How have you dealt with criticism about a loved one's care?
I didn't know exactly what category this question belongs, but given my mother has dementia, I thought Alzheimer's & Dementia would be most appropriate.
Mom is mid-stage in her mixed dementia journey. She is 93 and her short-term memory is shot. Her long term memory has also declined, though not as bad. Occasionally, she's confused about the identity of who she's talking to and has forgotten most of her family's names. She can still manage her ADL's reasonably well, though she gets help from MC staff with clothing choices, when to change clothes. She is also incontinent of urine. Manages bathing and personal care okay.
Personality-wise Mom is self-absorbed, critical, chronically dissatisfied and complains about everything, especially around her family; however, she can be quite charming when she chooses to be. She's a world-class show-timer. We (the family) placed Mom in a very nice memory care because she didn't want to move in with any of us. She's on Namenda for her dementia, also low-dose Seroquel for anxiety and paranoia, has other managed medical issues.
Again, Mom complains a lot. She retains remarkably good verbal skills. To the casual observer she gives the impression of being more competent than she really is and has convinced a handful of folks that she doesn't belong in memory care. Despite multiple APS referrals and multiple doctors who all feel Mom is appropriately placed, these "friends" feel free to criticize about Mom's level of care. Mostly, I ignore the remarks, but sometimes I wish I had a stockpile of comebacks to draw on for clueless people who think they know better than her family does. These "friends" have no idea what we as a family have dealt with. At the same time, I'm tired of justifying family decisions about Mom's care. I'd really appreciate appropriate comebacks that have worked for those of you in similar circumstances!
25 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Old man generally alone & sleeps 12 hrs+ b/c his "caregiver" family member hides in room w/ laptop. Is it wrong to let him starve?
- My husband has mid-stage dementia. I am having pacemaker surgery and will spend the night in the hospital. Should my husband visit?
- Does a family member "have to" take care of an elderly family member, or should it be "wanting to" take care of this elder family member?
- All my mother (99) talks about are inappropriate topics. She is so loud and embarrassing in public. Any advice?
I'm lovin' this. I'll have to devise a similar response incorporating some of Mom's quirks! Thx
1.) The first thing I do when a critic smacks me with their opinion is listen. What are they really saying? Why do they believe that? Is there any truth or good advice hidden in their otherwise negative commentary? Are they someone who even matters? There are lots of people who have opinions and those people don't matter at all to our life. They are not family or even close friends. For those folks I just toss them right on out of our little part of the world. For the ones who do matter I make an effort at helping them understand.
2.) For the ones who have no idea what we're going through I realize that if they have no idea, maybe it's because I have failed to communicate the details of our situation with them. That is easily remedied by providing them with more details. If they are family I invite them to accompany us to doctor visits, have access to medical records etc.
2.) If they still don't get it but they are close enough to matter in our little world, then I invite them to take pop for an extended amount of time. A long day out or even a weekend will usually do the trick. Sometimes I ask them to stay with him while I do the shopping or go to a movie etc. That up close time with him is usually enough to get the point across. Usually but not always.
3.) You have to realize that some people simply don't want to know. They refuse to admit anything is wrong even when it is right in front of them. Pop has one friend who doesn't want to know. He has been friends with my husband from before we even married. This fella matters to us. We tried explaining in detail. We sent pop with him for a weekend which ended early when he brought pop home and never wanted to take him anywhere again. We even let this close friend have a doctor of his choosing examine my hubby and that doctor agreed with our doctor. Yet, this dear old friend refuses to accept that there is anything at all wrong with Pop. He just doesn't want to KNOW. Critizing us, villainizing us, this is his way of avoiding pain. Sometimes when you've done everything you can, you just have to move on and leave that person to say whatever they want.
In the end you do what's best for your mom and what you can for the others but the critics never really do vanish so we have to find a mental place we can get to where those critics don't matter so much to us.
You've made some great points and suggestions. I especially like the one about "finding a mental place we can go where critics don't matter so much."
I do take exception to the explaining. I've worn myself out with explanations (see my response to BarbBrooklyn), and they only seem to provide more fodder for the clueless; at least this has been the case for me.
Still, your suggestion of having critics accompany me to doctor visits do have merit, esp for family members. To include folks outside the family make me uncomfortable by suggesting they have the right to be included in determinations for Mom's care. They don't.
Fairifiles, I do so much appreciate your suggestions! I don't mean to be dismissive; I just differ with you on how much latitude to extend to some of my critics!
Cheers
What do you mean she doesn't need help? Are you a doctor?
(These might help shut them up)
Gosh I can be so mean but sometimes I love it. Muahahaha!
Hope these help
Not mean. Just annoyed with others. Think we all get that. We all get annoyed sometimes when we feel we aren’t understood.
Smile sweetly and use the " yes, he's doing so much better now that he's getting the right care, dont you think?". If they persist, pretend not to " get" what they're saying. It will make them batty.
The big dog does not realise that the little dog is barking at him. The big dog assumes that the little dog must be uncomfortable for some reason; and so he patiently puts up with the little dog's noise. But then the little dog takes the big dog by the ear. And the big dog puts out a paw, and knocks the little dog over.
Your "friends" are yappers. Swat them away (mentally, that is. Do not actually swat them). If they really, really annoy you -
"May you never know better."
ROFL! You wicked woman, you!
LOL! In light of the fact my "Friend" has an end-stage husband at home, you'd think she'd be less critical and more understanding!
Hey, I have good days and bad. Some days I feel strong and others I don’t. I am every bit as much of a work in progress as anyone else.
We certainly agree about this site. I feel so much better since joining this group! Just being able to vent, ask my questions and so forth. Such wonderful, compassionate, smart, funny, helpful people on this site.
Best of luck to you. I have a 93 year old mom that I both adore and driven nuts by at times too. It’s hard. I would have never guessed how hard until I found myself walking down this path. I find myself thinking of all sorts of things. We kind of lose ourselves, don’t we? But slowly but surely we will find our way back. I’m sure of that.
My husband keeps telling me, you do not need to explain. I would just tell them that her doctors felt that she needed 24/7 care and would get that care in an MC facility. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone.
Your husband sounds like a wise man. He’s right, you know. You don’t have to explain.
In my case, I doubt seriously that my brothers would ever explain anything to me if the situation was reversed so I am going to take on your husband’s opinion in that I don’t owe them an explanation, since they aren’t involved in my mother’s care.
No way I can explain 63 years of life with this woman and the damage she did and allowed to happen? And why? What difference would it make?
I just smile and change the subject as best I can, also set boundaries that I don't visit this neighbor a lot, as I find it upsetting to go to visit someone and get my rear end chewed b/c i am not "good enough".
BTW--Mother plated BINGO twice a week with this woman for 12 years before my name was even mentioned. 12 years. If people talk to me for longer than a half hour they know my freaking blood type, my kids names, occupations, you name it.
12 years and my name never came up.
There's literally NOTHING I can say to "make it all ok" after this long.
Re: Your Mom not mentioning you for 12 years. I can totally believe it. As Mom aged into her 80s (she's now 93), she became more and more insulated. It's like her focus became fixed exclusively on herself. No interest in her children's or grandchildren's lives, with the possible exception of what we could do for her. Sigh.
So many people choose to believe the stories of a person with dementia over the objections of his/her caretaker. They don't seem to realize that many people with cognitive impairment fabricate stories to "fill in the blanks" of gaps in their memory. They're not exactly lying; just making sense of their world. But it sure is hard on the caretakers!
Thanks!
Oh my gosh! I can relate. I really, really can. I totally feel your pain.
My brother is on wife number 4 because they couldn’t put up with his BS and left. This wife is younger than his son and he’s too old now to fool around on her. You know the story with people like him. He always blames everyone else. Nothing could possibly be his fault.
Gosh, if I screw up something and we all do, I simply say that I screwed up. No one is perfect. I do not gel with people who are perfectionist. They are so hard on themselves and others. Can’t change them though. We don’t have that kind of power.
Where’s that magic wand when we need it? Oh, if we only had a magic wand! On second thought, might be dangerous if we did. We might act like Endora on Bewitched! I have totally dated myself with that remark! Well, I am 63 and must admit I still love watching some of those old shows, I Love Lucy, Andy Griffith, Beverly Hillbillies, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, and we had better cartoons in those years too, Flinstones, Pink Panther, Jetsons, (We all need a Rosie robot!).
On my husband’s side of the family, his grandma was the crackpot! I started to look at it as, “free entertainment”. She’s been dead for awhile but when I was younger I would take her out to lunch and I learned very quickly not to ask her how she felt before eating! She would launch into conversations about bowels at the dinner table in a crowded restaurant! As a twenty something year old I wanted to crawl under the table! Later on, I was totally amused by her nuttiness!
Old people always talk about bodily functions but I can’t handle it at the dinner table!
"Thank you for your feedback. I will give it the thought it deserves."
"Sadly, I am unable to help my mother as she won't cooperate with me"
Comebacks allow you to take control of the conversation so you are not standing there flat-footed, frozen, eyes filling with tears. Once you deliver the comeback you can make an excuse to walk away. These people deserve zero details, explanations or excuses.
My comebacks are sharp, quick and precise. I am a sniper. You can be one, too. Best of luck!
Initially, he used to try to "cover" as much as he could, too, so he was able to fool people that didn't live with him for a while, but it was so very frustrating that these people that saw him the least really and truly thought they knew what was going on, or how to handle it. Back in the beginning, I was routinely told by my aunt, his closest sibling, that I must be exaggerating, as he would NEVER do this or that.
And like another poster mentioned, even once they get over that hump and have now come to know and accept that the person has dementia, they still "listen" to what the dementia patient says as fact!
Do as MrsParker5 has suggested, and get yourself a few snappy comebacks. If you utilize a 5 or 10-second blank stare before delivering this comeback, it's lethal. You don't have to justify your actions, and are not obligated to supply any explanations to people that have no idea what's going on and are prepared to do exactly zero to help.
The platitudes given. The thoughts and prayers. No one, no one who has not been in trenches 24 7 365 has any footing to offer critique.
And a pox on them. Quite frankly.
What do you mean three days? My brothers wouldn’t even last three hours with my mom.