How does everyone deal with this?

Sherry: I think being an only child is hard when that child has to bury their parents.

Sometimes I thank gawd that I'm an only child.

In the state of NJ the executor is allowed to take 6% off the top to cover what they have had to do. Then th money gets split between siblings her getting her share.

If siblings are not helping now, guess what, once the mom or dad dies, if there is anything of value they leave behind, I suspect the siblings will come out of the woodwork and all of a sudden try to be "helpful", in cleaning out the house or other ways....ways which are truly not helpful at all. So, if you are having sibling troubles now, be sure your parents have set up a way to compensate you (if possible) for your time spent now, put it in writing, and also if you are the executor after they pass, make sure there is a separate pot of money somewhere set aside for all the things you will be doing to settle the estate. And make sure everything is in writing to protect your self from the siblings!

So many thoughts going through my mind as I read all of this. First, I liked the one about the natural caregiver always being that way, e.g. stray puppies and kittens. I never thought of it that way. However, I also do believe that God sometimes requires us, for the good of others, to function outside our comfort zones. Not being a "natural" caregiver, to me, isn't an excuse for total lack of concern and contact. That's just selfishness and self-absorption.

Cathberry, I commiserate with your older sister. There's nothing like being the one expected to do everything (because of geography or relationship) and being told by others who are not involved that, "You have to do everything, and here's how you have to do it." However, it's good you cared. Pretty much any decision we make at this point no one would care about (four other siblings) because they…don't care. Simply.

For those others on this site who are not the primary caregiver: Show appreciation. Give encouragement. Show concern. Care. Listen. Don't avoid for fear you might have to do something yourself sometime, or because you're uncomfortable with the parent.

So many on this thread and previous ones say that the others will be the ones with regrets for not caring while we have the "joy" of having this time with the parent. With Alzheimer's, we're no longer with who that parent used to be. However, with the footloose, fancy-free, fun-loving, self-absorbed, shallow attitudes of the other sibs being passed on to their own children: Their time will come. Everyone grows old and needs help. I don't worry about their regrets as I seriously doubt there will be any. Like someone else said, if there aren't any then any involvement wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Just putting in my two cent's worth, and yes, there are definite issues with the present situation. Take it one day at a time.

I have 18 siblings. Babies when my mother died when I was 11. Some born to my step mother after that death. I have been caregiving since I was 8. Along the way, Dad had had several strokes and heart problems, I have become disabled and my niece has a cery rare disease. Two of my siblings died. People can't really absorb any more & so they have backed up. Inderstandable. I try to be grateful that at least someone is getting to have a life. Not their job to be miserable because my body is cra))ing out. What I did was call my county and get in home support through medicaid for some things, I pay $40.00 a month for a lady from a cleaning service to clean my tub and fridge and oven and floors twice a month, I have a person come and give me respite as I am caregiver for my elderly spouse, I made sure my family of origin had my other contact info and I took them OFF facebook, life is too short to have to look at resentments every time I do simethi.g fun, ya know? & I keep in touch the old fashioned way...hand written letters, maybe one a week....keeping the doors open. WHEN they say they can come, I try to be available. But accept it for what it is. . A gift of their already maxwd out emotions....they are afraid of losing me. And dont want to get hurt one more time......

That was a lot of stress. I was happy that she found a place that matched her personality. It is what we all hope for.

How did your husband do through all of this?

I have found that I just do my best not to think of them. If I do I get way too angry so ignoring them is better for me. With the holidays around the corner I have to keep quiet and let hubby handle them, after all those two are his family and its his mom!

I do vent though when it gets to me, usually my daughter hears about it. I try not to vent on hubby though, he has enough on his own.
I pray, and crochet and sew, to keep me busy. I find this also keeps my mind busy.

Good luck and God Bless

FAMILIES!! I am the middle child of three daughters. My father died 12 years ago, a mere nine months after being diagnosed with cancer. Contrary to all expectations, my mother, 11 years younger, did not soon follow him into the grave. Instead she lived on her own for seven years with my older sister making a "flying visit" from 7 miles away, for one hour a week. To give her her due, she also made telephone arrangements for doctors visits and paid Mum's bills for her.

My mother lived in Northen Ireland, I live in Canada and my younger sister lives in England. Mum fell just before Christmas about 5 years ago (or was it 4?). She broke the neck of her humerus (basically smashed her right shoulder) and, after surgery went into a nursing home for rehabilitation. My sister complained that she had to take two busses to the nursing home so I sent her $1000 to pay for cabs--she does not drive. When Mum was well enough to be discharged my older sister refused to take her out of the nursing home. At this stage my mother was suicidal.

Although I was into year three of my husband's diagnosis of LBDu and Parkinsonism I hopped on a plane and took her out of the nursing home back to her own home. My sister handed the cash back to me telling me that she did "not need my charity". I stayed with my mother for three weeks until I simply HAD to go back to Canada to care for my husband. Allthough I was unaware of it my older sister took Mum into her home VERY RELUCTANTLY. This was the daughter who was supposed to be closest to her mother. God knows it wasn't me!

One year with Daughter #1 Mum needed her hip replaced. TWO DAYS before her discharge from hospital my sister told Mum that she was not taking her back into her home. Not only that but she stepped back and basically gave a supportive cousin the job of finding a nursing home for Mum.

The new nursing home was a disaster. Mum was sharing a room with a woman with alcoholic brain disease. My younger sister, aka the "black sheep " of the family told me that she had been asking Mum for years to come and live with her and her partner in England. Next thing was, Mum's house went on the market, she got rid of all her furniture, STUFF etc. and the wonderfully supportive cousin drove Mum and her belongings on to the ferry over to England and across the country to where my younger sister lived.

All went well there for about a year. They had arranged for a stair lift and someone to come in every workday for a few hours to provide Mum with lunch and company. Mum was quite independent, could dress and toilet herself etc. My young sister had developed a twitch in her eye. She and her partner worked long hours and got to spend very little time alone together. Mum would sit there, night after night, dozing off "No, I'm not sleeping." Until 11pm even midnight!

The crux came one night when they came home from church to find Mum in the floor. Her other hip gone! Back to hospital. Back to a nursing home for rehabilitation. This time, when she was brought back to my sister's house, Mum could not manage to walk at all. She stayed in the nursing home where the staff just LOVE her. (Why not, she needs little care, just help with a shower once a week.) She puts herself to bed and gets herself dressed. She refuses to leave the nursing home, even to go to my sister's house, a 10 minute drive away , for lunch or dinner. She has become set in her ways. Her TV cannot go on until 5 pm. She only leaves her room for meals in the dining room. Funny though, she seems to know about everything that is going on in the home!! She is quite content and lives absolutely in the moment. She has just turned 87 and is healthier than me at 61!

My younger sister visits Mum three days a week, does the little bit of shopping that Mum needs plus her laundry, I spend a week with my sister and my Mum at the end of this June. My sister (and my Mum--and we have always had a rocky relationship) welcomed me with open arms.

The funny (sad) thing is that my older sister has refused to speak to me since Mum went to live with her that year. I am guessing that she is mad at me for "forcing" Mum on her but I am not sure. Whenever I phone her she slams the phone down on me. Now her daughter, my godchild, has stopped all communication with me as well, which can only be her mother's influence. My younger sister and my cousin tell me to ignore it all-- that. my older sister was always a bit weird --as odd as two left feet is the expression used! But it still hurts.

What this long saga (which, to be honest, was more for my benefit than any of you who may have been brave enough to plow through it) will hopefully demonstrate that families are all different and all react to different situations in different ways. I don't judge the actions of my older sister, although I still remain hurt by her attitude. I don't know what she expected me to do when I took Mum out of the nursing home. She knew that my husband was ill. If fact her attitude was "Well you watched your first husband die (I was 34 years old at the time) so you will be well used to watching this one die as well.

So again I will say -- FAMILIES!!

I agree about caregivers being born that way. I too have always been the one of the 3 that have rescued anything that was hurt or a bird that fell out of the nest. I save a baby bunny that our neighbor ran over the whole nest with his brush hog and this little guy was the only one that survived, I raised him until he was old enough to turn out. I now volunteer for a rescue and have been doing it for about 5 yrs and I love it!!! So I believe that statement!
If it wasn't for that fact that it is killing my mom that my brother has nothing to do with her, I wouldn't let it bother me. I could care less that I don't see him. But the fact that it bothers her, now it bothers me.

I love the response about caregivers being born that way. It's true. I've rescued birds, cats, dogs, and humans. There are some people who just don't have empathy. Feel sad for them.

As a long time care giver both, as a job. and part time for many elder family. My parents and grand parent's thankfully went without need of a care giver, so I did not have to deal with the sibling thing. But I at age of 60 I'm finding myself taking care of a long time friend it started as s roomate and and has progressed to full later stage alzheimers. There are no family no assets, and we get ss money but it has become a full time job and I am on burn out. My situation is different from a stand point of family. Non the less there are givers and takers, and I guess reflecting back I have always been that kind of person. So my advise is God has put you here for a reason. If you are not a believer I guess this will be of no comfort. Many people have helped me in this journey, a double blow my dearest friend of of 55 yrs. has also gotten early onset Alzheimer's while she has family and money they are so split and bitter that is so sad. I'm still working on placement and I must because I am on burn out and am using my resources and leaving me at risk of having no where and no one to help me. So let go of the people that didn't come thru, maybe they have something going on maybe a million other reasons, just be comforted that you did the best you could. Only then will you feel free of bitterness.

Everyone has there own method....going out to your car and just sitting or screaming, a grocery shopping trip can even seem like a real fun event!

Kathy, I agree. One of my brothers lives 7hrs away both he and his wife work. The other is divorced and retired living maybe 30 min. away. Mom has been here a year. Both have seen her twice and don't call. No, not happy about it because when she gets going, I have to listen to it. When they r here its like no time has gone by. So, I'm choosing not to get upset about it. I don't consider myself a good caretaker, I lack patience. But, Mom is fed and clean.

You've been dealing with these family dynamics your entire life. The context is just different because now it concerns your aging mother. You already know that the only thing you can control is yourself and your actions. You know that you're going to do the right thing by your mother even if it's difficult. You have to make sure that you get respite time for yourself at least twice a month, so trade off a couple of those nights where your brother comes over to help get her to bed for a big chunk of time every other week. This could be an afternoon or morning every other week where you get to do whatever you feel like you need to do to rejuvenate yourself. You might even consider attending an elder care support group on one of these days just to give you an opportunity to vent to other people who are in the same situation you are, please believe me when I tell you you have a lot of company of others in our age group in a similar situation.

Hi,
I really understand where you are coming from ?? sometimes we don't always say the real things we would like too,,,,, that we really feel inside about our true feelings. as for myself i have became bolder about my true feelings.... mostly due to things that have happened in my family with relatives, & i just can't turn my cheek any longer.
the truth is the truth & if the family members can't handle it, then that is their problem, not mine.

As I have seen so very many members where just **one** of a family such as of 7 sisters & only one volunteered to take their mother into her home instead of seeing her go into a rest home. now, for the real slap in the face for the only one who kept her mother at home, as far as i am concerned the other 6, yes did live close enough to come & spend 3-4 hours so the main sister could at least go get grocery's for 2 weeks, & she had a 1 hour round trip drive (super walmart) & only 1 of the sickest of the 6 sisters would come to sit with their mother , the other 5 **always**had some kind of lame reason why not....... dinner to cook for husband; son & family were stopping bye & she didn't want to miss seeing her grand kids, yet she saw them every other week, because if she didn't she would go pick them up herself.

Just all kids of comebacks like the above, i won't even use the word excuses, because to me, they are*** not excuses***
they are plainly bold lies, to ***make themselves***
feel better to get out of something they didn't want to do, & didn't plan to to ever, & never did. i mean why not just tell the truth,
such as,,,,,,, no, i don't want to come sit with mother, & i don't care what you need to do, be it go get food for you & mother for the 2 weeks or what ever it is you need to go do for your self or for our mother,

never were the words even said ,,,**i will find someone** who can come over for 3 hours or ? & i will pay them myself, to help you & *****our mother****** who took care of us for so many years, & you are doing all of this on your own & i would be happy to help in this way.......... but oh no,,,,,,,,,not a word of such as above is ever said,,,,
***why*** ?? they ,,,don't care, except about themselves... no money was even asked for but the guilt came out, as she just had to add, i can't afford to pay for someone to sit with *mother* because granddaughter wanted a new bathing suit for summer & i just couldn't refuse her the $ 85.00 to buy it,,,, when she flashes me that sweet smile.

I have almost seen & heard it all & keeping my mouth shut & making up reasons as to *why they can't help* just isn't in my thoughts anymore because i know its very untrue..

My step-daughter this june 2015 stole my husbands credit card with all of our ( auto pays) for our bills on it
& how she managed to get a new # on the card we can only guess as to how she managed to do that. but thieves & cons know how to do a lot of things when it comes to getting other peoples money.

She over maxed it out within 6-7 weeks, (had our address changed also) is why we didn't know, until our bills started to email & call us. then we find out she has managed to open yet another credit card in husbands name, maxed it out, not making any payments, & we finally get a call from a collection agency that we owe almost $20,000
her father is 86 yrs & was diagnosed with leukemia ( cll )
she flew out to visit us , we have lived here for 25 yrs, & that is the very 1st time she has **ever been here**, so she stole our bill box with all statements & numbers in it.

oh my this is showing concern for her sick father ? now fraud charges must be filed, & he is just dreading having to do this to his daughter that he thought the sun rose & sat in, yet the whole family told me what kind of person she was.

I know & realize you will have to deal with your family & feelings in your own way, but as for me i have seen it play over way to many times, & its just to hard for me to turn my cheek anymore. yes, i still have love & compassion in my heart for those who give of themselves, the care givers.
their hearts are made of gold. Marilyn Prayers & Hugs your way
Email me anytime if you want or need to talk, you are welcome to.




















































































SO,, SHE REALLY SHOWED HER FATHER HOW MUCH SHE CARED

I am single and have no siblings or children. I helped my father care for my mother who had Alzheimer's for 8 years. The last 2 years of my mothers life, she spent in skilled nursing, but my father was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and is now at the VA home. I have 2 cousins, but one has cancer and the other takes care of his mother with Azlheimer's. I did a terrible job caring for them, but I don't know what else I could have done by myself. I found myself in 2 ERs one evening when the 2 nursing homes took my father to a different home than my mother. They both asked me to kill them. Then I got sick. I couldn't attend support groups without someone to stay with my parents because I slept if a got a free hour. I even got a call from my Dads skilled nursing, when I was I in the hospital, telling me to go to a medical appointment with him. I hope it helps you know that most caregivers are isolated. It helped me to read blogs like this one, but the truth is that you will be isolated, sleep deprived, and eventually sick from the impossible demands of caregiving and US. Beauracracy. I blame our corporations who buy the offices for our politicians. We should have better treatments and cures, but health care is not a priority in this nation. Find friendship and love where you can and prepare for a long journey.

Gershun, thank you for your message, which is so close to my feelings right now, you wrote "Fast forward to the present. My Mom has since passed and I still get upset thinking of the times that I felt all alone with no support but you know what, I sleep at night knowing I did all I could for my Mom and one day if my siblings are at all human they will hopefully realize they missed out on spending some quality time with their dear departed Mother. If they don't realize it then I guess it wouldn't of mattered anyway."
My siblings are currently seeking to have me removed as Executor---eegads---But the problem is, they are spending more in lawyer bills (and also my lawyer bills, which comes out of the Estate) than they will ever "recover". It is actually a net loss for everyone.
But, at least I got to spend a lot of really good time with my mom (and before that, Dad too).
No court or judge can ever take away my memories! Even if they were being stuck in traffic in a snowstorm and she has a maybe broken toe, and she was in terrible pain, and I had to try to keep on going....keep on going....somehow.... Even those times which I thought were really awful, I remember those times now with fondness.

I fought with my sister and niece for 2 years about not helping. They have told me that it does not bother them if they only see her once a year and left everything to me and my husband to do. My husband travels all the time so I'm left alone to take care of everything. I finally stopped the fighting and realized that you can't change people. My sister and niece have NO compassion even though my niece is a nurse. I find it unbelievable that they can be this way.

Ephesians6vs2 - How true your statement is, I have always brought strays home and usually keep them all. My sister is the type that would get a dog and usually within a few months she would drop it off at the shelter with no problem doing that.

I find that all the answers that you received are so true but it usually takes us a while to wrap our minds around this and you will still have bursts of anger even after you realize that you can't change anyone. The best advice is to take the help that you have and enjoy as much time as you can get with Mom, I am very lucky that I have friends that love my mom and step in and help, just the other day a friend found out that I wanted to go away for the night with my husband and actually re arranged his work schedule to make that happen. I never ask him to do that but there are really people around that do want to help. Your mom is very lucky to have you. Some people have no one and to me that is so very sad.

This is a very common question, one I asked this forum myself. The answer? You cannot make people help, nor care. They will or they won't. You cannot stress about it, because it doesn't help and you wind up frustrated and angry. I have 4 sibs, Mother lives with one, he does the most for her. I help when and where I can, and the other 3 go about their lives and maybe visit or call her once every few months. It's very sad, and I know who will boo-hoo the loudest at mother's death and who will take as much as they can get. Honestly? If they don't care, you will never change that. Get some paid help, if you can, forget the sibs and do the best you can.

I have a selfish sister who does not help or visit. It's just the two of us, so all the care giving fell to me. I deal with it by being grateful she's not here to make things worse. She can barely take care of herself, she's bossy and unpleasant, and it wouldn't be good for my mother.

Detailed resentment about all these other specific people and what they could do and should do is useless. Its just another source of the stuff that wears me down. I have enough to do without fixing them, and I can't fix them anyway. You make your own choice, and you allow them theirs. You practice gratitude for those who help.

I have two first cousins (my mother's nieces) who are my only family and live in the same city. They wanted nothing to do with my mom and me for many years. No reason. Both of them were medical doctors at one time.

I am an only child, a son, and I assisted my mom as her physical condition deteriorated over a period of years. I did so because I loved her and she needed me.

When my mom broke her hip, I called one of her nieces. She told me she would come to see my mom in the hospital. She didn't come. I called again and she wasn't feeling well; she would call me back when she felt better. Nothing. The Hospice nurse called on my mom's final day. Still no response. I called the next day to tell her that my mom had passed away. Neither of them came to my mom's funeral, sent anything, or called to offer any consolation.

Now I am all alone and in a state of inconsolable grief. I am hurt by the way my nieces acted but am not angry. To anyone feeling abandoned by their family in their time of need, take consolation from these words:

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn: for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the merciful: for they will be shown mercy.

Oh and by the way, my mother bought 3 houses for my daughter over the years, saved my son's house from foreclosure and bought a truck for him. My grandson promises to come and never shows up even when he promises. Mother bought him a truck. She sent them all to expensive private schools and doled out money as long as she had any. They are completely self absorbed.

My mother 104 yo lives with me. I found a great individual through care site to live with us and help. My children do squat. When mother was able to go visit them, they would sometimes have her for a holiday weekend, but that's about it for my son. My daughter took care of Mother for about 2 months 2 days a week, but I paid her $10 per hour. I think she decided it was too much like work. They seldom call and almost never visit. Last time my son was here was Mother's BD in July.

I have two brothers who don't help, but I don't blame them. We are not a close family. My parents spent a lifetime of pushing people away. And Lord only knows why I am here. I spend all day every day while my mother sleeps or watches TV. I can go out, but I come back home to the same thing. And this could go on for several more years. So I really have to question if I should sacrifice further, since it would be wasting my own life. I couldn't expect others to chip in, since my mother could do so much but won't. It is my choice if I continue to stay, but I can't expect my brothers to make similar sacrifices.

This isn't said in any spiteful way. It is just looking at things truthfully. A good thing a family caregiver does is take the burden off the rest of the family so that they can carry on. So we are caregivers to our parents and indirectly to our siblings. And if the load gets too heavy, there are so many options available that we don't have to require large sacrifices from others. Some of us getting locked in because we can't get parents to move. But that isn't the fault of our siblings. It is the parent's and our own situation.

Don't have this problem but reading these answers give context to my caring for husband with dementia. Thank you all.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with so much stress. In answer to the unhelpful sibling, I'll echo what others have said. I think you have to accept it, choose not to be angry or bitter over it, and move on. I have this brother also. He chooses not to be involved, it's been this way for years, nothing "bad" happened, he simply doesn't want to be bothered. It used to really get to me, but I've finally gotten to a place of acceptance. He's the one missing out on the last years with our parents, he already missed the time with our mom, and now he's missing it with our dad. And though our dad is becoming more difficult, I'll still treasure that I had the time with him. After all, our parents are the ones who once took care of us. Once in a while I update my uncaring brother, but otherwise I leave him alone. I'll admit it can be difficult at the times we do speak to have to hear all about his travels and adventures while I'm "stuck" here, but then I remind myself of my purpose and it becomes okay again. I'd encourage you to accept the situation from the standpoint of family help, and then look outside of that for what other respite you may receive.

If I'm reading this right -- you do have help. Not as much as wanted or needed, but you are not totally alone. You have a brother who comes every single day to help get her to bed (and I, too, understand not wanting to change the diapers of the parent of the "other" gender. My father would have been mortified. I let my mother or husband do that for his sake as much as mine.) You also have a daughter who helps. You also have family members who do NOT help. We all do and many of the comments indicate as much. That being said, you still have my utmost compassion. You are the PRIMARY caregiver and that responsibility is overwhelming whether it is now your paid job or not. Working for someone other than your mother would have built in breaks where you could get away and relax. Perhaps your local Office of the Aging can offer a little support or help you find others. Check the internet. I found a volunteer organization who offered support to cancer patients -- it was private, well run, wonderfully compassionate and free. They continued to bring my mother meals for a couple of weeks after my father passed away. Hospice groups may be able to offer some ideas on respite services even if you are not participating in hospice at this time. They have lists of organizations and individuals who might be able to "sit" with your mom for a few hours. Maybe your brother would agree to spending a night once in awhile so you can get away -- maybe even staying at him place that night just for a break in stress. You could be back by breakfast if that's all he can handle. Nothing about these situations is easy and the exhaustion overwhelms the feelings of accomplishment in helping your loved one. Hang in there. Take advantage of the people who do help; look for outside help. Ignore the people who do NOT help. If they aren't helping now, they probably never will. Try not to let it get you down even more. Your emotions can't take one hit after another so let go of the things and people you cannot change to protect yourself. You are important. Remember that and take care of yourself as well.

I was my dad's Caregiver while my siblings, both 30 miles and 1500 miles away didn't visit him or even call him, even tho I begged them to. By the time he passed, coming on 2 years now, I was totally burned out, and I had become bitter. Yet, something that I was asked recently (now that my MIL was diagnosed with dementia) was, "When does a caregiver become a caregiver?" She went on to explain that caregivers are BORN that way, they don't become one. We are the ones who as children picked up stray dogs and cats, finding them homes. We are the ones who found baby bunnies and birds. We are the ones who stood up for others in need while in school. We are the ones who visited the nursing home. She was not only describing me in detail, she had described what my siblings were Not while growing up. My siblings can no more be caregivers than I can NOT be, for I was born to be this way. This revelation didn't make my role as caregiver easier, however it helped to heal the hurt caused by my siblings refusal to help.