Many times I read posts that say, I can't stand my mom, although I love her. I don't understand that. I don't love my mom. She's always been difficult, controlling and a perfectionist. I can tolerate her in small doses but have no feelings of love. My older sister feels the same way about our mom as I do. I don't hate her, I just don't enjoy her joy sucking attitude on life. My friend says she feels the same way about her dad and thinks it is because she grew up in such a disfunctional home. Any thoughts?
For me love focusses on actions. By caring for someone I am showing them love even if I do not feel it and they do not feel it from me. She did care for me and give me opportunities in life which were in my best interests, She did many other things that were not in my best interests. Does she love me - as much as she is able, I think, which is limited due to her mental illness. Do I love her - in my actions but not much in my feelings. Does she feel loved by me? I hope so - even if it is just a little.
My father was very self-contained. He would probably be diagnosed with Asperger's these days. The condition wasn't known back in his time. He never bonded with anyone but my mother, and I'm not really sure about that. So, of course, his children never bonded back with him. The sad thing is that no one seemed to grieve his passing except my mother. It wasn't the kids' fault, because there was no bond ever formed. The bad thing is that people would look at us and think that we were heartless for not missing our father, so no one says that we don't. I do grieve never having a father that I could play with and be close to. It wasn't his fault he wasn't that man; it wasn't my fault, either.
Anyway... I don't feel it is the adult child's fault for not feeling love for a parent who never showed love to them.
The advice is: It is not your responsibility to caregive your parents, but it is your responsibility to see that they are cared for.
You have been hurt and need to protect yourself, that is so very understandable.
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