How do you manage the self pity?

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How do you manage the self pity?

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Anyone who comes to visit or help or clean or entertain this 80 year of woman only hears how bad she has it and that no one helps her. Both are factually untrue. She is extremely well cared for. It is impossible to bring someone to socialize with her because they feel they can never do enough for her. She had 2 hospital stays and my sister, an RN, overheard her telling aide that her'daughters are mean to her.' It is exactly the opposite. How to stop the victim mindset?

Mental Health Mom

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I think some people enjoy a victim mentality. I think age makes it more pronounced. Prayer and putting on a “shield “.... mentioned in an earlier post... help. I have to pray before I call certain family members. The only thing I have learned from this is not to fall into this mind set myself. I would never want to put my own children, family and friends through this. It’s just draining.

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Hellebore, oh yes, I’m on this thread too! FYI, since I wrote my post below in this topic, we have made great strides forward. Mum has moved into supported living and I am reclaiming my life! She will always be a NM though, and yes, self pity is a big part of her life too! This forum is like therapy for me!

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Bumping this thread because I'm dealing with an elderly parent who is so self pitying that I'm having a pretty hard time dealing with it. Recently she did something rotten to me (gave over $1000 of my property to charity without asking or telling me) and I'm really angry over that, but I admit I'm also using it as an excuse to go very low contact with Mom for a while.

I don't think I'd realized how bad Mom's behavior had gotten until I got a little distance from it. She expects me to call her EVERY day and sit on the phone for an hour listening to her problems. Anything that might be going wrong with me or spouse is simply not on the radar. One day recently Mom mentioned to me it had occurred to her that spouse and I are actually going to get old ourselves someday and need care - like this was a real revelation, that we are actually human beings with minds and needs of our own instead of existing only as resources to serve her and her problems (!)

I probably need to take some of this to a message board I'm on for people who have narcissistic personality disorder - I'm not a doctor, but some of the symptoms I read of that condition have been occurring all my life. Now that Mom is elderly it's like they're on steroids.

Just jumping in to say I'm here and dealing with this in case anyone else is as well - I see my friend Chriscat from the narcissism thread, I'm sure we're going to have plenty to talk about here as well! xo

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So now you are worried about what some "stranger" may think? Please don't worry about someone you don't know or don't know if they even exist.
As people grow old, the margins of their world contract. There are fewer reality checks (and those that do exist are not always readily accepted) There are fewer "new" things to distract them from old thought patterns. And they are not searching for "new", anyway. This is not the world that they once knew and it is scary. They want what is familiar, predictable... even if that sometimes means old unhealthy personal relations. Sorry, but that is the truth about human aging. Fight it though you may, It is what it is and there is very little you can do about it.
So don't feel responsible. Don't blame yourself or worry too much about what other people think. There is a limit to how much sympathy your mother's self pity can elicit... even from well meaning outsiders. Don't waste time dwelling on past hurts and misunderstandings. Take care of those closest to you. And congratulate yourself on trying to provide some comfort for your difficult-to-please mom. You are doing the best you can. Angels can do no more.

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Thank you for your kindness. I think what motivates me now to keep caring is the solace of knowing I am in no way like her. My therapist (yes, I need one) says she is a classic narcissist.

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I find that my mother’s self pity always increases if someone else in the family either has something to celebrate, or is going through problems or illnesses of their own - in both cases this is where the other family member becomes the centre of attention for a period of time. To give an example, last week my amazing son found that his offer of a place to study at Oxford University has been confirmed, and he will be starting there in October. I am so proud of him, as he has worked so hard to get to this point, but at the same time that we were celebrating and congratulating him, my mother’s self pitying suddenly increased. It sounds unbelievable even to me as I write this, but I saw her walking about the house quite normally and then as soon as she came into the room we were all in, she began to limp quite badly. I could have laughed, it was so obvious. Instead we just carried on enjoying the moment of celebration and invited her to join us without acknowledging her behaviour, otherwise our moment of joy would have been lost forever. Right now we are really busy and focused on getting everything ready for Uni, and at the same time I am facing a mix of emotions: pride in my son, but feelings of loss as he is about to leave home. Rather than support me in this, my mother’s self pitying continues as she tries to come between me and my son. If I give in to this, I will not be able to focus on supporting my son and dealing with my own mixed emotions at this time. In the past, I’ve been conditioned to attend to her every need and whim and as a result have not taken care of my own needs, but this has now changed, and as long as she is safe and well, she can take a back seat while we get through this bittersweet life stage of a child growing up and leaving home.

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You can't stop her mindset and you can't manage the self pity. What you can do is change the way it affects you. Develop a "keepingup" shield. You know she has AD so you don't take any of her comments personally. I know that's hard but that's where the shield comes in. You know her statements are false, so ignore them, let them bounce off of you. Distract her by reminiscing thru some old photos or discuss her "good old days". Know your limit of tolerance, if nothing works, leave the room. She's 80! She's not going to change... it's up to you.

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Thank you. The idea of a shield is something I should have adopted a long time ago.

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keepingup: Per your profile, your mother has dementia/Alzheimer's. That said, it's an impossible feat to change a broken mind. Smile and walk away. Prayers sent.

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We gathered at my brother's and SIL house for CHRISTmas one year. We did not usually do this. We never knew what we would be doing on CHRISTmas... celebrating somewhere but who knows where. Anyway, there we were. We were opening our presents. I was opening mine from my mother. First of all, it was a dress... a very RED dress. And it was a size 16. As soon as I got the dress out looking at it, my mom says this, "Well.. sis... I got you a size 16. If it is not big enough, I can take it back to get a bigger one. I kept the receipt. Just let me know, will ya?" In front of everyone... my 3 brothers..a sister in law that is skinny as a rail. Well... I didn't say anything right then. And I normally never said anything because she did not care.... she would get angry.... put up a fuss but... this time, I WAS going to say something... if I got the chance. She soon got up to stir something on the stove and no one else was close so....I asked her, "Mom... why did you do that?" And of course,....here she goes..."What? What are you talking about? Did I do something?" And she said she was going to leave... and she did. I apologized to everyone for ruining our CHRISTMAS day. I felt it was my fault. But...they could have cared less that she was gone. She was always embarassing me in one way or another.. her only daughter. She also let me know that she liked boys but she did NOT like girls. And.. it was my father that had named me. Why do they do this garbage, people?

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They do this "garbage" because they are old and it is what they are used to. She will not change what she has always been. You have to quit expecting her to. It is up to you to deal with the past...too late for her to change unhealthy patterns years in the making (she doesn't, and you can not make her, see the need to).
Life has not been kind to a great many of us. We cannot keep letting the past poison our present or our future. Next time, take a deep breath, thank her for the gift (that's the polite and least hazardous answer). Do not discuss it. Just go on with celebrating your holiday.

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We had something similar when my MIL moved into Assisted Living. Weeks 1 and 2 were fine, and then she decided that things were not well. She wrote to family across the country that her son had put her in a "poor house", no friends, couldn't go out, etc. Blessedly, the family knew better and let us know what MIL had said. The next time we visited, which we did 2 or 3 times a week, we picked up some of the advertising brochures at the facility. Then, at home, we wrote a letter, in general, to her friends and family, talking about how we had settled her in a nice place, listing some of her activities, putting in photos of her room, and enclosed a brochure. We gave her address and mentioned how she would enjoy phone calls and cards. It worked perfectly, and word got back to us that when someone would call and she would say how bad things were her family would mention the letter we wrote. Boy, was she MAD! How dare we write to the people she knew. But we acted innocent and said that we thought she would want everyone to see what a nice place she lived in and know how they could contact her. She was still mad.

So, that was before social media. How about setting up a Facebook page in her name, or even using your own page, and posting photos and comments about her life. "Here we are, at lunch today. Mom had a nice salad. We shopped and got her new shoes. Take a look". Or, "Mom's residence let us know that they were having an outdoor BBQ tonight".

You need to get ahead of her and post good things that are happening, showing her doing fun/nice things, so that her complaints are seen as what they are, an elder basically unhappy with life in a way that you cannot fix.

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My mom did this the whole time we were growing up... and she was the one that had the affair and our dad stayed with her! I grew up with my mom stating how we were so poor! And at the same time, my dad had built our house so everything was paid for. How can you consider yourself poor when you have a big house AND paid for? Anyway... you trying to convince your mom that things are the opposite as she perceives it is.... not going to happen. Especially if they have dementia.... you cannot reason with them.. they are NOT going to change their minds. So... I just go along with them and THAT takes the wind out of their sails. They want to argue. They expect it. Or just do distractions. Distractions are great. Don't even acknowledge what she just said. It appeared my mom wanted people to pity her... feel sorry for her. Don't know why but just the way she was. Alienated her from people though so she did not have really any friends and those that she did have.... she complained about them all the time. I wonder if they even knew. I feel for you. GOD bless. What I tell people... all you can do is... the best you can do.

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Gee, she is 80 years old. You are not going to change her. She is not her normal self anymore. I would generally agree and sympathize with her then indicate that she will get the help that she needs. Be creative and deflect her self pity. It might be yourself one day.

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She was exactly the same when she was 40. My siblings have stopped all contact with her because she is too toxic.

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Ive been reading the questions from"keeping up" and the thoughtful responses from others. My 83 yr old mom has early dementia/alz. Please be sure you tell her doctors and her visiting nurses and therapists that your lived one tells untruths. Watch your own back and keep secrets from no one. Before my mom had her neurological diagnosis she was telling all her healthcare people including primary doctor lies about me. When my son took her to Dr appointment we discovered I was going to be arrested for elder abuse. Lucky for me the Dr realized mom had only been fishing for sympathy and he tore up the papers to CPS. Good luck in your endeavors with your loved one.

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Thank you for the warning. Because she loves being the victim, I can definitely envision her doing that. When she told a nurse that "my daughters are mean to me" I saw how dangerous her lies could be...for me. I make sure I speak at her doctor appointments and let them know she has a very comfortable, cared for life.

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My mom told doctors there was nobody to take care of her so we got put on an elder abuse list and had to have surprise home visits and inspections. Of course we passed. This was a woman who could shop at Walmart for 3 hours at a time, with two grown children taking care of her.

My 95 yr old mom is now on hospice in a memory care facility. We had a window visit yesterday. She barely spoke and stared fixedly at some point in space. But when she did talk, she would tell fragments of persecution stories: she wanted to do something but there weren’t enough chairs, the women would not talk to her, and so on.

My point- some folks just act like victims, as a way of being.

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Thank you for your story. Sounds like your mother and mine could be twins.

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I have to say I'm pretty shocked at a lot of these responses. My mom was diagnosed 15 years ago, and I've been the hands on care-giver for the last three years. She was always a martyr, as someone mentioned, and now there is a lot of "poor me" happening.

The thing I've tried to keep foremost in my mind, because of course, it drives me crazy - not remembering anything nice: meals, trips, visits, phone calls, animal interactions, etc. - is that for her, it's all real. She is in the moment, 100%. She has no long-term or short-term memory, so when she whines that the cat never comes to her and that it doesn't love her it's because at that moment, the cat is not in her arms. I have dozens of photos where he is.

She has always had to fight her low self-esteem and self-worth, and this is a manifestation of that. For her, feelings are facts and sometimes I need to work through that with her and remind her of the facts. When she says "I don't remember any of that (the nice things) " I remind her she also doesn't remember who I am, where she lives or what she had for breakfast.

It's hard, but it demands compassion. Remember what she feels in that moment feels like it's been that way forever. For my mom, when she's having a good moment, it's been a "great day" and when it's a bad moment it's "terrible day."

Take a walk. Take a breath, and remind yourself, for your own sake, that FEELINGS are not FACTS. The fact is she is confused, hurting, scared and that can translate to angry and manipulative. But at this point, she's not going to change, can't change intentionally. You can't change her, and you can't change how it feels to you, but you can change how you react and what you do next. Sometimes all you can do is agree and say "that sounds tough."

Much love.

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I’d just like to add an example of my mother’s unbelievable levels of self pity and distortion of the truth. She walked out on our family when I was 15 and didn’t come back. Ten years ago I moved her in with us when she was widowed from her second marriage. Nowadays she will fix me with an accusatory look, and say “I lost you once, but I’m a survivor”, as though her behaviour in the past was my fault. When you are faced with these levels of narcissism and self pity there is nothing you can do to correct the lies, but to quote some of the experts in this area I go “gray rock”. Look it up if you need to. It’s a very effective tool.

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Keep, I took my father different places. Later, he told people, nobody takes me anywhere. It's like, what's the point?

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They do it for attention. Like a two year old having a tantrum in a grocery store.

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You know what? There's nothing you can do to change it. Some people are what I like to call "professional victims". They usually start off as martyrs earlier in life then graduate to professional victimhood as they get older. I don't know your mother, yet I don't feel sorry for her because I know the personality type. My mother is like this too. She's always been a very negative person and a downer since as long back as I can remember. People like this thrive on pity. It's like a drug to them. They love it when people feel sorry for them when they're going on about how supposedly hard their life was or is even if it's the farthest thing from the truth. They love talking about how ingrate and terrible their kids are even when it's not true because they like it when people get angry over it, once again feeling sorry for them. Just try to ignore it and not let it bother you. There's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is to try to not let the negativity, pessimism, and narcissism get to you.

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Very well put "BurntCaregiver" - been there, done that. The narcissism aspect seems to be the worst to deal with. There's no winning with them or having a mature discussion so in that case it was NO CONTACT from me from that point on and I never looked back.

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I hope this phase of her disease will pass soon.

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Thats neat. Stuff does happen in phases

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According to your profile, your mother has dementia/Alz. That being the case, you can't argue with her or change her 'victim' mindset, or even get her to stop telling lies to others about how horrible her life is. In her mind, it IS horrible, or she enjoys the attention she gets from SAYING how horrible it is. Some people love complaining so much, it's all they can do 24/7. That is my mother; no matter HOW much is done for her, it's never enough. The dementia has worsened her behavior in that regard, to the point where nobody can tolerate her for more than 1/2 an hour.

It is what it is. Don't try to change it, just smile and walk away. I highly doubt others are believing her stories anyway.

Good luck!

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I got you beat, Lealonnie. No one can tolerate my mom for more than 10 minutes! ;oD

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Keeping up, maybe you should step back and let her thrive or fail all on her own. She couldn't possibly think less of you girls, so don't worry about that.

You must protect your own wellbeing and honestly, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about what you do or don't do for her.

Great big warm hug! You matter as much as she does!

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Oh, thank you. I needed to hear that. I will pass it on to my sister. You are very kind🐈

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You can "Never Stop" the victim mindset. Some people get victimized when they are young and some how they go through life being the "Forever Victim" just so they can victimize someone else.

I had a therapist tell me there are 3 kinds of people in the world:

1) people who were victimize, but see themselves as survivors.
2) people who were victimize and see themselves as victims.
3) people who are predators.

Now, the second group see themselves as victims use their victimize (poor me) to victimize others; therefore, they become predators!

Just something for you to think about!

My mother had a good life with my dad, but if you ask her she would say, "he was awful and her life was h3ll." She loves to play the "poor me" so people feel sorry for her then she uses and abuses the very person who believed her sob story. And somehow my mother is "Always" the victim!!!! The problem (no matter what it is) is "Always" someone else's fault!!!

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Sounds like my mom.

I just quit trying to help her unless it is convenient for me or an emergency, then she can tell everyone what a rotten daughter I am and be some what telling the truth.

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The blunt answer is that you cannot stop the victim mindset, but you can learn to live with it and to minimise the effect it has on your life. You say your mother has people visit, help, clean and entertain her and that she is very well cared for. Assuming she does not have dementia, it sounds as though she is unhappy with her situation, and is taking it out on all those around her. I have some sympathy with this, as growing old and dependent on others is no joke, but that does not give her the right to complain constantly to everyone and to expect them to put up with it. I can understand that you would feel quite wounded hearing that your mother had been bad mouthing you unfairly to others, and maybe this is why you would really like to change her behaviour, but it sounds as though whatever you do would not be enough, so it’s best not to waste your efforts. Don’t engage with the self pitying and don’t feel guilty about not engaging. Freeing yourself up from this and from wanting to change her will give you time to consider objectively if there are small things you can do to lift her mood: a bunch of flowers after shopping, or maybe a nice cake. If these are met with more self pity, at lest you can tell yourself you’ve tried, but really some people just like being miserable and making others around them miserable and you will never change them. Accept that and you will feel less stressed.

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Thank you for your wise advice. As to buying the occasional gift or surprise, I learned the hard way that the more I gave to her. the more she expected.

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If Mom was like this before, her Dementia may only make it worse. Please realize they are in a world of there own. TV and dreams become a part of their reality. Her short term memory loss does not allow her to remember what you have done for her. I would hope that people understand she has Dementia but sometimes they don't.

When my Mom entered her AL I found out that the head nurse was married to a boy I had dated 50 yrs ago. I told the Nurse this. On one of my visits, the Nurse came over to Mom and me to have a chat. She said to Mom "your daughter used to date my husband". My Mom, who suffered from Dementia said "yeah, she got around". I was mortified. It was far from the truth. My Mom was a sweety, loved her and had been married to my Dad for 55 yrs but before that she was married at 18, divorced, had me out of wedlock, then married Dad when I was 2. This was in the late 40s. And then to say I got around. 😊 I can laugh at it now but not so funny in front of a stranger.

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Sadly, as we age, we seem to become 'more' of what we already are.
Sans dementia...we just get more intensely 'us'.

My grandmothers were just adorable and sweet and interested in everything about their grandkids and great grands. My kids do not appreciate the blessing that is for them--they were lucky!

Neither my mother nor my MIL give a rat's patoot about my kids and definitely not about my grands (their great grands). They are 100% concerned about themselves, other people are def on the periphery of their mindsets, and it has always been that way.

My mother is just happy to be fussed and catered to. My MIL is simply a mean old woman who hates everyone.

There's absolutely nothing you can do with a 90 yo who acts 3. we just keep boundaries really tight and we (DH and I) rarely see our mothers. Our kids can do what they want--visit them or not. (Mostly not).

The saving grace is that my grands don't GET that they are as important to their GG's as last weeks recycling. Seriously, they don't miss what they never had.

DH has spent hours trying to talk to his mother about the positives in her life and she simply refuses to listen. She actually stated that her PCP had said she has had the worst life of anyone she's ever met.

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Thank you. We are singing the same song. Maybe I read too much Oprah, but I keep thinking a little gratitude would give her peace of mind. She really has a very comfortable quality of life.

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Create a way for her to be proud of herself. What did she do, as a profession or as recreation before she grew old?

This is a long term effort, but it would be worth it if she takes pride in something she's doing, and it can help overcome the self pity. She needs something serious to help her refocus her attention.

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You don' manage it. Not everything can be fixed. Does your Mom suffer from dementia? You cannot argue with or change the mindset of a disorder.
Was your Mom a lot different before this happened to her. Was she light and breezy and full of love and praise? If so, then this change brought on by her aging will be a shock. If not, then it is the same old same old.
I suspect that the only "mindset" that can be changed is your own. I doubt very seriously that your well cared for Mom convinced a nurse who had already visited with you, that your are meanies. What others thing is something that you cannot afford to take on, in any case. You are busy enough.
It hurts. It is unfair. Yes. Just like so much else in life. But ultimately it is just Mom. We used to have a nurse come in to work every night in a foul mood, complaining about everything in the world, and out of her hearing we would just tease. We recognized it as just a habit of hers. She was a good nurse and a good person with a bad habit. Had she chosen to break it she could have, but she was entirely unaware of it. And for your Mom it is not a choice any more. Her mindset is likely her mindset. Try to approach it with humor. Not much else will help.

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Thank you. A sense of humor does help. 😊 What scares me is if she's out somewhere and a stranger believes her.

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How do you manage the self pity?

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