How do I give my mother the support she wants and needs when she treats me badly and always has?
I don't want to any longer. My brother has always been the most important person in her life. I was secondary. I was the second child that wasn't suppose to have happen. Unexpected from the first and unwanted from the beginning. My father doodad (sp) on me and I lived for my father. I took care of my father until the end of his life. My brother would never have even know that he was sick if I hadn't told him. But he has also had something against me for most all my life and I have never known what that was. I asked him, he wouldn't tell me, I asked my father to ask him and he told my father and mother that I knew what it was. I don't and have told him so. He still won't talk to me except to try and order me around and put me down. So I don't have anything to do with him unless I have to. We live in separate states it makes it easier. The sun rises and sets with my brother in my mom's eyes. He can do no wrong. Unfortunately she left the care in my hands to take care of her as the POA medically and Financially. Which I have done a great job of doing, if I do say so myself. She is in an Assisted Living home that is good and she is well taken care of there plenty to do. But I get BS from her on why she is there and not living with me or on her own. She has some Dementia and she can't remember to take her pills and needs to be reminded and she can't take care of her place and she could not take care of her dog. She was not able to cook any longer, she had problems doing the laundry. Basically she was and is a pig. She was falling often, partially because of her drinking. So with those things straightened out she is doing much better. But whenever my brother comes over or says something it is considered gospel. And nothing I can say or do will change that. Why do I have to keep caring for this woman who treats me poorly because I happen to live the closest to her? I'm paying for her financially and extra medicine not covered by Medicaid or Medicare. I want out of this. I'm tired of it. If my brother is the greatest then he should be doing this not me. So he can't pay for it, nor can her sisters or brother. Why do I have to? She won't go out and doing anything I try and get her to do, movies, visiting her sister, shopping, walking, living, nothing. I just want to sit in my room. And pout at me because I put her there after she had a seizure and they said she couldn't live on her own any longer. She did it to herself with her drinking and not telling the doctors and not taking her pills. It's not my fault.
3 Answers
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No matter how dutiful, caring, sacrificing you are, this will not change. Best to accept that and move on. I don't mean to imply this is a small step. I expect you may need the help of a counselor.
Believe me, if you and your brother reversed roles it would be the same for him soon enough. He'd be the one your mom was angry with. He'd be the target of her resentment. Please believe me when I tell you this. Your mom had an idealized view of your brother that's not based on reality because he's not there. It's easy for him to be "perfect" when he and your mom have no day-to-day interaction for weeks and months and years at a time.
You can't force your brother into moving and taking over the care of your mom. Are you able to walk away? Maybe you can take a step back for your own well being. Stop trying to get her to do things. Stop spending your emotional and mental energy on her. Put some distance between the two of you. Create boundaries. You could create a boundary that would include something like, "OK, when mom starts telling me that my brother is perfect I'm going to leave." You don't have to leave in a huff, just take that cue as a good time to remove yourself. Say goodbye and leave.
If you feel your mom is treating you badly don't stay. You get the brunt of the bad behavior because you're the closest person to her. This happens frequently in caregiving. The "good" behavior is reserved for visitors and other family members.
If you no longer wish to be responsible as POA, then I might see an attorney about how to make arrangements for someone else to take over.
You seem to have a lot of hurt and it's certainly understandable. Sometimes counseling can help. I do wish you the best.