My husband’s mother is a narcissist and has an extreme lack of empathy for anyone or anything to a scary degree. Husband says she has always been that way but now, aging and possibly beginning of some sort of dementia has been exasperated. She has no sense what is clean or dirty, not bathing regularly or washing hands, etc. She is never happy in any way, with any subject. She lives in a home most would be very happy and wants for nothing. But, she will only speak of her needs and desires, medication, etc. she can never, ever be positive about anything, ever. she will debate anything. She cannot do the simplest task to help keep up after she or her shedding dog. She flips everything on me in every situation. I cannot walk thru my own house without being caught for hours. I feel like a stranger in my home and the mental and physical beat down after only three months is immense. My husband has just begun retirement process from a very stressful job. He has had some health concerns that she is not even yet aware of. That and other issues take precedence over trying to resolve this serious problem. Holidays have always been so
special to me. She gets great satisfaction in preventing celebrations or destroying them. Really anything important to me she tries to laugh off or criticize in some phony, passive aggressive manner. My husband seems blind to how adept she is at manipulating him, doctors or just about anyone who doesn’t spend lengthy periods of time with her. She has no
feeling at all for anything outside of herself but demands her needs met at the precise moment she wants them to be. I don’t know when I became the “caretaker and maid.” I have been walking this thin line, trying to keep husband from stressing and to keep her “happy” and cared for. I am so mentally and physically rundown, that I don’t even want to look at her. I have nowhere to find peace in the house. I feel like a prisoner in my own home at a time when we should have been able to plan to begin enjoying retirement. How in the world do you reason with someone who doesn’t care to do so? When confronted, Her answer is always, “I don’t know or No one told me.” She brags that she got thru life by saying “I don’t know” so people wouldn’t expect much of her. She just continues on her way with no regard for the way she affects our lives, marriage, house or anything else. My mother has passed. This woman is not my mother, and I have all but lost any feeling for trying to care for her. She doesn’t have enough for AL and her monthly income in this state is too much for government assistance. I adore my husband but he will not really ever stand up for me or against his mom. I am so lost and staring at the new year with no relief is incredibly daunting.
Plans need to change & adapt too.
Do you want strategies for dealing with MIL's behaviour?
Or are you re-thinking living all together?
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this miserable situation. You’re clearly at your wits end. I don’t blame you for being exasperated with this situation.
I understand that you love your husband. Surely, you must be disappointed in his behavior though. He has allowed his mother to have control of your home. There hasn’t been any boundaries established. Have you tried speaking to her yourself or would your efforts be in total vain?
How long have you been married? Was this living arrangement with his mom supposed to be a temporary situation or was it an open ended offer?
How long has your mother in law been living with you? Does she have any major medical issues? You stated that she has mental issues and that your husband has said that she has always behaved in this way.
So, are you saying that he invited her into your home in spite of her behavior? Or did she ask to live with you and he didn’t want to say no to her? I’m trying to fully understand your situation.
Did your husband ask if you minded her moving in? Is he bothered by the way she treats you? Are you at the point of leaving if she stays?
You are not obligated to care for her. You married her son, not his mom. Have you told your husband exactly how you feel about this situation?
I don’t care if she has gotten by all her life by ‘playing dumb’ and saying that she ‘doesn’t know’ anything. It’s your husband’s place to ‘educate’ her on the fact that she has made a nuisance of herself by living in your home. It’s his place to tell her to leave.
Your mother in law will have to figure out her financial and future living arrangements. Your husband could assist her in coming up with a plan.
It must infuriate you that your husband doesn’t stand up for you. He is married to you and not his mother.
I hope that I wasn’t too blunt but this is what I see from your posting.
I would say that you need couples counseling but I don’t have much faith that he would attend. That shouldn’t stop you from going though to gain a better perspective on your relationship with your husband.
Wishing you all the best.
We will have some concrete suggestions, but need some clarification.
1. Has MIL moved in with you, or you with she?
2. How long have you been married?
3. Who has Power of Attorney for finances and healthcare for MIL?
4. What state do you live in?
This is a soluable problem. You cannot "convince" MIL of anything: YOUR actions are what will need to change.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/narcwise.com/2018/01/20/break-free-from-abuse-by-emotionally-unhooking-starving-the-narcissist-heres-how/%3famp=1
Narcissism causes an adult to act like a demonstrative 2 yr old, that's 20's---50's etc. Something gets broken during 1st couple yrs of development. Most mothers like this raise their children to be their slaves, doormats, etc, if you can imagine that. They see their children as extensions of themselves, existing only to serve their wants & needs. They also see their children's wives/husbands and their grandchildren just as they do their own son or daughter, as extensions only there to serve them. Weird right....
Psychologists have the hardest time getting narcissists to even come to their office. Even harder for a return visit because all narcissists are completely convinced they are fine, better than fine, all that (See Donald Trump, Madonna etc.) Real truth is their ego's (internal souls) are so fragile they created an entire world view of themselves that has nothing to do with reality you see & experience. She lit may see herself as a loving mom & mother-in-law, believe it or not. Thats what makes it a personality disorder ie psychological mess dumped in your yard to clean up endlessly.
My mother causes me & my wife of 33 yrs problems w/a phone fr a nursing home, she never quits with the demands, games etc. My mother 4me is a trigger, "THE TRIGGER!" For last 41 yrs all we have done is fight, never giving into her. Wasn't until my early 40's figured out what we were dealing with exactly: a narcissistic personality named mom.
#1: She is never going to stop, she can't... #2: You will never be able to reason with her. She couldn't see herself except thru the "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, telling her she's the fairest one of all", in her 20's fwd. How can she with dementia and her decline? That's the real of it. Investigate narcissistic mothers via the web, tons of stuff. Reasoning with her is futile!!!!! Hoping she will eventually chill out is futile!!!!!
Not to disparage your marriage one iota, just going to say this. My mother is my mother, my wife does nothing to take care of her, it's my responsibility 100%! She doesn't even go in the nursing home, take calls nor buy her clothing etc, all that is my responsibility. All her bills, care of any sort is my duty...
If your husband wants her cared for w/minimal effort fr him, put her in a nursing home near by. Elder law attorney's can fast track such things. Her doctor can help fast track that as well. Get her on Medicaid if your state allows. Taking a toxic person w/narcissistic personality disorder into your home is going to break U or your marriage or both. That is its very design. The queen rules, U and your husband are but the court jesters as has been myself, my wife and son. My son stopped speaking to his grandmother 15 yrs ago, he is almost 33 now. Has zip to do with her, thinks I am crazy for taking care of her, even in a nursing home environment, limited contact as that is.
Hope this helps sum. Sorry your being dragged thru this hellish nightmare. My nightmare is now 51 yrs and counting. Know the drill all too well. Grew up under that constant drumbeat till I left at 17, joined Army in 1988.
if can help you or your husband any further
The question is WHY did this happen? Why did mil move in with you? What other family members are there? Were the expectations of you laid out from the start? And, did you agree to this arrangement?
"I adore my husband but he will not really ever stand up for me or against his mom."
Then that is a big problem. Would he choose her over you? Because it may come to that. Would he go to couples counseling? The goal would be to make him see that this arrangement isn't working out and that mil has to leave, NOT to make you accept your caregiving slave situation.
Find out as much about her financial situation as you can (social security amount, pension, assets, investments). Last year's tax return is a good place to start.
Investigate, starting with the local Area Agency on Aging, what resources are available to older adults. Adult Day Care, Senior Centers, meal assistance.
Find out what Medicaid programs exist in your state. Make sure you look at "long term care" Medicaid and "Waiver programs". Find out if Memory Care can be paid for via waivers.
Ask the AAA to come to your home to do a "needs assessment". Be there for that assessment. Correct any misinformation Mil gives.
Get MIL on every waiting list you can for low cost senior housing.
Make YOURSELF an appointment to see a licensed therapist to talk about your dysfunctional living situation. I am struck by the fact that you "adore" a husband who is at once a coward and a bully.
Stop explaining, justifying or defending your actions. Any attention you give MIL is fuel for her narcissistic tendencies. Look up Grey Rock and put it into action.
Stop providing "services" for her.
Give that all a shot and let us know how it goes. Actions speak much more loudly than words...
Duti,
Now DH is retiring, you need to turn the reins over to him.* He needs to see what a pain Mom is and how she is going to effect his retirement. With everything you have said, she needs to be in a NH. If she has no money, then apply for Medicaid. You need to set boundries for yourself because she will try to cross them. Its your house that she has been welcomed into. She needs you more than you need her and she needs to know this. She should be doing what she can for herself otherwise you are disabling her. There is a book, Christian based, called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says its very good. Also, look up the "Grey Rock Method". You literally ignore her. You do what needs to be done, but you ignore her. You do not engage with her in any way.
I would not have called my MIL a Narcissist but she liked things to go her way. She was passive agressive and tended to tell lies. (My DH said she exaggerated) I think her sons learned early on to just say "yes" and then do what they wanted. I will tell you, my DH never said no, but he never said yes. Actually by not saying no, she took it as a yes and I usually was the one who said no. Just think the boys found it was easier just to let her think what she wanted. They married women who used the word no. She would have never lived with me and TG we never had to make that decision.
*I know your husband has health problems. Could they be caused by being raised by this woman? He needs to see what u go thru 24/7 with her for him. You cannot take care of the two of them if his health worsens and maybe it will improve if she is not living with you. I don't think you need therapy, I think he does. All he owes this woman is to be safe, clean, warm and fed. That all can be done in a NH so you both can have your home back. Right now he can handle his Mom because he works and has you doing the rest. He needs to see that living with Mom 24/7 is not going to work.
Have you checked to see if your state Medicaid allows for Qualified Income Trusts aka Miller Trust?
This is how you would get her qualified for assistance. It really does require an attorney to set up but, well worth the money, MIL would be paying, of course.
You have to be honest with your husband, this kind of stress could kill you. He is ill and he would be stuck with this situation solo, if something happened to you. What would happen to his health then?
It is okay to tell him that you love him dearly but, you can't live with his mom and she needs to go. I wouldn't threaten to leave, I would say that if he feels obligated to be her 24/7 caregiver then he has to do it some place besides your home.
Have you ever stood up for yourself with the old battle ax? It is okay to tell her to wait, get it herself, leave you alone and shut her mouth or whatever you feel needs to be said. You DO NOT need to be her servant. If she can't do anything then she needs a nursing home and since she's just miserable anyways, who cares if she likes it or not.
Start today standing up for yourself and telling her no. It can't possibly be any worse for you and maybe, your husband needs to deal with her to understand what a miserable person she is.
You matter too, please do not let his health concerns destroy you by carrying the load for both him and his miserable mom.
It does seem as if Bad MIL has some dementia, and it may be more than a mild stage. You can't reason with people who have dementia, and counseling might not help because her brain may lack capacity to understand. From what you tell us, that seems to be the case now.
If you have a big enough house, claim some corner of it that can be locked and go lock yourself in there at least once a day for as long as you can. One hour, two hours? Your bedroom would do. Make it clear that you're not to be disturbed because you're meditating or practicing yoga or taking a nap (but being by yourself with no activity is fine; you don't need to say that, though). And then don't come out unless she's set the house on fire.
I hope you can make a plan to help yourself and find peace in this new year.
Dutifulntired, would recommend getting out by yourself as much as you can, scheduling counselling for you & your husband, and getting a dementia diagnosis from a neurologist for your MIL..
If MIL has 'always been this way', a 'narcissist' and all the rest of it, why on earth would your husband move her into your HOME and thrust her upon YOU to care for? I'd issue the man an ultimatum: it's her or ME, buddy. If he has this little respect for you and your feelings that he'd move such a dreadful person into your home where you have no life, no privacy, and she ruins even your holidays, why are you even married to him???? Marriage needs to be based on mutual respect. Not where one person lays down the law & the other person has no choice but to say Okay Honey, No Problem, and then suffer every day of her life thereafter.
I see this as a marriage problem, not a MIL problem. A man who won't stand up for his WIFE and can't/won't say no to his momma. A wife should come first in a man's life when he says I Do. Otherwise, he Does Not and the wife loses out. How is it you don't see this?
See a lawyer or two. One who can talk to you about divorce and another who can talk to you about how to get MIL out of the house and into managed care of some kind where she can tell others "I don't know" and see how far it will get her. It's worked all these years b/c nobody's had the chutzpah to stand up to her B.S. That gig is up now, IF you or DH have the chutzpah to say it is.
Good luck.
The flipping everything on you and trying to make the blame for everything fit you means she's in competition with you for her son's attention. This is more common than people think.
You don't have to let this miserable, petty, negative, narcissistic, manipulative a$$hole ruin your life, home, and marriage because she's old and happens to be an in-law.
Your husband will have to decide that either he wants to live with mommy or with his wife because it's not going to be both. She goes into assisted living or managed care. Find somewhere for her to be placed then drop her off.
I would tell dear mother in-law that she has two choices: stop the bullying or look for a new place to live. I can't believe that your husband brought this burden into your life to deal with! If all else fails, send her to a nursing facility.
Heck, I'll get mad for you.
She has to go.
With all that said, would your husband even consider placement? If not, you and he can talk about hiring some help with her 'too much' money to help YOU. You clearly are at a breaking point dealing with someone else's mother - he/she need to participate in a plan to allow others to handle some of the chores you do for her. If he's dead set against that, too, then make a chore list and assign things to him. Tell him you want and need help.
I think your MIL should be moved into a facility, far away from Your House!
Was your husband a 'mama's boy'? Some men never really cut those apron strings, and the Narcissistic mothers are fine with that constant attention/ownership of their offspring; and some women resent any woman who comes into the picture to divide the son's devotion, making the 'interloper' miserable, feeling like an outcast in their own home. You are not a 'squatter' in your home; it is your home; MIL is essentially a Guest.
Put your foot down, after you find out all your legal protections. This is not deceptive, this is sensible self-protection. You and your husband must be a united front with his mother; otherwise you are 'odd (wo)man out.' Your 'adoration' of your husband might be affecting your seeing your predicament accurately. This also looks like almost classic 'triangulation'...a setup whereby the 3 parties are co-dependent and no real growth can happen; someone always gets the 'raw deal.' Wishing all the best for all concerned.
I work from home and have an office across from her room. She never really worked herself and one of my frustrations is she doesn't respect what we've asked of her, if my door is closed do not call me unless it's urgent, if I am on a Teams or Zoom call, same thing. She still calls me so I have stopped jumping up each time she calls. Typical requests are food, help to the bathroom, change the TV channel (lady you've been using a remote how long?), wanting to change or bath. I've set some clear boundaries but will be setting more, like I do not help her bath unless my husband is home. She is a fall risk. Like you if she asks me to take her to the store, or to go get her something I tell her no and we will have to do it later. Once she came out of her room and went to the front door, her friend was there and she was demanding he take her out. He told her no because her mobility is bad, he doesn't want to make my husband mad, and he doesn't want to be responsible for if her health fails.
I told her kids I was going to make her a shirt, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too soft, it's too hard, it's too sweet, it's not sweet enough, I want it, no I don't want it. These all get old with her. I'm looking for other boundaries that I can set with her, lately she's feeling better and seems to becoming more of a diva and I feel she has been competing for my husband's attention. It is very frustrating as she is pushing more now for her own wants and expectations.
For your own wellbeing and sanity you need to immediately get your MIL out of your home and into an affordable apartment of her own and have aides come in a few days a week to assist her. If you do not get her out of your home you will end up getting a mental breakdown. I have experienced what you are going through, and I can relate and empathize with you.
For your own sanity, do not make your MIL break you or your marriage. I urge you to do what’s right for YOU.
Consult an elder law attorney to see what your options are and the financial picture to place her elsewhere. They may have additional insight about paying to place her in assisted living. They are used to both the legal aspects and the family issues of caregiving. Our elder law attorney also recommended a great assisted living facility. With this knowledge you can approach your husband with a game plan. You cannot continue this way. It isn't healthy for you mentally, emotionally or physically. There is a 63% higher mortality rate for caregivers with all other factors being equal. If you issue an ultimatum, be prepared to follow through even if it's a month stay in a suite in long term lodging. He may discover he can't ignore the situation anymore.
Zero Tolerance! MIL needs to be moved out of Your Home, no exceptions! Have her placed into a mental hospital or care facility.
If you requires financial assistance if forced to leave your own home for sanity and safety reasons, ask an attorney or county for assistance. Good Luck!
If you don't want to continue living this way, keep this little phrase on your lips, "nothing changes if nothing changes." BE THE CHANGE!
I'm all for people seeking out mental health services, but elderly people do not change.
A manipulative narcissist who also has dementia is not going to benefit from anything a geriatric psychiatrist can do for them.
They need to be placed and cared for by professional caregivers.
KEY behaviors from you:
* Ignore her; do not engage at all. You want to avoid any confrontation or arguing, which is exactly what she wants.
* If you walk away, she has no one to 'fight' with (but herself).
* If you feel inclined to respond, say "I hear you feel xxx" then walk away (as she will immediately substantiate her position / feelings to keep you engaged. Do not allow this). She is baiting or bating you like a fish on a pole, reeling you in.
Do not allow yourself to be pulled into this exchange.
You need to find yourself again.
HUSBAND
* If your husband doesn't support you / stand up for you, then let him handle his mother. Take yourself out of the equation.
* Question yourself: How can you 'adore' a man / husband who treats you like this? This sounds like a dependency kind of love - he is not supporting you, his wife.
* You need to find the strength inside you to feel good about yourself - without his support and regardless of how his mother speaks to you.
* Once you decide how you want / need to be supported by him, have a serious sit-down discussion outlining your needs.
* See if he actually understands how you feel (he may not (?)
* Depending on his response, you must decide how involved you will be - while his mother is in the picture.
FIND SUPPORT
* You need to vent / gain support from family / friends - wherever you can find it (besides here).
* You need to shift your in-the-moment toxic experience to:
- Going out in nature; focus on trees, flowers
- Go for a walk
- Write in a journal
- Do ANYTHING to shift when you feel belittled or beaten down emotionally and psychologically.
- Do healthy behaviors: walk, exercise, meditate. Don't turn to self-destructive behaviors such as stuffing in feelings with over-eating or whatever you might be inclined to do. This is a time when you need to FEEL what you FEEL. Do not judge how you FEEL. Make a DECISION to change your behavior(s) to change the situation.
DO KNOW / REMEMBER
* If you allow this / these scenarios to continue, it is what you are doing to yourself.
* You need to take responsibility for your own reactions / behavior. If you do not change, the situation will not change.
Gena / Touch Matter
Well said and exactly right. Self-destructive behaviors are often the 'Go-To' when a person is is abused or bullied.
I "stuffed" my feelings and smoked like a house on fire for a long time.
I let my mother's abuse and belittling go out of control when I moved back in here. I played into her games for a long time and ate myself up to 250 pounds and smoked two packs a day.
I lost just over 100 of those pounds and haven't smoked in two years because I stopped playing her games. When she acts up she gets ignored completely. She now doubles-down on the verbal abuse and attempts at guilt-tripping and belitting because she knows the clock is ticking and I'm leaving soon. She's in denial and thinks that in the end I'll take her with me to live back with my ex-husband and son.
Not happening.
husband probably blocks some issues for his own sanity since childhood. I totally affirm how awful a narcissist can be. I felt with my abusiveness mother .
I do agree with the post below as to literally ignoring her words to you. Walk away or continue your task. It did work for me .