I had an important birthday this weekend and my sister sent me a lovely gift that surprised me and I called her, and we were able to just chat — about our lives, our kids, etc— for the first time in over a year.
It made me realize how much caring for our Dad has transformed what was once a fun, close relationship. Dad is great at pitting us against each other — I'm the primary caregiver, my sister is in denial about his needs, he doesn't like my choices and complains to her and then she thinks I'm being horrible, etc etc. Most of my calls from her are "Dad called me and said you were being mean to him/restricting him/he's unhappy," but since she lives in another state, she can't (and won't) do more than parrot his complaints.
It's affected not just our relationship but our family's as well — she used to be very close to my teenage daughter (she only has sons) but that has been lost in all of this.
But Dad won't live forever, and at some point, we have to navigate having a sibling relationship that isn't about him. I admit I'm bitter about all I do (and the complaints with no help! As I'm sure you guys know about). But I'd still like to have a relationship with my sister, now, and in the future. How do you manage that when you are the caregiver who is doing everything (but the parent is convinced you are awful and wants to convince everyone else)?
Dealing with my parents/estate has actually brought my sister and I closer together--though there's that occasional day when we each want to strangle each other. Our brother...Who? He's been MIA for years--then tried to swoop in when our mom was dying and told Hospice he was "nursing her." Umm...who are you again?
Best part was when funeral home guy tried to deal with our brother (I'm executor, was POA) while my sister and I were in the same room. Better believe I shut that down damn fast. (Actually, my sister is now a family legend for throwing him out of the house because of that Hospice incident.) My brother and I had a chance to chat non-parents while waiting to sign papers at the funeral home later. It's fine or fine enough. But as my sister and I have been cleaning out house, listing it, paying bills...we haven't heard from him once. When our dad first died, we got tired of complaining about our brother so we gave him some things we needed him to do when he could. He never did any of them.
When I placed mom in an ALF, I called and told him he needed to fund what Medicaid would not pay. He agreed but never had to help since she died before it was needed,
I will not go into his excuses. They were weak at best. The last visit he made I was able to speak openly about my resentment. Not surprising, he actually believed he was helping (sending chocolates every couple of months).
However, once my mom died, we did come to some type of equilibrium. He acknowledged my sacrifice. He admitted he did nothing. That has helped me get past the resentment. We actually have a fragile new relationship that I hope will heal over time.
I still feel cheated but, now that mom is gone, he is the last connection to my family. I want to make it work. It will take time and will mostly likely be different than it could have been.
When you are a caregiver your entire life is surrounded by that duty. Once that caregiving time has ended, at least for me, I wanted “normal” and normal meant creating that sibling connection again.
Perhaps you are stronger than I, but it was difficult for me to forgive and forget when I was in the middle of the caregiving duties.
Although I didn't live with my mother, she demanded more and more of my time (even though I set strict limits). She tried to get me to do Internet research for her obsessions. I refused. She got one of my brothers to do it. When I suggested that another brother do something she was demanding of me, she flew off the handle, telling me that MY time wasn't valuable like my brother's was.
After she was hospitalized for a gallbladder infection, then went to rehab, then to LTC, I requested compensation for all the hours. The main POA brother was the one who came down most often, and he understood what I was going through. He agreed, and also offered to compensate me for the past caregiving. The other two brothers didn't put up a fuss (although the one who was least involved wanted me to wait until the trust settlement after my mother died -- I said no. I knew the trust stated that any beneficiary who tried to get more than their 1/4 split would get nothing). When I brought up compensation to my mother earlier, she hissed at me, "You don't pay FAMILY!"
So I got paid $20/hour. The pay went a long way towards easing my resentment, as I could consider the hours spent as a job. It was all gifted to me, and because my mother would never become Medicaid-eligible, I had to pay no taxes on it.
This obviously wouldn't work for everyone. I was one daughter who refused to put up with the unequal distribution of caregiving that so many daughters allow to happen.
BTW, I set up from the beginning of the more intense caregiving (basically when my mother gave up driving at age 90 and I had to become her driver and thus had to spend a lot more time with her) that I might want compensation at some point. I emailed my brothers once a week, letting them know what I did for our mother, how much time it took, what she was like, etc. So none of them could claim to be surprised at what was going on (particularly the two who rarely came down to see her).
My mom is late stages dementia. Her youngest son my younger brother just wiped his hands of anything to do with her, my mom his mom lives with me, I am the primary health caregiver to her. I do everything. He don't even call me or her or visit me or her, he lives one mile down the road. So he wiped his hands of me as well. He and I were very close now we don't exist.
So how will that relationship be pieced back together?
You may want to consider putting Dad in Memory care if he can afford it. Or a nice Long-term care facility on Medicaid if he can't. His care is going to be more and more as his Dementia progresses. The sooner you place him, the sooner he adjusts.
My mom used to try to pit my sister and me against each other. When we had a conversation about it, we agreed that we'd discount anything negative she says (usually about me, the caregiver/chaperone) and talk only to each other when information was needed. It worked like a charm, and we've been incredibly close for many years…simply because we cut out the middle man.
Good luck!