How does one deal with the death of BOTH parents in less than 2 years? My father passed a week ago and I am completely "empty" inside.
My mother passed Christmas day in 2018 while in Hospice in a hospital. I witnessed her suffer tremendous, excruciating pain as the staff could not control her pain (despite their promise to "make her comfortable and control her pain"). I stayed with her for 13 long days and nights, right by her side until she took her last breath. I STILL have PTSD from that which I relive over and over again . She was married to my father for almost 60 years. My father was never the same after she died.
My father passed away last week from Sepsis while I held his hand at the same hospital my beloved mother passed away in. (The hospital they were at failed to properly diagnose him and it was too late by the time they did).
I am beyond devastated and just feel totally alone and empty. It literally took all I had to get out of bed this morning.
I know people are saying "well, they are together now and no more pain for either one of them" but that doesn't help, unfortunately. I hurt...the pain of them not being here is almost too much. "Time" did not help me at all after my mother passed. Not at all. Being isolated from friends and family during this Pandemic doesn't help either. I just want to be with my parents.
Any advice would be most appreciated.
Thank you.
My dad died (the closest person to me on earth) unexpectedly and instantly three weeks after my first child was born. This was a calamity in my life. On one side, this monstrous loss, on the other, a beautiful baby. I made hideous mistakes with both my baby and the rest of my world. My amazing husband, who loved Dad as much as I did, would leave for work and I’d be plunged into an abyss of “aloneness”. I was left through NO FAULT OF ANYONE, to fend for myself.
This went on much much too long, and ultimately I was hospitalized for an absolutely USELESS week on a psychiatric floor where no one learned my name, and everyone smoked and yelled.
What do I know now that I didn’t know then? I am a very non-fanciful person, and for about 3 1/2-4 years, I had a significant loss of “....Faith beyond understanding...” . I resented the fact that people would tell me they were praying for me, since their prayers hadn’t prevented my father’s loss.
But then, ultimately, my personal universe caused me to realize that the love I shared with my father had not been lost. The series of inexplicables that began to surround me became more insistent. We didn’t talk, but we were together. Decades later, this belief remains. It has nothing in particular to do with spiritualism or religion. It’s just part of my daily life.
I don’t contact my father, I just observe.
Consider this thought, and if you choose to reject it, that’s OK. Don’t be embarrassed as I was, by wanting to seek out the help of specialists. Give yourself credit when you DO “get out of bed”, and forgive yourself when you don’t.
Take hugs from friends and other LOs, even in these horrible times, virtual ones.
While the “they are together, he’s in no pain...” comments were NO HELP AT ALL to me, the thought that he was wanting me to be happy and enjoy things again DID gradually come to help, partially because I know that he’s still wanting that for me.
Baby steps. I understand where you are.
My neighbor and friend lost both her parents within 6 months of each other and her husband left her in between their deaths.
She is still (2 years) grieving and struggling with her impending divorce. All I have done is be a listening ear to her. She has so much anger and pain. Her soon-to-be ex has installed listening devices all over the house and she cannot talk freely, b/c he records EVERYTHING for the upcoming divorce hearings. We have a signal between us--that if she needs to talk freely, she makes a comment about a recipe and then I know she needs to come to MY house and talk.
I have encouraged her to seek counseling, she has not done so. She has supportive siblings and they are shoring her up.
Along the way, with this husband, she lost her 'faith' and I am hopefully helping her to find it again. Just being there for her, I know is helpful. She's a hoarder, and knows it, I have let her know I will come and help her, she has to empty the house b/c she is not going to get it in the divorce.
I've prayed for her, encouraged her to return to the faith of her parents--and she knows that would help.
Life is hard. It's unfair. BUT, there are kind people out there and she will be OK. Our neighborhood has wrapped their arms around her and are supporting her, emotionally. She has to work through the pain herself, but she is NOT alone.
I hope you seek and fine people to share your feelings with. There are brighter days ahead, although I know it seems impossible now that could be so.
((Hugs))
Its silly she is allowing that and also you should be helping her to not have to live like that
It's only been a week since your dad died. The fact is a lot of older people die from things that are missed or just can't be fixed. Doctors and nurses are not super-human and they do the best they can. Some pain can't be eliminated, and not all infections are clear and treatable.
I'd say the most important things to do now are 1. Forgive those who tried to help your parents but didn't measure up to your expectations. As I said, they're human. 2. Give yourself permission to grieve, to feel empty, and to realize we only have so much power to make things go the way we want.
The end of life is still part of life, and while it's painful, so was the birth of that person. With a birth, the pain comes before the joy, and with a death, the joy comes before the pain.
My dad almost passed last year from sepsis also
He was brought to hospital with very little energy and stomach pain, they kept him overnight, called me the next morning and said he was ok
I brought him to his home where as soon as he got out of car collapsed on sidewalk
I immediately called an ambulance and had him brought to another hospital
His temp was 104, he had a gallbladder that spilled into his system and caused sepsis
They gave him high doses of antibiotics and ended up taking his gallbladder out
Now he is ok
As far as both parents being gone I know it has to be devastating, I almost l ou st my mom 5 years ago so for the last 5 years have been spending lots of time talking to my parents, spending a couple days at their house and when I leave always hug and tell both of them I love them
I realize someday they wont be here but I have lots of memories and know it's the cycle of life.
I read somewhere that when faced with terrible grief, the mind protects us by hiding the loss deep inside somewhere, quarantining it in a way, until the griever is able start to process the loss. That made sense to me. I also started on a low dose anti-depressant (Zoloft) which helped greatly.
My suggestion for right now is to make an appointment with your doctor to assess whether medication is warranted. Talk therapy should follow. It helped me to talk with others who had lost loved ones.
One last thing that still gives me comfort: my mother's and father's genes are within me. As long as I carry their blood, they live on in me.
May you find peace and comfort.
All I can say is always remember and it's not easy, especially with our world and how it has changed so much and still will change. No matter what you do, the scenario will not change. I am single, no children/spouse. Think about what they would have wanted for you and when you do this you will feel better. No counselor will bring them back. No magic pill will do this for you. Perhaps, continue to have faith in something higher whether that is a formal grouping (of course we have covid...so that may be limited)...or even your own time to reflect. I strongly believe in my religion but realize others have their own ways to cope.
As I get older, people change interests. You lose relatives and friends--and you retire---younger generations may not even care about you or just want what you can give and its sad. This may be a time to rely on yourself and friendships you made/make and in covid this can even be virtual. Take care of your health--physical and spiritual and stay safe. My best advise here is to reflect and remember good times and that you were loved. I hope this helps. It also helped me here.
As an aside, you know people will likely need to change direction with our new government, and many will find the need to move out of their states to a whole new life and it's scary especially if you are at retirement age. With the new healthcare proposed we may lose our doctors, hospitals, our neighborhoods may not be safe anymore and we need to move...far to avoid violence in cities...so change is apparently a part of life and I didn't realize it would come to us as we got older--never did I think this way. Do what is best for you and at minimum think about where you live and if you may need to move...perhaps and spend time sorting/clearing, etc. and getting things together. This will help you as well. Pick up a hobby, but don't ever forget the great times that you had with your family and how you helped them and how you were loved and no one can take those memories.
First, you need more time for your loss. I had a very close sister thst I took care of tge ladt 3 months of her life with cancer who died in my bed that I gave up for her because she wasn't able to climb stairs and even tho it's been 6 yrs I think about her all the time but the pain and sadness will get less over time. Then you'll still think about them but you won't have to cry when you do.
I would suggest contacting and going to Grief Counciling.
Wear a mask and Social Distance and start getting out seeing an old friend or make a new friend.
Go outside and get some Sunshine and Fresh Air by taking a walk in nature.
If you don't have a dog, consider adopting one so you'll have someone to give your love to.
Nothing worse than being alone.
If adopting scares you, just try taking care of one while they look for a forever home snd that forever home may just end up being your home.
Your parents are gone and they are never coming back. You have to give yourself time to mourn, go through the paperwork as death is a business, and do not use the pandemic as an excuse to isolate yourself.
You either have to cope, or you will crack up. Those are your choices. If you crack up you parents will still never come back, and you will have to deal with medical bills of a breakdown. If you are not retired, you need to get a job and make that a top priority. The bills keep on coming in. If you cannot cope you will need to seek medical help from a doctor or local mental-health center.
And if you are not retired you better get yourself a job fast. Life is expensive.
Please also see a psychiatrist. You have all the symptoms of depression. Depression is the common cold of mental health since so many people experience this mental health issue. It can be treated with medication and therapy. PLEASE DO NOY DELAY.
As far as isolated during pandemic. there is social distancing. Go talk to your clergy, If you have children ask them for a little support.
You suffer from PTSD after a 13 day event? You want to be with your parents?
I urge to find a good therapist. Im not a therapist but if your parents were married 60 years that would have put them in their 80s when they died. That would put you at least in your 40s if not older. Your are a grown adult that has lived for a number of years and have seen lifes circle. You should not be feeling this way.
get some help
PTSD comes from experiencing a traumatic event. There is no limit on length of time of said event. If OP was extremely close to their mother and doesn't handle death well, there is absolutely no reason why sitting with their mother in extreme pain they could not fix and dying wouldn't be a traumatic event.
Feeling alone in a pandemic when we are encouraged to social distance is very much a valid feeling. Calling and seeing without physical contact is extremely lonely for many people. I feel the same thing they do.
It would be a good idea for them to get therapy of some sort. However, please do not talk to them as if what they are feeling is not valid because they are an adult. Being an adult is not the same for everyone, and experiences are not black and white.
If you can find a support group where others will listen or a willing individual listener, share your story about both your mother's and your father's deaths. The more often you express your feelings, the better you will be able to live with them.
If you cannot find anyone to talk to, start writing down how you are feeling. Put it on paper. Write about how you are really feeling. You do not need to keep it or show it to anyone, but it helps a lot to get the feelings out in tangible form.
Don't chastise yourself for how you feel. There is no "should" in grief recovery.
You should make an appointment with a psychiatrist. You are definitely suffering from depression. Dont go to your regular doctor. They can way under medicate, It won't do anything bc it is too low. I had that happen. So a psychiatrist is important. You can probably do it online too, and not even have to leave your house. There is no shame in needing help. After all you've been thru, it is quite understandable.
Life can get better. Be kind to yourself. It will get better. If you can, force yourself to do some kind of exercise. You are going to have to do that. Even if you can only do 5 minutes. That can really help too. It could be walking for 5 minutes out in the sun, or sitting outside and watching the birds. Put on your favorite uplifting music. Music can change a mood immediately. Try to reach out to friends. You have got to try to get out of your head. Or watching a good movie bc you cant get off the couch. Its something. Anything.
I got a puppy, bc they need you. They force you to get out of bed, and out of your head. I was 2 yrs out from my last parent dying tho. You can't be sad with a puppy. Altho thats not for everyone.
And if you have a bad day and can't get out of bed, or only to the couch, dont beat yourself up over it. You will have good days and bad days. See if you can find a support group. Maybe they have those online too. Be kind to yourself. It is going to take time.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm sure this creates a form of depression, but I also cannot accept living on medications. What I have learned is that I never tell people it will get easier, time heals, or they are in a better place. Neither of them is in a better place for me and I just can't say those words to someone else. To deal with it from day to day, I have (over the years) been able to talk about my dad so I feel that is a good thing. I'm starting over on that process where my brother is concerned.
For you, it might help to talk to your minister or even a professional in the field of psychiatry. If you're open to try meds for depression, then try it. If it helps - great. If it doesn't you can always stop. I am sending big hugs your way and hoping that you find peace or given advice that will help you deal with the pain. I am so sorry for your pain.
I am sorry for you having to go through the death of both parents in such a short time. I think your still grieving over your mom's death making it that much harder for you to deal with your dad's death. Please get some help to help you with the loss of both parent-the grieving process.
Lots of hugs going your way!!!
Grieving is a process. And there are no set time limits on how long the process will take. There are online support groups. I belong to one on Facebook and it helps to have the support of people who are going thru it too. It also helps when new members join and you can give them support as well.
When my mother passed, there was so much unnecessary hurt caused by my stepfather. So on top of grieving my mother, I was fighting with my stepfather to honor her wishes. He would not allow us to have any part of her final arrangements, and he scattered her ashes out of state without our knowledge. We were thisclose to my mother and she would have been furious if she knew what he had/has done.
So, be thankful you were able to be with your parents at the end. I know it must have been so difficult for you. Your parents knew you were there, even if they were unable to let you know. I know this because I died for 3.5 minutes and saw everything that happened in the ambulance during that time.
I plan to plant a garden in my parents memory with a cement bench as soon as I relocate.
Lacy's response is like so many who have told me to get over it. Move on. She lived a full life and on and on.
Right now you are in shock. Your dads diagnosis was too late and it was the same with my mom. So, I am having a hard time with anger at all that could have found it earlier had they taken her more seriously. You may go thru that and it is normal.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing your parents can be the worst loss one faces.
Just take it one day at a time and it will get easier.
I thought that was a bit odd, my jury is out on an afterlife or spirits so I just smiled and said I was glad that gave her comfort.
My own Dad passed last Sept. my Mom is in hospice right now and guess what?I find myself talking to my Dad quite often and it helps me. I feel close to him when I do. I still don't know what I believe regarding the spirit world or afterlife but I do belive that love has power and is a mysterious force. My relationship with my Dad and Mom has been fraught my whole life but we love/loved each other as best we could.
I am sure this would not be a comfort for a lot of people but it is for me. I'm just going to keep talking and not question why it helps. Just wanted to share that.
My brother figured she was dancing among the stars so he would "talk" to her outside at night. That was his way to find comfort. Another brother is very religious. That was his way to find comfort.
With the exception of abusing alcohol or drugs to numb the pain, whatever gives the griever comfort in that terrible initial period of profound grief is right for the person, whether it's "real" or not.
with love and prayers to you.