How does everyone deal with this?

FAMILIES!! I am the middle child of three daughters. My father died 12 years ago, a mere nine months after being diagnosed with cancer. Contrary to all expectations, my mother, 11 years younger, did not soon follow him into the grave. Instead she lived on her own for seven years with my older sister making a "flying visit" from 7 miles away, for one hour a week. To give her her due, she also made telephone arrangements for doctors visits and paid Mum's bills for her.

My mother lived in Northen Ireland, I live in Canada and my younger sister lives in England. Mum fell just before Christmas about 5 years ago (or was it 4?). She broke the neck of her humerus (basically smashed her right shoulder) and, after surgery went into a nursing home for rehabilitation. My sister complained that she had to take two busses to the nursing home so I sent her $1000 to pay for cabs--she does not drive. When Mum was well enough to be discharged my older sister refused to take her out of the nursing home. At this stage my mother was suicidal.

Although I was into year three of my husband's diagnosis of LBDu and Parkinsonism I hopped on a plane and took her out of the nursing home back to her own home. My sister handed the cash back to me telling me that she did "not need my charity". I stayed with my mother for three weeks until I simply HAD to go back to Canada to care for my husband. Allthough I was unaware of it my older sister took Mum into her home VERY RELUCTANTLY. This was the daughter who was supposed to be closest to her mother. God knows it wasn't me!

One year with Daughter #1 Mum needed her hip replaced. TWO DAYS before her discharge from hospital my sister told Mum that she was not taking her back into her home. Not only that but she stepped back and basically gave a supportive cousin the job of finding a nursing home for Mum.

The new nursing home was a disaster. Mum was sharing a room with a woman with alcoholic brain disease. My younger sister, aka the "black sheep " of the family told me that she had been asking Mum for years to come and live with her and her partner in England. Next thing was, Mum's house went on the market, she got rid of all her furniture, STUFF etc. and the wonderfully supportive cousin drove Mum and her belongings on to the ferry over to England and across the country to where my younger sister lived.

All went well there for about a year. They had arranged for a stair lift and someone to come in every workday for a few hours to provide Mum with lunch and company. Mum was quite independent, could dress and toilet herself etc. My young sister had developed a twitch in her eye. She and her partner worked long hours and got to spend very little time alone together. Mum would sit there, night after night, dozing off "No, I'm not sleeping." Until 11pm even midnight!

The crux came one night when they came home from church to find Mum in the floor. Her other hip gone! Back to hospital. Back to a nursing home for rehabilitation. This time, when she was brought back to my sister's house, Mum could not manage to walk at all. She stayed in the nursing home where the staff just LOVE her. (Why not, she needs little care, just help with a shower once a week.) She puts herself to bed and gets herself dressed. She refuses to leave the nursing home, even to go to my sister's house, a 10 minute drive away , for lunch or dinner. She has become set in her ways. Her TV cannot go on until 5 pm. She only leaves her room for meals in the dining room. Funny though, she seems to know about everything that is going on in the home!! She is quite content and lives absolutely in the moment. She has just turned 87 and is healthier than me at 61!

My younger sister visits Mum three days a week, does the little bit of shopping that Mum needs plus her laundry, I spend a week with my sister and my Mum at the end of this June. My sister (and my Mum--and we have always had a rocky relationship) welcomed me with open arms.

The funny (sad) thing is that my older sister has refused to speak to me since Mum went to live with her that year. I am guessing that she is mad at me for "forcing" Mum on her but I am not sure. Whenever I phone her she slams the phone down on me. Now her daughter, my godchild, has stopped all communication with me as well, which can only be her mother's influence. My younger sister and my cousin tell me to ignore it all-- that. my older sister was always a bit weird --as odd as two left feet is the expression used! But it still hurts.

What this long saga (which, to be honest, was more for my benefit than any of you who may have been brave enough to plow through it) will hopefully demonstrate that families are all different and all react to different situations in different ways. I don't judge the actions of my older sister, although I still remain hurt by her attitude. I don't know what she expected me to do when I took Mum out of the nursing home. She knew that my husband was ill. If fact her attitude was "Well you watched your first husband die (I was 34 years old at the time) so you will be well used to watching this one die as well.

So again I will say -- FAMILIES!!

I have found that I just do my best not to think of them. If I do I get way too angry so ignoring them is better for me. With the holidays around the corner I have to keep quiet and let hubby handle them, after all those two are his family and its his mom!

I do vent though when it gets to me, usually my daughter hears about it. I try not to vent on hubby though, he has enough on his own.
I pray, and crochet and sew, to keep me busy. I find this also keeps my mind busy.

Good luck and God Bless

That was a lot of stress. I was happy that she found a place that matched her personality. It is what we all hope for.

How did your husband do through all of this?

I have 18 siblings. Babies when my mother died when I was 11. Some born to my step mother after that death. I have been caregiving since I was 8. Along the way, Dad had had several strokes and heart problems, I have become disabled and my niece has a cery rare disease. Two of my siblings died. People can't really absorb any more & so they have backed up. Inderstandable. I try to be grateful that at least someone is getting to have a life. Not their job to be miserable because my body is cra))ing out. What I did was call my county and get in home support through medicaid for some things, I pay $40.00 a month for a lady from a cleaning service to clean my tub and fridge and oven and floors twice a month, I have a person come and give me respite as I am caregiver for my elderly spouse, I made sure my family of origin had my other contact info and I took them OFF facebook, life is too short to have to look at resentments every time I do simethi.g fun, ya know? & I keep in touch the old fashioned way...hand written letters, maybe one a week....keeping the doors open. WHEN they say they can come, I try to be available. But accept it for what it is. . A gift of their already maxwd out emotions....they are afraid of losing me. And dont want to get hurt one more time......

So many thoughts going through my mind as I read all of this. First, I liked the one about the natural caregiver always being that way, e.g. stray puppies and kittens. I never thought of it that way. However, I also do believe that God sometimes requires us, for the good of others, to function outside our comfort zones. Not being a "natural" caregiver, to me, isn't an excuse for total lack of concern and contact. That's just selfishness and self-absorption.

Cathberry, I commiserate with your older sister. There's nothing like being the one expected to do everything (because of geography or relationship) and being told by others who are not involved that, "You have to do everything, and here's how you have to do it." However, it's good you cared. Pretty much any decision we make at this point no one would care about (four other siblings) because they…don't care. Simply.

For those others on this site who are not the primary caregiver: Show appreciation. Give encouragement. Show concern. Care. Listen. Don't avoid for fear you might have to do something yourself sometime, or because you're uncomfortable with the parent.

So many on this thread and previous ones say that the others will be the ones with regrets for not caring while we have the "joy" of having this time with the parent. With Alzheimer's, we're no longer with who that parent used to be. However, with the footloose, fancy-free, fun-loving, self-absorbed, shallow attitudes of the other sibs being passed on to their own children: Their time will come. Everyone grows old and needs help. I don't worry about their regrets as I seriously doubt there will be any. Like someone else said, if there aren't any then any involvement wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Just putting in my two cent's worth, and yes, there are definite issues with the present situation. Take it one day at a time.

If siblings are not helping now, guess what, once the mom or dad dies, if there is anything of value they leave behind, I suspect the siblings will come out of the woodwork and all of a sudden try to be "helpful", in cleaning out the house or other ways....ways which are truly not helpful at all. So, if you are having sibling troubles now, be sure your parents have set up a way to compensate you (if possible) for your time spent now, put it in writing, and also if you are the executor after they pass, make sure there is a separate pot of money somewhere set aside for all the things you will be doing to settle the estate. And make sure everything is in writing to protect your self from the siblings!

In the state of NJ the executor is allowed to take 6% off the top to cover what they have had to do. Then th money gets split between siblings her getting her share.

Sometimes I thank gawd that I'm an only child.

Sherry: I think being an only child is hard when that child has to bury their parents.