A man, who claims to be a friend of mom's, is visiting her only at meal times. She is in nursing home and she is on puréed food. She can feed her self with encouragement. My aunt has sent him there, basically, because she doesn't think she is getting adequate help. Mom will be placed in hospice care next week.
What do I do? I don't like this guy. I'm not found of my aunt. She's always been manipulative and money moochers.
However...
---Short staff conditions epic in facilities = not enough people to feed patients,
---much less figure out if any visitors are banned, unless someone made a huge scene, such that staff remarkably remembered the person enough to tell them to leave.
Might be better to learn:
1. if the relative really instigated that guy to visit; or,
2. if the guy thinks he's gonna score a "free" meal himself; or,
3. if he is there for some other reasons [which might be OK...or not].
Help feeding Mom maybe's a good thing; it's fairly common for staff to over-estimate patient's abilities. Unless there's more to it...like manipulating Mom to get something, be it a "free" meal, or new legal papers signed, or a piece of the estate.
Without more answers about why the guy is there, hard to tell.
If he's there actually helping with Mom's care, staff usually appreciate that help...as long as the visitor keeps behaving properly.
And yes...mealtimes in facilities are like herding cats. It's nuts!
Add to the ones milling in the dining areas, the ones needing fed in hallways near nurses' stations, and the bed-bound patients...OY!
Staff [the ones doing hands-on care], at both acute and long-term care facilities, are chronically under-staffed, under-paid, and over-worked. Friends and relatives who want to come help with meals, etc., are thankfully appreciated!
Again, thank you everyone for your suggestions.
I have spoken with SW, Omsbudsman, 2 attorneys and the police. Nothing can be done. If he becomes unruly, the facility can ask him to leave. He doesn't. I've tried.
Being fed or foraging around with the rest may be the most attention they get.
Oh I know there's activities and such, but I've found people love to talk about themselves and interest. The bigger my ears and smile are the more they open and flourish. I notice too they like to hold something. I would bring little trinkets, Disney character figures, toys or odd gadgets as a gift. Visit, and when you do take time to visit as many as you can. Ask about the ones that don't have visitors and make up a silly excuse if you have too, "you look like my uncle jack or aunt Jill, what part of the country were you born ? The gift of gab for Christmas.
Yes, the most capable got served first. Those that needed some help were served next but some patients wanted to be fed even thought they are able to feed themselves.... the nurses/aides went to those patients last as they wanted those patients to learn for themselves. In the mean time the Staff was feeding those, like my Mom, who couldn't quite handle feeding herself, she would try to eat using the spoon upside down.
I noticed more Staff help at dinner time, and not long after dinner once again it was like herding cats to get those into their room by 7:30 pm for the night. Some could escape back out into the halls and back to the dining/common room, it was so interesting to watch. A bit comical at times, but I know not funny for the Staff. Once I overhead a nurse/aide say "Lord, give me strength" and I understood why.
The Staff is delighted when a family member comes in to help feed their love one. My Dad and his Caregiver go daily, and the Caregiver feeds Mom as sometimes Mom won't let Dad feed her. Mom thinks the Caregiver is her sister [she does resemble that sister].
Next kindly ask his name. I would leave the aunt out of the conversation entirely - unless HE brings up her name. If he comes across as legitimate and you think he's a positive, tell him - pick the best word to fit the circumstances.
If you accept, tell him it's nice she has company at mealtime.
I would let staff know he seems to be a fine individual, questionable, or someone she doesn't seem to like.
As I've been looking more and more into long-term care options, and based on my observations, staff usually serve the most mobile/verbal patients first. Having this group fairly anchored, staff pick up the trays, go to the less capable patients seated at a table. Next staff carry trays to patients in their rooms and feed this group.
Mealtime is a major undertaking in a short staffed facility. They have a quick turn around time to get medications to patients who need to "take with meals", those who meals must be delivered to rooms, patients fed, tables cleared, and carts and condiments removed from the area.
Throughout this entire process, family, friends, volunteers arrive, announced and unannounced. Extra eyes and ears are essential as the facilities are understaffed. A visitor's presence serves as the squeaky wheel that gets the grease first. Your mom's visitor may also be helping someone else by his mere presence. It's just how things work. A lot of non-verbal communication takes place and it's a powerful tool that helps others in need.
Since your Mom's days are so limited, I would not discourage this man unless Mom communicates she does not like him. By all means, leave your aunt out of the conversation or visit entirely - unless he brings up her name.
If you have the proper documents in place, there is probably little the aunt can do and nothing the man can do regarding any resources. If you seriously believe there will be problems with your aunt after Mom's death I would be lining up the documents in case legal help is required during any settlement or Probate process.
The most important is your Mom's opportunity to have all the comfort and security available in her last days. Let us know what you finally decide.