How does a family member convince someone that they are not capable of “being more mindful” when they have Alzheimer’s disease?
I am becoming more concerned for my younger brother.
He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I am starting to hear more confusion when my brother is talking to me on the phone. We don’t see each other often because he lives in D.C.
He called me a minute ago saying that he has to be “more mindful” about his finances. He was attempting to pay a doctor bill and he accidentally sent the money to someone else. Geeeeez!
I told him that he is going to have to appoint someone else to start handling important things for him. He agreed but went back to saying that he needs to be “more mindful.”
I suppose that this is a form of denial on his part.
I went through this sort of thing with my mom when she developed dementia along with her Parkinson’s disease.
I would tell mom not to reach for things on the top shelf of her closet because I didn’t want her to fall. She would say, “Okay, honey.” Then she would think that she was capable of doing more than she could actually do.
The Parkinson’s made it more complicated because Mom said that her brain sent the signal to move, but her body couldn’t follow the signal.
I took everything off the top shelf in mom’s closet to avoid accidents.
I certainly hope my brother will find someone to help him. He doesn’t have a wife or kids. He has friends. They lead busy lives like he used to.
It’s hard to see him confused and somewhat unaware of the total situation that he’s dealing with. I don’t know how common that is. I am not sure how most people deal with this. I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with your family members.
Thanks.
22 Answers
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Denial comes in very, very quickly for most.
When my brother, living in Palm Spring in SoCal while I lived in SF in NoCal was first getting symptoms of dementia he KNEW something was wrong.
I on the other hand had no clue.
We were having these long conversations by phone and suddenly I was speaking to dead space. He was gone.
He claimed it was the phone and had the company out often but nothing wrong. Then there was the hallucinations which started at night, when he got up to use the bathroom. Said they weren't dreams and in fact they weren't but neither of us could figure whether waking dreams of what. His balance, poor over the years, became awful and when I visited for my yearly month with him the weight was falling off, I noticed he wasn't using deoderant and had lost his sense of smell, not understanding his tshirts DID smell. He was then 84.
I went home knowing something was wrong, but not what. And then got the call he was in the hospital after a single vehicle (his) accident in which his head was banged up badly. Lay in his neighbors arms saying "I KNEW something was wrong; I KNEW it".
He was diagnosed by symptoms with probable early Lewy's dementia, and together we got all the scans done, the neuro-psych evals, negotiated the system, chose an ALF, he made me his POA and the Trustee of his Trust and we set up an "allowance" account for him, transferring all bills and etc to me.
He KNEW what was coming, and feared the going out of control or not recognizing he was no longer capable. So he insured everything while he could.
While we both feared what was coming, and he hoped to die before it happened I told him that wasn't really in our control. It turned out he did die of a sepsis from a wound in his shin he hid and ignored. He was not unhappy about that. A week of treatment that didn't touch it and only made him hideously ill, a week of hospice and he was gone from me. An incredibly brave and sensivle man, as always he had been.
If your brother isn't willing now to act for himself and ensure things, it is almost certain he will leave it too long, and will be prey to every catastophy that can happen financially.
I don't know how you can convince him other than to make a trip and go though full diagnostic, help him get a Licensed Fiduciary on board who works through the courts, and get protected. You are too far away to do this for him, and it was TOUGH and the steepest learning curve I ever went through . I don't recommend it to anyone.
I sure wish you the best.
My brother is aware of everything but he thinks that he is capable of “being more mindful.” Of course, he isn’t going to be able to be in control.
I do live too far away from him to be able to handle everything for him.
He’s having a hard time dealing with everything. He was so independent before all of this and he isn’t going to adjust well.
He left New Orleans for New York right after graduating from Tulane University. He lived in Manhattan for years. Then, onto D.C. Working 60 - 80 hours a week as an investment banker. He couldn’t do that line of work here because New Orleans doesn’t have the abundance of wealth that NY and D.C has.
We only have one billionaire in our city. That’s Gayle Benson, the New Orleans Saints football team owner. When she sells it, she knows that she will have to sell the team to someone who is living out of the city because no one here could afford to buy the team.
My brother had no interest in settling down, marrying or having kids. So, he’s in this on his own. His best friend works long hours and travels extensively so, I can’t really discuss this with him.
The sweet woman who sits for his cats when he is at the hospital told him that she will be glad to take his cats.
My brother told his cat sitter that he has money allocated for his cats’ care and that she would be paid for her time and effort.
The woman said, “You don’t have to pay me. I love your cats!” She’s a sweetheart. My brother said that he would leave her money anyway, whether she wanted it or not.
Just really frustrated because I asked him not to come to our brother’s end of life celebration and that we understood that he shouldn’t be traveling. He didn’t listen and came home anyway.
I am pissed off that he is still driving. He rented an expensive car when he came home and wrecked it in the Windsor Court parking lot! He thinks that he can do everything like he did before. Flying on a plane, checking into hotels and so on. He acts like his accident is no big deal because insurance covered the damage.
It’s not just the Alzheimer’s disease, when he got shingles somehow it affected his eye, so he is seeing an ophthalmologist too. He mentioned something about his cornea. It’s just too much to deal with and he isn’t listening to anything that I tell him.
I am upset with myself for not being able to get through to him but I know that I am not to blame for his behavior.
I will take some time to think everything over while I am sitting in PJ’s. Will catch up with y’all later. Thanks again for letting me vent.
Definitely take TIME to think. To plan. Don't go booking a flight just yet.
If you do start to plan a visit, who could go with you?
Who is or could be in your Brother's support team?
Did you mention a best friend?
Is there any other siblings? (I know you have sadly lost some).
I think that's what I'd do. Visit when the best friend or another close relative could also be there. Have a nice meal out.
Then have a casual lunch at your Brother's home & discuss 'paperwork'. Who would your Brother like to help him going forward?
Alternatively, it may be that due to his living far away, you decide this cannot fall to you. That's OK too!
Many ((hugs))
I can’t be certain because he has never discussed anything in depth. Many years ago I noticed that he was wearing a wedding band and I asked him if he got married and didn’t tell us! LOL 😆
He gave me a flip answer, saying that he wanted to wear a wedding ring so that women wouldn’t go after him for his money!
I was like, What????? Reading between the lines, I have suspected that he is gay, but for whatever reasons, he doesn’t want to talk about it.
It’s funny, because my parents would ask me if I thought that he was gay. They said, if he is he doesn’t have to hide it. We wouldn’t care if he was. He’s our son and we love him.
None of us would care if he was gay or not. He is aware that we wouldn’t care but who knows why some people keep their identities hidden?
He has women who are friends but he has never been in a relationship with a woman.
Yes, I have another brother. Two brothers are deceased.
Maybe my husband or my daughter would go with me to D.C.
You can only make a case to convince someone of something if they are capable of memory recall, and the use of reason and logic. Your brother is losing his, and he knows it but that won't help him "be more mindful". He's got mind-fail. You can no longer engage with him in the way you are used to in the past. It won't work.
Unless someone chooses to step in help your brother -- you know what the outcome will be since you've been on this forum for a while -- "someone" will need to go there in person for at least a week or (preferably) more to help him get his legal and personal ducks in a row, and set future solutions in place.
You also know that you can't get an uncooperative person to do anything against their will. So the change and decisions will need to come from the LOs around your brother. Your brother fits into a category called "Elder Orphan", of which there are many. Every family has at least one. This is how I wound up being PoA for my 2 Aunts (single, no kids of their own).
May you receive clarity and wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey. (((hugs)))
I am sorry about your cousin too.
My brother isn’t old 😞. He’s only 60!
Sometimes, he seems just fine. I know that he isn’t fine but he acts like he is.
Other times, he’s very forgetful and confused.
I have begged him not to drive anymore. He told me today that he is only driving during the day and no longer drives at night.
Same thing with flying. His doctor told him not to travel alone anymore because he was going lost in the airport.
He used to travel all over the world with his job and he thinks he still can.
I suppose I should go to D. C. to get a better picture of his situation. I don’t know how this will work out for him.
I’m so sorry .
I never thought that my brother would be in this situation.
It’s hard to fathom dealing with this because he is so young.
I know his financial situation is complicated. As an investment banker some of his assets are tied up with business partners. He owns properties all over the world.
He’s going to need help with getting his affairs in order. I am not sure how involved that I want to be in all of this. He can’t do this by himself though.
He nearly died from colon cancer years ago, has had several heart surgeries, survived a life threatening stroke. He has diabetes.
He nearly died from Covid. He got it before the vaccine came out. D.C. was a hot spot for Covid. He was on a ventilator and in the hospital for a while.
He was mugged and beaten so badly that he was taken to the hospital. He has been through a lot. Not to mention that he’s already had a couple of driving accidents as well.
Now this, Alzheimer’s disease to deal with. It’s heartbreaking.
I think for your peace of mind you will have to take the trip to DC, or you will never sleep.
Keep us posted, please
Can you set up "auto pay" for routine bills?
For bills like the doctor could you set up a portal so that you could see pending bills?
There are Care Managers that might be able to do these things as well.
Things like this are difficult enough when you live in the same house or the same area I would think it is way more problematic when you are far away.
Mom lived in our home for 14 years. I really don’t know how I feel about taking on the responsibility of starting all over. Does that sound unkind? I love my brother with all of my heart but I just don’t know what I want to do.
Something definitely needs to be done about his bills. You’re right about that!
I sent money to the wrong person by accident recently.. luckily to my daughter who said Thanks!!! Why?? (She returned it 😁)
Modern online banking can be hard - does take concentration. You are right to see this as a big red flag. It can open the gate to mistakes, fraud & scammers.
Has your Brother nominated a POA?
This will be the first important step.
The next will be that awful time the POA needs to financially take over.
That’s when he said, “I have to be more mindful.”
I told him that he wasn’t capable of being mindful and that he needed to start planning for his days ahead.
My dad's doctor told me that smart people can hide dementia for a long time, I imagine that really smart people, such as your brother, can hide it even longer.
May The Lord be with both of you during this new season in life.
I think that’s exactly what it is. He still thinks he’s capable. I’m not sure how long he’s been able to disguise what he’s been going through.
Hell, he even confuses me at times when I speak to him. Some days he sounds perfectly fine and other days he says things that I can’t follow.
Yet, ironically he knows that something is wrong. He will start a sentence and forget what he is saying. Then say, “Oh, my memory or I have to be more mindful of things.”
He has faith. He prays and is comforted by his faith. I just want him to take the proper steps to live the best life that he can considering all that he is dealing with.
I do think that denial is something that people go through when they receive news that they don’t know how to cope with.
My sister gave up driving and sold her car . Now she does not remember doing that and keeps talking about buying a car . She lives with her son. She had bad compression fractures of her spine and had surgery for it last Fall . She is still in pain and walks slowly with a walker . So my nephew keeps using that as an excuse . She has had a definite step down cognitively since that back surgery .