Dad was in hospital and was released with several appointments with kidney doctor, heart doctor and family doctor. Once he gets home she says he is fine and doesn't need those appointments and cancels them. We find out after the fact and have to reschedule. She still tries to rule the roost. Where do we go from here? We can't let her ruin his already declining health.
Technically, unless a diagnosis or formal assessment says different, the only person who can legitimately cancel your father's medical appointments is your father. His doctors ought to be liaising with him - unless your mother is his formal health care proxy, is she?
You also need to check that she isn't, after all, following his instructions. Suppose for example that he tells you he's going to be a good patient, of course dear, but in private moans to her that he can't see the point of all these tests and appointments, waste of good money, what's the use, etc. etc. and she takes her cue from that?
The pecking order in terms of decision-making, all other things being equal, goes:
your father
his formally appointed health care proxy or (the title varies) health POA
his wife (unless she's formally been found incompetent)
his adult children
All of whom can be overridden if there should ever be a guardianship application, from one of those parties (not your father, obviously) or the state, which a court decides it would be in his best interests to allow.
So there are things that can be done, but it's probably a bit too early on to bring out the big guns.
Step one: do you have any HIPAA related authority to see his medical information and liaise with his health care professionals? If not, you need it. You get it from him. He can authorise anyone he pleases to share his confidential information with you, but without his permission nobody should.
How actively involved and interested in decisions is your father at this point?
Should they exist? Absolutely, but no assumptions should be made that she can't do things without one. That doesn't tend to be the case. Most people, rightly or wrongly, assume that the patient trusts their spouse and they would be the ones that know the most and have the best intentions for their spouse.
Try and get both your parents to assign you as health care POA, this will help you be involved with authority. You can't override their choices and decisions but you can fight for better care for dad and maybe get doctors to stop accepting mom's verbal orders.
It is a tough situation to be in. Sometimes there isn't anything that you can do until there is an incident that lands someone in the hospital. At that point with HCPOA you can get testing and diagnosis to give you more power.
Does she have an official diagnosis of dementia? If so, tell your dad's docs. If not, get her evaluated.
As someone else suggested, get the phone numbers for your dad's doctors changed to yours. As your mom declines, she won't be able to understand messages and it will cause a world of work for you. Be proactive. If your dad is cognitively capable, have a private conversation with him and explain what you are doing. He will probably be relieved you are willing to help.
Good luck.
She remembers what it was like with her mother, so we set up everything early. I’m on the list at the doctors’ offices, and I have their POA, will, and advanced directive. I’m also on their bank account. I don’t think it would have happened without the diagnosis. As their needs progress, we have many things already prepared to make transitions as smooth as possible.
She may be doing the ostrich act to avoid recognizing he is fragile & could die thus leaving her alone!