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My 88 year old mother with dementia is in a memory care facility very close to
my house. Even if I go see her during the day, she calls me every night begging me to help her go home. If I don't answer the phone, she will call me over and over again. (one night it was over 25 times)
Does it get any easier?

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When we have a challenging behavior with our loved ones, it is important to get to the root of the problem. We all know that their ability to communicate deteriorates as their illness progresses. This means that they are unable to clearly state their wants and needs. For this reason, the most important thing we can do is discover what they are really asking or saying. The first step is to repeat the question back to them as this acknowledges them and makes them feel heard. Then give your LO a chance to restate what they need. At this point, ask a question for clarification. Don't argue or tell them that they are home. This most likely is not about being at a physical location. This could be about a need to cook dinner for the kids because they are living 30 or 40 years ago in their mind. This may be about being with their spouse who has passed. You can ask questions like "tell me about your home" or "is there something you need to do" to gain understanding. Keep it warm and supportive. LO wants to fix dinner, so tell her the kids made plans with their friends and ask her what she would like to fix. Asking her what she would like to fix will distract her. Then start discussing recipes or victories or failures in the kitchen. If convenient and you live with LO, go to the kitchen and start fixing the meal with LO's help (to the best of their ability). Find a way to bring humor into the situation as humor always lightens the mood and is relaxing.
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It is not cruel to block your mother's phone number at night hours when you require your rest. Sounds like dementia to me but may be according to level of severity. And, she might not even know the difference depending on level of dementia. Please read what our forum is saying. Set boundaries at night to block to avoid disturbance, then unblock her number during decent hours in the daytime.
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Assuming your mother is safe in her facility, as others have said, one way to deal with this is to block the calls. What this meant for us was that our phones weren't incessantly ringing from 2pm til midnight each and every day. One day the calls numbered 99 but probably much more as phone stopped counting. The reason we did this is was to get some rest ourselves so we were better able to care for mom. This is not cruel. This is a boundary. This is is what worked for us.
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My MIL doesn’t have a phone. When she was at home, she would call the police about her delusions where she thought people were breaking in to attack her. It was to the point, the police were going to take her in for an evaluation and 96 hour hold.

She then moved in with her sister but that didn’t work and her nephew threatened to call the police to have her removed.

In assisted living, we gave her cards, pens, paper, envelopes, but we could tell she forgot how letters worked. She used too many stamps or it was odd. The letters were like the phone calls referred to in the above question.

She would only send the letters to her son when I as her daughter-in-law answered her. I finally wrote that her son (my husband) was throwing out her letters because he didn’t want to be bothered by the same old pleas and nasty comments she was sending his way.

Grace has a predisposition to being difficult. She initially called the nephew to pick her up from assisted living by using someone else’s phone. We asked him not to do it. He was the one who was going to call the police. Why pick her up? As time went on, the calls diminished when he didn’t do as she asked and her house was sold. She was told the house was sold and was angry. She wasn’t planning on returning since she thought it was haunted.
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SissyA05: Your question has been posed by many other individuals here. When the elder is asking "to go home," oftentimes that brick and mortar building no longer exists since they may be recalling a 'house' of 50, 60 or more years in the past due to a broken mind. In order for you to get restorative sleep, you must turn the ringer down on your cellular phone or power the device down until wakeful hours.
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It's so sad... My mom would just repeat: go home go home go home :(

She has since passed away, and I still feel guilty... My brother tells me I need to move on, get past this....

Just know it's the best thing for her. She doesn't understand. It's so sad to see this and feel and hear this...

When you do see her, play music, give her the Ensure mixed with a milkshake, dance with her. Get a dimestore plastic ball, and hand the ball back and forth if she can.
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Mom needs some enjoyment,maybe the phone calls are what she enjoys doing.
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Turn off the phone.
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Turn off the ringer on your phone or just turn it off altogether. You need your rest.
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No it doesn’t get easier since she keeps forgetting she called you. Can the facility limit her access to a phone? Can you post something in her room like Call at 1 pm and have it checked off after she calls. Speak with her doctor about anxiety medication since in her mind h
she has been left behind and is very anxious about it. We got calls every 5 minutes from my mother-in- law and it won’t get better on its own.
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The staff should step in here and help control this situation, remove the phone for starters. Be more observant and tell your mother that she just called and doesn't need to call again. This should be the staff's job, that is why she is in assisted living.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2022
It's not the staff's job to be inside the resident's room 24/7 and monitoring her behavior on her own telephone. All residents are entitled to privacy in their own rooms!!
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I had the same problem with my hubby. Here's what worked for us.

1. I blocked his number as others have suggested. It's not cruel, it's survival. Calls go to my voicemail and I scan through them when I'm awake and can deal with it. It's not cruel -- it's survival.

2. I found out (on this forum) about a cell phone for people with memory problems (RAZ Memory Phone). You can Google it for more info. It's been a lifesaver. As the caretaker, you can set up her contacts, you can decide who is allowed to call her (if you want to), and you can set Quiet Hours, during which the caller gets a very friendly message that you are not available but will be excited to hear from you at a later time (something like that). Honestly, it's made all the difference in the world to us, and I wish I had known about it sooner.

Boundaries are not cruel, they are necessary for both you and your mom. Best of luck to you.
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Thankfully, my mom eventually forgot how to call me. I visited and called every day when she was in assisted living, but the memory care facility limited visits. They didn't allow residents to have phones because there were too many 911 calls, but they didn't mind that I called twice a day to the desk phone when I wasn't allowed a visit. They just took the phone to her. It was in the middle of covid lockdowns. OMG, all the window visits.
I think it is very helpful for dementia people to know there is someone they can count on being there for them. It's difficult for them to trust the care givers, as they can't remember who the care givers are. Your mom will hopefully eventually stop wanting to go home. What I did was make up some stories about why my mom couldn't go home just yet. I learned to enjoy making up stories, since she never remembered the story I told her the day before. I told her once that her old tree fell down on her house and there were repairs to be done. She remembered the tree. It was true that her tree fell, but it actually fell on the neighbor's house. This tactic would get her mind working in other directions, as she liked to give advice on solving whatever problem I made up.
It's difficult for you and I know how frustrating it is. Hang in there and make sure the director of the facility knows what's happening. They might have suggestions or can divert her themselves.
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If she has dementia how does she know your phone number? Is there a phone in her room?
I would talk to staff and get that phone removed. That is way to many times to be calling you. Why is the staff allowing that? My dad was in a nursing home, and they didn't have phones in their room. He called 1 time, and had to get staff help bc he didn't know my number.
Is staff helping her? She must have a great memory. I would get to the bottom of it right quick. That is way to many times. And it is extremely stressful.
Call them right away and say enough. They need to remove that phone or getting staff to keep dialing the phone. I'm surprised they would have time to do that.
Did you give her a phone? Then you need to take it away when she isn't looking, or delete the number out of it.
But either way you need to stop it. Don't feel guilty. That is way to many times to be calling.
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againx100 Jul 2022
In the early stages of dementia, some people will still be able to do things like use their cell phone especially if it was something they did for a long time, etc.
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Satisfy yourself the place is responding to her. Why is she awake at night long enough to make 25 phone calls? Who comes to chat with her? I visited a friend in a home on Xmas day, someone fell, and I could not find or raise a staff member. Your Mom is agitated, ask for a geriatric physician's consult or take her to one. If you are satisfied they are doing their job, get a special phone for her with her own number with a reassuring message that you are not available right now. Tell her to contact the staff, and they can find you in an emergency. Make sure they can. If you aren't fairly satisfied, start looking around, Always, visit at varying times to assess care.


Discuss specific incidents at specific times and dates with the director if necessary. Most states will investigate places, as will medicare, for serious patterns of lapses in care. This results are usually publicly available.The facilities worry about it. But keep that powder dry, and it might not provide quick or specific help for your Mom. Better for after you move her if no improvement.
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I am not sure what stage of dementia your mother is in but when I had this issue with my mom it caused her immense anxiety. She would ask the employees to help her call obsessively. I had made her a call sheet with all of her kids phone numbers on it and she would get confused dialing. I found a phone on the Alzheimers store web site that was made to receive calls but not dial out. I thought it might upset her not to be able to dial out but she was advanced to the point where she forgot within a short time that dialing out was an option. It didn't upset her at all. She loved answering the phone whenever someone called and she no longer got agitated constantly trying to call everyone.
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No it does not. You'll have to understand her condition, wish I could say it'll get better but it will not. Her brain is shrinking. She is re-living her days "at home" and she does notice how things are different now and she just wants to go "home.." proof? She's calling you so that means she still knows your number, she's still there mentally.

My mother is late stages dementia. I so I am dealing with a lot but she lives with me. When she was early stages I thought of assisted living facility but she declined rapidly mentally, I did not trust any of the facilities so I made the decision to bring her home with me.
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Block her phone number from your phone so you get your rest. You see her in the daytime only.
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Rtrev64 Jul 2022
Cruel. You would do that to your mother?
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If your mom is in memory care, she has people available should something happen. I am surprised she can still work a phone. If the staff is helping her use the phone, they need to stop and you need to instruct them not to help her call at all hours of the night. They can just tell her the phones are turned off after a certain hour. If there is an emergency of course, they can call you. If your mom can still work a phone and she is the one calling on her own, you need to block her number while you're sleeping. It sounds cruel, but it's not. This is just her demented brain on auto-loop.
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While my LO was in her “elopement” phase, I told the MC that she should be allowed to make one call to my cell phone, late in the day. I randomly answered her calls, or didn’t.

Whenever I answered, I’d be ready with a reason why I wasn’t coming- “watching the grandchildren, waiting for the electrician, raining too hard to drive….”.

When I didn’t answer, she’d leave poignant messages, some of which still live in my phone’s memory.

My LO was in the process of being seen by an excellent psychiatrist during this time, and very small doses of medication coupled with sympathetic handling by her caregivers got her through this sad, all too common problem.

Yes turn YOUR phone off, let her battery run down and don’t replace it.

“Dignity” means doing painful things that have to be done for safety and comfort, and doing those painful things because you love the person you’re caring for. Sounds like you’re doing your best, SissyA05.
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A quick solution is to block her number so that the calls do not pop up on your phone, but (at least w/an iPhone, not sure about androids) the caller can still leave a voice message. The messaged is saved in "blocked messages" that you can later choose when OR if to listen. I had to do this w/my 85 YO mom who has been in a nursing home (NH) for 2 years (dementia, not mobile and a host of other issues) as she was doing the call over and over and over thing, sometimes at 4 am.

For my sanity, I had to block her number. I had set up her phone years ago well before landing at the NH, with images of people tied to numbers so she could easily call those she spoke with most often (like 10 people). That easy functional aspect of making a call turned into the nightmare for me -- 25 calls in a row and all hours of the night situation; similar to what you are experiencing.

Again, just block her number. You can then set a time each day or whenever to listen to all the messages (pour a glass of wine and listen, delete, listen, delete).... OR in my case, I listen just once a week as the voice messages are basically all the same begging to "go home" or asking for something that no longer exists, or me to bring people (long gone from this world) to visit her. It is not going to change until, she looses the ability to "work the phone" but I won't take it from her, she likes to scroll through the pictures on the phone and some folks still will speak with her, like 5 min calls here and there that provide some comfort.

If there is a real emergency or need the facility will call you. And you can just tell her, leave a message and I have been having phone troubles. Trying to get it fixed. I did not tell mine that I had blocked her number, not sure she'd understand what that meant. I just said if I do not pick up, just leave a message as I am having phone issues......
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Get the care home to remove the phone and explain why.
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Mom had phone in regular AL and we had same problem coupled with the paranoia. Not only calling with stories like she was going to get a gun and shoot my long deceased father, but also thinking the phone was bugged and also hiding it and anything of "value." Senior mental health center said Xanax was contraindicated for dementia (and for some reason I think also Ativan) as the sedative effect just leaves them more confused as it wears off and in our case, does not touch the paranoia. Also any other phone calls were pleas to come home and tales of how awful it was, which was all for our benefit. In reality she was busy chatting with patients.

When she moved to MC it was a relief that she no longer had a TV or phone. She doesn't follow shows. She exists here, now, coupled with past memories. I am surprised your LO has a phone in memory care. It doesn't add anything positive to their world and can be a real source of grief. The idea of keeping a link to outside is more for your comfort than theirs. Might be helpful to talk to CGs about it. They might set you at ease to remove it. I always say there is only one direction this illness goes. Some things will get easier as their cognitive function declines. But other problems arise.
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I never recommend a phone be taken away from an elder because it's their only link left to the outside world. Unless they are repeatedly calling 911 and causing chaos that way, leave their phone alone.

I placed my mother in Memory Care because she needed 24/7 care. She didn't want to be there, as 95% of elders don't want to be in such a position. So let's ALSO take their phone away, shall we, b/c it's "irritating" they're calling us a lot? Which also prevents them from calling their other family members or GETTING calls from friends and family members, too.

How about we give them some DIGNITY and some freedom, folks?

Just turn your phone off if you don't want calls, or on vibrate like I did.

And Joann is further advocating the staff not "allow" this OPs mother to MAKE any outgoing calls once her phone is taken away! Really? So now she's in prison? SMH. It's not funny Cover, its CRUEL imo.
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MaddieMae Jul 2022
I disagree with you regarding not taking the phone away from the person with dementia because that person becomes susceptible to any predator who happens to call or targets your mother. These scammers are pretty sophisticated to the point that they buy phone number databases of seniors and check out apps like FaceTime for family members's names. They call up pretending to be the niece or nephew in dire straights. Millions of people are scammed this way every year. They tried with my mom, but we screened all of her calls. You can arrange with the care facility phone time for your LO. Have a list of approved names by her bedside table. My mom has been in care for three years and they give her the phone or iPad every time we call. On occasion she will call us kids.
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"Lose" the phone. If ur the only one she calls, then she doesn't need it. If like me, you can drop in anytime to visit. The staff will call you in an emergency. Ask that they not allow her to call you from a desk phone. Her continuing to call you when u don't answer is just causing anxiety on her part which she does not need. If you take the phone, tell the head nurse and Administrator so staff is not looking for it. If she is sundowning, the Nurse can ask the doctor to write a script. She needs to learn to allow the staff to help her.
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Cover999 Jul 2022
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See about getting the doctor to prescribe a low dose of calming meds like Ativan for your mom to help her with this Sundowning she's experiencing in the evenings. Agitation with Sundowning is common, as well as the wanting to 'go home' which really goes on with most elders suffering from dementia, even those who live in their own home!

I used to turn my phone to vibrate in the evenings so I could get some rest when my mother lived in Memory Care AL. One phone call a day is plenty. Ativan helped her a LOT with all the anxiety she was suffering with the dementia.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
 
 She will discuss lots of Do's and Don'ts and other tips (including the 'going home' mantra) in her booklet & other publications and you may get some good insight into dealing with your mom.

I know how hard all this is, truly. Dementia affects everyone in the family, not just our mothers. It's hard for US too, and we all suffer as a result. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
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Hello there. I am sorry to read that you have this worrying problem. The problem is your mum's short term memory loss. She may only retain the memory of seeing or talking to you for minutes or even just seconds. The comforting emotions of seeing family may disappear just as quickly. You are acting kindly and sensibly by visiting as it suits you. Visiting or talking more frequently will not help her or you. May I suggest a chat to staff about some calming medication for your mum? What I would do if I was in your shoes is switch off your phone from 5 pm till you get up next day and give yourself a nice peaceful evening and good sleep every single day of the week. All the best.
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No, not until you either block her number or turn your phone off at night. If you block her, if something happens that needs your attention the home will call you.

My step-mother is in MC, the facility does not allow any phones in the rooms as patients would call 911 and do what you are experiencing.

Time to disconnect.
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