don't make a big deal about it and let staff take over. Cry when you get to the car.

(3)

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Interesting question. Right now my sister is in a newer AL center that has that colonial look. I have often wondered if a small, more home like atmosphere would have been better. She has adjusted as best she can. Doesn't interact like I had hoped because of her dementia. Most of the seniors there are still very much independent, some still have a car. But with dementia, they are separated from the others in their own wing. Does the smaller facility have an adequate staff and do they have plenty of experience with dementia residents? The small, home like center I looked at did not have the ability to care if the patient was not mobile or only semi mobile. As his dementia advances, he like others may decide one day to just walk away. My sister thought she was going for a job interview. Another time she "had a friend" that she was moving with to an apartment. This was before her med regimen and she is much better but she most likely will never have the freedom she had. She is in the lock-down wing. I guess you just have to decide what their staff, facilities and services are in comparison and how secure it is for a dementia patient compared to the newer facility and if it has all the permits to operate. In the end, I believe he will adjust in time to either place.

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It’s the hardest thing in the world to do … much more so if LO aware … but you need to be honest I think .. tell them it’s not safe for them at home and it’s too hard for you to take care of him properly at home.
find best place possible … visit everyday … bring favorite food and snacks presents .. when you do that your husband will be assured you
haven’t abandoned him and you’ll both look forward to dignified visits as man and wife and not dependent
helpless angry man and exhausted angry caregiver . Your husband will have good managed care socialization activities instead of being isolated in the house .
you’ll be active in his care … friendly with staff and so much more on top of things. There are 3 shifts at home
whereas at home there’s you 24/7 or even if you get lots help at home … they’re rarely good and he’s still isolated….
there are no good options here
best luck

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“but you need to be honest I think”

i think so too. hug :)

(1)

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My problem is that I am still at the point when home is best for him, but not for me. Seven years of this can get depressing. I was very well at the beginning, but I have aged in these sever years, while he has been getting worse.

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Never ever let someone else's problems destroy you. You have a life to live, they have lived their life. Do what you can for them and love them - but from a distance. This is all part of life and if you don't take care of yourself, who will?

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All repressed guilt feelings decades-old, bloomed when family has to take the elderly parents to a facility away from them. This phenomenon is quite common. However, do not allow those emotions to blur logical and practical decisions. The last place of residence for a very old parent, should meet the basic conditions of comfort and security. At that age, minor luxury details have no benefits. Nothing will prevent the final outcome. I'm myself 89 years old and some day I will end up in a elderly care facility. The only thing I would want, is that it has the minimum comfort and security. Spending money in unnecessary features would be a waste. Dying is as natural as being born. It's the law of nature from which there is no escape. Money won't change nature's law. Stop feeling guilty, go ahead with a logical and the most economical plan. Your father won't know the difference.

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I appreciate this reply from an elder; and you're right: the 'frills' don't matter so much as safety, good care, basic comfort. It reminds me how it's often said 'funerals are for those left behind'...in other words I think the relative luxury of a facility may soothe the conscience of family feeling guilty for putting a loved one in a care facility, but 'window dressing' doesn't mean anything if care is not equal to the 'presentation.' Plus, as with high end retail stores, you are paying for the decor!

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My mother would pack up her belongings to go home every day. We visited every other day to reassure her and tell her we needed to keep her safe now, here. But each day she emptied her drawers and closet and pack up her things to go home. The on call nurse asked us to keep telling her she needed to stay. We took away all bags and totes and baskets she could use for packing up. So then she started stacking everything on her bed to go home. After about two months she eventually stopped. Now she tells us she will return home, but only after winter, perhaps March. But she recently assessed at a 5 of 15 for her dementia, ( a month ago she was a 7) and is aware she can never live alone again, and that neither my sister nor I can take her in. That she is much safer in her “ apartment”. She doesn’t socialize. Probably never will. But at least she is safe. I do think it’s harder on all of us than on the people we love so much. Who knew?

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The smaller and homelike choice was really good for my mom. She eventually made up a story of why she bought the house where I had placed her. I had a wrap around front porch where she sat all year around and watched the neighborhood goings on. Your question seems to be about actually taking your father there.. I had the home care woman go with us to get her settled. We sat at Mom's own house with her for about and hour convincing her to go, to try it. We both stayed for a couple hours with her there, showing her where everything was. We had secretly moved all her things, even her favorite chair, already. One of us went back several times the next three days. She was confused, but started to make friends, who she never remembered from day to day. She eventually loved it there, even through covid lock down the visits at the window were easy and fun. When it was time for memory care I found another home like place for her. It was the nursing home that was awful, where she had to go after her fall. It was like a hospital. But I managed to get her to a smaller place, a house, before she died. The place you chose will not be a "dump" to your dad. It will be familiar and he will get used to it and most likely be happier.

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It is very hard to do. My dad has been in one for 6 months now and I still struggle with that decision every day. I wish I had some good advice for you but the only way my dad ended up there was by being in hospital for a month before. The nursing home staffs are very professional and deal with this with mostly every patient. Listen to their advice and that will make it easier.

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I've said this before & I'll say it again *and again*: Everyone loses when dementia is involved. The person who's suffering AND the family members: nobody gets off Scott-free with no pain or inner turmoil. Dementia robs ALL of us from feeling good about EVERYTHING. Your father may be 'better off' living with you, but it's destroying YOU to have him there. Living with a child has to work for ALL involved or else it works for nobody. Once dementia advances to a certain stage, it normally becomes impossible for in-home care to continue. That's when Memory Care Assisted Living becomes the only natural choice. Is it perfect? No, of course not. But DEMENTIA is the problem, nothing else. In a perfect world, it wouldn't exist. It wouldn't rob us of our parent to begin with and put us in this awful position! But it does exist, unfortunately, along with cancer and brain tumors and all the rest of the horrible diseases that go along with old age and being human. And since we're not medical doctors and cannot take care of elders 24/7 single-handedly, managed care becomes the only sane solution.

In reality, Memory Care is a safe, controlled environment for the elders where they get to socialize and do activities which are geared for them specifically. They get 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks; they get 24/7 care by teams of caregivers and nurses who check on them all the time. They pick them up when they fall and they hand out all of their meds on a schedule. The stigma we attach to managed care residences is ridiculous, in truth. They exist for a reason b/c they fill an enormous need.

Drop dad off at his new home, kiss him goodbye & say see you later, dad. Then visit him often once he's settled in. Don't create a crisis for him by showing him you're upset or sad, etc. Be upbeat and smiling the whole time. He'll be fine.

My mother lives in Memory Care since June of 2019 and does well there. She always wants to 'go home' when, in reality, she hasn't had a home of her own since she sold it in 2011. She has no idea where or what home even IS; it's just something that goes along with dementia. They're looking to go back to a place in TIME when things were better and they were younger. I'm happy that she's safe & well cared for. I'm sad when I visit her b/c it's a stressful experience as her dementia advances into the rabbit hole of unhappiness, in honesty. Again, we ALL lose when dementia is involved, don't we? :(

Wishing you the best of luck accepting what is, and your father the best of luck acclimating to his new home.

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Many also medicate residents into a stupor, easy to deal with that way,

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Chooch: Imho, you must allow YOURSELF this choice because if you don't place your father in a facility, albeit this one or another, your physical and mental health will suffer since you cannot continue to provide care for your parent with dementia.

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Think of it as his "vacation home" or "bachelor pad". Most places will allow some residents to go out for visits with family. Give him about a month to get used to the new environment and new routines. You are doing this as an act of love - making sure he is well cared for.

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I just went through this with my husband who is 72 and has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. We started out by going for a ride and as it got closer to the facility I had to use a little fiblet And told him that he had been accepted at the rehab facility that we were waiting to get into to gain his strength in his legs and back and to get help with the pain he was experiencing. I emphasized getting stronger. I had spoken to the admissions director before the day of admission and explained to her what I was going to say to him. When we arrived they had a physical therapist greet us with a wheelchair and took him inside. Due to the current rise in Covid I was not allowed to go in with him that day.It was the hardest most heartbreaking thing I ever had to do but neither one of us were safe in the home as he was progressing rapidly, falling and failing rapidly. Good luck to you. It’s not easy

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:) hugs! i would tell the truth.

many people are in difficult situations, and the truth can cause trouble - but still, i would tell the truth.

i myself would hate to be tricked and brought to a facility.

in our family we will tell the truth, no matter what.

maybe there’ll be trouble after telling the truth (regarding facility). well, so be it. maybe there should be trouble. the person has a right to fight back/get angry/be sad.
(not after the fact, when it’s too late, because they’ve already been forced to be there).

i’m simply saying what i would do (i would tell the truth), and what we in our family prefer to be done to us.

i hope you’ll be ok, and your father, and your whole family. wishing you well!! :)

pre-xmas hugs to everyone on this website, and to our LOs :).

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OP is not “tricking” their father. OP didn’t ask what YOU would do. Adding smiley faces and “hugs!” does not negate your judgement and guilt trips.

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It’s not about how old the furniture is..it’s about the level of care he needs. Dementia gets worse..so his needs will indeed increase. Better to get him acclimated to a facility environment….before he gets so bad that nobody will accept him.
Good luck & hugs 🤗

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Because of Covid I had not seen him in nearly two months..fall at home...hospital...rehab...another fall...rehab...only Facetime non conversations. On the day he was to be transfered to a fantastic memory care facility...I met him at the door of the rehab. Told him we were going for a ride and a new experience..tons of fun and new adventures...just like the camp he went to.

We chatted in the transport...upon arrival the staff greeted him warmly.
" You must be hungry...how about lunch...you do like grilled cheese don't you."

Away he went...in the care of those I trusted to take the best care of my special gentleman. Covid permitting...we had lunch in the patio...played games in the living room.

I knew it was best. The guilt AND pressure was off my shoulders. I lived three hours away and dear friends close by were exhausted. No more 3am calls about where his pen was...late night reviews of his checking account..no more "strangers in my house"...only sweet memories and great care.

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How do you leave a LO at his new 'home' for the first time?

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