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A man, who claims to be a friend of mom's, is visiting her only at meal times. She is in nursing home and she is on puréed food. She can feed her self with encouragement. My aunt has sent him there, basically, because she doesn't think she is getting adequate help. Mom will be placed in hospice care next week.
What do I do? I don't like this guy. I'm not found of my aunt. She's always been manipulative and money moochers.

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What does your Mom say or if she cannot speak does she indicate she doesn't want him there? Unless this man is totally disrupting your Mom, I see no reason why he can't be there to help feed your Mom. Just surprised your Mom's sister isn't there herself to help with her sister at meal time.
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It doesn't make any difference at all that you don't like this guy.

What's best for mom?
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Do you have POA for your mom? If so you may dictate who can visit and who cannot. You said this man comes to visit - do you even know his name? Ask the staff if she seems to like his visits or not, or what their impressions are of him. If you mom is of sound mind and does not want him to come all she has to do is speak up. If she likes his visits, then I think you have to abide by her wishes. I agree with your aunt - I am sure your mom's care is not adequate. I have spent many hours in my mom's nursing home and trust me no one is getting the care they deserve.
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I don't understand what you not liking your aunt has to do with you not liking this man. Are you under the impression he is eating your mom's food? I don't understand your objections to him.
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Are you concerned that your aunt has sent this man in an attempt to get access to your mother's assets?
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Ask someone in charge at the nursing home what you need to do to have this person barred from seeing your mother. If that doesn't work, consult an eldercare lawyer if you can afford it. Be sure to tell the person at the nursing home that your mother will be placed on hospice care soon. Tell the hospice social worker about your feelings about this man. The hospice social worker is supposed to work with you as well as with your mother. My late husband was on hospice care. Hospice was very helpful to me.
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What you may want to do a meeting with the man, your mom, and your aunt to get to the bottom of this. This is the best way to find out what's really going on. See if your mom wants this man there, and if she does then you should leave the situation alone as long as he's there to help your mom as indicated. If the man is really there to help with feeding your mom, then definitely let him if he really is there to actually help and he's actually doing what he agreed. If he happens to be a friend of your mom, you definitely don't want to separate friends, this is a time when your mom most needs him around. Next thing we want to do is check yourself to see why you don't like this man. This is done by doing some very serious soul-searching on your part, because wrongful judgment against someone you don't even know is exactly what's wrong with this world. After doing some very serious soul-searching, you never know that you might not have discovered that the problem is within you and not that man. It's very easy for anyone to judge someone we don't know and to try to push them away when they may really be our dearest friends in disguise. This is just something to consider before taking any action against that man. One more smart move to make is to ask the nursing home staff if man really is helping to feed your mom. If he is, then he really is doing what he came to do, and he should therefore be left alone as long as he's there with legitimately good intentions. I hope you will consider all of this during this time, because everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt until proven guilty he, and yes I said 'proven' guilty.
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Can you go to the facility? I would go during the same time. Sit in, see why he's there. He could be making sure she eating all her food. These facilities are not one to one. I see some great advice here. I would go there and talk to everyone, the staff, the Aunt and that man and I would do it as calmly as possible. Good luck to you.
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I know I would be suspicious of a strange man visiting my mother. I would talk to my aunt and see who he is and what is going on. Or get one of the nurses to find out. It is their job to feed her anyway. If your mother is capable, ask her and see what she says. Maybe she is afraid of him or doesn't like him, you need to find out.
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Is the man a caregiver of some sort? Experienced with the elderly? Or just someone your aunt knows that goes there because she asks? If he is there constantly and not being paid for his services I too, would be suspicious. Does your mother have assets that your aunt may want? If you are guardian or POA you can stop the visits but I would encourage communication with the aunt first to avoid a family feud.
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I think the issue here is communication. first, I would ask your mom what she thinks of the situation. If she doesn't object, maybe company at meal time is something she enjoys. I would show up at meal time and observe just what is going on. If your mom doesn't want him there, then I would tell him. Hospice care will provide a nurses aide for an hour a day (at least our hospice does) If so ask them to have the aide come at mealtime and maybe that will discourage him. I would also talk to your aunt and find out what is going on and why she asked this man to visit your mom. Last, I would speak with the social worker or supervisor at the home if you do not want this person to visit.
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Midchild honestly I would not worry too much. I applaud Your Aunt. This Man is only there with Your Mom to help, to encourage Her to consume all of Her food, and praise Your Mom when She does. Your Mom probably likes this Mam, and enjoys the company. It may be that it's the only company that Your dear Mom does enjoy, and She looks forward to spending that time at meal times chatting with this Gentleman. Most of Us are guilty of judging some one hastily, and discovering that We were completely wrong. I'd say worry not, give Them the benefit of the doubt.
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I'm sorry, but if your mother is benefitting from this gentleman encouraging her to eat, then it is a good thing! You would do well to try and help your mother for the time she has left instead of being nasty. Santa will not visit you if you continue on this path.
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I recommend informing the nursing home social worker, regarding your concern. Please reinforce your concern about "money moochers." Depending on where your mom resides, the SW and staff may be mandated reporters and should be aware of the situation. The professionals will need to report any suspicious activity. This is a vulnerable time for your mom and it is important that she is not taken advantage of. This man may be innocent, but it is good to pay attention to your gut instinct. If your mom assigned you to make decisions on her behalf, and If there is a trusted home health aid at your mom's facility, ask her/him if their facility allows them to work privately during their off duty time. If you have the funds, you can pay this individual and he/she will most likely identify others that can be available during meal times with your mom. The intention is to have an objective set of eyes/ears when this man is present. This can be from a paid case manager, you/friends, volunteers, etc. It can be presented that the aide is getting to know your mom during the meal time, and being a backup if the man is not available, or being available at other times, if her needs change. I would also discuss your concerns with the Hospice care team. Perhaps, they can place their home health aid and volunteers during these critical times. A good social worker from Hospice and a nursing home should be able to objectively look at all the individuals involved in your mom's care and share any red flags with the appropriate sources. I wish you and your family well.
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Does your mother still have access to money? If not, any money moochers are up a stump.
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I too would be suspicious of someone visiting my mom on a regular basis if she has never known this man. Your mom needs you to help protect her. The world is not as pretty as some want to paint it. If your mom has been close friends with this man in the past I am sure you would know him. The Aunt would be there in place of this man if she truely was concerned. We have to protect rotect our family now more than ever.
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Midchild, I know what it is to have manipulative relatives so I feel your pain. Did you mom tell you that he was "a friend"? I am paying a lady to go and visit my mom during the week, and mom thinks that this lady is "a friend" (actually if mom knew that I have hired that lady, she would not want to have anything to do with her, she has pulled that trick on me a couple of times already...). Can you find about more from your aunt or the nursing staff about this? Otherwise if possible you could make sure you "accidentally stumble" on the guy at meal times. I don't know if you or your aunt are your mom's guardian or have POA, but in any case this is your mom and it is OK for you to ask questions. Please try to keep your sanity through all this - I know how difficult it can be.
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I have a similar problem at my dad's AL. I have POA and was asked if "anyone" can visit him. I was hesitant at first as dad was a very prominent person in his county. He has dementia and I was hesitant about visitors, yet I didn't him isolated either. The head of his memory care unit and I decided that all visits were to be supervised by staff. I wrote a letter stating this. It was supposed to be kept at the reception area where visitors sign in. Then I find out that his former neighbor visited without calling first. He would bring junk mail from dad's mailbox, the church bulletin and the local town newspaper. Dad would become agitated after his visits. He was called and told to make an appt to visit. I am getting dad to adjust to his new surroundings, I don't need someone coming in to mess up what it took 3 months to create. My point....even with a letter at the reception area, the orders still aren't followed. I know the neighbor's intentions were good, but according to him, he's trying to jog dad's memory. Not going to happen. Only a person familiar with the patient knows what is best for their loved one. The neighbor no longer goes to visit as hecwon't ge told when he can visit!!!
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I would arrive at meal time. The first time I would approach the table and greet Mom, ask if she's feeling Ok. Next I would look him directly in the eyes and kindly say "I don't think I've met you. My name is xx and I'm her daughter. My Mom's always been a very social and fun (or funny or outgoing -you pick the right positive word or expression) person. No matter what, she's always (drawn in, attracted others, been the center of attention - you pick the right positive word or expression).
Next kindly ask his name. I would leave the aunt out of the conversation entirely - unless HE brings up her name. If he comes across as legitimate and you think he's a positive, tell him - pick the best word to fit the circumstances.
If you accept, tell him it's nice she has company at mealtime.
I would let staff know he seems to be a fine individual, questionable, or someone she doesn't seem to like.
As I've been looking more and more into long-term care options, and based on my observations, staff usually serve the most mobile/verbal patients first. Having this group fairly anchored, staff pick up the trays, go to the less capable patients seated at a table. Next staff carry trays to patients in their rooms and feed this group.
Mealtime is a major undertaking in a short staffed facility. They have a quick turn around time to get medications to patients who need to "take with meals", those who meals must be delivered to rooms, patients fed, tables cleared, and carts and condiments removed from the area.
Throughout this entire process, family, friends, volunteers arrive, announced and unannounced. Extra eyes and ears are essential as the facilities are understaffed. A visitor's presence serves as the squeaky wheel that gets the grease first. Your mom's visitor may also be helping someone else by his mere presence. It's just how things work. A lot of non-verbal communication takes place and it's a powerful tool that helps others in need.
Since your Mom's days are so limited, I would not discourage this man unless Mom communicates she does not like him. By all means, leave your aunt out of the conversation or visit entirely - unless he brings up her name.
If you have the proper documents in place, there is probably little the aunt can do and nothing the man can do regarding any resources. If you seriously believe there will be problems with your aunt after Mom's death I would be lining up the documents in case legal help is required during any settlement or Probate process.
The most important is your Mom's opportunity to have all the comfort and security available in her last days. Let us know what you finally decide.
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Go have lunch with them, and get back to us.
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Houseplant102, you are so right about meal times at a nursing home. I decided to see for myself how it works.... not to make light of it, it was like herding cats... the mobile patients were getting up and roaming before the dinner trays were placed, even those in wheelchairs. The nurses/aides had to bring them back to the tables. Rinse, repeat.

Yes, the most capable got served first. Those that needed some help were served next but some patients wanted to be fed even thought they are able to feed themselves.... the nurses/aides went to those patients last as they wanted those patients to learn for themselves. In the mean time the Staff was feeding those, like my Mom, who couldn't quite handle feeding herself, she would try to eat using the spoon upside down.

I noticed more Staff help at dinner time, and not long after dinner once again it was like herding cats to get those into their room by 7:30 pm for the night. Some could escape back out into the halls and back to the dining/common room, it was so interesting to watch. A bit comical at times, but I know not funny for the Staff. Once I overhead a nurse/aide say "Lord, give me strength" and I understood why.

The Staff is delighted when a family member comes in to help feed their love one. My Dad and his Caregiver go daily, and the Caregiver feeds Mom as sometimes Mom won't let Dad feed her. Mom thinks the Caregiver is her sister [she does resemble that sister].
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I would find out the real reason he's there and then decide what to do. Unless someone has a special calling, as a minister to the elderly or community volunteer, I find it odd a man would visit a strange woman in a nursing home, with no ulterior motive. Seniors normally love visits and often aren't the best judge of character for someone who's being nice to them, so I would confirm things for myself. I would be highly suspicious and take it quite seriously. I've seen the shenanigans that unscrupulous people can cause.
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Oh, the fact our aunt is involved means little to me. She may be unsuspecting too. Con people come in all shapes and sizes.
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I've seen this often. The feeling I have is its a lonely, left alone life.
Being fed or foraging around with the rest may be the most attention they get.
Oh I know there's activities and such, but I've found people love to talk about themselves and interest. The bigger my ears and smile are the more they open and flourish. I notice too they like to hold something. I would bring little trinkets, Disney character figures, toys or odd gadgets as a gift. Visit, and when you do take time to visit as many as you can. Ask about the ones that don't have visitors and make up a silly excuse if you have too, "you look like my uncle jack or aunt Jill, what part of the country were you born ? The gift of gab for Christmas.
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Actually I wish we had a family friend to visit my mom at meal times. She is also on a pureed diet and we are told she can feed herself, sometimes with assistance. We actually hired someone to be with her 2 days a week to help her at breakfast and lunch but this person quit for full time work. I think it is a very nice gesture on your aunt's part to find someone willing to do this. Of course I don't know the family dynamics but on the surface it seems nice. Even if your aunt is somehow up to no good, the end result is help for your mom. Trust me at meal times they will say, here is your lunch Mrs. Smith, hand her a soup spoon and say go to it. That is what they mean by encouragement. We can only be there on weekends, so the weekdays and all breakfasts are totally dependent on the nursing home staff of which there are too few and they are overworked. Perhaps saying thanks to your aunt would be in order.
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When an adult daughter/son of an elderly parent has a "gut-feeling" that something is out of order with any realm of their parent's situation, that needs to be attended to and encouraged rather than making accusations about the adult daughter's lack of trust. Those "gut-feelings" mean something and are akin to a "red flag". Sometimes more investigation is not needed when time is of the essence. Consulting with your mothers attorney if she has one would be the best choice...as well as speaking with the staff at the home...and observing the situation yourself.
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I've had the same problem and I handled it directly with the person as well as the facility. The woman was coming in to the home telling Mom all sorts of things that was upsetting her terribly. Mom would get agitated and inevitably it would affect her health. The facility she is in was amazing about helping me through this. I urge you to talk to the facility for sure. I agree with the other comments too - it seems suspicious to say the least. And does he make your mother uncomfortable. I know mine would have been. Good luck!
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well since you don't care for your aunt, I guess it would be hard to find out why she is sending this man. And why isn't your aunt visiting, maybe she can't drive or whatever. IF you are capable of visiting during meal times, make it a point to show up and stay at a distance to see how things are going. And most of the nursing homes do the best with the resources available. sometimes they are short staffed and the aids help some of the residents make sure they eat. I visit with my dad (but I am working) but there is a man than comes in every day to be with his wife and sometimes he helps to feed her and other times not. I would think that if your mother didn't like this man, she would be showing signs of distress with him being around. don't make a hasty judgment or it might back fire on you, your aunt might just say you are not welcome there. good luck
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Tell the MANAGER of said NH that this man is banned.
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Thank you for your feedback.
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