How do you repair sibling relationships fractured by caregiving?

Why not plan a long vacation and ask your sister to come stay with your Dad for at least 2 weeks? Once she's exposed to the daily reality of his caregiving her eyes will be opened. There's nothing like a good object lesson to speak volumes for your situation.

Maybe you can tell her how much you enjoyed talking with her, and how you miss your old dynamic. Tell her that Dad seems to enjoy pitting you both against each other, and you'd rather not. You're doing your best, and without her seeing firsthand how hard that is, her perspective is different. Ask her to schedule some time so you can get away. If she won't do that, then suggest you don't talk about Dad…you won't complain about how hard it is, and she won't criticize you about something she hasn't seen firsthand.

My mom used to try to pit my sister and me against each other. When we had a conversation about it, we agreed that we'd discount anything negative she says (usually about me, the caregiver/chaperone) and talk only to each other when information was needed. It worked like a charm, and we've been incredibly close for many years…simply because we cut out the middle man.

Good luck!

Dad has a Dementia according to your profile. I guess your sister does not understand what that means. For one, they become like children. He may not be so much pitting you against each other. But like a small child not getting their way he whines to sister.

You may want to consider putting Dad in Memory care if he can afford it. Or a nice Long-term care facility on Medicaid if he can't. His care is going to be more and more as his Dementia progresses. The sooner you place him, the sooner he adjusts.

That stinks, I'm sorry about that. I don't have an answer. At least, you do have someone in regards to a relative who parrots 🦜 your dad's complaints, that means they are talking. Maybe if you get an answer, it might help me with my problem.

My mom is late stages dementia. Her youngest son my younger brother just wiped his hands of anything to do with her, my mom his mom lives with me, I am the primary health caregiver to her. I do everything. He don't even call me or her or visit me or her, he lives one mile down the road. So he wiped his hands of me as well. He and I were very close now we don't exist.

So how will that relationship be pieced back together?

You can’t manage that really. Tell Sis to step in a little so she can 1. Know what it’s like, & 2.put up or shut up. Tolerate no disrespect & tell her to contribute or butt out. And hire for the extra you can’t manage, if possible. One CANNOT do it all and, for the sake of all concerned, should not!

Yes…very tough. My brother and I fell apart during this also..I decided it had to stop and I changed me. We opened up, talked about mom issues, past family issues and agreed to agree on some stuff and not to agree on other things. Counseling has opened up how I view the world these days. Well worth the small cost. Ps: I still do the bulk of the work but peace is worth it.

I had the same issue with my brother. I took care of mom long distance for about 5 years and then she moved in with me for the last 5 years of her life. My brother saw her about 4 times in the last 5 years. In fact he saw her only once in 3 years just weeks before she died. I was very bitter. I ended up avoiding him completely. I was afraid of what I would say. Afraid I would say something I would regret later.

When I placed mom in an ALF, I called and told him he needed to fund what Medicaid would not pay. He agreed but never had to help since she died before it was needed,

I will not go into his excuses. They were weak at best. The last visit he made I was able to speak openly about my resentment. Not surprising, he actually believed he was helping (sending chocolates every couple of months).

However, once my mom died, we did come to some type of equilibrium. He acknowledged my sacrifice. He admitted he did nothing. That has helped me get past the resentment. We actually have a fragile new relationship that I hope will heal over time.

I still feel cheated but, now that mom is gone, he is the last connection to my family. I want to make it work. It will take time and will mostly likely be different than it could have been.

When you are a caregiver your entire life is surrounded by that duty. Once that caregiving time has ended, at least for me, I wanted “normal” and normal meant creating that sibling connection again.

Perhaps you are stronger than I, but it was difficult for me to forgive and forget when I was in the middle of the caregiving duties.

My husband thrives on these dynamics with his family. I keep telling him no one has any business questioning the sister who's doing it all. But they've all always enjoyed trashing each other...
Dealing with my parents/estate has actually brought my sister and I closer together--though there's that occasional day when we each want to strangle each other. Our brother...Who? He's been MIA for years--then tried to swoop in when our mom was dying and told Hospice he was "nursing her." Umm...who are you again?
Best part was when funeral home guy tried to deal with our brother (I'm executor, was POA) while my sister and I were in the same room. Better believe I shut that down damn fast. (Actually, my sister is now a family legend for throwing him out of the house because of that Hospice incident.) My brother and I had a chance to chat non-parents while waiting to sign papers at the funeral home later. It's fine or fine enough. But as my sister and I have been cleaning out house, listing it, paying bills...we haven't heard from him once. When our dad first died, we got tired of complaining about our brother so we gave him some things we needed him to do when he could. He never did any of them.

You tell HER when she calls, just this. Read it to her in fact. It's perfect. It admits that you have limitations and aren't perfect, and know how you can be sometimes, but don't have the power to change some of it. That you treasure her and hope your relationship will survive. I can't imagine much else you can do until you perhaps decide that doing this care for your father is finally becoming too much for you, that it is destroying your relationships and you are too overwhelmed to continue it hands on. That realization and time may come, and it may not. I sure do wish you the best.

It helps if the other sibling knows that the complaints are usually about the person doing the most work. Mean to them, and complaints to the others who don’t really know what’s going on. It’s the norm, and it proves nothing.

The ways to get a handle on reality aren’t easy:
- Swap places for a fortnight. That’s long enough for the ‘gloss’ to wear off, and for sister to check in person on what is going on – Dad’s expectations and behavior, carers load and behavior. However changing lives for a fortnight wipes out annual leave and isn’t attractive.
- Send Dad over to stay with sister for the fortnight. Let sister experience the problems of his routine, and at least some of the complaints.
- Let sister pay for a live-in carer for the fortnight. Give you a break, and the carer reports back to sister with an outsider’s view of the situation.
- At a minimum, ask sister to change the approach. “Dad’s complaining yet again, is there anything at all in this?” is easier to deal with than sister reporting the complaints as if they are all true and she is ‘on his side’. Being ‘on his side’ might seem to her to be her own useful contribution to Dad. It’s not.

Just telling sister how hard this is being for you, how common it is, and that you have received these suggestions, might shift the dynamic a bit. Good luck.

I had three older brothers; Mom adored them all. She really didn't like me much but I was the one who took care of her. She told me often how wonderful the boys were when they did NOTHING to help. The relationships with my brothers have suffered and are not repairable and that's OK. They showed their true colors and I understand they share my mother's feelings for me. I send Christmas cards and talk once in awhile but my life does not need them. I have children and friends who love and respect me. My brothers did not want to believe reality when I lived it every day. I do not miss them or long for relationships with them. Sometimes it's OK to let go.

I'm here to simply say that I relate.

I've been living with my parents to help caretake my mother for 8 months now, it's been unrelenting and brutal.

My brother is 'off the hook' as he's married with 1 kid at home, lives 2 hours away. Calls weekly and visits every 2-3 months for 3 hours.

I'm resentful & bitter that I have no one to lean on.

I also have come to the realization that if someone loves you, they would try to help you, that caring is a verb. I realize how little, if at all, anyone cares, with their hollow inquiries.

Sending love.

My husband has 5 brothers and we have been taking care of my MIL and his Stepfather for 8 years. No one wanted to help. My husband now suffers from depression....that's what happened because of no family support. we hired a nursing company and moved a couple hours away. I still do alot from a distance but the one thing that I added was a group text letting them know what is going on. It's not a solution and sometimes their texts are like " really guys? "At least my husband does not feel alone. Struggling with losing Parents and your siblings at the same time is so difficult especially when that is the time everyone doing their part is so important. So sorry for what you are going through.

My grandmother used to do this to her 4 grand children. She would pit them against one another. I hated my one cousin because my grandmother sang her praises to me all the time. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized she was trying to get me to compete for her affections. Now cousin and I are close.

Growing up my father was the golden child. When my grandmother got old my parents did try and visit once a week even with the long distance. But they could never do right by her. All she talked about was how wonderful her younger son was. He lived 3 miles away and barely visited. Sent his wife over to take the abuse. But he bought her a new TV after she proclaimed this was 'her last Christmas". That made him golden. She had 15 "last Christmases". It became the running joke in the family. Yearly later when her golden son was diagnosed with cancer his wiseass son asked if he expected someone to buy him a new tv.

I like the suggestion that your sister cover for you for 2 weeks. However I doubt she will be willing. She would rather stay oblivious to the situation. Just have a talk with her. Tell her dad is trying to pit you against each other. Ask that she either not repeat what he said or tell him outright that if he has a problem with you he needs to speak to you not go through her. Or even better, have her tell him he is lucky to have you helping and he needs to start appreciating you more. And that she is done hearing about this.

Wish I had the answer. A few weekends past, my older sister came to see our Mom. She began ranting about things in her life that annoy her. Another sister was here also. Every Saturday they come over and b*tch. I understand they have things in their lifes that need attn. That Saturday, I asked if we could not be so negative and just have a positive day. I cant take any more of this negativity today. Well...They got up and left. Im out of here. I said, really ? This is the hill ur going to stand on ? I ask nothing from any of my 6 siblings. I dont complain about caring for our Mother 24/7 365 days for 8 years . I don't ask for money, days off, vacation etc etc. I cant have the negativity here. It effects me and riles Mom up. At this point, Im better off with none coming to see her.

My partner and I are family mediators who work exclusively with older siblings, most of whom are having conflicts regarding the care of their parents. This is not therapy with a long series of sessions that explore relationships but is, instead, a quicker, less expensive option that addresses specific conflicts and issues.
These are delicate situations, fraught with different emotions -- sadness, fear, anxiety and, for the caregivers, exhaustion. Our clients sit down and have a facilitated conversation about the issues they are dealing with and work out a plan for moving forward. The siblings may never be best friends, but they can discuss the problems, find solutions, and begin to be able to talk to one another again. Unfortunately, many of the people who contact us are already in the midst of a crisis (a parent is about to be released from rehab and nobody has ever discussed a plan for a disabled, elderly parent). We encourage people to consider mediation before a crisis, with the possible participation of an elderly parent who could get a say in what he/she wants.
In any case, mediation is an option. It has a successful track record of resolving conflicts.

Hello, You hold your head high. Your conscious will sustain you, because you are doing what’s right for your dad, regardless of his innuendos and rambling.

Make your sister aware of the behaviors of folk with dementia ( how they can literally turn on you and yes lie as well, their truth is distorted because of the disease 😔). I hope she will be able to comprehend it all because it can be overwhelming. And possibly let her read some of the answers here in this forum.

Like you’ve said your father won’t always be around and then all you’ll have is each other and prayerfully in a healthy, loving and non toxic relationship 💕
Wishing you the best outcome 😊

When my mom passed last year, as soon as her apt was emptied and the funeral was over--we kids all kind of went back to our private lives and we don't really speak anymore.

It's exactly what I expected and I am sorry for it, but I knew mom was the only thing keeping us 'together'.

No one is mad, we are all just went our own ways.

We get along, we just don't see each other or hang out anymore.

It isn't uncommon for families to fracture after the last parent passes away. I wouldn't be surprised if I never see my YS again in my life.

We do love each other, but it is what it is. Maybe in time we'll find a way back to being a 'family' but right now, not so much.

That is beyond tough. 😔 You obviously love your Dad a great deal, and you WILL get through this. 🌞 A few helpful thoughts...

Your Dad likely has depression. Who wouldn't, under their circumstances? They are vulnerable, have lost their independence, and are facing their last years. So hard to even imagibe that dark cloud. I have found in most caregiving situations that many of these vulnerable adults end up needing someone to blame. With my Mom, I was the main caregiver but had several siblings helping. If I was alone, I'd be the target. If another person came on board, the new one was the target. It strained our relationships, even when we all understood the situation. And we were bitter against those who didn't help, too.

What worked:

Get some additional, non-family help. You are burnt out (tge bitterness), and need some relief, even if for a couple hours a week! That little bit of freedom is amazing. They will soon be the depression target (unfortunately), and your Dad will value you more. You may get an earful at first, but just be understanding hiw everything is hard for him right now and be positive. Slowly add hours as your Dad gets used to them, whatever the budget will allow. If he is against that, I would start with "a friend is coming over". Sometimes my Mom enjoyed having someone new there! Keep in mind that who you like may not be who your Dad likes. We had a couple people, one for us to get things done, one my Mom liked more, for less hours. Maybe your sister would help pay for that, if needed. I originally paid for our help myself, just to show my sibling who said no on the budget, how helpful & needed it was.

Your bitterness. Totally understandable, but it is working against both you and your Dad. When I gave up the bitterness, my Mom was so much happier and me too!!! When my Mom later needed 24/7 bedridden care and was extreme dementia'd, and I was the main care even more, I felt ready! I felt like I was invinceable and it shocked hospice at my stamina and patience. How did I do that?

I let go. I just quit my bitterness. I decided to be grateful for who I was, my makeup, my location, my work situation, and be glad I could be there for my Mom. Keep in mind, I originally the worst relationship with my Mom of all my 6 siblings. Anyways, I pretended I only had the siblings I had, and decided that those who weren't there simply couldn't be. For one reason or another. I also soon became the example for the bitter siblings that did help.

Balance. I had a day off each week that was a real getaway. For me that was out to my horse with my husband. For me, 15 minutes with an animal is a reset. And with my Mom, because you need some sanity moments there too, doing a little gardening for her, watching a movie with her, or cooking could be a reset. Sometimes just walking away, getting a few minutes of quiet and deep breathing in another room helps in a emotion charged pinch.

BIG: I focused on my Mom. Total focus on her. What were her needs? What would make her happier, healthier? How could I make her last days the best days yet? What did I need to work on in me??? I was no longer satisfied with a day that went by where she wasn't enriched in some way. This meant arranging visits, therapy, whatever I could bring in to brighten her day ( and mine!). Flowers, my singing, sunshine, good TV shows, live music, good food, brushing her hair, doing her nails, giving her purpose by having her do things.

And a loving, gentle me.

When in her dementia she was so scared that she would bite us, we thought the answer was to restrain her. I soon learned that scared her more, and what she needed was love. I would simply & sweetly tell her she didn't need to bite, that we were helping her, and it worked! Gentle bred gentle, even when logic was gone. :)

And lastly, for me, Prayer. Which was first for me. That helped me greatly to be gentle, and to let go, and to see how I needed to change.

With that I say best of luck, an

Adding to my answer... you asked about your relationship. I didn't get into that directly, but it sounds like you are on the right track. My answer deals more with your stress and your Dad's, which is more getting at the root. I believe your sibling relationship will naturally once again thrive, once the elephant in the room is addressed; the stress of caring for your Dad. :) Again, best to you!

I am in the same situation. Going on ten years now for me. I have 4 siblings who all live within a couple miles from my parents. My husband and I live 70 miles away yet have responsibility for handling their household, coordinating their care, and even doing direct care on weekends or when caregivers don’t show up. I am a therapist but have never been able to change the dynamic. My mother is the central problem. She talks behind my back - complains about, blames, and accuses me of things I’m not doing as part of a whole “projection” process. I assure you I’ve tried EVERYTHING with my siblings and nothing works. I think this is because:
(1) they don’t want to do anything that disrupts their life,
(2) they don’t care enough,
(3) they need an excuse for abandoning their parents to relieve their guilt, and
(3) they have drank my mother’s “koolaid” and believe her lies, and perceptions.

So I’ve concluded that nothing I do is going to work because of these things. A harsh reality. I focus on what I believe is right, I have gone no contact with 2 of them, and I am hanging by a thread with the other two trying to decide if I want to completely lose any possibility of seeing my nieces and nephews if I tell them what I really think about what they’ve done to my husband and I.

I suggest a book. This is someone I’ve gotten to know over the past few years. Her work is very well researched and vetted in clinical practice. I think you will find it both validating and helpful as you walk this difficult path (see below. It’s on Amazon). The author has recently started a You tube channel that you might find helpful.

I’m anxious for it to be over. I don’t know if my relationships with my siblings will ever recover. They would have to be willing to look at THEIR role in why we are having problems, in order for these to healthy relationships for me.

Goid luck and god bless you for what you are doing.

“Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role Paperback – September 28, 2020 - Rebecca Mandeville - on Amazon

You Tube - Search: Rebecca Mandeville, LMFT

My relationship with siblings was fractured years ago and my mother has made it worse - intentionally.

I have had to accept that my mother will lie to me and about me. She will “need” me to wait on her hand and foot, then the moment one of the siblings shows up, all of sudden she can do everything herself. What they don’t see after they leave is how exhausted she is.

I don’t live with my mother or near her. But I am her go-to the moment she needs care and help.

It is in her best interest now to keep us at odds. I am the last hold out for putting her in an Alf and taking her car keys. Both siblings have told her she “doesn’t need” to put anything in a trust they want all of her money to be used to “take care of her”. They don’t understand what is going to happen to EVERYTHING if she goes into an ALF. I have my doubts she can live on $50 a month, since her cell phone bill is more than that. I’m not sure who my siblings think is going to pay for other things. Lowball guess is roughly $200 a month unless she is almost fully incapacitated.

It sounds like your sister reached out to you in a positive way so I'd say there is hope for your relationship. You obviously had a close relationship in the past so I believe it is likely repairable. You seem to recognize that your sister being out of state limits what she can do to help in the caretaking, but you add "won't". What do you expect her to do? If you know of something that is feasible, tell her. Have you told her that while it is not easy, taking care of your dad it is YOUR CHOICE, you do the best you can, and the best thing she could do is be supportive of your decisions. If you emphasize that you do all the work will not help the relationship. Tell her that you are glad she is able to talk to your dad but would rather hear about what he seems to be enjoying doing rather than a repeat of his complaints. At the same time express your opinion that you think it is dad just complaining and it may be because he recognized his own decline and can't do as much as he used to. That sense of losing independence is probably as hard or harder on your dad as it is for you seeing the decline that results in him losing some of his independence. Tell her that if she has any ideas to help him be happier, you are open to suggestions. Has your dad or sister ever suggested other living arrangements like a retirement home? If so, have you researched it to see if it is feasible?

Have you told her that you would like to have more conversations like the one on your birthday? Tell her that you are glad to update her on your dad but you want to keep up on her and her family and share information about your daughter and others.

I don’t know if you can repair a fractured relationship with siblings. You can’t change anyone else’s opinions and behavior. You can only change your outlook on the situation and respond accordingly.

Sometimes, parents influence siblings as well. I dealt with this too. It seemed like whenever I tried to tell my side of the story, my siblings couldn’t understand because they hadn’t experienced what I had as a caregiver.

Truth be told, I had no idea what caregiving would be like before I became a caregiver myself.

I finally let go of trying to convince my siblings of anything because holding on seemed to make matters worse, especially for me.

I was the primary caregiver for my mom for many years. I was at my wit’s end. My brother criticized me and felt that he could do a better job, so I told him to go ahead and try. I told mom that she should stay with him because I was worn out!

Oh boy, did he change his tune after mom was under his roof. I am glad that I let him take over so he could see firsthand what it was like to be a full time caregiver.

He apologized to me and realized how difficult it was for me. Our relationship healed before my mom died and now I have a great relationship with all of my siblings.

No one can predict the future. We can hope for the best. Sometimes it works out and sometimes due to certain circumstances it doesn’t ever work out.

We have to find peace in our hearts no matter which way it goes. It will only hurt us if we become bitter or resentful due to the pain that we have experienced.

One more thing, having a wonderful therapist was a Godsend! I learned a lot about myself and others in therapy.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Hi, I am in same boat as you are. I live on another continent and my father had stroke 6 yrs back. My mom became his primary care giver. My brother & his family lives with them. My parents are brother never had close relation, many layers of past incidents. My mom fell during Covid time making bad situation worse. Every day was living nightmare, I dread to make call. Tried bridging gaps, helped Financially but things escalated quickly as my brothers family was doing heavy lifting and they needed compensation for that. Though it wasn't stated but that's what it boiled down. Mom passed away in Oct'22, I didn't go as cremation happened quickly and I was at loss. I booked ticket to visit dad in Oct'23 with intention of doing mom's one year passing ceremony but Dad passed away in Jan.
It's never easy, deep breathe accept as things comes. Don't think too much about past, we can't change but it will definitely ruin future. If your sis has extended olive branch, be a bigger person🙏

Make a family appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist. Please video Dad when he's trying to manipulate your relationship with your sister. If sister cannot trust you to take care of Dad, the way she would, then request that she pick up Dad for a 6 month visit................she may have a lot clarity once she has participated in his care.

Yes certainly unkind if him to vent on sister and being elderly his perceptions are not reality.
maybe a nice follow up note to sister in how her gift touched you and that you treasure her and your relationship with her.
when she calls you try to redirect topic. Even though you know his complaints are incorrect, try to focus only on “ I understand it concerns you to hear dad tell you that . If I were in your shoes I would find those words distressing also , I can assure you that dad is cared for and not spoken to harshly.”
also out some decision making into her like “ dad told you he didn’t like my schedule for him, what do you think- bath before lunch or after dinner?” ( whatever topic you think can be flexible for you to have her offer her decision on).
are there any pamphlets from library or aging Dept on elderly parents and strains in siblings? Maybe sending that with a note that your role is hard when Dad seems unappreciative about y on the calls to her and you found info that shows this isn’t a problem unique to you and her.
once he passes try to reconnect with her with childhood stories and positive relationship stories of things you two have shared .
seems like her gift was a reach out to you.

I had an honest talk with my mother about her yelling at me, complaining about "everything," and about her doctors advice and treatments. I honestly told her I am an adult and I expect to be treated with respect or we could move on and terminate our caregiving arrangement. I was not emotional, just matter of fact, about what I expect from her as this is my life, too, and I am no longer a child. When my sister, who lives out of state, attempted to tell me what I have to do, I shut that down by telling her she has no right because she lived her life just as she pleases, so convenient for her. They both changed their tunes once I was honest and refused to be their scapegoat. Now, my older sister and I get along well because she realizes I am an adult who refuses to accept being directed by others who are unwilling to take my place. So, my advice is actually, demand the respect you deserve for the sacrifices and decisions you make on your father's behalf before your father passes. After that, the resentment will lose most of its power over you.

Sadly to say: you don’t!

I'm so hearing what's happening to you! We all go through this at some point. I'm not happy either and I don't even think we'll ever mend, not even at Mom's funeral eventually, oh, who's doing that?
Dad playing "the victim" gives them more attention and they don't know they're hurting us. They can't help it but the family should be more understanding of everything that they won't do!
I've just got the townhouse sold, took over a year due to family. The brother wants a copy of POA while I'm sorting through 6 garbage bags of papers to do her taxes? He'll help after I get it done,no! Then, he wants to hire a lawyer to get POA? No, doesn't want to do that,it could come back on him and hurt his family of two parents and three adult children. It's okay to blame me, actually said he'd burn the townhouse down before he would let me move in with her. Oh, I'm so mean?!?!?
You know you're doing what you can, heartbreaking and the mental infliction is totally unbearable. Stay calm and do something for yourself. I don't know what makes me happy anymore, really just numb. Eighteen inches of snow isn't helping either. I'm into a cup of hot chocolate recently.
Only time will tell,say thanks for remembering my birthday and you appreciated it. You and everyone here have been strong caregivers and you fight for your life trying to be something else. We can't fight things we can't control. It's not giving up but realizing we can't do it all. Yes, no support, but you can do this! Somehow you've gone this far, you can make it. With or without them. Oh, I want it to work for everyone! We're not the victim, we're the victors. Stand out and feel good about everything you do!
I'm sorry you got trashed for showing your love!
Julia