My parents live with me. Both are in their 90s and ill. Mother is in constant pain and has recently been put in at-home hospice care. I have caregivers come to the house seven days a week. I feel terrible for my parents and try to do everything I can to make them comfortable, but it is hard for me to hear constant negativity first thing in the morning when I come to attend to them before the caregiver comes. There is always a problem that my mother tells me about. When I try to get a handle on what she is saying by asking her questions, she becomes angry and nothing is accomplished. Whatever I do is never right. The food I make "tastes like shoe leather" which my mother gleefully tells anyone who comes to visit. I know I should not engage with her because it makes me feel miserable for the rest of the day. I do not want to be depressed every day because it is not good for my health. What can I do to not fall victim to the constant negativity and complaints? I really would like to feel happy once in a while.
Call hospice now and get whatever is needed to mitigate pain. When I brought my father's partner home from the hospital into in-home hospice, they too failed to bring anything to help with agitation and pain. I didn't make that same mistake when my mother-in-law went onto at-home hospice. I don't know why there isn't anything there right now, but having been there, done that, I have no issue saying get the meds your mother needs now, and don't be afraid to be insistent on it. If they put you off, find a new hospice service.
I'm not saying it will end the negativity, but Jeanne is right - it could reduce it immensely if she's in pain.
As to more ways to manage your reaction the negative behavior, is it possible when she's being negative about everything you are trying to accomplish in the morning is to simply not talk (i.e., don't let her see you react), finish your task and then remove yourself from the situation? Perhaps she'll ask why you aren't reacting, and then you can tell her why - her behavior is hurtful and hateful and I will not allow you to treat me like this so I will leave ASAP. At other times (i.e., when you aren't doing a necessary task), when the rude behavior starts, simpy walk out and indicate you will come back when she's more amenable? If she's talking rudely about you in front of others, can you simply say that that is hurtful, untrue and not fair, and you will return when she can not talk to you in that manner.
Bottom line, it feels like it is impossible to set good boundaries for oneself if you are in the thick of caregiving. I know its the illness that often causes the lashing out, but I don't know better ways to manage the impact of their words. Right now, removing myself is the best I can do, and I do express why when there's opportunity.
Are there things you've done in the past that have worked, or is it escalating faster than you can manage it?
Best wishes...
I understand the bracing of yourself to face the onslaught of morning negativity - we cant be all things to our parents. Therapist, RN, etc - and their experiences as elderly seem so sad that I try to thinnk how they must feel - enter guilt and my own depression. As if I am not enough.
wish i knew
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Thank you for the update. Maybe consider talking to a family therapist or counsellor or joining a support group. The negativity is real and it can wear you down an lead to burnout.
I wish I had learned better skills to cope with my dad's negativity. I think is diagnosis of diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and then the side effects of medication just made it worse. I was his primary caregiver so it all fell on me.
Hang in there. Thinking of you. I hope you can find a better balance.